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Old 09-06-2012, 08:53 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jc76 View Post
I have been divorced for 3 years, around the time my mom died. I was 32. Now I'm getting older and not having any luck finding GOOD friend. I dont do bars, I go to AA where i meet some nice folks, but deep down there is an emptiness. I don't have much family. I'm pretty much alone. It's just now really starting to eat at me. I never had kids and now kinda wish i would have had at least one. Whos gonna get all my stuff when i die? lol.

I don't mean to waste space on a topic like this, just curious if anyone else has this problem and how you deal with it.

Have you considered adopting/fostering a child?
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Old 09-06-2012, 09:00 AM
 
9,932 posts, read 16,542,229 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ilene Wright View Post
I don't think loneliness can kill you all on it's own, but it sure can make you want to die. I suppose it could speed up the process because physically and mentally your health does decline more rapidly. Here in America it seems to be an epidemic, especially among the elderly and disabled. The world is not a kind place anymore, people keep their distance for fear of being hurt and being taken for everything their worth. It's happened to me so many times over the years, most recently had someone steal some of my checks and cash one of them for $350.00, which I didn't even have. The bank did an overdraft to cover it!! They got in big trouble for doing that and I was reimbursed but it was the last straw for me, I was so hurt and shocked....I cut every single person out of my life that was doing nothing but using me in one way or another and that left me all alone. I have one trustworthy friend left, but she lives in another state.

To the OP, I know how you feel, I really do. I've been through 2 divorces and my only child pretty much ignores me. If I had had a girl maybe things would be different, but trust me, having children is not the answer either. Besides, you're only 35 and you have plenty of time and youth left to start over. I remarried when I was 32 and started my own business when I was 42 so things can turn around. Both things ended in disaster of course, but the point is that there are ebbs and flows to life and sometimes the ebbs last for years and I'm feeling pretty hopeless and depressed right now BUT.....we both know that things can change overnight for better or for worse. I keep hanging on, going through the motions simply waiting for that change to happen. I may have to MAKE it happen, but right now I'm too far down in this muck to drag myself out.

The above posters suggestions all sound reasonable and I have thought of volunteering but my frame of mind is just not where it needs to be to be around people right now. So, I guess my only advice to you is to give
yourself the time you need to heal and then slowly reintroduce yourself into society.....baby steps. I think the only thing I could handle doing right now is working with animals because they won't hurt you and they are the only thing that bring me a little bit of comfort these days. It's hard to start over at my age, but removing these worthless people from my life has been a long time coming. I made bad choices and I will never settle for anything less than greatness from another human being again.

Be careful and selective, and remember that having just one trustworthy good friend is way better than having lots and lots of people around without your best interest at heart. It's chaotic and heartbreaking and disappointing to say the least when you need someone and they aren't there for you. It's difficult for me to find places to go to meet people because I live in the deep south and I hate rednecks, which is pretty much all there is around here. Either that or bible thumpers and I'm an atheist so I refuse to go to a church simply for the human contact/social club. They're all hypocrites anyway, makes me sick.

Yeah, this is hard and I'm struggling too but if I didn't hold onto some kind of hope that things will get better I would just off myself right now. It does a person good just to talk about it even if you're not in a place to "do" anything about it. Give yourself a break and more time, 3 years really isn't long enough to get over a divorce, it took me about 7 years to get past the 2nd one. That may seem unreasonable to some who jump right back into another marriage but how often do those things work out? Hardly ever. Better to take the time to heal and be sure of what you want next time around. You might find that you're more than ok with NOT being married, it's quite liberating but it does leave you out of the loop as far as doing "couple" things. Now I will go to a movie or eat dinner out by myself, whereas I would have never done that before. Just be comfortable where you're at right now, and wait.

the following advice might be impractical, but, have you considered moving? Of course, one can't simply pack up and move, I realize there's practicalities involved, etc. But perhaps a new environment? You don't fit in with the Bible Belt (I don't, either), you might set your sights on another area, another culture. From what I understand, you're not tied to family, kids, etc. Its not an impossible dream. Gives you something to focus on, at least. Good luck, I know, I've been in your shoes
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Old 09-06-2012, 02:37 PM
 
Location: North Texas
24,577 posts, read 34,233,458 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ilene Wright View Post
Then I don't know what to say to you, if you're not willing to take risks and do something about your situation then yeah, things will stay the same.


