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Old 07-12-2012, 01:50 PM
 
Location: Fredericksburg/Virginia Beach, VA
11,017 posts, read 11,630,595 times
Reputation: 14526

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Quote:
Originally Posted by nightbird47 View Post
The ones who are not obvious, who can charm and smile and be thought of as the nice guy are the most dangerous, since its easy for a suceptable woman to be sucked in, and once they have accepted the small control, they see the rest.
You raise a very good point with this statement here. Right along with that is the fact that this type of guy, due to his wit, charm, and personality, tends to have a lot of repore with others. He's everybody's favorite. The crowd loves him. The result? Think about what would happen if he did beat this girl up. There would be no shortage of people in shock. "Oh, he would never harm a fly. He's such a nice guy." Then the credibility of the victim is questioned. "What did she do to set him off..." That sort of thing. The last thing she should have to worry about after being abused is throngs of people rushing in to question her character while talking about what a great guy her abuser is.

Of course I'm not saying this is the case with the OP's example, but a strong likelihood in countless others.
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Old 07-12-2012, 02:07 PM
 
1,882 posts, read 2,934,022 times
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wow. i would have reacted the same way, and wouldn't have been able to forget. that was a very amazing gesture on your part and that shows alot of humanity. she may hang onto that and thank god that someone noticed. no one should have to be treated that way, for any reason. god knows what he does behind closed doors. if women watched out for each other instead of comparing themselves to or tearing each other down like jealous housewives we might start seeing less of this sort of crap. kudos to you.
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Old 07-12-2012, 06:31 PM
 
826 posts, read 1,685,661 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nightbird47 View Post
I was a fixer. First one yelled. He eventually got violent but there *was* something there. He's the one that ended it. Second one I married, feeling safe, since he wasn't violent, didn't yell, but got real quiet. But control is multifacited. That ended with disastor. I had therapy, but mostlly just was by myself. Along the way I had a boyfriend who thought I stayed up too late. He had even checked at some hypnotherapy place and said they could 'fix' that.

It was over in an instant. Take me as I am, now, or not at all. And the same with you. I do have a very dear friend whom I'd love very much to be more, but that friendship matters very much. It took a long time and a lot of honesty to get past my defences.

But I live alone with my pets. I like having my own time to control. Sometimes I think I'd like company, but then, what if I wanted to stay up and they wanted to sleep? But mostly I don't want to have the strain of dealing with humans. Dogs yes. Cats yes. Even maybe bunnies. People too close? no.

The thing that made the difference is when I discovered that is isn't terrible to be alone and have your own space, and I've always been a loner anyway.
I like what you said above (in bold). It is powerful.
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Old 07-12-2012, 06:55 PM
 
1,245 posts, read 1,577,142 times
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Some people actually enjoy being treated badly. It makes them feel alive. I'm not, however, saying that is the case in the OP's example. I've been pretty good at getting women to tell me their darkest fantasies[I guess it's the Scorpio in me ] and I have been shocked by what I have heard. The majority have involved having some pretty nasty things done to them. Now, it could be that I have only talked to mentally ill women but now we have these "50 Shades Of Grey" books and I've heard women going crazy over them. From what I understand these books are about some rich guy who treats a young girl as a submissive and makes her submit to his control.
I'm not advocating abuse in any way. I myself am coming out of an emotionally abusive relationship. I did not enjoy it. But I do believe that some do enjoy being mistreated. Or I should say that their definition of "mistreated" and society's definition of "mistreated" are two different things.
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Old 07-12-2012, 07:11 PM
 
Location: Los Angeles area
14,017 posts, read 18,381,551 times
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Both my parents are now deceased. My mother had a martyr complex. She would goad my father until his anger became abusive, mostly verbally, thank goodness. To the extent that she could manipulate my father into "mistreating" her, she could feel justified as a martyr and also in her resentment of him. As my father aged he also mellowed and it became more and more difficult to provoke him into angry reactions, so my mother finally up and left him after over 30 years of marriage. I met and married my ex-wife after my parents separated. My father didn't dream of saying anything about my mother to my wife, but my mother got her alone and tried to win an ally by recounting all sorts of past BS, including things that happened before I was even born! My mother was still fighting that battle! Her ploy did not work but it did illustrate her sickness to me. If you had listened only to my mother's side and accepted it as told by her, you would have allied yourself to her against the "domineering and abusive" husband. But I was there and I know differently.

