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Old 12-07-2012, 10:53 PM
 
8,301 posts, read 11,278,854 times
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The op says he looks at porn.

I'm assuming he does the "M" word.
Isn't that considered sex?
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Old 12-08-2012, 05:21 PM
 
8,174 posts, read 12,142,076 times
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I think having a low sex drive, being somewhat asexual or not particularly caring for sex is (1) perfectly fine and (2) going to be judged by the majority as strange.
It may be a more difficult path to interpersonal/relationship happiness. But the flip side is that people on the other end of the spectrum, i.e. higher than average sex drives won't generally find it easy going either.
You're fine. But its going to be more difficult to find an understanding partner, no reason to not stay open to possibility, just take he pressure off.
Be honest and communicative about your needs, desires, dreams, all of them and don't be ashamed. Put it out there like you want to get it back.
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Old 12-08-2012, 11:39 PM
 
Location: Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam
335 posts, read 291,198 times
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To be perfectly honest, I have always found sex to be something of a nuisance, and sometimes nothing more than an obligation to my partner.

Usually I find more humor in sexy situations than stimulation.

I think we just have to realize that people differ, and, given that, to understand what we are and accept it.
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Old 12-09-2012, 06:46 PM
 
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Glad to see the discussion about lower sex drives. I feel like the whole amped up sex is all is pushed down our throats by, if not a minority then at least not as big a majority as you would think. Its a bit of tyranny that we all are made to feel as though something is wrong with us if we aren't out there trying to scratch an insatiable itch all the time. And look how much trouble it brings people. Human trafficing, prostitution, porn, disease, broken marriages..really sex causes a lot of misery in the world.
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Old 12-09-2012, 10:02 PM
 
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I'm asexual in it's 'purest' form, meaning I don't experience sexual attraction toward other people at all. Asexuality is different from sex drive, though. A person can have very low sex drive but not fall under asexuality if they do feel sexually attracted toward others during the times their drive is active. Some people call this gray asexuality. In answer to jerseygal, one can 'do the M word' while being asexual (and it isn't uncommon). A person can have a very HIGH sex drive and still be asexual (which is actually the case for me...my drive is fine, I just have no desire to share it with anyone!)

Think of it this way...some people are bisexual or pansexual. They can potentially find members of both genders (or genders outside the binary) sexually attractive. Asexuality is pretty much the opposite- I don't find anyone sexually attractive of any gender. That fact is completely separate from my drive. At the same time, because I don't find other people sexually attractive, I don't desire to have sex with them. Just as a heterosexual wouldn't desire sex with a member of their gender, or a homosexual wouldn't desire sex with a member of the opposite gender. Since my drive is separate and operating fine...well, fill in the blank.

Asexual is also separate from one's desire to form a partnership. I'm aromantic, meaning I don't personally have any desire to form a romantic bond. Many asexuals do desire a romantic partnership. They want the snuggles and stability and shared taxes...everything but the sex. For asexuals involved with non-asexuals, things are obviously a little more difficult, but the same is true for low-drive and high-drive people paired together. If you're truly invested in the relationship, both sides may have to compromise.

To the OP, I would encourage you to find social groups for asexuals. AVEN is a place to start- I have issues with the site and some of their politics, but it is a good way to meet others and you may be able to some friends locally through the forums.

I get flack from other asexuals for the next suggestion, but consider a medical work-up. There are hormonal issues that can cause low drive. I found out many years ago that I have very low levels of DHA, which can cause low sex drive. If that had been the only symptoms I would have ignored it, but it can also cause low energy, which I've always struggled with. I underwent treatment which had no effect on my drive (or energy levels) and remain asexual to this day. It's just something to consider.

I'm very content being asexual and wouldn't change it if I could. To me, feeling this way is not just normal but preferable. I'm also content being aromantic and don't really understand WHY people waste time on relationships, but that's just me. I think the OP will benefit from talking to other asexuals and seeing that relationships are possible and common.
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Old 12-09-2012, 11:21 PM
 
47,531 posts, read 62,248,200 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jerseygal4u View Post
The op says he looks at porn.

I'm assuming he does the "M" word.
Isn't that considered sex?
I suspect that plenty of people have a gap between "fantasy" and "reality" when it comes to sex. Just like married people might fantasize about other people and still not actually want to cheat, or women can have rape fantasies without actually wanting to be raped, for the OP, porn is just fantasy, but he doesn't actually want the same.
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Old 12-09-2012, 11:35 PM
 
Location: New Jersey
8,712 posts, read 10,315,213 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by malamute View Post
I suspect that plenty of people have a gap between "fantasy" and "reality" when it comes to sex. Just like married people might fantasize about other people and still not actually want to cheat, or women can have rape fantasies without actually wanting to be raped, for the OP, porn is just fantasy, but he doesn't actually want the same.

this is true....and above post mentioned it: asexuality is usually desire for sex with OTHER people, not masturbation.
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Old 08-24-2013, 11:35 PM
 
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My god I have to respond to this- I'm completely in the same boat, if not more so. I'm 35; really have no sexual history to speak of. I've been with a handful of wonderful women over the years, for the most part really understanding and patient, but whenever I tried to be intimate with them I froze completely. It was horrid; just miserable experiences. I wanted so badly to lose my virginity so many times but could never get aroused. Only one or two experiences were pleasurable, the extent of which was merely passionate kissing. So I guess you could say I've been asexual my whole life.
Well, shoot, I'll just be totally honest here I guess (ahem)... about 3 years ago I started looking at furry artwork, male on male exclusively and is was an instant major turn on. I even tried to go to a few conventions but I found the whole scene to be too bizarre and off-putting. Anyway, I recently joined a gym and have noticed that I'm starting to find men attractive, much more so that I ever did women. So now I'm half-way through life, in a new city because I can't settle down, have no friends, and constantly get crap from my co-workers because they can't figure me out and that's not a surprise because I really don't know who I am! I feel like I want to try the gay scene but I'm scared to death and
to be honest I'm really nervous that I'm going to be surrounded by a bunch of lecherous, fast men when all I really want to do is talk and get to know someone special, kiss and cuddle; i.e. I just want to take things slow but I realize I'm so far behind everyone else and I may never find anyone- and that's horribly depressing to me.
I read the OP and my opinion is it's always about childhood. I don't want to get into too much detail here because it's too painful and I really have put much of it behind me but my father was a horrible, horrible alcoholic and quite simply a sociopath who bullied and dehumanized everyone in the family for years and years. I remember thinking at a very early age (5 or 6) that I wanted to be nothing like either of my parents, because my mother contributed in her way as well. A child will cling to the parent who is not psychotic, in this case my mom, and yet I remember clearly being double crossed by her as well, literally being 'served up' for my father's rants, while she would stand idly by, listening and with a vague grin. To this day I have never heard of a father saying the kinds of things he would scream continually at my brother and I; disgusting, vulgar, sexually graphic scenarios. One example: he was particularly fond of claiming I was having sex with my mother, which he would describe in detail, like a Hustler forum column.
So because of all that, and it seems pretty clear to me, I've led a lifetime running from sex and intimacy. I wanted to be nothing like either of my parents so much that now I feel like a freaking alien. People just generally freak me out.

Whew. Sorry I had to let that out. The OP hit me somewhere because I can totally identify. Although, and maybe this is even more depressing, but I feel like I'm even worse off. If anyone has any thoughts I'd love to hear them, although I was in therapy for 3 years I probably should go back, I realize. I just want to meet people I can talk to.
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