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Old 07-02-2012, 06:56 AM
 
18,847 posts, read 32,750,558 times
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Ha! Welcome to my world! I feel like I should visit my Mom, but she is so miserable, I really don't want to. I told her I was thinking about visiting her, she told me just to give her the cash.
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Old 07-02-2012, 03:35 PM
 
7,100 posts, read 24,943,437 times
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Getting pregnant and giving birth does not turn a P.I.T.A. into a wonderful person.

It's easier if you get used to the idea that if she were not your mother, you would probably never bother to even speak to her. It's easy for us to feel guilty. BUT, it's NOT our fault that she is someone that you should avoid if at all possible.

And for those that feel that we owe our dear, sweet, wonderful, loving mothers a lot.....you just don't have any idea how horrible some of these "mothers" can be.
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Old 07-02-2012, 05:36 PM
 
77 posts, read 162,622 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Oleg Bach View Post
My second daughter comes over to visit and we go out for a bite to eat..when we walk down the street we both laugh at the same things and will say the same thing at the same time...and when this daughter gets on her mothers bad side she always says> "You are just like your dad" Or she will say to me..."They learned that from you" - Which is wrong..it's genetics..

It's odd that your mother who found qualities in your dad that she liked- Liked them enough to marry the guy..but when she sees these things in her daughter she finds them irritating..My wife lives a few blocks away..now that the kids are grown..They find her very annoying...It's about people who have little control over their own lives so they try to control everybody else..No one likes a pushy person- My mother was very dominant and as a kid I had to fight for my rights..Not all mothers are angels..nor are all fathers.

Like I said- It's your mum..and parents are not around for ever..be patient and kind with her..You love her even though she is not perfect. You sound like a person with independent spirit- I would rather have a kid with spirit than some push over ...It's called character..You seem to have lots of that..keep the peace- sometimes it is better to keep your mouth shut.

This sounds like a very friendly and loving relationship.
Thank you so much for this, I have problems on accepting that there's something good on me.

Thank you for your nice words and for the advice
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Old 07-02-2012, 05:43 PM
 
77 posts, read 162,622 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jasper12 View Post
Ha! Welcome to my world! I feel like I should visit my Mom, but she is so miserable, I really don't want to. I told her I was thinking about visiting her, she told me just to give her the cash.

Yes, sometimes the signals they send are wrong. My mom used to make fun in front of me or humilliate me until I thought that I was a waste of the planet and then she said: I think parents can give the life over the children but not the children over their parents. Again, she was the poor victim and I was the evil.

It's frustrating and dissapointing I know.
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Old 07-02-2012, 05:45 PM
 
77 posts, read 162,622 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Padgett2 View Post
Getting pregnant and giving birth does not turn a P.I.T.A. into a wonderful person.

It's easier if you get used to the idea that if she were not your mother, you would probably never bother to even speak to her. It's easy for us to feel guilty. BUT, it's NOT our fault that she is someone that you should avoid if at all possible.

And for those that feel that we owe our dear, sweet, wonderful, loving mothers a lot.....you just don't have any idea how horrible some of these "mothers" can be.
Yes, you are totally right. I saw a phrase, it said: Just because were family doesn't mean i have to respect you. Respect is given when it's returned. That's so true, while my mom thought that I had to be his servand because she's the mom.
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Old 07-02-2012, 05:54 PM
 
Location: Australia
4,004 posts, read 5,456,536 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CreepyMuse View Post
I have, I was two years in therapy because the relationship with my mom was extremely harmful, hurtful and negative. I was about to kill myself in my teen years. Then, I had to quit therapy and I learned to have a more healthy relatinship with my mom. But everytime I'm on vacation and i visit home, is the same challenge of not losing the control because we are very different, she thinks she owns me and still thinks she can tell me what to wear, what to do and how to do it. She still has the same line: 'People is going to talk'. And she's very strong with that. But I'm doing it good, I am, I am...
I feel a bit annoyed that you posted here like you had a minor irritation with your mother, now here you are a couple of pages in and its become clear that the relationship is very dysfunctional indeed and has been for a very long time.

My advice is completely different now I understand the real issues.

My advice would be - you need to avoid this woman like the plague. The relationship is toxic, and will do you no good. I cannot fathom why you thought visiting her and STAYING IN HER HOUSE would be a good idea. You are instantly putting her back in a position of control over you by doing this. If you do feel you have to visit, make it overnight or stay in a hotel. This will solve your problem completely.

You must learn to put up barriers, and to cease caring what her opinion is of you. She will never change and you will never please her, so going back to that particular well when it is so clearly bone dry is a waste of time, effort, and emotion on your behalf.

Time to cut the apron strings once and for all.
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Old 07-02-2012, 05:54 PM
 
Location: FL
1,727 posts, read 2,243,803 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CreepyMuse View Post
My mom is like that. It'd tiring, really , you don't know how much. Only today she has been complaining about this:

1. I wore some shorts. Mom: I don't like those shorts, change them, too short (dah), don't go out with those shorts, what are the neighbors going to say? (this is her line of thinking) Oh My God! Those shorts. She looks at me with a disapproving look. Me: Mom, it's ok, don't worry bout my clothes. -BUT I DON'T LIKE THEM!

