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Old 07-11-2012, 03:56 AM
 
944 posts, read 1,519,577 times
Reputation: 618

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sure he didn't just START talking /treating her like that...... someone enjoy abuse.


BTW a REAL man does not act like this..... like to see him bully another man and see how tuff he is.
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Old 07-11-2012, 05:07 AM
 
Location: FL
1,727 posts, read 2,243,803 times
Reputation: 1047
Quote:
Originally Posted by MaryleeII View Post
Of course, I can't speak for all women. You are, of course, quite right, many women find themselves in bad situations with no real way out. Its just that I've seen too many women who actually like being treated like dirt. Once I shared an apt with a friend. The "couple" downstairs had an every Sat night fight, we could hear them screaming, throwing stuff, breaking windows, etc. Several times she ran up to us, seeking safety. We let her in, she would be shaking, blood-stained, etc. But if I tried to call police, she would laugh in my face. oh, come on, all men are like that, take it easy. So, finally, we refused to let her run to us during a fight. We just locked the door told her "all men are like that". We did call police, they came out, talked to them, then left. I moved the next week. The landlord evicted them, I understood she went with him wherever they went. BTW, she was the breadwinner, he was unemployed.

Another similar example---a gal I knew OWNED her home, inherited from her parents, and made darned good money as an accountant. She, too, had a live-in boyfriend who would beat her up every Sat night. When we asked why didn't she kick him out, she actually said she didn't want people to think she was an old maid or a lesbian I guess she figured that was worth a regular beating!

I could go on and on with similar examples, but my point is this---

not everyone has the same desires in life, nor the same standards for what they will put up with. Some people are simply gluttons for punishment, don't interfere or you will regret it and not help anyone!
Thanks MaryleeII for sharing your experiences and how you've formed your point of view on this subject.
I think most of us form our opinions depending on what we've witnessed or experienced, along with things we may have read or learned.

I've certainly witnessed my share of abusive situations and I've even personally participated in my share of volatile situations.

It truly is amazing how much some people will tolerate in their lives. I think their are a gajillion reasons that people turn out the way they do.

I can agree with you to some extent on your conclusions, just not completely.

Yes, some women are certainly beyond help. Some may even enjoy the abuse to some degree. There is certainly a portion of the population that enjoy being dominated and even abused.

But, I believe there is a larger portion that have ended up in these relationship for reasons that go beyond "enjoyment". Not knowing better is one. Some women probably do truly believe "all men are like that". Perhaps they grew up with fathers that demonstrated the same type of behavior. Heck, maybe they even grew up with extended families where that was the norm!

Some women do fall to believing they can't do better.

I think in some cases, all we can do is let them know that 1 - No, all men are NOT like that! and 2- They CAN do better.

In some cases, after that it is up to them to figure out what to do next.

I can understand why you stopped letting her in after a while. It'd kind of like The Boy who cried wolf.
It's not fair for people to drag others into their drama if they are going to continue doing the same thing over and over again.

This is definitely a subject worth discussing.
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Old 07-11-2012, 08:32 AM
 
Location: In a house
13,253 posts, read 37,848,758 times
Reputation: 20198
Quote:
Originally Posted by VelcroQueen View Post
He didn't know. He didn't see. I was very careful.

I was very upset about this and mentioned it to my husband. He suggested that I make small cards to give to such persons, giving them the phone number for help and some encouraging word.

I once had such a card I carried for children and had one occasion to give it to a child -- very stealthily.

Since I plan to try to vcisit this store at the same time next Monday, perhaps. Perhaps....
Control-freak mates who treat their S.O's as property, are going to find that card, and accuse their mate of infidelity, or worse.

The couple comes home from their outing...
"Time to check your purse, Jane."
He checks it, finds the card.
"What's this, a card for a lawyer? Are you gonna try to divorce me? I'LL KILL YOU BEFORE YOU HAVE A CHANCE TO MAKE THAT CALL! DO YOU HEAR ME? PICK UP THE PHONE! GO AHEAD PICK IT UP #@@#$$$9((***&&!!!!!"

while he gets the stick he uses to beat her with.

