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Old 06-17-2012, 06:41 PM
 
Location: Purgatory
2,663 posts, read 4,681,460 times
Reputation: 3054

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You lot are probably sick of me by now and I wouldn't blame you. I sick of me too. I am not sure if this belongs in the mental health forum, but I really need suggestions this time. I don't have anyone to turn to and with all else that's going on, I am losing what's left of my sanity.

I moved back to FL while STBX wife remained in the northeast. She was going to be fine up there, but she always hated her job. The plan was to gradually separate the bank account and even with both of us working, it was always going to be tight, but I'd calculated that if I spent the minimum on food & gas and ceased all credit card payments and deferred the car payment by a couple of weeks until I got paid, it was just about doable.

Anyway, I get a bunch of frantic texts from her last week that she'd quit her job because one of her bosses was nasty to her. I didn't know what to say, aside from the fact that it gave me a panic attack at work. She's basically decided to chuck in the towel up there and move back down here to live with her mother, even though she HATED it here.

The problem: now I have to go back up there and bring the furniture, possessions and cats back down, most likely the end of July. That's going to cost roughly $1,500 of money I don't have and time off work that I won't get paid for. Plus I will have to not only break the lease up there, but beg the landlord to use the security deposit for the last 2 months rent. It could screw up my rental history, making it very difficult for me to rent a place with bad credit too.

She keeps leaning on me to vent, but then "reminds" me that we're divorcing if she gets any inclining that I might still feel something for her, which unfortunately, I do and have nowhere near even began go get over her like she seems to be totally over me. Add to that, she suggested I stayed with her and her mother because I'll have no money for rent, then asked of she could "room" with me for a bit if I were to get an apartment (until she gets a job and can get her own place). Her family aren't much help either - I honestly feel that they should take over as she wants a divorce. I feel like I'm being used and I wish that I could just stop loving her and caring about her well being.

This marriage has left me with over $10k in debt, which I'm already being harassed for, even though I have called the creditors to inform them of the situation.

On top of everything else, I have sunk into a very severe depression. I have no human interaction at all, my family are not only in another country, but couldn't care less. I am sharing an apartment and find it hard to even leave these four walls that I feel trapped inside until I have to drag myself kicking and screaming to work, usually after having little or no sleep the night before. I don't sleep well and I keep having panic attacks, awful flashback type nightmares and periods where my pulse is racing and I feel like I can't breathe.

I can't get help - I have no health insurance. I have contemplated checking myself into a hospital as I am having a lot of suicidal thoughts.

I moved back down here not only for work, but so that she could be independent and to escape her negativity.. I do not want to even be in this country now - I have nothing here and I'm losing my mind and I'll most likely be homeless soon because of her bad / spontaneous decisions.

If you have any practical suggestions I would love to hear them. I've never felt so alone and terrified.

I'm going to ask for this thread to be deleted in the next few days as I am paranoid too.
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Old 06-17-2012, 07:03 PM
 
Location: Purgatory
2,663 posts, read 4,681,460 times
Reputation: 3054
EDIT: I should have added that the real problems began last year when she found out about my gender issues. She has never processed it. Still, even before that, we had completely drifted apart. The guilt I feel is intense.
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Old 06-17-2012, 10:31 PM
 
18,847 posts, read 32,779,514 times
Reputation: 26181
I don't know your whole situation, but I think you need to stop feeling guilty about everything. Your wife is a big girl....you are divorced. She sounds sort of mentally unstable. Maybe divorcing her was a good plan. Start setting limits on contact with her...no more texting. If you need to talk about things, limit the calls to one day a week or to ten minutes each day. That is it. Ten minutes or less.

She should not blame you for her life being a mess. Don't own that.

Ask her to move the cats and furniture when she moves. Why do you have to do it?

I think the less time you spend with the past and start living your future, the happier you will be.
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Old 06-17-2012, 10:54 PM
 
Location: Eugenius
593 posts, read 1,270,984 times
Reputation: 580
I don't know your whole situation either, but wow, you sound like you need a vacation! Why is it up to you to deal with this stuff? I understand about the cats, but seriously, the furniture can be discarded and given to charity, the cats can be let loose in the neighborhood if worse comes to worse, or find a neighborhood cat lady to feed them until you can get up there. She knows you will jump the second she says "jump" but seriously you need to let her deal with her own mess. Maybe you do need to check in for a few days, maybe you need to calm down and have a staycation in a mental facility, this world is churning out a lot of suicides lately, try to get some help and remember to breathe!
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Old 06-17-2012, 11:04 PM
 
Location: Purgatory
2,663 posts, read 4,681,460 times
Reputation: 3054
Quote:
Originally Posted by jasper12 View Post
I don't know your whole situation, but I think you need to stop feeling guilty about everything. Your wife is a big girl....you are divorced. She sounds sort of mentally unstable. Maybe divorcing her was a good plan. Start setting limits on contact with her...no more texting. If you need to talk about things, limit the calls to one day a week or to ten minutes each day. That is it. Ten minutes or less.

She should not blame you for her life being a mess. Don't own that.

Ask her to move the cats and furniture when she moves. Why do you have to do it?

