U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Covid-19 Information Page
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Health and Wellness > Mental Health
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 11-12-2012, 01:26 PM
 
5,128 posts, read 6,124,406 times
Reputation: 8396

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rlarson21 View Post
I feel uncomfortable with sexuality in general. The gays in my small town are all about hooking up right away and having sex.

Part of me finds sexuality in general to be demeaning and sick. What's weird though is that I like the fact that other guys here think I'm hot but I feel uncomfortable with the idea of actually having sex. I feel better just staying home and looking at porn online and not actually doing it.


I look at porn online but I think it feels demeaning and disgusting that others look at me this way in the raw sense and I have a hard time feeling comfortable with the idea of sex when it actually comes to doing it in real life.
Instead of experiencing sex in a relationship, you are experiencing it via porn. Porn doesn't exist to give you the love, support, and consideration of a real relationship. It only exists to get a purely physical reaction.

Hasn't it occurred to you that the impersonal and selfish atmosphere of porn is causing your issues with sex?

I've heard of women prostitutes who end up hating men because the only context they see them in is not a positive one. You are looking at sex in the context of porn.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 11-12-2012, 04:10 PM
 
13,051 posts, read 16,131,363 times
Reputation: 15249
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rlarson21 View Post
Because im romantically and sexually attracted to guy and not girls. But actual sex and sexuality in real life seems disturbing to me and I get irritated when someone looks at me with lust. It feels demeaning like im just a body to be used not a soul or anything spiritual
Rlarson, what you are saying here are the thoughts of yourself and (believe me) many, many others, women and men, gay and straight. There is nothing wrong with you , you've just not met someone who you really "click" with, and WANT to be with...you are not alone...you seem to have sex, and lust, confused with love...two different things for sure....the porn you watch is just sex....NOT LOVE,...the reason you feel demeaned and irritated when a man looks at you with lust in his eyes, is for the same reason that anyone who doesn't want a "wham, bam, thankyou maam" encounter will feel. You want a meaningful relationship...that's good, stick with that, and when you've found someone who treats you with respect and comes to see you just because they like you, and care about you, maybe that man can also teach you to not be afraid, and to enjoy having sex.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-16-2012, 01:28 PM
 
Location: New Jersey
8,712 posts, read 10,315,213 times
Reputation: 7553
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rlarson21 View Post
I'm a 35 year old gay guy. I have only been with one guy and that was five years ago. I didn't even come out until age 28 and before this i dated nobody.

I feel uncomfortable with sexuality in general.
The gays in my small town are all about hooking up right away and having sex.

Part of me finds sexuality in general to be demeaning and sick. what's weird though is that i like the fact that other guys here think i'm hot but i feel uncomfortable with the idea of actually having sex. I feel better just staying home and looking at porn online and not actually doing it.

but i feel so lonely and i want a romantic/friendship relationship. If sex was a part of that then i would do it. but I just feel so demeaned by the whole process.

I look at porn online but I think it feels demeaning and disgusting that others look at me this way in the raw sense and i have a hard time feeling comfortable with the idea of sex when it actually comes to doing it in real life.

Is there something wrong with me?
you sound like a textbook asexual, especially the things I highlighted. IF you go on the AVEN site many of things you said their members say verbatim, so check it out sometime. I used to think asexual was a person devoid of a sex drive. It still is I guess, but it's also a person that has no desire to seek out relationships with the same nor opposite sex. Someone on that site told me that. So based on the latter definition, I am an asexual and sounds like you are as well. You might be able to find another asexual person who also doesn't want the sexual element, people claim they meet and get together, etc. But the odds of an asexual person finding a mate are slim as a man IMO and if you are a woman forget it. I don't see the 'point' of why they do half of the things that they do besides lack of self control. On occasion, some of the things that people do sexually, is confusing and somewhat gross to me. The men want nothing to do with a woman like that.

People have a very narrow scope of what an adult is, they define it by who's sexual and who isn't. They will throw all kinds of labels on people who are not out there screwing everyone or talking about screwing everyone. They always tout this, "Oh be yourself and people accept others for who they are." They are full of sh*t. If you haven't already, try your mentality on 'regular, average sexual adults' and watch how 'accepting' they are . If they do it long enough to you, you will start to despise people in general like I do.

