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Old 09-05-2012, 04:28 PM
 
Location: Cushing OK
14,545 posts, read 18,213,296 times
Reputation: 16829

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I try not to feel this way, as life is as its been and there are no do overs, but now and then I get mad.

I am disabled officially due to bp2. Where I am now its far less a problem than when I was with loser number two and then constantly surrounded by reminders after. I'm not on meds as they don't help and with other medical concerns take nothing I can't avoid. But I feel sometimes that I've been shortchanged this life. (I believe in reincarnation, and that sometimes a life has a purpose, and this one *has* met it, but still feel as the me of this life, I got the short end of the stick...)

I always wanted to take history classes and be a teacher. Other things came and went but that never did. But right out of highschool I got very sick with an auto immune disease complicated by a bad doctor. I didn't get my AA until ten years later and concluded that there were no jobs for history teachers and I couldn't take the time then, and tried business classes. I discovered computers. I worked for a year as a programmer, and the recession in the 80's hit. Despite good references and having been allowed to design a small system and write most of the programs as a trainee, I didn't have the years... and was 'too overqualified' for most jobs and didn't know the officy stuff.

I ended up in an abusive relationship with loser number one. Then on to loser number two. Had a son. Life fell apart worse than ever at the end of that one. Left my son with a relative since even I knew I couldn't and *shouldn't* raise him the state of distress I was in. It was just another in a long series of lost chances...

I've kind of got philosophical about it, but the anger is still there. The colitus is gone but the complications it left behind with the emergency surgery are still quite notable. One reason I won't do meds again is I metabolize them all wrong, like I do most things. I can see myself settling into something more peaceful, but still....

I really wanted to feel productive, to DO something. I recognize now that the bp2, always in the depressive side, hampered any attempts. Funny thing was way back in high school I had self diagnosed myself correctly, but didn't want anyone to know. I could have gone for disability earier on the medical and got it, but didn't want to get 'stuck' with a label. But having lost everything twice now I panic when I get their are you still disabled form. I keep thinking I couldn't stand losing again.

I don't want and will not take meds. Weight gain caused a complication to my ostomy which if I ever get it will be high risk to fix. No more chances on that. And I get hit by even small doses like a ton of bricks. So I'm not 'normal' and I handle things by accomidating my moods. But it works and won't make me sicker.

But I want something to do. Something small involving not a lot of people contact. I am one of those loners who's happy talking on the phone. My energy is compromised and has been since the colitus. I won't make a commitment if I can't say for sure in advance I'd be there, which right now, between various problems, I can't say.

And I want to let out this anger that I LOST OUT on life. I'm hoping for therapy/counseling. But any thoughts on this? I know I must not be alone. How do others cope with the idea that its too late now, and what's lost will never be?

note: trying to get into the county program but am very worried they'll insist on meds. Medically I don't dare and don't want to be manic like I was on them (people who know me comment that its nice to see me calm) and felt like a zombie half the time. I take motrin sparingly.
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Old 09-05-2012, 06:10 PM
 
Location: SC Foothills
8,831 posts, read 10,241,170 times
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Sounds like I could have written this, except that I'm BP1. Life has been very unkind to me, and it is not getting any better. I do feel cheated sometimes, I'm very alone and I also want to do something like volunteering but like you I'm afraid to commit to anything for fear of not being able to show up due to any number of things like mental state, lack of sleep due to insomnia, or physical ailments. I suffer from severe IBS and spend all morning in the bathroom everyday so that would be a hindrance also. I have mysterious cramping that they can't figure what is going on, so that's an ongoing problem too.

There is so much that I could tell you but I'll spare you all the details but just know that I can relate and I really have no clue what the answer is for people like us. We're on disability so there is no way to get out and meet people to make new friends, no money to go anywhere and do anything, no one to do it with even if we did have the money, really don't like being around people anyway so that limits us even more so we stay at home, day after day, month after month, year after year all alone wondering why things have to be this way. We can't really date or go on dating sites, I mean, who wants to date someone on disability with a mental disorder? It's been my experience that people who would are undesirables themselves just looking to lay on your couch and eat your food and just totally use you up.

I'm completely overwhelmed by every little thing, and most of the time I just want to be admitted to a mental hospital permanently. I don't want to own anything and I don't want any responsibilities, just to lie in a bed and be left alone. Yeah I know, I probably should go check myself in somewhere but who would take care of my pets? They are the only reason I haven't done it. The minute I stop caring what happens to them then I'm really in trouble.