2. I need to go toanother city, Idon't have a lot of practice on driving, so I asked someone to dcome with me. Mom: No, not your cousin, he doesnt't have aliscence so you could get in trouble if the feds stop you. Me: Yes, I'm going to look for someone else. MOm: tes because if the feds stops you youre going to get in trouble. Me: yes, i know, i will tell somebody else. Mom: Yes, it's very dangerous,, blah blah blah. Me: yes mom, it's ok. She continued with this for like 3 more times I was like Ok mom! enough! AND SHE KEPT SAYING THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER AGAIN!

I can't ask an opinion because she wants what she says is what it has to be done, everything else is wrong! And the problem is not about putting boundaries, the problem is that you have to be repeating it like every five minutes, LITERALLY! Or she won't leave you alone with her litanies!


I feel bad for you. My brother-in-law and my mother-in-law are just like that! I am thankful that I don't have to live with either one.

Do everything you can to be able to move out on your own as soon as possible.
Keep your short shorts in a backback and change when you leave?? lol
It is kind of normal for mom's not to want their daughter to wear their shorts too short, and of course most mom's and daughters have very different defintions of what "short" means.

I hope you can figure out how to catch a break from her.
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Old 07-02-2012, 06:17 PM
 
2,728 posts, read 4,534,613 times
Reputation: 1785
Quote:
Originally Posted by CreepyMuse View Post
I have, I was two years in therapy because the relationship with my mom was extremely harmful, hurtful and negative. I was about to kill myself in my teen years. Then, I had to quit therapy and I learned to have a more healthy relatinship with my mom. But everytime I'm on vacation and i visit home, is the same challenge of not losing the control because we are very different, she thinks she owns me and still thinks she can tell me what to wear, what to do and how to do it. She still has the same line: 'People is going to talk'. And she's very strong with that. But I'm doing it good, I am, I am...
So I've read through most of the posts on this thread. All of yours, I believe.

My only question is this: Why are you "vacationing" with your mom for a whole month?

There are lots of people that I love, and care for very much - both family and non-family - but I would not want to spend an entire month together. And those are GOOD relationships!

You need to limit the time you spend with your mother. Bite sized doses. There may come a day when you are at a point that you can spend longer amounts of time with her, but that is obviously not the case now.

You're the one who has to control this. Your mom is not going to.
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Old 07-02-2012, 10:30 PM
 
77 posts, read 162,622 times
Reputation: 74
Quote:
Originally Posted by MsAnnThrope View Post
I feel a bit annoyed that you posted here like you had a minor irritation with your mother, now here you are a couple of pages in and its become clear that the relationship is very dysfunctional indeed and has been for a very long time.

My advice is completely different now I understand the real issues.

My advice would be - you need to avoid this woman like the plague. The relationship is toxic, and will do you no good. I cannot fathom why you thought visiting her and STAYING IN HER HOUSE would be a good idea. You are instantly putting her back in a position of control over you by doing this. If you do feel you have to visit, make it overnight or stay in a hotel. This will solve your problem completely.

You must learn to put up barriers, and to cease caring what her opinion is of you. She will never change and you will never please her, so going back to that particular well when it is so clearly bone dry is a waste of time, effort, and emotion on your behalf.

Time to cut the apron strings once and for all.
I stay at home because I miss my sister, dad and niece. I stay here because I can't afford a hotel, I [i]want [i] to come because I don't think that stop seeing her is going to solve the problem. Living here won't either, that's why I haven't moved back home and I won't. I want to put barriers! But emotionally more than physically, when I went to live on my own, I still have my mom in my mind, now I want to remove it even if I live with her for a month, this is a challenge for me. I want to be myself and not what she wants me to be. The underlined part is so true, and if in the future I see this gets more difficult emotionally for me, I will stiop seeing her, but for now, I don't think it's the best option.

I'm sorry that you feel annoyed, my intention was not writing the whole story but letting come out what was annoying me at that moment, then the course of the talk took me to write the root of all the problem. I didn't thought this was going to be this long, but it has helped me and many people, they are writing how they feel and and I think that's good for all of us. I'm sorry if you think that I wrote it with a bad intetion, I didn't mean that, really.
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Old 07-02-2012, 10:35 PM
 
77 posts, read 162,622 times
Reputation: 74
Quote:
Originally Posted by looking4answers12 View Post
I feel bad for you. My brother-in-law and my mother-in-law are just like that! I am thankful that I don't have to live with either one.

Do everything you can to be able to move out on your own as soon as possible.
Keep your short shorts in a backback and change when you leave?? lol
It is kind of normal for mom's not to want their daughter to wear their shorts too short, and of course most mom's and daughters have very different defintions of what "short" means.

I hope you can figure out how to catch a break from her.
Yes!! Not living with them was the best option! I love my apartment, it's reaaaaaally small but it's all mine. I only come home three times a year, so... it's fine.

I will change when I leave LOL, 'you like being almost naked!' is another of her phrases lol, but it's not too short really.

I'm leaving home in one month , it's the time of the year when I spend more time here, the other two times is for like two weeks.

Thank you
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