I am not saying that is the situation with the couple witnessed by the OP, where it seems the husband is truly a monster. I just couldn't help but recall my parents in reading all this.
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Old 07-12-2012, 08:41 PM
 
Location: Cushing OK
14,545 posts, read 18,253,157 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by VX5650 View Post
Some people actually enjoy being treated badly. It makes them feel alive. I'm not, however, saying that is the case in the OP's example. I've been pretty good at getting women to tell me their darkest fantasies[I guess it's the Scorpio in me ] and I have been shocked by what I have heard. The majority have involved having some pretty nasty things done to them. Now, it could be that I have only talked to mentally ill women but now we have these "50 Shades Of Grey" books and I've heard women going crazy over them. From what I understand these books are about some rich guy who treats a young girl as a submissive and makes her submit to his control.
I'm not advocating abuse in any way. I myself am coming out of an emotionally abusive relationship. I did not enjoy it. But I do believe that some do enjoy being mistreated. Or I should say that their definition of "mistreated" and society's definition of "mistreated" are two different things.
Fantasy roleplaying isn't the same thing. I haven't read the book, and don't intend to, but from what's been said its voluntary and recreational. I knew a couple who were involved in bondage. They enjoyed it, but didn't push it on anyone else. But in their 'normal life' they were not controlling people. It was playing a role apart from that which both enjoyed. Neither considered it mistreatment.

If she'd tied him up without it being voluntary and motivated by fear, that would be different.

True abuse is not playing roleplaying games but having one partner take over the life and choices of the other through methods of fear and control and take the will rather than having it temperarily given.
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Old 07-13-2012, 12:32 AM
 
Location: bloomington,illinois
192 posts, read 385,232 times
Reputation: 246
Quote:
Originally Posted by VX5650 View Post
It's not just women! I left my wife earlier this year because she started treating me like that. Totally critical all the time. If we drove to a store, when we would arrive she would jump out of the car a run ahead of me. She turned into quite the monster-ette! There was no physical abuse from her but when someone is critical 24/7 it wears you down and you don't even know who you are anymore.
I empathize, I also filed for divorce from my "witch" in 2000.


t.
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Old 07-13-2012, 09:44 PM
 
4,043 posts, read 3,103,766 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by VelcroQueen View Post
Was in a grocery store today, and there was a male person there, about 6'1", about 240, not fat but built. It was with a woman about 5'6", 125 pounds at the most, pretty, and eyes wide like a frightened deer's. They were likely in their late 20s.

He was whisper-yelling at her (do you know what I intend by that?) telling her that she was a ___ idiot, to ___ get the ___ item she mentioned, and to ____ quit acting like a ___ ___. This idiot-talk went on and on as I stood there in shock, and she just cringed and did what he told her.

I was shaken.

When it was time to check out, they were already at one of the checkstands, and he was up there charming the checker, the bagger, and everyone around him, even two checkstands down. They were all laughing and having a good time. He was charming them all.

And the woman was silent.

I tried to find a time, a way to say somethiing that would not get her beaten up when they left, but the only chance I saw was when he momentarily turned his back. i touched her shoulder. She jumped, turned, and looked. All I could get out was a whispered "G-d bless you." He turned back again, and I pretended to have done nothing. So did she, after a quick, weak smile.

And they left together, with him posturing all the way down to the car, and her still just trying to be invisible.

I have been praying for her since.

A beautiful young lady, and she seemed to be such a sweet person. Why?

Something I see a lot in this town, too, is "couples": men walking ahead of women, walking as though she means nothing, and she! The women are running behind them, trying to stay behind them. Often, the men are spitting out stacatto words, and she is just running to follow, saying little.

