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Old 09-29-2012, 10:15 AM
 
Location: Bergen County, NJ
1,603 posts, read 3,738,358 times
Reputation: 1838

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This story is a friend of my cousins .... the friend is like part of the family, they've been around forever ... My cousin recently asked for my advice, and I wasn't sure what to say, other than, "It maybe time to let go and move on" .... It made me sad though, for this friend, who I do know very well ...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My cousin, MaryEllen has a friend in her life for 35+ years, Nicole. We're all in our mid-40s now ... Nicole is an absolutely genuinely goodhearted person inside- warm, caring, does anything for anyone, genuinely cares about people - does volunteer work, and has compassion and empathy for people. She works in a nursing home, taking care of others by day, and lives with her Grandmother, helping to take care of her, and the house by night .... Whenever my cousin goes away, she will call this friend and leave her with the house to watch her dog for sometimes up to a week and the friend is very loyal and trusting.

She is a good friend to my cousin- so I see. From where I sit, my cousin sometimes takes advantage of this - always asking her to watch her house, staying there, taking her dog, etc .... So my cousin recently did something maybe not so nice, and the friend has recently since stopped talking to my cousin. She was going away for 2 weeks, asked Nicole if she could take the dog, and Nicole said she couldn't do it this time due to her schedule and school. So my cousin gave her a guilt trip, and Nicole has since stopped talking to her ... I ended up taking the dog since my cousin said if no one took the dog, she'd have to cancel her vacation. So spoiled, and manipulating.

Here is the issue ....

This girl, Nicole came from a dysfunctional background - her father was physically abusive, her mother mentally and she was raised by her grandparents. She has never gotten married, never had a successful healthy relationship, never went to college, works a low-level job, and her family provided little support or guidance. When I go to family functions, if Nicole is there, they bug her about who she is dating, what she is doing, etc ... When she is not at family functions, it is hard for me and my cousin to hear people talk negative about her, "She's a lost soul". I usually leave the room, and my cousin speaks up and giggles.

So my cousin recently called to tell me the story and said she doesn't really talk to her much anymore, they just have nothing in common. She is busy with her life, and kids. And, I said, "You call when you need something - like your house and dog watched". And, my cousin got mad at me ....

I feel bad for this girl, she is just now, finally going back to college in her 40s, She seems to be doing well in the studies area. Still in a low-level job, living with her Grandmother ... She says, till she graduates ...

She just unfriended me, my cousin and my entire family on facebook. But before she did she posted a message, "It's time for me to focus on the future, stop living in the past, and do something right, and for myself" ....

My cousin said to me she hates to see her a lone, but at the same time, she is stagnant her entire life and isn't sure the friendship is a friendship at this point ....

She asked if she should let the friendship go, or try and talk to her ....

I told her, I think she needs to focus on her future, and you should let it go - not everything is meant to be forever .... I can't help but feel bad for the girl, as I know she has little support or foundation in her life .... It's sad.


Does anyone have friends they had in their lives for decades, and knew it was time to let go ??

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Old 09-29-2012, 03:21 PM
Status: "Disoriented" (set 15 days ago)
 
Location: Coastal New Jersey
60,980 posts, read 58,245,758 times
Reputation: 73006
Quote:
Originally Posted by ImCurlybelle View Post
This story is a friend of my cousins .... the friend is like part of the family, they've been around forever ... My cousin recently asked for my advice, and I wasn't sure what to say, other than, "It maybe time to let go and move on" .... It made me sad though, for this friend, who I do know very well ...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My cousin, MaryEllen has a friend in her life for 35+ years, Nicole. We're all in our mid-40s now ... Nicole is an absolutely genuinely goodhearted person inside- warm, caring, does anything for anyone, genuinely cares about people - does volunteer work, and has compassion and empathy for people. She works in a nursing home, taking care of others by day, and lives with her Grandmother, helping to take care of her, and the house by night .... Whenever my cousin goes away, she will call this friend and leave her with the house to watch her dog for sometimes up to a week and the friend is very loyal and trusting.

She is a good friend to my cousin- so I see. From where I sit, my cousin sometimes takes advantage of this - always asking her to watch her house, staying there, taking her dog, etc .... So my cousin recently did something maybe not so nice, and the friend has recently since stopped talking to my cousin. She was going away for 2 weeks, asked Nicole if she could take the dog, and Nicole said she couldn't do it this time due to her schedule and school. So my cousin gave her a guilt trip, and Nicole has since stopped talking to her ... I ended up taking the dog since my cousin said if no one took the dog, she'd have to cancel her vacation. So spoiled, and manipulating.