Is there something wrong with you? By society's standards, sorry to tell you, but yea there is. They have basically marked this population of people as garbage and the dregs of society not worth consideration for anything besides discussing how far from 'normal' we are and fodder for jokes.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-16-2012, 02:40 PM
 
Location: Pueblo - Colorado's Second City
12,213 posts, read 21,603,415 times
Reputation: 4301
I think seeing a therapist would be a good idea as well for the OP. My last "friend" that I liked lied to me and said he was gay when he was straight and that caused trust issues so I am seeing a therapist. There is nothing wrong with going out and getting help in today's world. I still have issues but feel much more confident and I think that would help him as well.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-16-2012, 02:48 PM
 
13,051 posts, read 16,131,363 times
Reputation: 15249
Doll Eyes, I have to disagree with what the AVEN site says....none of these people sound "asexual", I believe they are all "sexual" in that they even think about it. I believe these people just haven't found the person in life that they actually WANT to share so much of themselves with...maybe they've been hurt in the past?...maybe they were raised in a strict, puritan household?, maybe it's just not a big priority in their lives....who knows? Asexual, as far as I've ever understood it means : you have NO sex ; independent of sexual processes, and that's not something any person can be, even if they don't indulge...if they want, they can.

Last edited by purehuman; 11-16-2012 at 03:38 PM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-16-2012, 03:11 PM
 
1,458 posts, read 2,303,111 times
Reputation: 3113
It is totally fine for sex to be secondary or tertiary for you. It is fine to be grossed out enough by swapping fluids that you would only consider it in a long term, emotionally intimate relationship. There are plenty of "vanilla" folks that aren't into anything but missionary; I have to believe that some of them will be gay, so maybe bedroom acrobatics and faces in genitals aren't your style.

I do wonder - how do you feel when you watch a lovemaking scene in a film, rather than porn? Something where both are equals, eye to eye etc?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-16-2012, 06:07 PM
 
Location: New Jersey
8,712 posts, read 10,315,213 times
Reputation: 7553
Quote:
Originally Posted by purehuman View Post
Doll Eyes, I have to disagree with what the AVEN site says....none of these people sound "asexual", I believe they are all "sexual" in that they even think about it. I believe these people just haven't found the person in life that they actually WANT to share so much of themselves with...maybe they've been hurt in the past?...maybe they were raised in a strict, puritan household?, maybe it's just not a big priority in their lives....who knows? Asexual, as far as I've ever understood it means : you have NO sex ; independent of sexual processes, and that's not something any person can be, even if they don't indulge...if they want, they can.

Well they are asexual, what you are applying is the 'general' definition of asexuality. Some fit that and some don't. This is not a one size fits all situation just like the rest of sexuality isn't.

No offense but you sound like the typical 'sexual' person that says "well you haven't found the right person yet" or "this all has to do with your childhood." The problem with this mentality is they only bother to think about one perspective. they themselves are so hooked on sex, that the thought is "How can everyone else not be!?" I don't know how you would know they haven't met the right person yet, but if they claim they have & STILL didn't want sex with them, I'm not going to tell them that wasn't the right person yet.

There's people on that site who have sex with their partner and literally do not like it or get 'nothing' out of it, they do it to please the partner. (Personally I would never be in that arrangement, but alas, it exists). Again, this is going to be something that's hard for others to beleive because people are so obsessed with sex personally. I don't know how someone could even dispute a person that has actually had sex with a person they so called loved -- and still came out not wanting anything to do with sex. If that's not asexual, I don't know what is.

By the last line you wrote: that's like saying a homosexual person isn't really gay because if they wanted to have sex with women/men they could.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-23-2012, 11:01 PM
 
Location: Missouri, USA
4,992 posts, read 3,258,177 times
Reputation: 2349
I don't see how the OP could be asexual, if he looks at porno. Porno is a simulation for sex. The reason people like porn is because the mind is tricked into thinking it will soon get, or perhaps on some levels, is even having, sex. The only exception I could see, is that he's just looking at it occasionally for reasons of curiosity...although he might get along well with asexuals...

