U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Covid-19 Information Page
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Health and Wellness > Mental Health
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 02-04-2018, 08:46 AM
 
Location: Florida
12,146 posts, read 5,738,428 times
Reputation: 25096

Advertisements

DeCastro - I feel the same way. I was widowed in 2010 and recently purchased a single family house that belonged to my deceased aunt. Most of my family live 30-45 minutes away except for my mother and my youngest son who has his own life.


I realized last Tuesday when I went to work that I had not spoken to a living soul since the previous Friday except for my dog & cat. In a way I feel very lonely but I also don't want to get too involved with other people. I made that mistake at the last place I lived and this extrovert attached herself to me like a barnacle. I finally had to explain to her that extroverts get their fuel from being around other people, where introverts like myself need to recharge after being around other people. Even when my mother or kids visit I can only tolerate them for so long before I want them to go home. I never used to be like this so I wonder if part of it is depression.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 02-05-2018, 04:05 PM
 
2,014 posts, read 2,844,358 times
Reputation: 3647
Quote:
Originally Posted by sciroccot View Post
The need to to get away from others should indeed be only temporary. As we can never find true peace by avoiding the world.

Besides, when we turn our back to walk away from the world, we are at our most vulnerable. So many bad, albeit avoidable, situations occur when our backs are exposed to others around us. In very real terms, we have a target on our backs from then on in. We can never ignore the primal need of human beings to capitalize on an other's perceived weakness or injury for their own gain.


Wow, even I'm not as cynical as you.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-05-2018, 04:18 PM
 
2,014 posts, read 2,844,358 times
Reputation: 3647
Quote:
Originally Posted by nightbird47 View Post
This assumes the person is actually interested in being absorbed into the society. There are many who physically live in a society, but deep down don't belong, and have no problem with that. Sometimes they get called loners. And loners tend to be viewed with suspicion by joiners.

But loners don't generally make a fuss of it, and if they're pushed off into a corner its not a bad thing because they get left alone. Its the people who insist we all must somehow psychically 'merge' into this big 'one'.

We are all unique and even as multiples who choose something to gather about, and to belong to, within that subspace each is still unique and even more likely to cherish what is unique.

If you claim something as 'normal' and 'accepted' and try to squish others who the space who don't fit, you make it an issue if you 'belong' where done right its simply an individual choice helping define who you are, that sets you aside from the person next to you.
I think I didn't make myself clear and/or that you didn't understand me (because you didn't read my initial post). I don't like living in a major city, and I prefer being alone, but I've never had the experience, in society, like Crazy Cat Lady, of depression, loneliness, inferiority and envy. I don't like society because it is so loud, so rushed and so superficial.

Why would she feel inferior?? What is there to envy?? She doesn't sound like she loves being alone. It sounds to me like she wants to be alone because she can't handle her feelings, her life as it currently is and her desperate need for her life to be different (some respect from others, more money, higher social class, and a real friend).

I just got through talking with a world-famous nonfiction writer. He lives in Manhattan and is rich. Not to mention famous. I didn't feel interior to him or envious of him. And as we talked -- over a period of weeks -- I also realized that he's a real narcissist. Not much to feel interior to and/or to envy.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-05-2018, 04:29 PM
 
6,618 posts, read 2,736,206 times
Reputation: 7032
Quote:
Originally Posted by Trewq View Post
I live in a large city and have always struggled with needing to be outdoors in some capacity, but away from other pelple. This has got much more severe with age and I have become more antisocial and withdrawn than ever before.

Not only do I fear people, but they also irritate me. I would love to be able to go to a park or area of wilderness and just be truly alone. I find that socializing wears me out, in the same way that being at work wears me out. I am generally miserable and feel alone and inadequate when among others, but I am fine in my own world and alone. The feelings range from mild to moderate anxiety to feeling suffocated at times.