Here is the issue ....

This girl, Nicole came from a dysfunctional background - her father was physically abusive, her mother mentally and she was raised by her grandparents. She has never gotten married, never had a successful healthy relationship, never went to college, works a low-level job, and her family provided little support or guidance. When I go to family functions, if Nicole is there, they bug her about who she is dating, what she is doing, etc ... When she is not at family functions, it is hard for me and my cousin to hear people talk negative about her, "She's a lost soul". I usually leave the room, and my cousin speaks up and giggles.

So my cousin recently called to tell me the story and said she doesn't really talk to her much anymore, they just have nothing in common. She is busy with her life, and kids. And, I said, "You call when you need something - like your house and dog watched". And, my cousin got mad at me ....

I feel bad for this girl, she is just now, finally going back to college in her 40s, She seems to be doing well in the studies area. Still in a low-level job, living with her Grandmother ... She says, till she graduates ...

She just unfriended me, my cousin and my entire family on facebook. But before she did she posted a message, "It's time for me to focus on the future, stop living in the past, and do something right, and for myself" ....

My cousin said to me she hates to see her a lone, but at the same time, she is stagnant her entire life and isn't sure the friendship is a friendship at this point ....

She asked if she should let the friendship go, or try and talk to her ....

I told her, I think she needs to focus on her future, and you should let it go - not everything is meant to be forever .... I can't help but feel bad for the girl, as I know she has little support or foundation in her life .... It's sad.


Does anyone have friends they had in their lives for decades, and knew it was time to let go ??

From your story, it sounds to me as if Nicole decided it was time to let all of YOU go so she could move forward. She sent a clear message to your cousin that she's not going to be used anymore.

Do you blame her? It all seems as if you all view her as pathetic and hopeless and your friendship toward her as an act of kindness and charity. Did it ever occur to you that maybe she doesn't see herself that way? That she doesn't want to be the long-suffering, always helpful, kind person who volunteers and never asks for anything for herself? For some reason, she has lived her life thinking that this is the only way she has value, and that this is the only way people will accept or like her, and in the case of your cousin, it sounds as if she was right. Did you or anyone in your family ever try to help this woman see that there was another way for her to be? That she had the right to reach out and have better things in life, the same as the rest of you?

We get caught up in becoming and staying what others expect us to be sometimes. It's a system. If she moves and changes, you and your family will have to change your point of view of her and yourselves, and it may also make you have to look at some not-very-nice aspects of yourselves in relation to her. It sounds as if she knows that you will be resistant to her change, and she is detaching in order to grow. I wish her the best.

To answer your question: Yes. I have been your friend--not exactly her, but the person who didn't fit in and who had "friends" who pretended to be friends but weren't quite kind the way true friends would be and who never really tried to get to know the person I really was. I dumped them, and I moved ahead in my life, and I've never looked back.

Last edited by Mightyqueen801; 09-29-2012 at 03:30 PM..
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Old 09-29-2012, 05:48 PM
 
Location: Kansas
19,184 posts, read 15,740,065 times
Reputation: 18313
I agree 100% with MightyQueen801. Sometimes when you need to move forward, there is no looking back! I don't need friends that think I am pathetic. Thanks, but no thanks.
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Old 09-29-2012, 06:12 PM
 
Location: Bergen County, NJ
1,603 posts, read 3,738,358 times
Reputation: 1838
I agree with mightyqueen also, and am hoping this girl soars forward and never looks back ...

You're absolutely right. I feel bad for her, and want her to do nothing but succeed. You validated my thoughts
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Old 09-29-2012, 06:29 PM
 
12,120 posts, read 29,311,246 times
Reputation: 3799
i was just going to say the same thing esp what anywhere else said. heck i had a friend for 4 years who thought i was pathetic and that was the end of that. but 35 years, jeez...
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Old 09-30-2012, 10:36 AM
 
Location: Western NY
559 posts, read 1,230,436 times
Reputation: 556
Good for her for moving forward, not putting up with the way your cousin treated her, disconnecting from people who were saying mean things to her and about her, and going to college. She's making one positive change after another. I'm glad that she let go of your cousin and the rest of your family.

Last edited by Atlantis; 09-30-2012 at 10:50 AM..
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Old 10-01-2012, 03:17 PM
 
18,847 posts, read 32,734,693 times
Reputation: 26171
I had a "friend" for many years, and discontinued the relationship, we had nothing left in common, and her life, was pretty negative. She tried to put my life down, to make her feel better about her life. Whatever. It was dysfunctional. I am glad to not be part of her negativity any longer.

Some things are not meant to last forever.
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