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Old 06-18-2012, 05:50 PM
 
Location: Purgatory
2,663 posts, read 4,686,569 times
Reputation: 3054

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Quote:
Originally Posted by chuck_steak View Post
Probably the main difference between medical help here in the US and medical help in Europe is that over there it's paid for. Over here it normally is not, unless Medicaid kicks in. I don't think he'd qualify for Medicaid since he's working and formally not disabled. He could get much better mental health care in Europe. Over there they hospitalize people for months on end. Over here we greet em, treat em, and release em as fast as we can because of the insurance companies being worried about profit margins. That is why there are a whole lot of mentally ill people on the streets or in prison. We no longer have the institutions of the 70's and 80's that actually cared about people's well-being.

His wife "chose" not to get therapy or help with coping about his gender identity issues. Instead she wanted a divorce. I personally know women that have stayed with their spouses and chose to embrace the relationship. She made her choice there. Since she wanted the divorce then she needs to learn to grow up and be alone and take responsibility for her actions. Wanting to divorce, yet still leech off of him is not dealing with her situation, it's manipulating and taking advantage of him. She knows he feels guilt over being transgendered, and she is using that to use him.

Dragonborn, I was in a similar situation with my ex-husband. He wasn't transgendered, he was just crazy. He was a narcissist and manipulative to the maximum. It took me FOUR LONG years of therapy to finally break free of his spell. He would use guilt to get me into all kinds of things and situations that a normal person would not have stood for. I completely understand about her having a "hold" over you and I'm betting some others here do too. It is because I have lived this scenario myself that I can see what is happening in this situation. People that drag another into their "drama" continuously, while not taking responsibility for their own actions are manipulative users. They don't "care" about the other person. The other person is just a end to their means. For instance is she found another guy to "take care" of her tomorrow you wouldn't hear from her. She doesn't care about your pain or what she has put you through. That was obvious when she didn't care if you were homeless or hungry all the while blowing your mutual money on stuff she didn't need. You on the other hand, are a caring, thoughtful person and have real feelings. That is why you feel you let her down with being transgendered and that you owe her something for past 8 years of your life.

She will find someone, be it her brother, or mother, or some other guy soon enough, believe me, to drag into her drama. Don't feel guilty because she has chosen to not grow up. The sooner she does, the better off she'll be anyway.

I hope you can move to where you were thinking you wanted to go in the first place. That might be the best move. Either that, or stay with your job there and change your phone number so she can't contact you.

Best of luck~
Exactly.
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Old 06-18-2012, 05:56 PM
 
Location: Mississippi
1,248 posts, read 1,880,212 times
Reputation: 2500
Well if she won't get the help that she needs too then I would cut off all contact with her except through your attorney. If you can't even afford the help that you so desperately need then you definitely can't help her freeloading a**. Don't let someone else keep you down. Truthfully, I could understand her feeling betrayed and wanting out, but psychological warfare is never ok. Good luck.
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Old 06-18-2012, 06:13 PM
 
Location: Purgatory
2,663 posts, read 4,686,569 times
Reputation: 3054
Quote:
Originally Posted by Madeline2121 View Post
Well if she won't get the help that she needs too then I would cut off all contact with her except through your attorney. If you can't even afford the help that you so desperately need then you definitely can't help her freeloading a**. Don't let someone else keep you down. Truthfully, I could understand her feeling betrayed and wanting out, but psychological warfare is never ok. Good luck.
She's had a year. Now she is just using it to emotionally and soon financially blackmail me. The funny part is that this was fixable and not as black and white as it may seem. I suggested marriage counselling, but she'd already decided it was over long before.

I can't afford anything right now except for food and gas. All that's keeping me going now is something I snos have done long ago - leaving the US and going to one of the countries that I'd planned to move to long before I met my wife. I do not belong here.
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Old 06-18-2012, 08:14 PM
 
18,847 posts, read 32,814,184 times
Reputation: 26181
It is addiction to drama. I have seen sane people, get involved with crazy people, and it completely destroys their sanity. I myself was in an addictive relationship. It is a way of not really focusing on your life, and taking care of your self, and making improvements. Instead, you just keep living the highs and lows. Call it co-dependent, or whatever...it is really self abuse and no one needs to do it to themselves.
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Old 06-18-2012, 11:41 PM
 
Location: In a state of denial
1,289 posts, read 2,728,871 times
Reputation: 942
Quote:
Originally Posted by jasper12 View Post
It is addiction to drama. I have seen sane people, get involved with crazy people, and it completely destroys their sanity. I myself was in an addictive relationship. It is a way of not really focusing on your life, and taking care of your self, and making improvements. Instead, you just keep living the highs and lows. Call it co-dependent, or whatever...it is really self abuse and no one needs to do it to themselves.
Very much so Jasper. Been there, done that, got the T-shirt.

I too was using it was a way to not look at my life or take care of myself. It took me four years of counseling to get completely away from him. It was a mess.

I think this is where Dragonborn is too. He now needs to focus on him and not her. She needs to learn to take care of herself and grow up. Right now, helping her is not helping her. She won't learn to grow up until there is no one to "take care" of her anymore.
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Old 06-19-2012, 12:00 AM
 
14,790 posts, read 14,581,024 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dragonborn View Post
Ah yes my wonderful wife who basically told me it was over BEFORE that came out and who has been using it to guilt trip me into getting her way ever since, even now when she plans to leech of me until she gets a job, winch given the unemployment rate here could be a while, while she loves to constantly remind me that we are getting a divorce.