Anyway, here's what I plan to do. I'm going to visit different animal care facilities to see if any of them need volunteers and start out doing it once a week. I'm also going to find out if I can bring my dog with me so she can get some exercise and play. Over the years, animals have been my only saving grace and the only thing that bring me some semblance of joy. I don't think I could work at the animal shelter though, it would really put me over the edge to actually see all those poor, abandoned sweet faces getting euthanized every day. I would probably do something stupid like open all the cages and set them free or round them all up and take them home with me.

It's a very small step but at least it's something I'm passionate about and can make a difference in a small way. I'm hoping it will give me a sense of purpose, even if it's cleaning poop out of cages. Maybe it will also give me my will to live back and appreciate my life and want to do more in the way of getting involved in other things. I know that's a lot to ask of a few hours a day once a week, but I've got to start somewhere. Most people around here are uber religious and would encourage me to go to church, but I'm one of those rare atheists living in the bible belt so that won't work.

Maybe you can do something like that too, even if it's volunteering to fold clothes in the laundry area of a hospital. Not too much contact with other people, yet you're still around them. I looked into volunteering at the hospital, but they want too much info including 3 references and I just don't have any. I might look into a class of some sort too, the community college is just right down the road from me.

I know and understand exactly how you feel, but if we don't get out of our cocoons we're going to shrivel up and die. (And in my case, dying might be of my own doing) To hell with what other people think about our "illnesses", we are good people who have a lot to offer and deserve better in life than the hand we've been dealt. I wish you luck with whatever you decide to do and keep us posted.
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Old 09-05-2012, 06:44 PM
 
Location: New Jersey
8,712 posts, read 10,293,832 times
Reputation: 7553
well you sound like you had it terribly bad and worse then most other people. i no longer care anymore personally. i have had it and will be really glad when it's all over with. I call this life a 'wash' at this point.

don't know what you mean 'this time around?' I hope to God I don't get another go round at this garbage world. no thanks.
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Old 09-05-2012, 07:14 PM
 
9,940 posts, read 16,548,954 times
Reputation: 16817
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ilene Wright View Post
Sounds like I could have written this, except that I'm BP1. Life has been very unkind to me, and it is not getting any better. I do feel cheated sometimes, I'm very alone and I also want to do something like volunteering but like you I'm afraid to commit to anything for fear of not being able to show up due to any number of things like mental state, lack of sleep due to insomnia, or physical ailments. I suffer from severe IBS and spend all morning in the bathroom everyday so that would be a hindrance also. I have mysterious cramping that they can't figure what is going on, so that's an ongoing problem too.

There is so much that I could tell you but I'll spare you all the details but just know that I can relate and I really have no clue what the answer is for people like us. We're on disability so there is no way to get out and meet people to make new friends, no money to go anywhere and do anything, no one to do it with even if we did have the money, really don't like being around people anyway so that limits us even more so we stay at home, day after day, month after month, year after year all alone wondering why things have to be this way. We can't really date or go on dating sites, I mean, who wants to date someone on disability with a mental disorder? It's been my experience that people who would are undesirables themselves just looking to lay on your couch and eat your food and just totally use you up.

I'm completely overwhelmed by every little thing, and most of the time I just want to be admitted to a mental hospital permanently. I don't want to own anything and I don't want any responsibilities, just to lie in a bed and be left alone. Yeah I know, I probably should go check myself in somewhere but who would take care of my pets? They are the only reason I haven't done it. The minute I stop caring what happens to them then I'm really in trouble.

Anyway, here's what I plan to do. I'm going to visit different animal care facilities to see if any of them need volunteers and start out doing it once a week. I'm also going to find out if I can bring my dog with me so she can get some exercise and play. Over the years, animals have been my only saving grace and the only thing that bring me some semblance of joy. I don't think I could work at the animal shelter though, it would really put me over the edge to actually see all those poor, abandoned sweet faces getting euthanized every day. I would probably do something stupid like open all the cages and set them free or round them all up and take them home with me.

It's a very small step but at least it's something I'm passionate about and can make a difference in a small way. I'm hoping it will give me a sense of purpose, even if it's cleaning poop out of cages. Maybe it will also give me my will to live back and appreciate my life and want to do more in the way of getting involved in other things. I know that's a lot to ask of a few hours a day once a week, but I've got to start somewhere. Most people around here are uber religious and would encourage me to go to church, but I'm one of those rare atheists living in the bible belt so that won't work.

