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Old 07-10-2012, 01:18 PM
 
Location: Fredericksburg, Va
5,226 posts, read 13,865,311 times
Reputation: 7479

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The walking thing could simply be different gaits....I'm a woman and hubby walks much slower than do I...and I tend to keep getting ahead of him!
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Old 07-10-2012, 05:24 PM
 
Location: New Jersey
8,712 posts, read 10,308,691 times
Reputation: 7553
Oh I'm sure he was just another one of these "nice guys" that have overrun the world.
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Old 07-10-2012, 05:34 PM
 
9,012 posts, read 8,632,113 times
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Well, that is a horrible situation that you witnessed; she has to break free.
And she might not even realize how bad it is yet.
Whenever I encounter that kind of thing I try to do something.
I can't stand witnessing that kind of scene.
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Old 07-10-2012, 06:10 PM
 
1,245 posts, read 1,576,305 times
Reputation: 1352
Quote:
Originally Posted by VelcroQueen View Post
My father was emotionally, verbally, and spiritually abused by Mother. I know what you are writing. If she had hit him, it would have been laguable. But that emotional, verbal, and spiritual stuff is worse, in my opinion, because it sneaks up on the victim, and it is very difficult to define.

The very unfortunate part of phyysical abuse is that is usually includes emotional, verbal, and spiritual abuse.

VX5650, G-d bless you! I am glad you are free from her. I hope you are fully free, anyway....

Thanks! Just a few technicalities and I will be free!
I literally got sick from all the stress before I left. I was having physical symptoms. When someone attacks you everyday it wears you down after a while both emotionally and physically.
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Old 07-10-2012, 07:14 PM
 
10,452 posts, read 10,968,079 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by VelcroQueen View Post
He didn't know. He didn't see. I was very careful.

I was very upset about this and mentioned it to my husband. He suggested that I make small cards to give to such persons, giving them the phone number for help and some encouraging word.

I once had such a card I carried for children and had one occasion to give it to a child -- very stealthily.

Since I plan to try to vcisit this store at the same time next Monday, perhaps. Perhaps....
I mean if he finds out that his victim has told anyone or even just let anyone know, that can really be the end of it for her.

I know you want to help. I think the only way to ensure a DV situation stops is to actually remove the victim from the situation, and sometimes that's beyond what you can do for a person. That's what my best friend did for me and if he had done anything else, it could have made things worse cause my ex would have probably completely gone off the deep end.
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Old 07-10-2012, 07:27 PM
 
9,957 posts, read 16,571,689 times
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Don't worry about her, she's been with that jerk enough to know his true colors. Believe it or not, such women WANT that type of treatment, its some sort of sick thrill----its the woman in me that brings out the beast in him! Really, they wouldn't feel like a woman if they weren't kicked around some, physically and mentally. To each his own! Don't waste time and worry over what you can't undo---and believe me, she would be the first to protest---oh, no, Brutus is wonderful! I just love the way he "handles" me!
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Old 07-10-2012, 09:27 PM
 
Location: FL
1,727 posts, read 2,245,901 times
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You didn't do "nothing". You did what you could. You were kind to her. And you were wise to be careful and to be concerned about not causing her more harm than good.

Hopefully you planted a seed that may grow. Women in those situation do need help, but they need the correct help and they need to figure out when THEY are ready for change. We can't make them want to get out because we know it's wrong. Each person in an abusive situation needs support but they also need NOT to be made to feel ashamed of their situation because that will just make them even less likely to seek the help they need.

I only mention this because I see so many people with good intentions sending the wrong message regarding abusive relationships and I feel its important for people to understand that when we say things like "I would never put up with that", or many other similar things, we may think we are helping, but we could very well be pushing this person further into hiding and away from asking for the help they need out of shame and embarassment.
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Old 07-10-2012, 09:30 PM
 
Location: FL
1,727 posts, read 2,245,901 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MaryleeII View Post
Don't worry about her, she's been with that jerk enough to know his true colors. Believe it or not, such women WANT that type of treatment, its some sort of sick thrill----its the woman in me that brings out the beast in him! Really, they wouldn't feel like a woman if they weren't kicked around some, physically and mentally. To each his own! Don't waste time and worry over what you can't undo---and believe me, she would be the first to protest---oh, no, Brutus is wonderful! I just love the way he "handles" me!

You are overgeneralizing a bit.
Yes, there are SOME women who like to be dominated. But there are other women, who just can't believe that they deserve better, or perhaps they simply found themselves in a bad situation and are too scared to find their way out of it.
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Old 07-11-2012, 03:36 AM
 
9,957 posts, read 16,571,689 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by looking4answers12 View Post
You are overgeneralizing a bit.
Yes, there are SOME women who like to be dominated. But there are other women, who just can't believe that they deserve better, or perhaps they simply found themselves in a bad situation and are too scared to find their way out of it.

Of course, I can't speak for all women. You are, of course, quite right, many women find themselves in bad situations with no real way out. Its just that I've seen too many women who actually like being treated like dirt. Once I shared an apt with a friend. The "couple" downstairs had an every Sat night fight, we could hear them screaming, throwing stuff, breaking windows, etc. Several times she ran up to us, seeking safety. We let her in, she would be shaking, blood-stained, etc. But if I tried to call police, she would laugh in my face. oh, come on, all men are like that, take it easy. So, finally, we refused to let her run to us during a fight. We just locked the door told her "all men are like that". We did call police, they came out, talked to them, then left. I moved the next week. The landlord evicted them, I understood she went with him wherever they went. BTW, she was the breadwinner, he was unemployed.

Another similar example---a gal I knew OWNED her home, inherited from her parents, and made darned good money as an accountant. She, too, had a live-in boyfriend who would beat her up every Sat night. When we asked why didn't she kick him out, she actually said she didn't want people to think she was an old maid or a lesbian I guess she figured that was worth a regular beating!

I could go on and on with similar examples, but my point is this---

not everyone has the same desires in life, nor the same standards for what they will put up with. Some people are simply gluttons for punishment, don't interfere or you will regret it and not help anyone!
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Old 07-11-2012, 03:55 AM
 
Location: St. Louis, MO
4,009 posts, read 5,757,949 times
Reputation: 4569
To anybody who knows anybody going through this, or thinks they themselves are going through this or similar, I recommend reading Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry, Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft. It doesn't excuse horrid behavior by any means, but it helps spouses/girlfriends/partners understand their SO, and understand when they need to get out of a situation.

My first husband was what the OP described in public, plus ten times worse behind closed doors. I stayed with him as long as I did because he had me convinced that "nobody else would take me" and that "I was lucky to have him- because he could get anyone he wanted", beyond other things.

Thankfully he's in the past and my current husband is wonderful.

My heart goes out though to any woman who's in a relationship like OP described.
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