Does anyone else feel the same way? I am thinking about relocating somewhere that I can be far away from others. Just not sure how to make that work yet.
Well family and a few close friends aside I feel you deeply. Sometimes I get an urge to be far away from any living soul and that means everybody. Why? I'm not sure, freedom from lifes daily burdens? Peace and quiet is part of it, solitude. I would and will always wander back after a short time.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-05-2018, 07:42 PM
 
Location: Cushing OK
14,545 posts, read 18,207,281 times
Reputation: 16829
Quote:
Originally Posted by DeCastro View Post
I get what the OP is saying. I have lost a lot of friends over the past few years and have had barely any luck making new ones. The more time I spend alone, the more I enjoy it. Somedays I really want to cry myself to sleep because I fear one day dying a lonely old man. A part of me wants to be loner, but a huge part of me craves relationships. This constantly makes me depressed and I don't know what to do.
This describes so well how I've come to see things, but for me, I have my house which is all mine, and lots of projects and my pets. I have plenty to do. I've *always* been one of those who keep others at arm's length unless there is that special connection. Then, if it is good, the friendship is deep. I tend to have people who are deep and the ones you say hi to and get away.

But I've been a solo person for a long time, and even as a kid, I was very close to my few close friends, but didn't connect with the mass of them. Mom wasn't worried about me either, as she was much like me. I'm sure I got much of me from her.

I feel rather peaceful now, just turned 65. I have a small house, and my four legged kids. I'm not lonely and keep in touch with my short list of old friends on one of my phones. I finally upgraded the older cells to new ones as they were both near death. One has to be the number all the bills have, and all are on autopay just in case.

I know some would say I'm over isolated. Lacking transportation elsewhere, I'm pretty calm about it. I have plenty of great interest to do. I like not having to put up with people all the time. Right now, as I don't take flu shots as with auto immune issues they either are duds or I get really sick, so I'm in a deeper retreat. But when I moved away from socal, where I'd lived all my life, and could be me since nobody knew me, I've been very happy. I had a very severe illness just at the end of high school, and its left its marks still, and things which are supposed to work, be it a pill, a shot, or some treatment, no way to tell if its going to be a big mistake. If I can keep away from such things, all the better.

I would like a friend who could share what I like, even one online, maybe with fanfic. Where I live I'm odd man out, so am nice to them and they are nice to me, but no real friends who share my deeper interests. I've resisted facebook, but may try it.

If your one of those who doesn't know many people but really *needs* them even if they aren't good friends, I say go looking. Go to things which you like so you have a greater chance of sharing deeper things. Let more of you out when you feel comfortable. Even if its not as much a need, if someone just really clicks, give them a chance.

If the people near are just not you, keep looking. Chances are out there is someone who's hiding and not advertising themselves at all, and even if you have a LONG acquaitance before its more, its good to find.

But don't 'change' because some person who isn't you believes you must, because you'll never really care if it works since you did not chose to.

My friends since moving were made online, and since we both went to a convention we met personally. Gotta figure out how to go to more. But I'm not out there desperately looking for a friend because sometimes they aren't who you've decided they are. If its meant to be, then it won't be hard to tell.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-05-2018, 08:07 PM
 
Location: Cushing OK
14,545 posts, read 18,207,281 times
Reputation: 16829
Quote:
Originally Posted by Fran66 View Post
I think I didn't make myself clear and/or that you didn't understand me (because you didn't read my initial post). I don't like living in a major city, and I prefer being alone, but I've never had the experience, in society, like Crazy Cat Lady, of depression, loneliness, inferiority and envy. I don't like society because it is so loud, so rushed and so superficial.

Why would she feel inferior?? What is there to envy?? She doesn't sound like she loves being alone. It sounds to me like she wants to be alone because she can't handle her feelings, her life as it currently is and her desperate need for her life to be different (some respect from others, more money, higher social class, and a real friend).