Sad part is that I still can't say no. She's ****ing me more now (in a different way) than during the entire duration that we were together.
She knows this, and is using it to her advantage.

Time to start taking care of yourself, make yourself #1. You're not selfish for doing so.
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Old 06-19-2012, 10:55 PM
 
18,847 posts, read 32,814,184 times
Reputation: 26181
Relationships sometimes happen when two people just need escape from their crap life. I got invloved with a guy, he had just got a divorce, was going thru a bankruptcy. I had tons of problems. We met...and connected like fire. We just needed escape. It was a sick, addictive relationship. We were both insane at the time, both drinking too much, just crazy. We were either screaming or having sex. Insanity.

We broke up....and are both sane now.

Get away from her. She adds problems to your life. It is not healthy.
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Old 06-25-2012, 12:38 PM
 
15,246 posts, read 17,452,454 times
Reputation: 25476
Quote:
Originally Posted by dragonborn View Post
Ah yes my wonderful wife who basically told me it was over BEFORE that came out and who has been using it to guilt trip me into getting her way ever since, even now when she plans to leech of me until she gets a job, winch given the unemployment rate here could be a while, while she loves to constantly remind me that we are getting a divorce.

Sad part is that I still can't say no. She's ****ing me more now (in a different way) than during the entire duration that we were together.
I think you let her walk all over you because you feel guilty, not only for leaving, but for the whole transgender issue. But you have done NOTHING wrong and nothing to feel guilty about. An honest assessment of your life led you to decide that you need to live like the person you really are. That simply cannot be helped.

She can only leech off of you if you let her. So you're going to have to learn to say "no."
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Old 06-25-2012, 09:12 PM
 
Location: Purgatory
2,663 posts, read 4,686,569 times
Reputation: 3054
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marlow View Post
I think you let her walk all over you because you feel guilty, not only for leaving, but for the whole transgender issue. But you have done NOTHING wrong and nothing to feel guilty about. An honest assessment of your life led you to decide that you need to live like the person you really are. That simply cannot be helped.

She can only leech off of you if you let her. So you're going to have to learn to say "no."
I'm trying, but the guilt...

Funny thing is she said she always felt like there was something up...or that I made love to her with hate, which isn't true. Truth is that I didn't understand myself....and I still don't. She feels cheated and says that she always felt like she was sleeping with another woman....dunno how to take that.
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Old 06-25-2012, 11:22 PM
 
Location: Cushing OK
14,545 posts, read 18,265,606 times
Reputation: 16829
Quote:
Originally Posted by dragonborn View Post
I'm trying, but the guilt...

Funny thing is she said she always felt like there was something up...or that I made love to her with hate, which isn't true. Truth is that I didn't understand myself....and I still don't. She feels cheated and says that she always felt like she was sleeping with another woman....dunno how to take that.
This may sound odd, but that sounds like a good thing. She's understanding what she couldn't before, like you. And she's getting answers to what was just an unsolvable 'feeling'. You didn't change who you are, just you understanding of it. If you were close she saw things which didn't fit her expected pattern so she noticed, but left it a 'feeling'. Now she can process it with a reality. When she can do that, she can let go.

She'll be angry but remember who owns what and who controls what. She owns her own emotions, not you. If she choses to be angry then she may be, but you are not obligated to respond with guilt. You know you did not KNOWINGLY decieve her. You told her a year ago. The day after you told her if she struck back is one thing, but not this long. Maybe now that she is telling you these things she will be able to find her own peace. But that is HER job to do, and yours is to gather your strength and stand up for yourself. You have come a long way. You can do it. You'll be giving her a gift of her own life too.

I look back at my bad marriage and my bad unmarriage and can see them *so* clearly now, and just wish I could go back and do it again, since it wouldn't have come out quite the same. But that is the gift of hinesight. I ask myself why I was with these people at all, seeing now how clearly all the signs were. But way back then I was blindsided and neither could see. I finally quit blaming myself for not seeing when I realized that was NOT ME, the one here now. What matters is that the last one that tried to be mr.controller got asked to go soon after the first attempt. I learned. Can't redo the past, but can make sure its not repeated.

Remember, guilt only works when you accept it. If there is no reason to, don't. Did she only now tell you of this feeling she had that something was wrong, that she felt like you were another woman? If so, then why did she hide it? Did she channel it into games and control instead? And when you told her a year ago, did she say she knew all the time? If you know something is wrong in a relationship, especially feeling like that, you should talk about it or the value of the channeling is greater than the value of the relationship.

Maybe it would help if you ask yourself, when guilt is applied, who could have done something? Who *owns* it. Maybe both do, maybe one, but take responsibility (not guilt) for your part. Let her do the same for hers. Don't let her tactic work when she insists on things which use your own feeling of guilt. Tell hey you'll talk about it and make the talk practical. Never let the old 'you made me be that way' work since we still make our own choices.

If she hasn't, file for divorce. Break the string. Make your plans, even if they are to go back to Europe asap. The relationship will take time for both to heal, but its toxic now, and needs to have space between you.

Good luck and be strong and know you got people rooting for you.

It's very hard to break apart a co-dependent relationship, but what comes of it in the end for both is freedom.
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