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Old 07-22-2012, 05:27 PM
Status: "Alexa, homeschool the children" (set 7 days ago)
 
Location: Near Manito
20,030 posts, read 21,621,780 times
Reputation: 15010

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Quote:
Originally Posted by veuvegirl View Post
Seriously? You are judging someone's mental status from how many rep points they have? If rep points made people feel better, damn, easier for all right?
Hey, girl. I'm calling attention to longevity, not state of mind.

Forest, trees. They're different.

 
Old 07-22-2012, 05:28 PM
 
Location: SC Foothills
8,831 posts, read 10,256,174 times
Reputation: 58216
Quote:
Originally Posted by Yeledaf View Post
Damn, Ilene. Fifty-five thousand rep points and you're feeling suicidal?

You're either doing one helluva job managing your depression or you're the fastest typist in the universe.
Ha, don't let the rep points fool ya...I simply found the honey hole. And you're right, I have done one helluva job disguising (not really managing) the depression but I simply don't have the strength to do it anymore. I give up. Guess I should explain somewhat without boring the hell out of you all or preaching to the choir....I'm bi-polar type I and it's just dumb luck or bad luck really that I'm still here. And I've never ventured into this forum at all until now...guess I was afraid of losing credibility in other forums. After reading some of the posts I was surprised by the honesty and I have to say it's quite refreshing to see people saying "I want to die" without the follow-up shock and horror and stupid, uneducated advice from "normal" people, whatever that is.

I haven't had a manic episode in quite some time, about 6 years and the depression is unbearable. Medication is not working and unless I have a manic episode or get electro-shock therapy very soon I don't know what will happen. An overdose sounds real good about now. Although I do like the idea one other poster mentioned, the good 'ole carbon monoxide trick. Over the years I managed it with drugs and alcohol (yep, alcoholic here) but lately I've been so depressed that I can't even muster the strength to get good and drunk every night like I used to. There are so many unbelievably horrible things that have happened to bring me to this point, although we all know that NOTHING has to happen to be unimaginably depressed.

Anyone who is bi-polar will understand what I'm about to say. I would give my left nut to be manic permanently......it's the most exhilarating state of being in the world, I'm extremely creative, outgoing and I feel invincible. But honestly, another manic attack like the last one I had would most likely kill me this time. Like I really give a **** about that. There is nothing that resembles life when you're depressed, nothing interests me, I curl up in a ball and become a hermit, no friends, no love life, no will to live. The only reasons I think I'm still here is concern for my mother and son and my pets. Once they're all gone all bets are off. I don't mean my son, once he's married and settled it'll be time to go. Used to I wouldn't do it because I was extremely religious and afraid of going to hell, now I don't even believe in god anymore so that's no longer a concern.

C-D is my only outlet and connection to the world, and it's easy to pretend you're normal behind the anonymity of a computer screen. Some would say that I have it pretty good, you know, what the hell do you have to be depressed about kind of thing, and if that needs to be explained then there's no damn reason to waste your breath. It's unexplainable. Yes, I've been a functioning bi-polar and functioning alcoholic since I was 13 but I can no longer do it, the *** is up. Game over.

I remember when I went into the mental hospital in 2007 where one of the male workers there pulled me to the side and said "Why are you here? You seem "normal" to me" and proceeded to hit on me and I told him dude, you have no idea what you're talking about. NO, I didn't have the scars that some of the others had like cigarette burns or scars from cutting myself.......everything is internalized and I was a matchstick away from blowing the place up. I did used to hit myself and scream at the top of my lungs but that was always done in private. And I had EXTREME anger issues, growing up I was always getting in fights, quit dozens of jobs and cursed people out on my way out the door, and of course my form of self-mutilation was always drugs, sex and alcohol.

The anger alone nearly got me killed several times, like I said I don't know how I'm still here. Or why for that matter. I contribute absolute nothing to society, and I live off the government via disability, medicaid and food stamps. I'm a big fat wart and completely useless. My days consist of C-D and smoking like a chimney, except for the two days a week I help my mother. But she helps me WAY more than I help her, I feel sorry for her that she has such a waste of a daughter. I've really used her up and spit her out several times especially when I was manic but she still tolerates me. She doesn't understand me at all and we are absolutely nothing alike but there she is, the epitome of excellence.

Yeah, guess that's more than ya'll might of wanted to hear and I can't really say why I've droned on and on except that it is a little therapeutic to do so. Just popped the top on my 2nd beer, I'm forcing myself to do it so I can stop thinking about going to the doctor tomorrow to find out what the heck is wrong with me physically. Could all be related to the depression, I don't know but I'm having some symptoms that I don't think are related. Hey, maybe I have cancer!! Ok, ok....sorry that's no laughing matter but I wouldn't be surprised, I've done a lot of hard living and it may be time to pay the piper. I mean, living with this illness for almost 50 years is enough. I'm tired folks, very very tired.
 