I just got through talking with a world-famous nonfiction writer. He lives in Manhattan and is rich. Not to mention famous. I didn't feel interior to him or envious of him. And as we talked -- over a period of weeks -- I also realized that he's a real narcissist. Not much to feel interior to and/or to envy.
I've been in situatuations where I really really needed to get out of dodge. After I lost my house (ex had failed to pay the house payment, but never bothered to mention it, and turns out our business made much less than he said. So I lost the house, much valued stuff and one dog. I've come to know that my spot IS out there, and finally found it. People I know 'worry' since I live alone if you only count humans, and are sure there is something 'bad about it', but I am perfectly happy with the arraingement, and do the stuff you're supposed to. I pay my bills. I have money for food for the family, 2 and 4 legs. I get up when I want and go to bed when I want and my real friends understand. So I figure I'm doing fine. And while I don't go into detail, as I get older, my son is planning I move in with them. He's working full time and going to school nights (though at home) so now isn't the time. I'm not sure when he sleeps.

But I am even more sure that what I need is space which is mine, (this moving into would be a mother in law suite with its own door out, or seperate, so when I want to be alone I can be), and when the current situation needs to change, or I luck out and it does, I will deal with my needs *then*. For now, quiet evenings with my furry kids are perfect. And I do not want to be in the company of other humans who are sure I 'need' more.

I have a cat parked out on my shoulders and I get that its time for food, so time to feed the family. Life is what you choose to make of it and I figure if you find something which makes you comfortable and is affordable and meets your needs, you are actually very lucky.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-06-2018, 08:52 AM
 
Location: East Midlands, UK
855 posts, read 332,082 times
Reputation: 1840
Quote:
Originally Posted by Fran66 View Post
I think -- I may be wrong -- that being around people triggers your real need for others. The real test is to be in society and around people and NOT have them fuel feelings of depression, etc.
Spot on

I am very much triggered by being around others. It's like an envy. Being made to watch others have fun and live the life you can't live
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-06-2018, 09:31 AM
 
Location: colorado springs, CO
6,308 posts, read 2,856,270 times
Reputation: 19766
I'm a diagnosed ASD & I'm pretty in tune with my limits & have had a lifetime to learn how to cope with overwhelming situations & people but I do still struggle with loneliness.

An additional factor is that I am raising/primary caregiver for a 14-year-old son who is profoundly ASD. So; I'm mitigating his sensory overload while mitigating my own, while at the same time having to work with him on being in society & intentionally exposing him to some of his triggers (that I share) ... and that's hard.

The majority of my immediate & extended family members are introverted, academic, sciencey & intellectual types so I sort of fit right in. I have well developed social skills but I didn't realize until I was an adult; how hard it really is to maintain a friendship with me. Anyone who has ever called me a friend put in the lion's share for that to be the case, I'm certain.

I live in an area that I feel is therapeutic for those "like me" & if it wasn't for the surroundings, I know many people that would go nuts if they couldn't just slip away. Despite this being a city of half a million, we are right on the front range of the Rocky Mountains at the base of a Fourteen-er (Pikes Peak). It takes very little time to find yourself in the middle of nowhere.

I had a friend who was a veteran (special forces), who would just ... "poof" into thin air, several times a year when humanity would become overwhelming. He took his dog. And one backpack. Winter or summer, didn't matter & he'd just ... leave. Sometimes for a week. Sometimes for a month. Nobody ever knew when the door would open & he'd walk in with a smile on his face ... "Oh; I was just up in the hills" ... he'd say.

I'm convinced it's not all me. I don't think individuals who are introverts are "weird", I actually think that it is an ability that was needed for humans to be able to explore, pioneer & settle the world. It's our surroundings that are out of sync; not us.

Today, communication is God. It's looked at as though there is "no excuse" for us to be even temporarily unavailable. Even at the workplace, you can't just focus on your work; you must be a "team player". Nobody just decides anything; it's always a group consensus. It used to be considered rude to interrupt; now it's essential, even welcomed.

