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Old 08-22-2012, 09:33 AM
 
Location: United States
2,497 posts, read 6,520,848 times
Reputation: 2240

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I have been divorced for 3 years, around the time my mom died. I was 32. Now I'm getting older and not having any luck finding GOOD friend. I dont do bars, I go to AA where i meet some nice folks, but deep down there is an emptiness. I don't have much family. I'm pretty much alone. It's just now really starting to eat at me. I never had kids and now kinda wish i would have had at least one. Whos gonna get all my stuff when i die? lol.

I don't mean to waste space on a topic like this, just curious if anyone else has this problem and how you deal with it.
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Old 08-22-2012, 10:24 AM
 
4,762 posts, read 11,671,942 times
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You have recognized the problem - finding friends. So just switch that around and spend all your free time on finding a solution.

So the question is how and where can you find friends?

That leads to where do people get together and meet?

Now we can come up with a list...

Volunteer groups.
Hiking groups.
Pet/animal groups.
Game playing groups.
Museum or historical groups.
City/County/Government committees or boards which are composed of citizen volunteers.
Church groups.
Clubs.
Etc.

There are all sorts of different things for which people get together and meet.

It is election time. You could volunteer to work in a campaign office - tons of people there!

Anyway write down ALL of your interests. ANYTHING you might be interested in. Then search for and find groups or organizations in your area for those which have meetings or need volunteers. Go to all those meetings.

In my area there are museums which are staffed by volunteers. They give tours or help.

The U.S. Forest Service (Under USDA in phone book) has group hikes - just sign up.

Habitat for Humanity helps build homes for people - all volunteers. Many tasks involved with this including paperwork or working at a store - opportunity to meet a lot of people.

There are volunteer staffed pet shelters - work with pets and meet other people.

The city, county, and state have citizen committees on every topic you can imagine - they want citizen input from these committees. Call and ask if they have any volunteer openings.

So far as kids, some people have kids and have trouble finding someone who wants to have a relationship with them. Might post an ad on craigslist.org in the personals section. Say you like kids and say what things you like to do.

Perhaps you could become a foster parent? There are a lot of rotten parents out there and the state has removed the kids from their homes. Might want to call around various state agencies and find out which agency removes kids from homes. (Different states will have different names for these departments.) Find out if there are volunteer opportunities? Being a foster parent? Etc. Be aware many of these kids have emotional problems.

I know a lady who was not married and became a foster parent of a kid. She later adopted him. And he is now in her will.
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Old 08-22-2012, 10:48 AM
 
Location: Mid-Atlantic east coast
5,518 posts, read 10,214,821 times
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Sounds as though Billy_J is your friend--he gave you some GREAT advice...now it's up to you to take the first step!
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Old 08-22-2012, 12:32 PM
 
Location: SC Foothills
8,831 posts, read 10,238,278 times
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I don't think loneliness can kill you all on it's own, but it sure can make you want to die. I suppose it could speed up the process because physically and mentally your health does decline more rapidly. Here in America it seems to be an epidemic, especially among the elderly and disabled. The world is not a kind place anymore, people keep their distance for fear of being hurt and being taken for everything their worth. It's happened to me so many times over the years, most recently had someone steal some of my checks and cash one of them for $350.00, which I didn't even have. The bank did an overdraft to cover it!! They got in big trouble for doing that and I was reimbursed but it was the last straw for me, I was so hurt and shocked....I cut every single person out of my life that was doing nothing but using me in one way or another and that left me all alone. I have one trustworthy friend left, but she lives in another state.

To the OP, I know how you feel, I really do. I've been through 2 divorces and my only child pretty much ignores me. If I had had a girl maybe things would be different, but trust me, having children is not the answer either. Besides, you're only 35 and you have plenty of time and youth left to start over. I remarried when I was 32 and started my own business when I was 42 so things can turn around. Both things ended in disaster of course, but the point is that there are ebbs and flows to life and sometimes the ebbs last for years and I'm feeling pretty hopeless and depressed right now BUT.....we both know that things can change overnight for better or for worse. I keep hanging on, going through the motions simply waiting for that change to happen. I may have to MAKE it happen, but right now I'm too far down in this muck to drag myself out.

The above posters suggestions all sound reasonable and I have thought of volunteering but my frame of mind is just not where it needs to be to be around people right now. So, I guess my only advice to you is to give yourself the time you need to heal and then slowly reintroduce yourself into society.....baby steps. I think the only thing I could handle doing right now is working with animals because they won't hurt you and they are the only thing that bring me a little bit of comfort these days. It's hard to start over at my age, but removing these worthless people from my life has been a long time coming. I made bad choices and I will never settle for anything less than greatness from another human being again.

Be careful and selective, and remember that having just one trustworthy good friend is way better than having lots and lots of people around without your best interest at heart. It's chaotic and heartbreaking and disappointing to say the least when you need someone and they aren't there for you. It's difficult for me to find places to go to meet people because I live in the deep south and I hate rednecks, which is pretty much all there is around here. Either that or bible thumpers and I'm an atheist so I refuse to go to a church simply for the human contact/social club. They're all hypocrites anyway, makes me sick.

