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Old 06-20-2012, 07:51 AM
 
7,349 posts, read 8,327,924 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LaFemme86 View Post
I was speaking with my husband a few months ago in front of my mom. I mentioned that I hadn’t seen my biological father since I was 13, and added that he didn’t even know I had moved out of the country around that age. My mom looked at me, bewildered, and said “what are you talking about?”. Apparently, he not only knew, but he had over 5 visits with me in my new city all lasting at least a weekend. It wasn’t until the year after that he gave up custody. I have absolutely no recollection of these visits, as hard as I try. Nothing. I remember a lot quite vividly from childhood (down to very details), but it seems like around the age of 13, it was just wiped clean. Even some memories from high school in general are difficult to recall.

It’s really been bothering me lately. I find it very unnerving that I am just missing such a significant chunk of my life. For a very long time, I had thought that the last time I saw my bio-dad was after he and I had a big fight over who knows what, and he had sent me back home to my mom. I have absolutely no recollection of seeing him after that. These memories are from when I was 13 years old, which was 13 years ago. Not exactly that long to have it slip my mind. I had a lot going on around this time period in general, and actually fell into depression (left undiagnosed, and not recognized till I sought help by myself after moving out at around 18 years old). I was never medicated for anything regarding this.

How can I get these memories back? Do I want to? It’s really been bothering me lately. Can anyone share their experiences with repressed memories and how you went about retrieving them?

why the need to remember , i only wish i could forget tonnes of stuff
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Old 06-20-2012, 11:10 PM
 
Location: earth?
7,288 posts, read 11,233,891 times
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Forget about it and move forward. There is nothing to be gained from dwelling on the past. If the information is needed, you will recall it . . . you sound a little obsessed. Just let it go and live your life in the moment.

Every second you spend in the past is wasting TODAY, NOW and now is really all there is.
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Old 06-21-2012, 04:27 AM
 
Location: In a state of denial
1,289 posts, read 2,724,526 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LaFemme86 View Post
My logical side agrees with you wholeheartedly. I need to keep the past behind me and move on. I really wish I didn't know that I don't remember it. But unfortunately, another part of me feels like I owe it to myself. I have such a difficult time and feel like I was cheated out of 10 years (and that's nearly 40% of my life right now!), and I feel like if I can get some sort of indication of what happened or triggered, it would help me just comprehend everything.
Ask the ex-wife. She will know or should know. She may only know how you were treated which could be helpful too. The way a person is treated by their parent(s) in childhood affects the way we interact with others in our adulthood.
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Old 06-21-2012, 04:40 AM
 
508 posts, read 1,717,698 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by imcurious View Post
Forget about it and move forward. There is nothing to be gained from dwelling on the past. If the information is needed, you will recall it . . . you sound a little obsessed. Just let it go and live your life in the moment.

Every second you spend in the past is wasting TODAY, NOW and now is really all there is.
Trust me, I know that better more than I should. I spent some long years obsessing about the past, today it's most certainly is not an obsession. However, this only just came up and is brand new to me. I haven't done much else with this information but post on C-D for thoughts. Thanks for the reminder though.

Quote:
Originally Posted by chuck_steak View Post
Ask the ex-wife. She will know or should know. She may only know how you were treated which could be helpful too. The way a person is treated by their parent(s) in childhood affects the way we interact with others in our adulthood.
That's a thought then... I'm not sure whether I'll do anything. The posts re: false memories and that my mind forgot them for a reason makes me second guess wanting to know. This is something I'll need to think about.

I agree that the way a person is treated growing up can affect interactions as an adult; fortunately I had the best Mom on the planet ... and for anything else, I've done what I could to seek help for. This one is new and unknown (forgotten, if you will) territory.

Thanks for the feedback!
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Old 06-21-2012, 04:58 AM
 
Location: Nebraska
4,178 posts, read 9,635,451 times
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Late one Saturday night, we received a call from my SIL. She was very calm, and demanded that my DH 'admit' to sexually abusing her when they were children (she is two years younger than he). Right afterwards we got a call from my MIL, who was hysterically claiming that her daughter had gone to see a therapist to help her recover her repressed memories, and the dau (my SIL) had called MIL and FIL insisting that they both admit sexually abusing her as well. This went on for two years; her accusing everyone, upsetting everyone, demanding that people admit to things that had never happened yet her therapist insisted she 'remembered'! MIL even left FIL for a short time, because SIL insisted on relating vivid descriptions of what she insisted had happened. My DH insisted that she was a loon and a drama queen who was making things up; the thought of even touching his sister made him physically ill, and he was a very randy young man in those days, who had every girl he wanted (and some he didn't want!). Since we had all grown up together, and I knew the whole family very well, I knew that DH was telling the truth, not the SIL.

Finally, after two years of drama, hysteria, and upheaval, SIL went to a real psychiatrist instead of a "therapist". Guess what? All of those "repressed memories" were false, put into SIL's head by a therapist who was trying to 'help her come to terms with her gayness'. Somehow, "Ooops" and "I'm sorry" don't make up for that sort of manipulation and hysteria.