Old 07-22-2012, 11:03 PM
Status: "Alexa, homeschool the children" (set 7 days ago)
 
Location: Near Manito
20,030 posts, read 21,621,780 times
Reputation: 15010
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ilene Wright View Post
I mean, living with this illness for almost 50 years is enough. I'm tired folks, very very tired.
Hang in there, and look at the bright side: another 30.8 years and you'll be at the average lifespan of the average American female, bipolar or not.

Heck, you're gonna dance on my grave, Ilene!
 
Old 07-23-2012, 01:37 PM
 
9,137 posts, read 6,573,304 times
Reputation: 6979
I have stopped caring about certain things. I've been where you are. Fortunately, I have found something that is meaningful to me. My life is the exact same. No matter what I do, things always turn out for the worse, supernaturally. Right now I'm at the point where I want to be left alone.

The good news is that I have found something that I can focus on. One good thing is that you can find people that can help you and that you can help. It means a lot to know that you are not alone and that there are people you can associate with that you can help and receive help from. It seems like all of the jerks and mean spirited have community.
 
Old 07-23-2012, 01:58 PM
 
9,137 posts, read 6,573,304 times
Reputation: 6979
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ilene Wright View Post
Ha, don't let the rep points fool ya...I simply found the honey hole. And you're right, I have done one helluva job disguising (not really managing) the depression but I simply don't have the strength to do it anymore. I give up. Guess I should explain somewhat without boring the hell out of you all or preaching to the choir....I'm bi-polar type I and it's just dumb luck or bad luck really that I'm still here. And I've never ventured into this forum at all until now...guess I was afraid of losing credibility in other forums. After reading some of the posts I was surprised by the honesty and I have to say it's quite refreshing to see people saying "I want to die" without the follow-up shock and horror and stupid, uneducated advice from "normal" people, whatever that is.

I haven't had a manic episode in quite some time, about 6 years and the depression is unbearable. Medication is not working and unless I have a manic episode or get electro-shock therapy very soon I don't know what will happen. An overdose sounds real good about now. Although I do like the idea one other poster mentioned, the good 'ole carbon monoxide trick. Over the years I managed it with drugs and alcohol (yep, alcoholic here) but lately I've been so depressed that I can't even muster the strength to get good and drunk every night like I used to. There are so many unbelievably horrible things that have happened to bring me to this point, although we all know that NOTHING has to happen to be unimaginably depressed.

Anyone who is bi-polar will understand what I'm about to say. I would give my left nut to be manic permanently......it's the most exhilarating state of being in the world, I'm extremely creative, outgoing and I feel invincible. But honestly, another manic attack like the last one I had would most likely kill me this time. Like I really give a **** about that. There is nothing that resembles life when you're depressed, nothing interests me, I curl up in a ball and become a hermit, no friends, no love life, no will to live. The only reasons I think I'm still here is concern for my mother and son and my pets. Once they're all gone all bets are off. I don't mean my son, once he's married and settled it'll be time to go. Used to I wouldn't do it because I was extremely religious and afraid of going to hell, now I don't even believe in god anymore so that's no longer a concern.

C-D is my only outlet and connection to the world, and it's easy to pretend you're normal behind the anonymity of a computer screen. Some would say that I have it pretty good, you know, what the hell do you have to be depressed about kind of thing, and if that needs to be explained then there's no damn reason to waste your breath. It's unexplainable. Yes, I've been a functioning bi-polar and functioning alcoholic since I was 13 but I can no longer do it, the *** is up. Game over.

I remember when I went into the mental hospital in 2007 where one of the male workers there pulled me to the side and said "Why are you here? You seem "normal" to me" and proceeded to hit on me and I told him dude, you have no idea what you're talking about. NO, I didn't have the scars that some of the others had like cigarette burns or scars from cutting myself.......everything is internalized and I was a matchstick away from blowing the place up. I did used to hit myself and scream at the top of my lungs but that was always done in private. And I had EXTREME anger issues, growing up I was always getting in fights, quit dozens of jobs and cursed people out on my way out the door, and of course my form of self-mutilation was always drugs, sex and alcohol.

The anger alone nearly got me killed several times, like I said I don't know how I'm still here. Or why for that matter. I contribute absolute nothing to society, and I live off the government via disability, medicaid and food stamps. I'm a big fat wart and completely useless. My days consist of C-D and smoking like a chimney, except for the two days a week I help my mother. But she helps me WAY more than I help her, I feel sorry for her that she has such a waste of a daughter. I've really used her up and spit her out several times especially when I was manic but she still tolerates me. She doesn't understand me at all and we are absolutely nothing alike but there she is, the epitome of excellence.

