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Old 08-30-2012, 09:50 PM
 
Location: SC Foothills
8,831 posts, read 10,242,538 times
Reputation: 58216

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You want to talk? Ok. I had a terrible childhood because of an emotionally and physically abusive father. I became an alcoholic at age 16 to cope with my messed up life and a mental disorder that was not properly diagnosed until I was 44. I was completely and totally out of control as a teenager.....promiscuous, alcoholic, druggie and somehow survived numerous close calls with deadly situations and overdoses. I'll spare you all the gory details of my life up until now but I'm nearly 50, live alone with my cat and dog, on disability and I spend all of my days all alone. Except for the one day a week I shop for my mother, I rarely leave the house. I have two failed marriages, haven't spoken to my father or brother in years and I have no friends. I don't like human contact unless I'm drunk and that just attracts the wrong kind of people so I don't drink anymore or do drugs. I don't like to be touched so I'm celibate and I like it that way. Shyness and fear of other people and what they might do to me keeps me from socializing, I can't have a boyfriend because I don't want to be touched or have sex. I'm completely dysfunctional, no amount of therapy or meds help so this is it....this is my life. I look forward to death. Oh and I used to be attractive, now I just look like a bridge troll.

How's that? Bet you're sorry you asked now.
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Old 08-30-2012, 11:07 PM
 
657 posts, read 611,323 times
Reputation: 437
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ilene Wright View Post
You want to talk? Ok. I had a terrible childhood because of an emotionally and physically abusive father. I became an alcoholic at age 16 to cope with my messed up life and a mental disorder that was not properly diagnosed until I was 44. I was completely and totally out of control as a teenager.....promiscuous, alcoholic, druggie and somehow survived numerous close calls with deadly situations and overdoses. I'll spare you all the gory details of my life up until now but I'm nearly 50, live alone with my cat and dog, on disability and I spend all of my days all alone. Except for the one day a week I shop for my mother, I rarely leave the house. I have two failed marriages, haven't spoken to my father or brother in years and I have no friends. I don't like human contact unless I'm drunk and that just attracts the wrong kind of people so I don't drink anymore or do drugs. I don't like to be touched so I'm celibate and I like it that way. Shyness and fear of other people and what they might do to me keeps me from socializing, I can't have a boyfriend because I don't want to be touched or have sex. I'm completely dysfunctional, no amount of therapy or meds help so this is it....this is my life. I look forward to death. Oh and I used to be attractive, now I just look like a bridge troll.

How's that? Bet you're sorry you asked now.
Am sorry all this happen to u. But I know we all messed up. Not just u and me. It's good u talk about it.
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Old 08-31-2012, 05:54 AM
 
5,239 posts, read 6,969,262 times
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Everybody's story is different, but the effects are often much the same, severe depression, anxiety,agoraphobia, PTSD, and other problems. Loneliness is also a common factor that bridges us together. Sometimes talking just ingrains it further or brings it closer to the surface so you can't sleep at night or get it out of your mind all day. Some people obsess on things too, I do that. You take one thought, and it spreads like a spiders web, pretty soon you are thinking of even more stuff you wish you could forget. So I think that's maybe why there have not been many postings to this thread.
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Old 08-31-2012, 05:04 PM
 
Location: SC Foothills
8,831 posts, read 10,242,538 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dalebx28 View Post
Am sorry all this happen to u. But I know we all messed up. Not just u and me. It's good u talk about it.
Thanks and sorry, I was feeling a little dejected and experiencing insomnia again last night so I can't be held responsible for what I say during those times. I mean, life hasn't been great and it still isn't but it could be so much worse so I have to keep reminding myself of that and having pets does take some of the sting out of it. As bad as things seem I do have an inkling of hope that they won't always be this way because I have had to make some major changes recently that have left me friendless and alone.

I know that I am the one who has to face my fears and step out into the world to make new friends, I'm just not mentally able to do it right now. As with anything, it takes time.
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Old 09-01-2012, 02:12 PM
 
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I think OP's question is rather broad, even for a mental health forum? A lot of people with trauma in their lives or backgrounds are quite weary of reiterating the specifics. At least, that's what I think.
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Old 09-02-2012, 09:55 AM
 
2,399 posts, read 2,761,054 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dalebx28 View Post
hey real talk here: what really mess you up? i remember a few things that cause me trama ? as kids we start out thinking we can be anything do anything .... then life happens ..... what set u back?