There are enough people out there who want to mess with your mind, cause upheaval and dissension in your life, why would you pay someone to do it? I'd say, if you have overcome depression and are living a much happier life now, why would you want to go back and try to remember a period of your life - especially if you were depressed around that time? Most people want to/try to forget traumatic or sad experiences, and move ahead and beyond. It's who you are that matters, not who you might have been once.
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Old 06-21-2012, 06:50 AM
 
18,847 posts, read 32,738,663 times
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The real issue LaFemme, is that you already believe you have "repressed" memories. You want validation of this theory you have, that you were abused and "forgot" it. So, even if a qualified therapist explored this, you already have a preconcieved outcome, thus, a sefl fulfilling goal of "validation". So, really, what is the point? You are like a dog witha bone, with the belief you were abused, and want acknowledgement of this.

A good therapist would explore why you have these feelings. But not explore or validate "repressed" memories.
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Old 06-21-2012, 02:12 PM
 
508 posts, read 1,717,698 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SCGranny View Post
Late one Saturday night, we received a call from my SIL. She was very calm, and demanded that my DH 'admit' to sexually abusing her when they were children (she is two years younger than he). Right afterwards we got a call from my MIL, who was hysterically claiming that her daughter had gone to see a therapist to help her recover her repressed memories, and the dau (my SIL) had called MIL and FIL insisting that they both admit sexually abusing her as well. This went on for two years; her accusing everyone, upsetting everyone, demanding that people admit to things that had never happened yet her therapist insisted she 'remembered'! MIL even left FIL for a short time, because SIL insisted on relating vivid descriptions of what she insisted had happened. My DH insisted that she was a loon and a drama queen who was making things up; the thought of even touching his sister made him physically ill, and he was a very randy young man in those days, who had every girl he wanted (and some he didn't want!). Since we had all grown up together, and I knew the whole family very well, I knew that DH was telling the truth, not the SIL.

Finally, after two years of drama, hysteria, and upheaval, SIL went to a real psychiatrist instead of a "therapist". Guess what? All of those "repressed memories" were false, put into SIL's head by a therapist who was trying to 'help her come to terms with her gayness'. Somehow, "Ooops" and "I'm sorry" don't make up for that sort of manipulation and hysteria.

There are enough people out there who want to mess with your mind, cause upheaval and dissension in your life, why would you pay someone to do it? I'd say, if you have overcome depression and are living a much happier life now, why would you want to go back and try to remember a period of your life - especially if you were depressed around that time? Most people want to/try to forget traumatic or sad experiences, and move ahead and beyond. It's who you are that matters, not who you might have been once.
Thank you, SCGranny! This is exactly what I needed. Honestly, it's not worth it. This story hit so close... I have many very positive male figures in my life. I only just recently developed a great relationship with my stepfather (who adopted me in my teens). I have uncles who played major roles in my growing up and I am very close to; in fact, my uncle walked me down the aisle for my wedding. Hearing how relationships like this could be potentially destroyed is too horrible to conceive. It's disheartening that a therapist would twist close relationships like this and make them something they weren't, but the cynical side of me is not disillusioned to the very real fact that it's still a business at the end of the day. Very sad.

Thank you for sharing your experience with this firsthand. I'm sorry you and your family had to go through that.


Quote:
Originally Posted by jasper12 View Post
The real issue LaFemme, is that you already believe you have "repressed" memories. You want validation of this theory you have, that you were abused and "forgot" it. So, even if a qualified therapist explored this, you already have a preconcieved outcome, thus, a sefl fulfilling goal of "validation". So, really, what is the point? You are like a dog witha bone, with the belief you were abused, and want acknowledgement of this.

A good therapist would explore why you have these feelings. But not explore or validate "repressed" memories.
You're right. Like I said, I wish I never knew that I forgot those visits.

FWIW, I don't believe I was abused in any sexual matter. There is absolutely no manifestation of that in any other part of my life. And my father was physically abusive to my mother; he's an alcoholic with a long criminal record. But at the same time, I KNOW for a fact if I came home with any visible signs of physical abuse, my mom would have been at the police station in 2 seconds flat. Someone said it above, and I think it just may have been due to a difficult time in my life altogether-- at that age, a number of major life changes occurred and to this day it was easily the most emotionally difficult challenge that I've overcome. This very well could have led to me blocking parts out to cope, and I, by no means, want to open that door again, ever.



Reps for everyone. Thanks for letting me 'talk' it out.
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Old 06-21-2012, 02:31 PM
 
Location: Mostly in my head
19,865 posts, read 57,901,167 times
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Depression if severe enough can interfere with the process of laying down memories. If they weren't made, they cannot be retrieved. Talk to family/friends/neighbors who were around during that period and see if what you learn is enough.
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Old 06-21-2012, 02:42 PM
 
18,847 posts, read 32,738,663 times
Reputation: 26176
Southernbelle, I respectfully disagree...I think that some folks are susceptible to suggestion or believe things happened to them, and "false" memories are created, and believed as though they really happened, and were exeperienced. Even if the memories are not correct.
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Old 06-21-2012, 04:17 PM
 
Location: Mississippi
1,248 posts, read 1,874,874 times
Reputation: 2495
Good post, Jasper.
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