Honestly - if you feel someone is under the control of a violent person, stay OUT of it. Call the police, or social services, or the landlord to file a formal complaint, but keep yourself at a safe distance from the situation. Because, if he calls that number on the card, and his caller ID thing can tell him who he is calling, you could be next. Right after he beats the crap out of his wife for -daring- to accept help from an outsider.
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Old 07-11-2012, 08:54 AM
 
568 posts, read 847,571 times
Reputation: 1244
How sad, but it is very common situation...can only help those who want to help themselves.
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Old 07-11-2012, 09:12 AM
 
Location: West Coast USA
1,577 posts, read 1,913,393 times
Reputation: 3140

911


National Abuse Hotline
1.800.799.SAFE
TTY -- 1.800.787.3244


Specifically For Children
1.800.4.A.CHILD


Child Sexual Abuse
"Darkness to Light"
1.866.FOR.LIGHT


Sexual Assault (rape & incest)
1.800.656.HOPE
Also 1.888.PREVENT


Dating Violence
1.866.331.9474
TTY -- 1.866.331.8453


Elder Abuse
1.800.677.1116


Stalking
1.800.FYI.CALL



Quote:
Originally Posted by AnonChick View Post
Control-freak mates who treat their S.O's as property, are going to find that card, and accuse their mate of infidelity, or worse.

The couple comes home from their outing...
"Time to check your purse, Jane."
He checks it, finds the card.
"What's this, a card for a lawyer? Are you gonna try to divorce me? I'LL KILL YOU BEFORE YOU HAVE A CHANCE TO MAKE THAT CALL! DO YOU HEAR ME? PICK UP THE PHONE! GO AHEAD PICK IT UP #@@#$$$9((***&&!!!!!"

while he gets the stick he uses to beat her with.

Honestly - if you feel someone is under the control of a violent person, stay OUT of it. Call the police, or social services, or the landlord to file a formal complaint, but keep yourself at a safe distance from the situation. Because, if he calls that number on the card, and his caller ID thing can tell him who he is calling, you could be next. Right after he beats the crap out of his wife for -daring- to accept help from an outsider.
Just want you to know that I would never ever give someone my number. Thank you for bringing this up. I used this as an opportunity to put some numbers here for anyone in similar situations as well as for those who know about such situations.

http://www.stopfamilyviolence.org/he...ve-personality

http://www.stopfamilyviolence.org/he...hnology-safety
Report
Internet Safety
WARNING - If you are currently being stalked or abused it may not be safe to view this website. Your abuser can track your online actions – there is nothing you can do to completely remove your tracks.

If you think you might be in danger we suggest that you use a computer at a public library.

If you need help now, call 911 or the
• US National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233
• US National Sexual Assault Hotline 1-800-656-4673
• US National Teen Dating Violence Helpline 1-866-331-9474
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Old 07-11-2012, 10:04 AM
 
9,946 posts, read 16,555,190 times
Reputation: 16840
Quote:
Originally Posted by VelcroQueen View Post
911


National Abuse Hotline
1.800.799.SAFE
TTY -- 1.800.787.3244


Specifically For Children
1.800.4.A.CHILD


Child Sexual Abuse
"Darkness to Light"
1.866.FOR.LIGHT


Sexual Assault (rape & incest)
1.800.656.HOPE
Also 1.888.PREVENT


Dating Violence
1.866.331.9474
TTY -- 1.866.331.8453


Elder Abuse
1.800.677.1116


Stalking
1.800.FYI.CALL




Just want you to know that I would never ever give someone my number. Thank you for bringing this up. I used this as an opportunity to put some numbers here for anyone in similar situations as well as for those who know about such situations.

Signs of an Abusive Personality | Stop Family Violence

Internet and Technology Safety | Stop Family Violence
Report
Internet Safety
WARNING - If you are currently being stalked or abused it may not be safe to view this website. Your abuser can track your online actions – there is nothing you can do to completely remove your tracks.

If you think you might be in danger we suggest that you use a computer at a public library.

If you need help now, call 911 or the
• US National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233
• US National Sexual Assault Hotline 1-800-656-4673
• US National Teen Dating Violence Helpline 1-866-331-9474

Very good advice!
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Old 07-11-2012, 10:12 AM
 
9,946 posts, read 16,555,190 times
Reputation: 16840
Another good book

Men Who Hate Women, and the women who love them

I don't remember the author. It was published many years ago, I don't know if its still in print. My mother gave me a copy, many years after I had gotten out of an abusive relationship. Although the relationship was long gone, it still helped me gain closure. I thought my "guy" was unique, I found he was a classic nut case.

Note, I said I got out of the relationship. How? My dad had taught me how to throw a mean left hook. One night dear bf decided to play cave man, he met his match. Back then I was young and very strong. Ok, I had support, my parents, and my upbringing---I wasn't raised to be someone's punching bag.

