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Old 07-11-2012, 12:12 PM
 
Location: Cushing OK
14,545 posts, read 18,239,537 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by looking4answers12 View Post
You are overgeneralizing a bit.
Yes, there are SOME women who like to be dominated. But there are other women, who just can't believe that they deserve better, or perhaps they simply found themselves in a bad situation and are too scared to find their way out of it.
Yes, its systematic. It starts with little things. Don't like the food. Fix me something else. You pick up my mess. I want to watch football. Women give in since its not worth the fight. Then it gets worse. You spent money on stuff I didn't say you could. Tempers are roused and open threats are made. Women give in since they are already conditioned by the little things to, and they are ashamed. They don't like that they bought it but can't figure out how not to, and don't want to have anyone know they were so weak.

Then being weak is the defense. I am powerless so all I can do is go along. I have no will in this so its all I can do. Sometimes the turning point is fear for children, sometimes someone like friends or family try to intercede. But its a two way street. Little steps lead to bigger ones and both get trapped in this little hell of a relationship. Out of survival, she becomes the partener he wants. She loses all self worth. The hardest thing in trying to help is keeping her from being hurt badly in revenge and feeling inside after all that conditioning that she doesn't deserve anything else.

Women go back to abusive men not because they like it but because they have been beaten down so much they don't see any other option. The bad known is far easier than the terrifying unknown of being alone.

Women also abuse men. The shame for men is worse and fewer ever tell. But the psychology is the same.
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Old 07-11-2012, 12:13 PM
 
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I agree with scratch N sniff. I'm alone also because I don't want to put up with foolishness. I have 2 children but don't date because I have been that woman, trying not to say anything to set him off, hoping he won't verbally attack me later or even worse, out in public. She won't leave until she's had enough. Hopefully it won't be too late.
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Old 07-12-2012, 09:06 AM
 
13,051 posts, read 16,119,396 times
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I think it might have something to do with how these women were raised...maybe they never had a loving father to show them how a real man treats women (just my guess)...it is all very sad...very frustrating when you know there's nothing you can do, and that they're living a life of fear and despair....I was parked in a lot one time and this car came by...a man was driving, and I was shocked when I saw him viciously SMACK his female companion beside him with the back of his hand....I really wished I could SMACK him back...ten times worse....just thinking about it makes me steam....
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Old 07-12-2012, 09:08 AM
 
Location: southern california
57,906 posts, read 76,880,876 times
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in 9 out of 10 cases even with intervention, the abused goes back to the abuser.
u saw 2 sick people not just 1.
until she deals with her stuff, if she gets rid of this one she will go out and get another just like him.
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Old 07-12-2012, 10:28 AM
 
18,847 posts, read 32,779,514 times
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I have seen this...sad.
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Old 07-12-2012, 11:04 AM
 
Location: Fredericksburg/Virginia Beach, VA
11,009 posts, read 11,621,060 times
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To the OP, a very good topic for discussion. Thank you for sharing this. I've experienced/witnessed this from a couple of different angles.

When I was a senior in high school, I had a thing for this girl who had transferred in from a cross town school. She and I hit it off. She had a boyfriend, who was 28. Think about the 28 year old men that you know. Which ones of them would be willing to date a high school senior? What does that say about this guy? He was a total jerk. He never hit her, but he definitely engaged in physical abuse through threats and intimidation. She used to complain incessantly about him, which compounded my frustration because I often directly told her my feelings for her. Last I heard of her was a few months ago. She saw my dad and told him to say hello to me from her. Then she (reportedly) turned to a co-worker and explained, "The one that got away." Well, it wasn't for lack of effort on my part. At least she eventually broke things off with the older guy though.

A few years later I landed myself in what became a downright volatile relationship. A couple of arguments turned especially nasty and she sucker punched me a few times. (Hard enough that I had to explain the bruises on my face to my boss.) Once she even came at me with a knife. Class act, right? I never hit her back, though I did restrain her. Especially the knife incident. I do not consider myself a victim because I was always strong enough to take care of myself. But why put up with that? It was as if I had not learned a thing about abusive and controlling people from my high school crush. Despite all the warnings, I did not break things off with her. In fact, she eventually broke up with me. To this day I do not understand why I stayed with her.