1- i got kidnapped at age 8 ? cause some serious drama in my life..

2- got into a lot fight while growing up..... bottle up anger.

3- daddy left me and my brothers - cause mistrust, issue, anger and issue with love

your turn
I imagine these events were traumatic for you.
How has having been kidnapped, getting in that fight & your dad leaving you, affecting you now?
You mentioned that you mistrust & have anger & issues with love. Will you expand on that?


I think you are right that it is good to acknowledge & explore issues that have hurt us, especially when they still affect us. Some people use their pain or trauma to identify themselves as victims & as a scapegoat, removing their own response-ability. But that's different from exploring issues to heal.


I read that there are 2 types of pain:
1. Clean pain (natural pain resulting from an injury, physical or emotional)
2. Dirty pain (the pain we add to it by either not properly addressing the wound, or by dwelling on it too much)
"Wounds which we inflict on ourselves are the most difficult to heal." - Theodor Reik


For me... I have experienced some trauma like being molested, raped, my boyfriend attacked by a gang because he stood up for me, being neglected & abused & losing 3 babies to miscarriage.

But what hurts me more than those is the dysfunctional beliefs I've incorporated as ingrained habitual patterns... like feeling like EVERYTHING negative is my fault, like I have no right to even take up space & a belief that perfection is only worthwhile (& since I can never be perfect, I'm not worthwhile).


I know it's not helpful nor honest to blame one person because it is usually many people (ie their parents, & their parents & so on). Still, I think the process of healing is understanding the wound - how & why it got there & how to heal it. I think our mothers (or primary care givers) are most influential for good & bad. I found out recently that my mom was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. I don't believe all diagnosis - but this one seems to fit, despite my mom disagreeing & blaming everyone else but herself for her behavior. My sister used to always nark on me & since she told my mom she was sexually abused by someone as my mom had been as a child, my mom always catored to her. It was always my fault, never hers & of course never my mom's. I lived in a large family with a mother who was not up to the challenge of being parents to even 1 child, so I was neglected & shown by action that I wasn't worth anything. I was raised in a cult that demanded a complicated list of "commandments" & cultural standards in order to be considered "celestially worthy." Also, my way of getting any praise from my parents was trying my darndest to be as perfect (in their eyes), even if that meant denying my own needs & desires. It didn't work, so I ran away from home & experienced more trauma. Both of my parents are quite narcasistic, although they often can be very loving & kind too. It's been a bit rocky in realizing some anger toward them... I've had to rock the boat & neither takes responsibility, but at least I said my peace & I know I need to keep boundaries with them to be able to love both myself & them best.


Thanks for prompting me to explore my issues more.
It's been helpful.

Last edited by SuperSoul; 09-02-2012 at 10:11 AM..
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Old 09-03-2012, 09:27 AM
 
1 posts, read 937 times
Reputation: 15
Default The loneliness...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ilene Wright View Post
You want to talk? Ok. I had a terrible childhood because of an emotionally and physically abusive father. I became an alcoholic at age 16 to cope with my messed up life and a mental disorder that was not properly diagnosed until I was 44. I was completely and totally out of control as a teenager.....promiscuous, alcoholic, druggie and somehow survived numerous close calls with deadly situations and overdoses. I'll spare you all the gory details of my life up until now but I'm nearly 50, live alone with my cat and dog, on disability and I spend all of my days all alone. Except for the one day a week I shop for my mother, I rarely leave the house. I have two failed marriages, haven't spoken to my father or brother in years and I have no friends. I don't like human contact unless I'm drunk and that just attracts the wrong kind of people so I don't drink anymore or do drugs. I don't like to be touched so I'm celibate and I like it that way. Shyness and fear of other people and what they might do to me keeps me from socializing, I can't have a boyfriend because I don't want to be touched or have sex. I'm completely dysfunctional, no amount of therapy or meds help so this is it....this is my life. I look forward to death. Oh and I used to be attractive, now I just look like a bridge troll.

