Alcohol --- how to beat it when it OWNS you (depressed, quit)

[deeptrance]

I'm never legally drunk. But I drink too much. I keep a very low, controlled buzz going most of the day and stop drinking around dinner time because of the way it interferes with sleep. I have serious physical issues (chronic pain and disability) and emotional issues (self-hate, anxiety, depression) so I'm obviously self-medicating with alcohol at the level of about 5 drinks a day, equivalent of a bottle of wine per day.

That might not sound like too much, but it's a very major issue for me. I take other medications that interact with the alcohol so it's as if I were drinking more. And I DEPEND on it. And it makes me feel like nothing matters so I'll just lie around watching TV or chatting on a web forum.... yeah, how many of you will cop to THAT being part of why you're here so much?

My question is this: Do I have to hit the wall? If I'm not willing to simply STOP on my own, don't want to go to AA meetings, and don't have the money for a high quality treatment program, what's going to happen? Will it simply be a matter of being smacked in the face with a crisis that forces me to deal with it? Or can someone provide me with inspiration that will make me WANT to stop drinking?

Thanks to anyone who responds sincerely to my very sincere questions. I'm being quite vulnerable and putting myself on the line here in a public forum, but I feel like it's worth it to expose myself because I know I'm not alone and perhaps others will be helped by this thread. Bless you all.

[I LOVE NORTH CAROLINA]

I am truly sorry to hear about your problem and the pain you are in. It's good that you realize you need help. I have never had an addiction problem but I have had problems in my life and for me the only answer was to turn to God. There was a time in life that I was so far away from God and the Christian upbring I had, but when I had something happen in my life the first thing I thought of was how I needed God so I turned back to Him. He comforts me and sustains me in trying times. The first thing I thought of was a Bible verse "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me". This what works for me. I am not religious, I hate that word. What I have is a personal relationship with God. Have you thought about reading a Bible? Going to church? I'm not trying to push my beliefs on you! I am just telling from my heart how I feel. I will pray for you.

[MoMark]

Firstly...You're a good guy. It comes through and it's clearly sincere. Secondly, I have no clue how to handle alcohol from an overuse perspective. I enjoy my vodka martinis here and there, but I can go months without them. I've called home before and my mom has answered the phone and I could hear ice tinkling in a glass...then I know she's got a gin martini in her hand. She switched to gin from vodka to make herself drink less... I don't know if it's working or not. I've noticed she seems to be drinking more when my dad is in one of his steep depressions. When he's behaving normally and is happier, she's cheerful and full of light. It's clearly a coping mechanism.
I wish one could snap one's fingers and get the self-hate issues vanished. I do understand how you can "feel" something and "intellectually" know it can't be true or valid. It may have to do with chemicals in the brain..I don't know. But one thing is for sure... You are not.... are not... alone in your struggle and far more evolved than those who ignore the obvious, which means you actually do like yourself. To find help, there must be someone on this board who has faced this issue and successfully dealt with it. I would think a church that seeks to help over proselytize would be good too. I don't know the answers, but I know they exist and are helping a lot of people.

[CabinFever]

We can all feed you as much inspiration as you want or need but bottom line you're the one that has to make the change.This is not a laughing matter by far means.With all the things you have mentioned,I wouldn't be surprised if suicide wasn't on that list of problems.I was once very depressed(mine was from not seeing my daughter) and had all the self-hate to go along with it.I never took anything for the depression but I did find comfort sometimes in the bottle.So,yes I know where you're coming from when you use the booze and medications to help you stop thinking about how miserable you are.If the internet and the forums help,then I say continue to use them as therapy.Depression is a very serious problem and it feeds on your mind and your soul.I hope some day you can find solitude and well being.There's an old song that the group The Oakridge Boys use to sing and it still runs through my mind from time to time,the verse to the song was"Life is what you make it,sometimes it's a living hell,if you want to find that promise land,you gotta dig a little deeper in the well".

[grammy164]

And bless you, deeptrance.
I'm not sure I understand why you don't want to go to AA meetings. My Dad became an alcoholic after my Mom passed away. When he finally realized he needed to stop drinking, AA meetings were his answer. He did all of this without we kids knowing. The people he met and talked to at those meetings were his support. I can also tell you it made a huge difference in his life. He had stopped being much of a Dad or Grandfather when he was drinking. Once the alcohol was gone it was like he finally really needed his family. It was a positive thing for all of us.

[CabinFever]

I agree with MoMark,there are people out there with chemical imbalances and there are medications to help.A guy I use to work for had depression and he took something for it(I can't recall the name).He was fine as long as he was on it,but one day he and I were sitting around his pool and his prescription had run out,he started wiggin out on me and it was pretty scary.You need to look into this.If you can buy medications to ease your physical pain you can also find it for your mind as well.

[plaidmom]

That's a pretty brave thing to admit on such a public forum.

I for one can completely relate to not wanting to go the AA route or "turn to God" path. Not-that-there's-anything-wrong-with-that, just not for me.

I think I also tend to have an addictive(obsessive-compulsive...I'm a "counter") personality. What works for me (YAMMV):

Copious amounts of physical exercise (good for endorphins).

Set plans and amounts for "imbibing" and consuming. I do this with food as well as drink. I believe in moderation. I think deprivation leads to binges. I have one day set aside to eat pizza and ice cream. I drink wine with dinner, but schedule at least two nights per week where I drink no alcohol at all.