Insulting. I said I already tried those things. Risk already taken. Result: Nothing.

Quote:
And as far as being "put" here, we weren't.
Yeah, we pretty much were. Who of us asked to be born? Next.

Quote:
Life is a crap shoot and yes some of us are handed raw deals but this is the only life we get, there is no grand afterlife and there is no god who "put" you here and is punishing you. This is it. I get that you're depressed and mad at the world and if you're perfectly fine being all alone and miserable then ok, but I plan to try and change things for myself. YOU have to do it, it's not going to fall in your lap. I have been dumped on and treated horribly in so many unimaginable ways but I know that somewhere out there are still good people who care. I was always looking in the wrong places so I take some responsibility for it, except for the family members that hurt me, that's on them. Don't give up.
How can I even consider giving up with such positive, supportive, non-judgmental advice like this?
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Old 09-06-2012, 02:48 PM
 
Location: SC Foothills
8,831 posts, read 10,238,278 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BigDGeek View Post


Insulting. I said I already tried those things. Risk already taken. Result: Nothing.



Yeah, we pretty much were. Who of us asked to be born? Next.



How can I even consider giving up with such positive, supportive, non-judgmental advice like this?
Look, if you want to wallow in self-pity and continue on with the "woe is me" attitude then so be it. I was just trying to help but you don't want help. I got my own problems to deal with. You and Doll Eyes should get together.
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Old 09-06-2012, 02:58 PM
 
Location: North Texas
24,577 posts, read 34,233,458 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ilene Wright View Post
Look, if you want to wallow in self-pity and continue on with the "woe is me" attitude then so be it. I was just trying to help but you don't want help. I got my own problems to deal with. You and Doll Eyes should get together.
Then by all means feel free to refrain from giving me advice, if the sort of advice you will give in future is of the same quality as what you've already contributed in response to my posts.
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Old 09-06-2012, 03:31 PM
 
Location: SC Foothills
8,831 posts, read 10,238,278 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MaryleeII View Post
the following advice might be impractical, but, have you considered moving? Of course, one can't simply pack up and move, I realize there's practicalities involved, etc. But perhaps a new environment? You don't fit in with the Bible Belt (I don't, either), you might set your sights on another area, another culture. From what I understand, you're not tied to family, kids, etc. Its not an impossible dream. Gives you something to focus on, at least. Good luck, I know, I've been in your shoes
Yeah I have, and I would love to do that but there is something holding me here and it's my Mother. The amount of guilt and pressure she puts on me is enormous, although in a very subtle way. She's very dependent on me in more of a "I'm all she's got" kind of way, and she really is a good Mother so there comes the guilt. I do have a son that lives here too, but I don't think he would care too much if I moved away. Now I'm stuck with this house payment and very little chance of selling it and getting enough money to pay it off....it's a trailer so it's already depreciated in value. I'm on disability so I would have to live in based-on-income housing wherever I go, and I just don't want to do that.

I did consider buying an RV type vehicle before I got this place, so I could live in it and move around whenever I wanted to and still keep my pets but as a single woman totally dependent on a vehicle that could break down at the most inopportune moments, I decided against that. It's a financial issue, as well as the family thing. I'm very poor, basically and dependent on my Mother to help me pay my bills because my check doesn't cover everything. I REALLY hate that, but I'm afraid I am stuck here in la-la land until my Mother passes, and she's only 72 and in good health so.....could be another 20 years. Right now she is completely occupied as sole caretaker of my stepfather, but when he goes....good lord I'm in trouble!