Yeah, this is hard and I'm struggling too but if I didn't hold onto some kind of hope that things will get better I would just off myself right now. It does a person good just to talk about it even if you're not in a place to "do" anything about it. Give yourself a break and more time, 3 years really isn't long enough to get over a divorce, it took me about 7 years to get past the 2nd one. That may seem unreasonable to some who jump right back into another marriage but how often do those things work out? Hardly ever. Better to take the time to heal and be sure of what you want next time around. You might find that you're more than ok with NOT being married, it's quite liberating but it does leave you out of the loop as far as doing "couple" things. Now I will go to a movie or eat dinner out by myself, whereas I would have never done that before. Just be comfortable where you're at right now, and wait.
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Old 08-22-2012, 06:02 PM
 
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Listen ice never been married but my last girlfriend was basically my wife and definitely my best friend she was my everything i gave up everybody for her and she did the same for me we loved each other till death supposedly lol after i got in trouble with the law she was still right by my side but her family started getting to her basically making her choose between me or them and over time we fell apart but she still loves me like no other and i feel the same what in trying to say is that no matter what you still have yourself and you should never stop striving to make your life better i am only 23 i thought my life was over when my best friend Jose Penapassed away then i lost my girlfriend who also i considered to be my everything now all i do is celebrate his new life and worry about me yea i get lonely sometimes but who don't its a part of life. Pick up a hobby. I started a new job making really good money ,stacking up and hopes of going back to school to b a barber ..so never give up on yourself cuz as long as you can breath you can make a change ....keep your heads up people
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Old 08-23-2012, 08:06 AM
Status: "Disoriented" (set 15 days ago)
 
Location: Coastal New Jersey
60,977 posts, read 58,222,584 times
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Also try Meetup.com. It has groups for just about anything you can think of.

I moved to a place where I hardly knew anyone, and on the advice of my niece, who found hiking groups that way, I looked and found a writers group. While I wouldn't classify the people I met there as "friends", it gives me a place to go and talk with others with the same interests.

Loneliness is difficult. I have gone to the library or coffee shops just to sit and be amongst real live people, even though they weren't talking to me or anything. Just to be around other humans.
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Old 08-23-2012, 05:23 PM
 
826 posts, read 1,682,729 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jc76 View Post
I have been divorced for 3 years, around the time my mom died. I was 32. Now I'm getting older and not having any luck finding GOOD friend. I dont do bars, I go to AA where i meet some nice folks, but deep down there is an emptiness. I don't have much family. I'm pretty much alone. It's just now really starting to eat at me. I never had kids and now kinda wish i would have had at least one. Whos gonna get all my stuff when i die? lol.

I don't mean to waste space on a topic like this, just curious if anyone else has this problem and how you deal with it.
I don't think loneliness can kill you, but it can sure make you feel like you are losing your mind.
It also makes you crave human companionship to an extent where you could become more accepting of things and people that if you had a stronger support system around you, you'd never accept.
I just moved to a new place myself and I don't know a soul. I moved here because I lived in a wack-ass place in the midwest where my social life was zero and I thought that by moving here, it'd be better.
My new state has a lot of potential, but ofcourse, you have to take steps to get to know people.

What I am trying to do is make myself attend meetup events. Meetup is a mixed bag and there's no guarantee that you'd make connections, but at least it's something to do. I am also on match.

I am not a bar-person myself, but I've found that most social events on meetup center around a restaurant/bar so I've learnt to just go with it.

I have also found that being open with people about your desires helps. I told a coworker that I'm into exploring new places and she has twice taken me to new spots with her. Sometimes being honest and open about your situation, makes people want to help you
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Old 08-25-2012, 07:45 AM
 
Location: United States
2,497 posts, read 6,520,848 times
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Thanks Billy and everyone else

Yeah AA and hanging out at the library does help to lonliness. I have placed ads in the "Strictly Platonic" section on Craigslist, nothing so far. The region of the country I now live in is also some of the problem, no art museums and McDonalds is about as fancy as it gets lol. Lived in San Luis Obispo CA for 4 months last year, made a nice network of friends then lost my job. It was go homeless or go back to midwest. No I'm thinking I may have been better off out there n homeless than in this boring little town. Lol.

I'll figure things out. Thanks to you all for your suggestions
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Old 08-25-2012, 04:58 PM
 
7,349 posts, read 8,326,580 times
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unfortunatley no
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Old 08-27-2012, 05:02 AM
 
5,239 posts, read 6,964,997 times
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Hey JC76, they do say that chronic loneliness can have effects on ones health. I read an article about a couple years ago, I will add it below. I'm not posting this to worry anyone, its probably stuff you all have thought of before, I have. I make sure I take herbs and vitamins because I know I don't eat right with this depression, anxiety and loneliness. I would encourage you to do that as was well.

Bill listed many of the things I was gonna mention. I think probably volunteering at an animal shelter ya get the most back, because the animals love attention and you feel their love immediately. They say just sitting and petting a cat lowers ones blood pressure. They aren't much good at conversation, but can make one feel less alone. You can find a forum for about every hobby or interest there is. From that you might meet some local people.

I always have found it interesting to talk to people from other countries. Most are interested in the USA, some like practicing their English too. There are a few penpal sites, some even prefer sending letters the old fashioned way just for fun. You might find that fun as well.

Its hard to find a good friend, always has been really. Seems like when we need a friend most, there is no one. You might try a forum for recently divorced people too. I've read that it takes men longer to bounce back from a divorce than women. But I'm sure that depends on who is leaving who and the individuals involved. I know I didnt heal quickly at all. The best thing is developing a good present life, but as we both know, that can be very hard to do. Three years isn't really that long, I know it seems like it, but don't obsess on how long its been and put yourself down for not doing better. Don't isolate yourself, try a few of the things people have suggested here. Isolation, well it can turn out that way sometimes by accident, no friends or family, whats a guy with depression gonna do. Ya don't exactly feel like a party animal, ya know. Good luck, you keep trying!

Loneliness May Lead to Serious Illness, including Cancer: Scientific American
InterPals Penpals :: Make friends online and find free pen pals from around the world!
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