I think the less time you spend with the past and start living your future, the happier you will be.
Jasper,

The plan was that she was going to stay up there - that's what she wanted. I would have stayed up there myself if I'd known she was going to just walk out on a decent paying job to move back down here with no job lined up, to a place that she always hated, so much so that all our savings are gone - and that was money I could have used half of to move back to Europe, which is my home.

I feel a lot of guilt because of what came out regarding my other issues. She never processed it, even though I suggested marriage counseling.

She has no money to move and it's a joint account. I was going to split the finances once we were financially stable and when I got paid.

I asked her family for help, but they were indifferent. I fear for her mental state and cannot just abandon her, even though she is already dragging me down with her.

She stil wants to be friends after this too and wants me to stay with her and her mother to save me $$$s.

Frankly I am becoming tempted to bail.....leave the country and the mess behind. It might be the only way I can cut the cord of dependency and guilt. Would that be so bad? It either that or I check myself in or worse as oddly enough, these are not the worst of my worries right now.
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Old 06-17-2012, 11:09 PM
 
Location: Purgatory
2,663 posts, read 4,681,460 times
Reputation: 3054
Quote:
Originally Posted by scratchNsniff View Post
I don't know your whole situation either, but wow, you sound like you need a vacation! Why is it up to you to deal with this stuff? I understand about the cats, but seriously, the furniture can be discarded and given to charity, the cats can be let loose in the neighborhood if worse comes to worse, or find a neighborhood cat lady to feed them until you can get up there. She knows you will jump the second she says "jump" but seriously you need to let her deal with her own mess. Maybe you do need to check in for a few days, maybe you need to calm down and have a staycation in a mental facility, this world is churning out a lot of suicides lately, try to get some help and remember to breathe!
Guilt....that's all. And I still care about her well being even though I don't think she gives a damn about mine or what she's still putting me through, on top of the other issues I'm failing to deal with.

I did suggest she sold the furniture, but she got pissed and refused. The cats I do care about - they are my cats too.

I can't sleep. I've been going nuts here. It's either going to come to hospitalization or perhaps someone I know on the other side of the pond will come good and I'll force myself to buy a one way ticket home and I'll bail. Too much mess left to sort out and I have nothing left here and no reasons to stay.
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Old 06-17-2012, 11:12 PM
 
14,790 posts, read 14,565,927 times
Reputation: 20548
I also can't see why you have to deal with it all.
She is the one up there. There were two of you in the marriage, and therefore this is an issue for both of you.

What is stopping her from dealing with this stuff up there before she moves down?
She quit her job. Not you. She is the one wanting to move, when she already got the apartment. Not you. She needs to own up to her part in all of this too.

She is trying to make you feel worse for everything. Are you communicating with her, just how difficult everything has been?
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Old 06-17-2012, 11:19 PM
 
Location: Purgatory
2,663 posts, read 4,681,460 times
Reputation: 3054
Quote:
Originally Posted by artemis agrotera View Post
I also can't see why you have to deal with it all.
She is the one up there. There were two of you in the marriage, and therefore this is an issue for both of you.

What is stopping her from dealing with this stuff up there before she moves down?
She quit her job. Not you. She is the one wanting to move, when she already got the apartment. Not you. She needs to own up to her part in all of this too.

She is trying to make you feel worse for everything. Are you communicating with her, just how difficult everything has been?
I tried the last part after her quitting and frantic texts and calls gave me a major panic attack at work and rendered me useless all day. She believes that she's the one that suffers and that I caused the problems. She is incapable of "owning" anything....always has been.

What's stopping her is that thanks to her walking out, we have just a few hundred dollars left. I don't get paid until a week on Friday.

I really don't know what else to do. I wish could not feel anything for her and could be an ******* and just walk away and move back to Europe ASA-f'ing-P. I don't even have health insurance here even if I wanted to get help.

On top of that, I'm dealing with unrelated issues that have been exacerbated by this situation.
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Old 06-17-2012, 11:24 PM
 
18,847 posts, read 32,779,514 times
Reputation: 26181
See...that is why you need to limit your contact with her. She creates drama and stress in your life.

Do not live with her as "friends". She sounds toxic.

You won't be able to take the cats if you leave the country....so why bother with them at all? Life happens...they can be re-homed.
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Old 06-17-2012, 11:29 PM
 
14,790 posts, read 14,565,927 times
Reputation: 20548
Quote:
Originally Posted by dragonborn View Post
I tried the last part after her quitting and frantic texts and calls gave me a major panic attack at work and rendered me useless all day. She believes that she's the one that suffers and that I caused the problems. She is incapable of "owning" anything....always has been.

What's stopping her is that thanks to her walking out, we have just a few hundred dollars left. I don't get paid until a week on Friday.

I really don't know what else to do. I wish could not feel anything for her and could be an ******* and just walk away and move back to Europe ASA-f'ing-P. I don't even have health insurance here even if I wanted to get help.

On top of that, I'm dealing with unrelated issues that have been exacerbated by this situation.
She sounds selfish.

Well, then you both have no funds to do this. Can't she find any ol job until you both get money to get out of that apartment?

Why did she get pissed at the idea of selling the furniture? If you're both that short of cash.... whats the point of holding on to it?

She's good at shifting blame. She is an adult. She should have thought about the consequences of quitting her job before she just did so. Have you said that to her? Or are you trying to calm her down, all the while you are falling apart?


I could see the attraction of bailing.
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