How's that? Bet you're sorry you asked now.
I can very much relate to you Ilene and your terribly abusive childhood at the hand of your father. I had the same in every regard. I now live alone with two dogs and no one else in my life. I ran to another state from my abuser in 2010; after 52 years.

After all is said and done I have found that my life did not open up in the positive direction I had hoped. The extreme loneliness as depicted by others in this thread is excruciating and I too long for death as a relief.

I do think that sustained physical/emotional abuse causes permanent emotional dysfunction or PTS that is very difficult to shake and recover from. Too, unless you personally have sustained this type of abuse others really cannot fully fathom how emotionally difficult life can be --- even after the abuse stops.

We live in a world that really doesn't care about the storms you encountered; but rather, did you bring in the ship?
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Old 09-03-2012, 07:18 PM
 
Location: SC Foothills
8,831 posts, read 10,242,538 times
Reputation: 58216
Quote:
Originally Posted by MariaAve View Post
I can very much relate to you Ilene and your terribly abusive childhood at the hand of your father. I had the same in every regard. I now live alone with two dogs and no one else in my life. I ran to another state from my abuser in 2010; after 52 years.

After all is said and done I have found that my life did not open up in the positive direction I had hoped. The extreme loneliness as depicted by others in this thread is excruciating and I too long for death as a relief.

I do think that sustained physical/emotional abuse causes permanent emotional dysfunction or PTS that is very difficult to shake and recover from. Too, unless you personally have sustained this type of abuse others really cannot fully fathom how emotionally difficult life can be --- even after the abuse stops.

We live in a world that really doesn't care about the storms you encountered; but rather, did you bring in the ship?
I'm so sorry about your terrible hardships and glad that you finally got away from your abuser. It does cause permanent damage, and in my case the mental disorder that I suffer from exacerbates the dysfunction. I know I am severely damaged and I have accepted that, and you're right about no one really caring about the storms you've encountered or are still encountering.....they just want to know what you can do for them.

There are only a few things that keep me going. My son, my Mother, the one and only friend that lives in another state and my pets. Maybe it's my fault for learning the survival technique long ago of pretending nothing is wrong, ever. I used to listen to other people drone on and on about their lives and problems, but if I tried to talk I was ignored and cut off. I stopped doing that so that left me without friends. They weren't friends anyway because it was always so one-sided and the minute I needed anything they weren't there for me.

I know we are supposed to live in the present and I only started doing that a few years ago. I don't dwell on the past but that doesn't change the fact the damage has already been done to ME and making people understand that is nearly impossible. You hear things like "change your attitude, and your life will change" or "stop wallowing in self-pity and get out in the world" but as you know, it has absolutely nothing to do with attitude or self-pity. There are real fears, phobias, illness and damage to the mind, body and soul.

The internet is the only place I share the truth of my life, it's therapeutic and there's no one to cut you off, you can talk without interruption. Some of the comments you get might not be nice but who cares? You will never meet these people and their opinion doesn't matter. People don't realize that you're not looking for advice or answers, just a place to vent and be among others who are struggling like you. Just needing to be heard, and be able to state that you want to die without overreaction and the paddy-wagon being called.

I'm glad that you shared and I hope that for the both of us that life does open up in some way that is meaningful and gives us purpose and a will to live. My plan is to begin volunteering somewhere after I start feeling better physically....I've had a lot of problems lately and still trying to get to the root of the problem. It will most likely be volunteering somewhere that involves animals, they bring me way more joy than people and who knows what will come of that. Hang in there and give yourself some time, it's only been 2 years. You can always come here and start a thread or participate in other threads, most of the people understand and won't condemn you. There are those occasional trolls who will try to make you feel bad but now that you're away from your abuser you won't put up with that anymore!! Good luck and thanks for the friend request.
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Old 09-04-2012, 05:36 AM
 
13,968 posts, read 26,549,439 times
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In soothing and healing an animal, in some small ways you soothe and heal yourself. Not a total fix, of course, but a bit of balm in the moment. It's a noble thing to do.
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Old 11-24-2012, 11:23 AM
 
657 posts, read 611,323 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dalebx28 View Post
so no one wants to talk about what is wrong, or what went wrong ?

no wonder we killing each other!!!!
amen or better said as "a man"
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