Maybe you can do something like that too, even if it's volunteering to fold clothes in the laundry area of a hospital. Not too much contact with other people, yet you're still around them. I looked into volunteering at the hospital, but they want too much info including 3 references and I just don't have any. I might look into a class of some sort too, the community college is just right down the road from me.

I know and understand exactly how you feel, but if we don't get out of our cocoons we're going to shrivel up and die. (And in my case, dying might be of my own doing) To hell with what other people think about our "illnesses", we are good people who have a lot to offer and deserve better in life than the hand we've been dealt. I wish you luck with whatever you decide to do and keep us posted.

Ilene,

my heart goes out to you. You sound so much like me back when I was in my 20's. Illness, mean spirited people, bad economy, I felt like I had lost all of lifes gifts.

Look, you have a plan. Look at all the posibilities you mentioned for getting out, meeting people, etc. You haven't given up on yourself. Where there's a will there's a way! I know what its like. Many years ago, my mother saw me slipping away. Finally one day she came up with a list of "rules"

I must get out of bed by 9 am (any sooner for someone unemployed is not realistic)
I must get dressed, completely, makeup manicure, etc
I must go get my hair done, nails, etc
I must go out of the house once a day, unless it was a weather-issue

Oftentimes, we would just drive around, shop, see a movie, etc

One thing you can count on, life is dynamic. Things do change. In time, my life came around, I found new opportunities, etc. You can, too.

Good thing to have pets, something that depends on you, keeps you from rejecting life. And, do what you can to get out of the house, perhaps, go to the library? Just sit there, read magazines, etc, at least you are out. Look for classes at the library, etc. Trust me, you haven't hit rock bottom, because you are trying to take care of yourself.

Oh, if you like talking on the phone, perhaps a volunteer job or work at home job using the phone? A little extra money never ruined anyone's life!

Take care, stay well!
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Old 09-05-2012, 07:16 PM
 
Location: St. Louis
9,954 posts, read 17,866,530 times
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Well things are better now but I feel that I've lost out on some chunks of my life that I won't ever get back. One is the ten years that I dealt with a seizure disorder and that was right around the time that I was finishing college and ready to start a career but I wasn't even supposed to be driving. When my bosses at the job I had found out that I had a seizure disorder they began to pressure me to quit but I dug in instead and kept a crap job rather than getting into a better position b/c I had lost so much confidence over the seizure disorder. A disorder that I haven't had a problem with since I stopped consuming aspartame in any form btw.

But I only found that out when I got pregnant and cleaned up my diet and had babies and stayed home with them and was a housewife for years and homeschooled my kids but then I found out that my husband of 23 years was never a "real" husband as he was gay, so I feel that I kind of missed that big chunk too. It wasn't even that great of a marriage but it never seemed quite bad enough to leave and I think that's part of my irritation with the whole thing--that I wasted my life on a sham of a marriage. So, I've never really had anyone that truly loved me and that bothers me, esp since I'm over 50 and may have missed my chance at real happiness. But I keep reminding myself that this is an American dream and not real and that people all thru history have lived in circumstances so much worse than anything I ever had to endure. Yeah I had a husband that didn't love me, but at least he's the one I chose and not one chosen by my parents and he didn't beat me and TG I had the option of divorce. And even if you did choose your husband in those days, you had less to choose from and anyone over 50 probably didn't have teeth left anyway and you lost half your kids to mumps and never got halloween candy. So maybe life isn't what it's all about--I hope not anyway. This is just a testing ground--or a dumping ground--not sure which. Hang in there OP and I hope tomorrow looks brighter. I don't think we missed out on life--this was our life and we've had glad times and sad times and we're all still here. Unless someone just keeled over on the computer but I hope not.
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Old 09-05-2012, 07:17 PM
 
42 posts, read 41,669 times
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Some people smoke dope for a reason...they dont like meds...
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Old 09-06-2012, 01:43 PM
 
Location: SC Foothills
8,831 posts, read 10,241,170 times
Reputation: 58216
Quote:
Originally Posted by MaryleeII View Post
Ilene,

my heart goes out to you. You sound so much like me back when I was in my 20's. Illness, mean spirited people, bad economy, I felt like I had lost all of lifes gifts.