Journaling. If I feel out of control I start writing. If you are not already a journal-keeper, I highly recommend Julia Cameron's "The Artist's Way". It's *the* unblockerizer for blocked creatives.

Hopefully, you'll find something that works for you.

[deeptrance]

So far, the responses from all of you have hit on all my issues, so between you I'm clearly revealed.

1. Feeling a bit spiritually bankrupt yet hungering yet skeptical and science-oriented (drawn to Buddhism and yoga more than beliefs and church)

2. Need family and close friends around me --- I've allowed myself to reach the mid-century mark in life without getting married or having children, and this is a huge factor because the sense that nobody really NEEDS me is horrible... the children of my friends have saved me at important moments. There's nothing quite like having a very smart, sensitive and eaves-dropping 11 year old girl say to you "Please don't ever try to kill yourself again" while you're innocently trying to read her a bedtime story. This just happened a couple months ago. Her angelic face was about a foot away from mine and her comment was a shock, it came out of the blue, and it's the most powerful reason I have to live now. Maybe if I could get her to look at me like that and say "please don't drink any more" or "please take better care of yourself..." She confessed she had listened in on a private phone chat I had with her mother when I attempted suicide a year ago. Incredible... I'm going to feel like family with this girl for the rest of my life, and I will live for her because she asked me to.

3. Brain chemistry and depression --- my life-long best friend is a psychiatrist and he strongly recommends going this route, but I've had negative reactions to every anti-depressant I've ever taken. It would help if I quit drinking, though, because all these medications are messed up by the presence of alcohol in the bloodstream.

I think that covers the main topics so far. Meaning of life (family and spirituality), chemical imbalances, finding the right balance of medications and practices to cope with the challenges of life while not abusing any of the above...

I knew there would be no magic answer to my questions, if there were then whoever patented the answer would be wealthier than Bill Gates. The amount of addiction in the developed nations is staggering. And many of our health problems, whether mental, emotional or physical, are manageable if we live in a healthy manner. But our culture doesn't support living healthy, it's constantly bombarding us with opportunities and temptations to be "independent, happy, rich" and so on. You can't buy what is most important in life, so we don't see many ads for it except from groups like the Latter Day Saints who sponsor those family-oriented ads. Most ads are all about being a rugged individual who owns a lot of flashy stuff and can attract lots of beautiful members of the opposite sex. That's not very productive, is it...

[SpeedyAZ]

I knew someone who went through this (except he was a drug user on top of it all). I went to his house once but nobody answered so I opened the door and saw him lying on the floor with a gun and a bottle of liquor. He was sobbing and looked like he hadn't shaved in a year. This is exactly what I did:

I pulled his head up and made him listen to me. I started cussing him out and calling him every name in the book. His sobbing went to crying and I kept going at it, he was going to hear every word I said. Finally he started fighting back and told me off, he then took a few punches at me (he was too drunk to focus though). He snapped out of his depression like that. He wanted to prove me wrong and today he is working a regular 9-5 job. He's also going to church and has found God. He did get professional help though, I made sure of that.

Deeptrance- It seems as if you need to go to church. Find God and trust me, it'll help.

If I'm not willing to simply STOP on my own, don't want to go to AA meetings, and don't have the money for a high quality treatment program, what's going to happen?

You know what's going to happen so don't ask us! I don't want to do this, I don't want to do that; BOO-HOO YOU NEED TO! Get some help, nobody can do it for you. We can give you all the advice in the world but unless your willing to help yourself, we are powerless. I'm sorry if this is coming off harsh but this is what is going to save you.

[SandyCo]

I'm a little late to this discussion, but here's my scoop, anyway:

You obviously don't drink to the point of total inebriation, because your posts are always well thought out and logically presented.

People with addictive personalities (and I am one, too; I just never turned to substance abuse, due to parents who had/have such issues) need to find healthy addictions. Become addicted to exercise. Or to getting involved with your community. Do something that gets you out of the house (and away from the temptation of alcohol) on a regular basis. You need to change your routine, and keep to your different schedule for at least three months. That's how healthy habits are built.

The drinking really is a habit, you know. A bad habit, yes, but still just a habit. If you can replace it with something that adds to your quality of life, or the quality of lives around you, that will make all the difference.

The best way to feel better about yourself is to help others, because then you will feel needed and important, and you'll have a reason to get up and go out into the world each day.

Also, I'm sure you're already aware that alcohol is a depressant! The last thing you need is a depressant. I also think there's a tendency of doctors these days to prescribe medication too quickly, although I don't know your exact history, so I don't want to make a blanket statement here.

I remember once that I complained to my doctor about insomnia. I was looking for sleeping pills, but instead he asked me how much exercise I got (none), how much caffeine and sugar I was ingesting (a lot), and he told me to go for a walk every evening, and cut down on the stimulants. I wasn't happy at the time, but he was a good doctor. He was very "old school"; in fact, he delivered me when I was born!

I have also dealt with depression and feelings of worthlessness. In my case, it stems from alcoholic parents, my mom was mentally ill (schizophrenia), and I basically raised myself. So you're not in this alone. We all wrestle with these feelings, and it's easy to fall into the alcohol/drugs/whatever trap.

Now, pull yourself out please! You really ARE worth it!