Many heterosexual men cringe at the though of gay sex. Part of that has to do with a fear of being dominated (the other part being not liking gay sex). Perhaps the OP is gay, but just has a few more common heterosexual male characteristics than most homosexual men. I've known four gay men...and three of the four seemed kind of more submissive in social situations, and desiring to be that way, than strait men. The fourth one was a huge, intimidating, knife-thrower, but there still was more of an openess that most heterosexual men seem to lack, and a lack of competitiveness. There's my...ignorant, nearly blind, and inexperienced view, anyway.

OP, if you do see a therapist, remember, they're people too, and can be wrong. Sorry you didn't get more people who know what they're talking about...which you clearly did not... Seek out gay men and ask them specifically about this stuff. You comprise a relatively small percentage of the population, and everybody else will probably be an idiot regarding these things....Heterosexuals don't understand themselves either, in many cases...much less someone else with a sexual orientation much of society didn't even realize existed a few decades ago. We're almost certainly all dumber than you.

I'm a heterosexual male. It'd probably be nicer if posters would specify their sexual orientation in their responses, wouldn't it?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-23-2012, 11:12 PM
 
Location: Missouri, USA
4,992 posts, read 3,258,177 times
Reputation: 2349
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shooting Stars View Post
Instead of experiencing sex in a relationship, you are experiencing it via porn. Porn doesn't exist to give you the love, support, and consideration of a real relationship. It only exists to get a purely physical reaction.

Hasn't it occurred to you that the impersonal and selfish atmosphere of porn is causing your issues with sex?

I've heard of women prostitutes who end up hating men because the only context they see them in is not a positive one. You are looking at sex in the context of porn.
Dr. Clintone says: The part in bold is an unhealthy mindset, in many contexts. That's how the Catholic priest pedophelia stuff happens. Instead...a better solution would be to not treat women in those situations like trash.

I know you are not a guy, and I'm 90% sure you never had a heterosexual son or brother, unless you come from a deeply, deeply, conservatively religious household.

Last edited by Clintone; 11-23-2012 at 11:24 PM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-24-2012, 09:56 AM
 
Location: New Jersey
8,712 posts, read 10,315,213 times
Reputation: 7553
Quote:
Originally Posted by Clintone View Post
I don't see how the OP could be asexual, if he looks at porno. Porno is a simulation for sex. The reason people like porn is because the mind is tricked into thinking it will soon get, or perhaps on some levels, is even having, sex. The only exception I could see, is that he's just looking at it occasionally for reasons of curiosity...although he might get along well with asexuals...

Many heterosexual men cringe at the though of gay sex. Part of that has to do with a fear of being dominated (the other part being not liking gay sex). Perhaps the OP is gay, but just has a few more common heterosexual male characteristics than most homosexual men. I've known four gay men...and three of the four seemed kind of more submissive in social situations, and desiring to be that way, than strait men. The fourth one was a huge, intimidating, knife-thrower, but there still was more of an openess that most heterosexual men seem to lack, and a lack of competitiveness. There's my...ignorant, nearly blind, and inexperienced view, anyway.

OP, if you do see a therapist, remember, they're people too, and can be wrong. Sorry you didn't get more people who know what they're talking about...which you clearly did not... Seek out gay men and ask them specifically about this stuff. You comprise a relatively small percentage of the population, and everybody else will probably be an idiot regarding these things....Heterosexuals don't understand themselves either, in many cases...much less someone else with a sexual orientation much of society didn't even realize existed a few decades ago. We're almost certainly all dumber than you.

I'm a heterosexual male. It'd probably be nicer if posters would specify their sexual orientation in their responses, wouldn't it?

Because as it's been pointed out asexual is not a "one size fits all" deal, it's only sexual people that try and make it one.


And the reason you cite for people liking porn, might be true for you but not for everyone.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Health and Wellness > Mental Health
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6. The time now is 05:30 PM.

© 2005-2020, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top