Look, you have a plan. Look at all the posibilities you mentioned for getting out, meeting people, etc. You haven't given up on yourself. Where there's a will there's a way! I know what its like. Many years ago, my mother saw me slipping away. Finally one day she came up with a list of "rules"

I must get out of bed by 9 am (any sooner for someone unemployed is not realistic)
I must get dressed, completely, makeup manicure, etc
I must go get my hair done, nails, etc
I must go out of the house once a day, unless it was a weather-issue

Oftentimes, we would just drive around, shop, see a movie, etc

One thing you can count on, life is dynamic. Things do change. In time, my life came around, I found new opportunities, etc. You can, too.

Good thing to have pets, something that depends on you, keeps you from rejecting life. And, do what you can to get out of the house, perhaps, go to the library? Just sit there, read magazines, etc, at least you are out. Look for classes at the library, etc. Trust me, you haven't hit rock bottom, because you are trying to take care of yourself.

Oh, if you like talking on the phone, perhaps a volunteer job or work at home job using the phone? A little extra money never ruined anyone's life!

Take care, stay well!
Thank you very much, and I'm sorry you had such rough times also. I did something today that I've been putting off for months that will probably improve my mental state somewhat, it will take me a couple of weeks probably to get it all straightened out completely but it's a start. After that, I'll be looking into the volunteering thing once a week and your suggestion to go to the library was something I had thought about also so I might do that. I certainly don't expect to make loads of friends and maybe not even one but just being around animals and a few people will make me feel better.

I did take a look at Meetup.com a few days ago and I was surprised that there were a couple of groups that I might actually be interested in. I can't do that now until I'm in a better place mentally, but I have options and ideas so that's something.

I've been letting so many things go for so long that it seems impossible to get it all done, but I'm going to try a little each day. I HAVE to get my house and other affairs in order first, there's just really no excuse for me not to have taken care of things other than the depression has gotten so bad I just didn't care. I still want to throw my hands up and give up, but I can't tolerate the way things are any longer either. I'll have to force myself and eventually maybe I'll want to do it. I accepted help today from a cousin and that was a big step for me. I've done so much for her in the past with no reciprocation but I broke down and let her know how bad I was feeling and she offered to help so I jumped on it. It was embarrassing for her to see my mess and this giant "thing" I can't mention, but I had to have help if it was ever going to get done.

I took her to Burger King and we're done for the day and I really do feel somewhat better, even though my house has been turned completely upside down. But, it's a start and I will be doing the things I said I was going to do whether I feel like it or not. I've got to or something bad is going to happen. So thanks again for your kind post and suggestions, I'm taking everything into consideration that people have suggested instead of blowing it all off like I normally do. Change starts with me.
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Old 09-06-2012, 06:54 PM
 
Location: Cushing OK
14,545 posts, read 18,213,296 times
Reputation: 16829
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ilene Wright View Post
Sounds like I could have written this, except that I'm BP1. Life has been very unkind to me, and it is not getting any better. I do feel cheated sometimes, I'm very alone and I also want to do something like volunteering but like you I'm afraid to commit to anything for fear of not being able to show up due to any number of things like mental state, lack of sleep due to insomnia, or physical ailments. I suffer from severe IBS and spend all morning in the bathroom everyday so that would be a hindrance also. I have mysterious cramping that they can't figure what is going on, so that's an ongoing problem too.

There is so much that I could tell you but I'll spare you all the details but just know that I can relate and I really have no clue what the answer is for people like us. We're on disability so there is no way to get out and meet people to make new friends, no money to go anywhere and do anything, no one to do it with even if we did have the money, really don't like being around people anyway so that limits us even more so we stay at home, day after day, month after month, year after year all alone wondering why things have to be this way. We can't really date or go on dating sites, I mean, who wants to date someone on disability with a mental disorder? It's been my experience that people who would are undesirables themselves just looking to lay on your couch and eat your food and just totally use you up.

I'm completely overwhelmed by every little thing, and most of the time I just want to be admitted to a mental hospital permanently. I don't want to own anything and I don't want any responsibilities, just to lie in a bed and be left alone. Yeah I know, I probably should go check myself in somewhere but who would take care of my pets? They are the only reason I haven't done it. The minute I stop caring what happens to them then I'm really in trouble.