If money was no object I probably would have left a long time ago, regardless of my Mother. My son wouldn't have had any choice but to come with me and my Mother would have eventually learned not to be so dependent on me. Of course, I've fantasized about just packing up and disappearing many times but where would I go? So, I'm stuck. I am going to try to make the best of it but you're right, a move out of the bible belt would probably be very liberating and open up a ton of doors and opportunities I never even knew existed. Thanks for the suggestion, and I REALLY wish I could do it.
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Old 09-06-2012, 03:50 PM
 
9,932 posts, read 16,542,229 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ilene Wright View Post
Yeah I have, and I would love to do that but there is something holding me here and it's my Mother. The amount of guilt and pressure she puts on me is enormous, although in a very subtle way. She's very dependent on me in more of a "I'm all she's got" kind of way, and she really is a good Mother so there comes the guilt. I do have a son that lives here too, but I don't think he would care too much if I moved away. Now I'm stuck with this house payment and very little chance of selling it and getting enough money to pay it off....it's a trailer so it's already depreciated in value. I'm on disability so I would have to live in based-on-income housing wherever I go, and I just don't want to do that.

I did consider buying an RV type vehicle before I got this place, so I could live in it and move around whenever I wanted to and still keep my pets but as a single woman totally dependent on a vehicle that could break down at the most inopportune moments, I decided against that. It's a financial issue, as well as the family thing. I'm very poor, basically and dependent on my Mother to help me pay my bills because my check doesn't cover everything. I REALLY hate that, but I'm afraid I am stuck here in la-la land until my Mother passes, and she's only 72 and in good health so.....could be another 20 years. Right now she is completely occupied as sole caretaker of my stepfather, but when he goes....good lord I'm in trouble!

If money was no object I probably would have left a long time ago, regardless of my Mother. My son wouldn't have had any choice but to come with me and my Mother would have eventually learned not to be so dependent on me. Of course, I've fantasized about just packing up and disappearing many times but where would I go? So, I'm stuck. I am going to try to make the best of it but you're right, a move out of the bible belt would probably be very liberating and open up a ton of doors and opportunities I never even knew existed. Thanks for the suggestion, and I REALLY wish I could do it.
Sorry, I didn't get your age and financial situation. Life does limit some of our options. However, do keep trying to Be Happy! My situation didn't compare at all to yours. I was younger, a different time and place. But the whole point is, keep yourself open to new possibilities. If your mind isn't open to receiving them, you won't recognize/respond when they turn up.

Like my mother used to say, you never know what is around that corner, but you have to turn the corner to find it! Take care!
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Old 09-06-2012, 08:26 PM
 
Location: SC Foothills
8,831 posts, read 10,238,278 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MaryleeII View Post
Sorry, I didn't get your age and financial situation. Life does limit some of our options. However, do keep trying to Be Happy! My situation didn't compare at all to yours. I was younger, a different time and place. But the whole point is, keep yourself open to new possibilities. If your mind isn't open to receiving them, you won't recognize/respond when they turn up.

Like my mother used to say, you never know what is around that corner, but you have to turn the corner to find it! Take care!
Yeah by the time I'm able to leave, I'll be 70 myself so what's the point then. I will be turning that corner, in spite of the fears, phobias, mental state and financial woes.
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Old 09-06-2012, 11:38 PM
 
13,965 posts, read 26,537,468 times
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Originally Posted by jazzcat22 View Post
And I agree that children aren't necessarily the answer to fulfilling social/friendship needs...
Quite the contrary, in my childfree life!
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Old 09-08-2012, 09:30 AM
Status: "Disoriented" (set 15 days ago)
 
Location: Coastal New Jersey
60,977 posts, read 58,222,584 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jazzcat22 View Post
Can you share what the activity is?

And I agree that children aren't necessarily the answer to fulfilling social/friendship needs...
They aren't. I am long divorced and have one child who is now 21 and in her senior year of college. The POINT of raising children is to bring them into an adulthood where they can be responsible for themselves and leave you. Then you have to move on to the next phase of your life.

For parents, especially moms, that does mean that an adjustment had to be made (and the adjustment is still going on.) It was a little more difficult for me because as soon as she graduated from high school, it became necessary for me to move sixty miles away because of financial reasons. She temporarily lived with her father until she went to college, and I had to adjust to living someplace where I knew one person previously (and that person has kids and a life of her own) and no one else, and I work 90-minutes away so there were no work-related social opportunities, either.

I found a writer's group, which is an activity I enjoy. Still, I don't have anyone around that I can call up and say hey let's go get a drink or see a movie or something.

There are so many people who are alone now.
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