Yeah, guess that's more than ya'll might of wanted to hear and I can't really say why I've droned on and on except that it is a little therapeutic to do so. Just popped the top on my 2nd beer, I'm forcing myself to do it so I can stop thinking about going to the doctor tomorrow to find out what the heck is wrong with me physically. Could all be related to the depression, I don't know but I'm having some symptoms that I don't think are related. Hey, maybe I have cancer!! Ok, ok....sorry that's no laughing matter but I wouldn't be surprised, I've done a lot of hard living and it may be time to pay the piper. I mean, living with this illness for almost 50 years is enough. I'm tired folks, very very tired.
Illene, you are not alone. I've been suicidal myself and just a couple of months ago, I have decided to talk myself out of taking an 8 hour walk in the sun during the summer months.

I'm sorry for what you have been going through. All I can say is that you have people in this forum that support you. I guess the best you can do is find people that have gone through similar struggles and can relate to you.
 
Old 07-23-2012, 05:32 PM
 
5,239 posts, read 6,979,793 times
Reputation: 11340
Quote:
Originally Posted by Yeledaf View Post
Hang in there, and look at the bright side
You obviously don't have any idea what its like to feel this way. This isn't someone having a bad day or a case of the blues. Some people here have no bright side to focus on. Alone and walking the wire between life and death is not easy to do everyday. Where's the bright side? Oh right..just go get some meds, and it all goes away. Well for many meds don't help enough or at all. It takes a great deal of strength to keep doing this every single day. People get tired when they see no end in sight to the battle, thus the feelings of wanting to give up. I know it well for I'm tired too. What would you say to someone in terrible physical pain everyday? I doubt you'd tell them to hang in there and look on the bright side?
 
Old 07-23-2012, 08:48 PM
 
Location: Purgatory
2,663 posts, read 4,684,519 times
Reputation: 3054
Quote:
Originally Posted by todd00 View Post
You obviously don't have any idea what its like to feel this way. This isn't someone having a bad day or a case of the blues. Some people here have no bright side to focus on. Alone and walking the wire between life and death is not easy to do everyday. Where's the bright side? Oh right..just go get some meds, and it all goes away. Well for many meds don't help enough or at all. It takes a great deal of strength to keep doing this every single day. People get tired when they see no end in sight to the battle, thus the feelings of wanting to give up. I know it well for I'm tired too. What would you say to someone in terrible physical pain everyday? I doubt you'd tell them to hang in there and look on the bright side?
Well said.

There is no "bright side" for me. I'm dealing with too many wrongs and I've truly lost hope, whether it's my ugly physical appearance, STBX wife sucking me dry financially, major debt, being technically homeless, feeling alone and out of place, stuck in a job and a place that I don't like and trying to deal with demons, past & present. What bright side is there? Please let me know.
 
Old 07-23-2012, 09:38 PM
 
Location: earth?
7,288 posts, read 11,260,365 times
Reputation: 8956
Quote:
Originally Posted by dreamofmonterey View Post

unsolicited pollyanna advice.
You are all just caught in negative cycles . . .YouTube "clearing negativity," or something . . . you really are just trapped in a relentless loop . . .if you can just step outside the loop for a bit you will see it . . .

If you want to be happy, you have to change what you are doing because it obviously is not working for you.

You are all just indulging in a giant mass pity-party . . .it's totally ego based and a dead end - just wasting time.

Go to YouTube and try to change your energy . . . do something different . . .there is a lot of free help out there - thank God for the internet!
 
Old 07-23-2012, 09:43 PM
 
Location: Somewhere out there...
3,663 posts, read 7,774,415 times
Reputation: 3715
You need to find joy in things you do, change your daily routine, find something you like to do and get out more, force yourself to smile more and you will find yourself feeling happier. Unless you are clinically depressed, in that case, seek medical attention.
 
Old 07-23-2012, 10:49 PM
 
Location: In a state of denial
1,289 posts, read 2,728,074 times
Reputation: 942
Quote:
Originally Posted by dragonborn View Post
Well said.

There is no "bright side" for me. I'm dealing with too many wrongs and I've truly lost hope, whether it's my ugly physical appearance, STBX wife sucking me dry financially, major debt, being technically homeless, feeling alone and out of place, stuck in a job and a place that I don't like and trying to deal with demons, past & present. What bright side is there? Please let me know.
there is always hope. things can change. get rid of the STBX and she can't suck you dry anymore. save up some money and get your own place, then do things that make YOU happy.
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