Anyway, here's what I plan to do. I'm going to visit different animal care facilities to see if any of them need volunteers and start out doing it once a week. I'm also going to find out if I can bring my dog with me so she can get some exercise and play. Over the years, animals have been my only saving grace and the only thing that bring me some semblance of joy. I don't think I could work at the animal shelter though, it would really put me over the edge to actually see all those poor, abandoned sweet faces getting euthanized every day. I would probably do something stupid like open all the cages and set them free or round them all up and take them home with me.

It's a very small step but at least it's something I'm passionate about and can make a difference in a small way. I'm hoping it will give me a sense of purpose, even if it's cleaning poop out of cages. Maybe it will also give me my will to live back and appreciate my life and want to do more in the way of getting involved in other things. I know that's a lot to ask of a few hours a day once a week, but I've got to start somewhere. Most people around here are uber religious and would encourage me to go to church, but I'm one of those rare atheists living in the bible belt so that won't work.

Maybe you can do something like that too, even if it's volunteering to fold clothes in the laundry area of a hospital. Not too much contact with other people, yet you're still around them. I looked into volunteering at the hospital, but they want too much info including 3 references and I just don't have any. I might look into a class of some sort too, the community college is just right down the road from me.

I know and understand exactly how you feel, but if we don't get out of our cocoons we're going to shrivel up and die. (And in my case, dying might be of my own doing) To hell with what other people think about our "illnesses", we are good people who have a lot to offer and deserve better in life than the hand we've been dealt. I wish you luck with whatever you decide to do and keep us posted.
I could have applied for disability due to medical reasons ten years before, but my ex is disabled and I didn't want those LIMITS. I didn't want to feel thats alll there was. The money thing is the hardest, realizing you have been permenantly reduced to poverty. Maybe I was lucky in being homeless that having a home and the things I enjoy even if I can't go out and do a lot has given me a different perspective. I don't feel poor. I gather what I'll use and enjoy. I waited all year for Black Friday to get my new tv but its nice and isn't there for the show.

I know I couldn't deal with animals. I'd just be sent into deep depression over abused or slated to die creatures. When I was on meds and zoned I could watch the animal rescue shows since I'd pretty much shut off feelings. Now they are on and I can't deal at all with that subject. My current want is to get involved in what counts as local fandom, which is the SCA. It would be fun to me. And as I know there are other pagans involved it would be a way to connect that way. I'm sure there are others in fandom around, but I just don't know how to find them.

These and folk music people are the sorts that enrich me. Seeking them out is what helps. People I can't relate to are very draining.

I know all about the being ovewhelmed. I finally got the Socal Security form filled out after looking at it for a week. All the what if's surface and I finally got past them. It's not anxiety so much as deep fears left from being homeless which will never go away. I'm again in 'command' mode, but feel as if the floor is still waiting to cave in.

What I dream of is a CAR. My own. I have rides, but its always do you know how long you'll be? So I keep it to the store and close around town. I feel like I'm intruding. I used to sometimes just take a ride at night. The only thing open was the drugstore, but I'd go there and shop for awhile. (and that was in California...) But I need to be able to do it myself. I don't know how but there has to be a way.

While writing up the sixteen or so versions of description of my current physical problem for the form, I did think a lot about it. Unfortunately its a choice of putting up with the problems and limitations or risky surgery, and I'll take this, but having put it into words did make me feel better.

All these things might have to wait or I might change my mind, but it has helped as an exercise to just actually LOOK and define the particulars and shove the fear back.

And it is compensation, in that I believe we have many lives, that the end goal of this one was solved, that in that is a calm and peace that is wonderful.
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Old 09-06-2012, 07:11 PM
 
Location: Cushing OK
14,545 posts, read 18,213,296 times
Reputation: 16829
Quote:
Originally Posted by Doll Eyes View Post
well you sound like you had it terribly bad and worse then most other people. i no longer care anymore personally. i have had it and will be really glad when it's all over with. I call this life a 'wash' at this point.

don't know what you mean 'this time around?' I hope to God I don't get another go round at this garbage world. no thanks.
Actually its pretty interesting. When I was a wee little one with a cushioned life, I was not just interested in survival stories, but felt like I lived in them. I could go into the heads of these people and understand. I could see their world and feel their feelings and understand their pain. I never told anyone but read the entire biography section in my elementry school and it wasn't small in one semester.