We are supposed to fill the role of the targeted consumer & immediate convenience should be our priority: Next-day. Same-day. Priority. While-you-wait. while-you-shop or front-door service. A "pill-for-every-ill", quick-fix health care.

College students behave like hyperactive 2nd graders. Adults jump from scenario to scenario looking for "what's in it for me" with zero patience.

Yet I'm the one who is considered "Developmentally Disabled"? Maybe introverts just have better defense mechanisms towards a flawed social structure.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-06-2018, 05:56 PM
 
Location: Cushing OK
14,545 posts, read 18,207,281 times
Reputation: 16829
Quote:
Originally Posted by Crazy-Cat-Lady View Post
Spot on

I am very much triggered by being around others. It's like an envy. Being made to watch others have fun and live the life you can't live
I'm very much someone who doesn't choose to be 'normal'. And the people I call friends, even if I haven't seen them for a while, but feel quite secure in my nature that I don't envy the 'normal' types at all. Just as long as its not suggested in cloaked words that I am somehow 'wrong' in how I see the world. That would be disrespect, and it is what builds walls. And I find when I accept that there is no need for me to change and become them, or the opposite, since its a question ONLY we can answer for ourselves, which applies to both.

In 'normal' life I always feel a little off to the side, but in 'special' places, like science fiction fandom, especially, where the 'edge' is the norm, I feel as if I've come home. I don't have to go to cons every time there is one to know that this if my own little corner I share with others like me. But they are truely like coming home.

Nor would I send away someone who was curious but with respect, as in, its not for me but its clear its good for the others I met. And those who see there are things they are passionate for too, even if society is likely to 'accept' theirs more than yours. And I love the joy in people's eyes when they have found something which is interwoven in them and in its understanding they know home too.

I tried hard to fit in once, and finally stopped trying, but felt a drift. In just being myself, whoever it is, I've found a good foundation and feel nothing but joy for anyone who finds others of their special nature too. So don't envy them. Celebrate them, and look inside and accept who you are, and find the joys of who you are inside.

We are all different people, some closer to others than most but at the base are individuals. And even if you are a loner, there are people who connect, and share, and when you become secure in yourself you'll find each other. The strongest relationships I've had are with fellow 'loner's' who didn't need an explanation and shared the nature. But they are not exclusive, and some are friends who shared the 'content' of an interest, but respected the differences too, and knew when to just nod and go on to some other topic. Agreeing to disagree is also a skill which can say volumes.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-09-2018, 01:43 AM
 
Location: Middle of the Megalopolis
477 posts, read 558,917 times
Reputation: 475
I find it interesting how this thread has taken on a second life -- and can't help wonder if the OP is still "in the house," now five years on.
Myself am a loner, too, a life-long Social Phobe, now starting my 6th decade. Never had an intimate relationship, live alone in the biggest of cities. My social contact is 99% thru my job. At the end of the last working day of the week, to the start of the next working week, I might not utter a single syllable to a single soul. Except maybe "thanks" to the grocery store clerk, who, in these parts, will never ever say "thank you" or "your welcome," back.
My release is long walks. On weekends, if the weather isn't totally bad, I'll just head straight out and keep walking, headphones and MP3 at the ready. I'll likely be walking for 8 hours or more straight. I've done 35 miles in a day, 76,000 steps on my pedometer. Not bad for a heavy-set 60 year-old. Sometimes I head to see things, parks, towns, whatnot. Camera in pocket if needed. And I have to say, in a metro region of 18 million or so, how it's interesting that you walk some to nearby places and never see another soul -- on foot, that is.
It's just the deck of cards I've gotten. But I've gotten thru worse things like serious depression, delusions, a couple of break-down hospitalizations. Being alone is no picnic, but it's better than being alone, PLUS having those additional burdens.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:


Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Health and Wellness > Mental Health
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2020, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top