One night I had been at a ballgame and then hit a few sports bars after the game. Eventually it was time to make my way home, but I had a bit of a buzz, so I walked aimlessly around DT Denver for about an hour before returning to my car. As I rounded one corner, I saw a guy straight up cold-**** his girlfriend. He saw me right as he did it. I didn't know what to do, so I just said, "Whoa, man, calm down. Let's take a walk." (something like that.) He backed away, and as he did, his girlfriend got up and got in my face, screaming at me to mind my own [bad words] business! So sad, yet I can't judge, seeings how I was once in her position as well.

Those are some little examples, but by no means are they an exhaustive list of the sad stories I've seen. Guys like the one at the store are jerks. I would say he needs to get his a** kicked, but I'm not sure he's worth the effort. I'd much rather see that young lady realize that she has too much value as a person to be in that relationship and that she can do better.
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Old 07-12-2012, 11:13 AM
 
Location: Dallas TX
15,441 posts, read 22,693,043 times
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When you are in a relationship like that you are so beaten down you think you get everything you deserve. You are stripped away from any confidence you may have once had. I lived through a relationship like this for three years. I finally got the courage to leave him and never look back.

Now I look back and cringe at the three years I wasted with this man. What's worse IMO is my friends never said anything to me. They either stopped being my friend because they couldn't stand being around 'him' or just ignored the situation.

Good for you saying something to her, when others may not have the courage.
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Old 07-12-2012, 11:15 AM
 
Location: Dallas TX
15,441 posts, read 22,693,043 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Huckleberry3911948 View Post
in 9 out of 10 cases even with intervention, the abused goes back to the abuser.
u saw 2 sick people not just 1.
until she deals with her stuff, if she gets rid of this one she will go out and get another just like him.
I wouldn't call her sick, it is a very tough situation to be in. Unless you have been there really are no words to describe what she is going through.
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Old 07-12-2012, 11:25 AM
 
Location: Fredericksburg/Virginia Beach, VA
11,009 posts, read 11,621,060 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by veuvegirl View Post
I wouldn't call her sick, it is a very tough situation to be in. Unless you have been there really are no words to describe what she is going through.
Not only that, but I don't think the word "sick" doesn't really apply to the man in the OP's case. This guy had the ability to treat others around him with decency, but trampled all over the girl. He was selective in his control. He is only controlling over those who he knows will not object or push back. That makes him calculating. He likes control, but doesn't risk it unless he knows he's going to win.

It's sad and weak. On second thought, maybe "sick" is a good word too.
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Old 07-12-2012, 01:41 PM
 
Location: Cushing OK
14,545 posts, read 18,239,537 times
Reputation: 16829
Quote:
Originally Posted by iknowftbll View Post
Not only that, but I don't think the word "sick" doesn't really apply to the man in the OP's case. This guy had the ability to treat others around him with decency, but trampled all over the girl. He was selective in his control. He is only controlling over those who he knows will not object or push back. That makes him calculating. He likes control, but doesn't risk it unless he knows he's going to win.

It's sad and weak. On second thought, maybe "sick" is a good word too.
He's a controller. When he's acting decently he's doing it knowing he needs to. I'm sure he's also capable of being very sympathetic and kind, or looking it, if he needs to.

The ones who are not obvious, who can charm and smile and be thought of as the nice guy are the most dangerous, since its easy for a suceptable woman to be sucked in, and once they have accepted the small control, they see the rest.

My husband was quiet, didn't yell or push but hid in the bedroom or left to get his own dinner. Then he did the stony look. This is just as much controlling as a direct order since that need to have control is still there. For me, since he wasn't violent, I never saw the control and manipulation. But psychological dominance can be just as destructive.

I think we should educate girls, and boys too, about relationships. You can come from a good family where none of this has happened, and yet not know the signs until you've already started to buy them. Girls especially need to be taught that they should not accept the dominance of men and boyfriends.

This is one of our ugly little secrets which we need to make an open book since its the only way to make a difference.
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