I think I was about twelve when I read about reincarnation. It made such perfect sense to me. I could see how maybe I had this connection with something so foreign to me. Years later I had a regression and wasn't alive at ten. And I can step back and read rather gruesome and detailed stories of people and wars, even children, if they survived. I can't stand the ones where children who were very young didn't. It's like there is a wall there and I can't pass it. I think I was six or seven.

It has been a 'distant' shadow for a long time, but oddly after I lost everything and was homeless and really had to live in survival mode, there was peace. It was as if the grief had gone and understanding replaced it. *Something* was released. That child didn't understand. And its fears were left in the new life. Now, even if I obsesss over it sometimes, they are released.

I've been told many times that I'm an Old Soul, and next life hope to go into it without the old shadows to clear away.
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Old 09-06-2012, 07:56 PM
 
Location: Cushing OK
14,545 posts, read 18,213,296 times
Reputation: 16829
Quote:
Originally Posted by stepka View Post
Well things are better now but I feel that I've lost out on some chunks of my life that I won't ever get back. One is the ten years that I dealt with a seizure disorder and that was right around the time that I was finishing college and ready to start a career but I wasn't even supposed to be driving. When my bosses at the job I had found out that I had a seizure disorder they began to pressure me to quit but I dug in instead and kept a crap job rather than getting into a better position b/c I had lost so much confidence over the seizure disorder. A disorder that I haven't had a problem with since I stopped consuming aspartame in any form btw.

But I only found that out when I got pregnant and cleaned up my diet and had babies and stayed home with them and was a housewife for years and homeschooled my kids but then I found out that my husband of 23 years was never a "real" husband as he was gay, so I feel that I kind of missed that big chunk too. It wasn't even that great of a marriage but it never seemed quite bad enough to leave and I think that's part of my irritation with the whole thing--that I wasted my life on a sham of a marriage. So, I've never really had anyone that truly loved me and that bothers me, esp since I'm over 50 and may have missed my chance at real happiness. But I keep reminding myself that this is an American dream and not real and that people all thru history have lived in circumstances so much worse than anything I ever had to endure. Yeah I had a husband that didn't love me, but at least he's the one I chose and not one chosen by my parents and he didn't beat me and TG I had the option of divorce. And even if you did choose your husband in those days, you had less to choose from and anyone over 50 probably didn't have teeth left anyway and you lost half your kids to mumps and never got halloween candy. So maybe life isn't what it's all about--I hope not anyway. This is just a testing ground--or a dumping ground--not sure which. Hang in there OP and I hope tomorrow looks brighter. I don't think we missed out on life--this was our life and we've had glad times and sad times and we're all still here. Unless someone just keeled over on the computer but I hope not.
I'm still not sure how I feel about my husband and his betrayal and lies. The first live in bf and I split over anger issues but the one I married seemed 'safe' since he wasn't. But there are two kinds of anger, the hot flash and the cold burn. He withdrew and shut the door and let it simmer. That is a recipe for worse disastor. When I found out how many lies there had been I kicked him out. At the time, everything in turmoil I went into emergency mode and just quit feeling, but even now, I feel *nothing* for him, not good/bad memories or even anger, because *he* doesn't deserve any. I should not waste any of my own energies on him.

Not that there isn't anger, but its more pure and utter disdane now. I don't care about him. I think this is the only way to go unless you have it in you to 'forgive'. If forgiveness is saying I won't let you disturb my life anymore so your gone, then I'm fine with it. If its any sort of contact/approach or the like, naw....

And I did get the form filled out. I know it is stupid to feel so much anxiety, but I always do. So I feel a bit better. And along the way, describing my busted surgery and the problems its still has, I kind of came to a decision on what I prefer. I kept thinking how it would be better to fix it but then the surgery is a great risk, according to the last surgeon who opened me up and said I was a 'mess' inside and further would be a 'risk'. I was settled on that but the last one who ignored what I told him (and I was right) has raised serious trust issues and I can't settle now.

I know what I feel and that was an issue. If I can pull myself into 'logic' out of 'trauma' I can make a reasonable decision.

I know I may not take the most conventional route to 'better' but if it works for me, I think about how when I finally realized that I had to get out of where I was I alone came up with plans to move and until I had actually made some decisions and could present them in reasonable terms didn't even tell anyone. It was the right decision and though I've got some to go before I can feel good, it was the start.

I think the best advise I've ever heard is to look forward, not back.
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