Tonight, I feel just sick over this and the fact that I did nothing.

Yes, I know: she is an adult. She has made her choice. But sometimes, it is not that simple.

So I pray.

But I have had time to think this through. Next time, I will try to do something. I don't know what, but something. Something that won't get her hurt more.

Calmly look at him, not addressing him in an impatient, monsterous way that he is, her, and tell him that he's in serious need of help, and maybe ask him if he's about to "knock her around" when he gets her home. Maybe ask her bluntly, right there in front of him if she wants to come with you, and you take her to the cops or a shelter, or something?? Because he is making it your/our business when and if he goes off on someone in public. You would want to address him IN the store in front of others and not out in the parking lot.

Now that I've shared that, I in all honesty must tell you that I'm not sure how I would handle it. This is just the type of situation and reason that we are supposed to be spontaneous, and not decide how we'd handle it. I am not sure, but praying for her, yes I would've been, too.
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Old 07-13-2012, 11:18 PM
 
Location: In a state of denial
1,289 posts, read 2,727,806 times
Reputation: 942
Quote:
Originally Posted by VelcroQueen View Post

911


National Abuse Hotline
1.800.799.SAFE
TTY -- 1.800.787.3244


Specifically For Children
1.800.4.A.CHILD


Child Sexual Abuse
"Darkness to Light"
1.866.FOR.LIGHT


Sexual Assault (rape & incest)
1.800.656.HOPE
Also 1.888.PREVENT


Dating Violence
1.866.331.9474
TTY -- 1.866.331.8453


Elder Abuse
1.800.677.1116


Stalking
1.800.FYI.CALL





Just want you to know that I would never ever give someone my number. Thank you for bringing this up. I used this as an opportunity to put some numbers here for anyone in similar situations as well as for those who know about such situations.

Signs of an Abusive Personality | Stop Family Violence

Internet and Technology Safety | Stop Family Violence
Report
Internet Safety
WARNING - If you are currently being stalked or abused it may not be safe to view this website. Your abuser can track your online actions – there is nothing you can do to completely remove your tracks.

If you think you might be in danger we suggest that you use a computer at a public library.

If you need help now, call 911 or the
• US National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233
• US National Sexual Assault Hotline 1-800-656-4673
• US National Teen Dating Violence Helpline 1-866-331-9474
I can't "rep" you right now because I recently "repped" you, but this is invaluable to people who need it. Thank you for taking the time to post these numbers!
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Old 07-14-2012, 04:52 AM
 
Location: FL
1,727 posts, read 2,247,359 times
Reputation: 1047
Quote:
Originally Posted by VX5650 View Post
Some people actually enjoy being treated badly. It makes them feel alive. I'm not, however, saying that is the case in the OP's example. I've been pretty good at getting women to tell me their darkest fantasies[I guess it's the Scorpio in me ] and I have been shocked by what I have heard. The majority have involved having some pretty nasty things done to them. Now, it could be that I have only talked to mentally ill women but now we have these "50 Shades Of Grey" books and I've heard women going crazy over them. From what I understand these books are about some rich guy who treats a young girl as a submissive and makes her submit to his control.
I'm not advocating abuse in any way. I myself am coming out of an emotionally abusive relationship. I did not enjoy it. But I do believe that some do enjoy being mistreated. Or I should say that their definition of "mistreated" and society's definition of "mistreated" are two different things.
A couple important things you should keep in mind. Fantasy is far diffrent from reality. A person can fantasize about something and not know how something would turn out in practice.

Second, sub/dom relationships are not always abusive relationships. In theory these relationships are mutualy consentual and the dom knows where the sub draws the line and is respectful enough not to cross it.

My concern about these types of relatinships of course, is that they are easily confused with abusive relationships, and the people attempting to be involved in them may also confuse the difference.

I'm not in one of these relationships myself, but I've read up on it a bit. As I said, fantasy and reality are far different. One can fantasize about something and still know that in reality it wouldn't work for them. I think that's whats going on with that book. I haven't read it.
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