Oh, what a blessing the dh I have. Strong as an ox, gentle as a lamb, gives me my space.....my mother said sometimes you have to practice on the jerks to appreciate the good ones when they come around.
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Old 07-11-2012, 10:46 AM
Status: "Disoriented" (set 18 days ago)
 
Location: Coastal New Jersey
61,049 posts, read 58,301,649 times
Reputation: 73078
Quote:
Originally Posted by VelcroQueen View Post
Was in a grocery store today, and there was a male person there, about 6'1", about 240, not fat but built. It was with a woman about 5'6", 125 pounds at the most, pretty, and eyes wide like a frightened deer's. They were likely in their late 20s.

He was whisper-yelling at her (do you know what I intend by that?) telling her that she was a ___ idiot, to ___ get the ___ item she mentioned, and to ____ quit acting like a ___ ___. This idiot-talk went on and on as I stood there in shock, and she just cringed and did what he told her.

I was shaken.

When it was time to check out, they were already at one of the checkstands, and he was up there charming the checker, the bagger, and everyone around him, even two checkstands down. They were all laughing and having a good time. He was charming them all.

And the woman was silent.

I tried to find a time, a way to say somethiing that would not get her beaten up when they left, but the only chance I saw was when he momentarily turned his back. i touched her shoulder. She jumped, turned, and looked. All I could get out was a whispered "G-d bless you." He turned back again, and I pretended to have done nothing. So did she, after a quick, weak smile.

And they left together, with him posturing all the way down to the car, and her still just trying to be invisible.

I have been praying for her since.

A beautiful young lady, and she seemed to be such a sweet person. Why?

Something I see a lot in this town, too, is "couples": men walking ahead of women, walking as though she means nothing, and she! The women are running behind them, trying to stay behind them. Often, the men are spitting out stacatto words, and she is just running to follow, saying little.

Tonight, I feel just sick over this and the fact that I did nothing.

Yes, I know: she is an adult. She has made her choice. But sometimes, it is not that simple.

So I pray.

But I have had time to think this through. Next time, I will try to do something. I don't know what, but something. Something that won't get her hurt more.
Usually they are like that because that's what they know. They don't have any idea that they are worth being treated any better than that. They may have been talked to/treated that way by their parents.

I hope someone hears your prayers.
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Old 07-11-2012, 11:57 AM
 
Location: Cushing OK
14,545 posts, read 18,219,558 times
Reputation: 16829
Quote:
Originally Posted by scratchNsniff View Post
It's hard to make it in life alone. It's easier and cheaper to rent an apartment with another person, especially if you have kids. And sometimes women are "fixers" who think they can be the one to change that guy from a brute into a nice person. And really it's just hard to go at life alone. I'm alone, utterly alone and I'm that way because I don't put up with BS, I can't deal with it. So I will become the cat lady. But many other women don't want to be the crazy mumu wearing cat lady, so they will put up with a hitter or an abuser.
I was a fixer. First one yelled. He eventually got violent but there *was* something there. He's the one that ended it. Second one I married, feeling safe, since he wasn't violent, didn't yell, but got real quiet. But control is multifacited. That ended with disastor. I had therapy, but mostlly just was by myself. Along the way I had a boyfriend who thought I stayed up too late. He had even checked at some hypnotherapy place and said they could 'fix' that.

It was over in an instant. Take me as I am, now, or not at all. And the same with you. I do have a very dear friend whom I'd love very much to be more, but that friendship matters very much. It took a long time and a lot of honesty to get past my defences.

But I live alone with my pets. I like having my own time to control. Sometimes I think I'd like company, but then, what if I wanted to stay up and they wanted to sleep? But mostly I don't want to have the strain of dealing with humans. Dogs yes. Cats yes. Even maybe bunnies. People too close? no.

The thing that made the difference is when I discovered that is isn't terrible to be alone and have your own space, and I've always been a loner anyway.
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Old 07-11-2012, 12:04 PM
 
Location: right here
4,135 posts, read 4,922,291 times
Reputation: 4892
I don't understand why people put up with it....male or female. I was at a bar watching a sporting event a few months ago and this guy came in who was clearly drunk..he was telling his wife what a dumb c*&nt she was...and how embarrassed he is to be married to her..she was beautiful, a little overweight but beautiful. Anyway, I happen to be standing next to her...she was crying..not making a scene but the tears were rolling down. As I walked away..I looked up and told her "run." She knew exactly what I meant...I think about her a lot and wonder what happened to her to think she deserved such a complete pr**k.
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