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Old 11-24-2012, 06:15 PM
 
Location: Lower east side of Toronto
10,570 posts, read 11,156,896 times
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Once you mature and understand yourself and the world a little better, you might just find that sex for sex sake is not worth a hoot...There is no value in it...It is a chemical reaction...once the chemicals have been released and then fade...as they say "the thrill is gone"....I have said this over and over again- never get intimate with a person you do not love..cos you get dragged down to a level even animals are above..as for porn....most of it is not artistic or healthy...From what I see with today's digital porn is that it is an exercise in abuse...one human being abusing another...as Doll Eyes likes to say "I don't see the point"....Love and honesty and commitment is what it's all about...without that the relationship is EMPTY...no one wants empty.
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Old 11-24-2012, 08:09 PM
 
Location: In a house
13,253 posts, read 37,896,529 times
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I tend to think in less complex terms on this subject:

I think it's 100% possible to be gay, but be disinterested in sex. You can be sexually attracted to someone - that is to say, have an uncontrollable sexual response of your sex organs, while your mind and thought processes register - disinterest, or even revulsion.

I think it's possible to be heterosexual, have no problem with the idea of orgasm, but not want to have sex with another person.

Being *attracted* to someone sexually, is the body's response to human existence. Humans are social creatures and are drawn to each other as a part of our physiology and psychology, combined.

Wanting to actually -do- something about the physical attraction, is another matter entirely, and involves far more than simple physical sexual response. Desire and attraction are not always combined. "This guy is hot" isn't the same thing as "I can imagine this guy on top of me."

And neither are the same thing as "my body wants an orgasm, and so I will ensure that it gets one."

And none of the above are the same as "I want a companion, someone who will love me and who I can love."

It's great, when you can combine all three - have someone you are attracted to, who you desire, and who will provide you with an orgasm, and who will love you and you can love and be your companion.

But these things don't always fit together and I don't see anything wrong with the idea that only one or two of the things are what someone is feeling. It's how they feel. It's not invalid. It's a valid feeling.
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Old 11-24-2012, 08:35 PM
 
Location: New Jersey
8,712 posts, read 10,315,213 times
Reputation: 7553
Quote:
Originally Posted by AnonChick View Post
I tend to think in less complex terms on this subject:

I think it's 100% possible to be gay, but be disinterested in sex. You can be sexually attracted to someone - that is to say, have an uncontrollable sexual response of your sex organs, while your mind and thought processes register - disinterest, or even revulsion.

I think it's possible to be heterosexual, have no problem with the idea of orgasm, but not want to have sex with another person.

Being *attracted* to someone sexually, is the body's response to human existence. Humans are social creatures and are drawn to each other as a part of our physiology and psychology, combined.

Wanting to actually -do- something about the physical attraction, is another matter entirely, and involves far more than simple physical sexual response. Desire and attraction are not always combined. "This guy is hot" isn't the same thing as "I can imagine this guy on top of me."

And neither are the same thing as "my body wants an orgasm, and so I will ensure that it gets one."

And none of the above are the same as "I want a companion, someone who will love me and who I can love."

It's great, when you can combine all three - have someone you are attracted to, who you desire, and who will provide you with an orgasm, and who will love you and you can love and be your companion.

But these things don't always fit together and I don't see anything wrong with the idea that only one or two of the things are what someone is feeling. It's how they feel. It's not invalid. It's a valid feeling.

Right. this is the crux of asexuality (for lack of a better term) whether that's the OP's issue or not, who knows? But there's a big difference between sexual attraction and libido & I beleive most people think they're all the same thing.
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Old 11-25-2012, 05:24 PM
 
Location: Cushing OK
14,545 posts, read 18,253,157 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnonChick View Post
I tend to think in less complex terms on this subject:

I think it's 100% possible to be gay, but be disinterested in sex. You can be sexually attracted to someone - that is to say, have an uncontrollable sexual response of your sex organs, while your mind and thought processes register - disinterest, or even revulsion.

I think it's possible to be heterosexual, have no problem with the idea of orgasm, but not want to have sex with another person.

Being *attracted* to someone sexually, is the body's response to human existence. Humans are social creatures and are drawn to each other as a part of our physiology and psychology, combined.

Wanting to actually -do- something about the physical attraction, is another matter entirely, and involves far more than simple physical sexual response. Desire and attraction are not always combined. "This guy is hot" isn't the same thing as "I can imagine this guy on top of me."

And neither are the same thing as "my body wants an orgasm, and so I will ensure that it gets one."

And none of the above are the same as "I want a companion, someone who will love me and who I can love."

It's great, when you can combine all three - have someone you are attracted to, who you desire, and who will provide you with an orgasm, and who will love you and you can love and be your companion.

But these things don't always fit together and I don't see anything wrong with the idea that only one or two of the things are what someone is feeling. It's how they feel. It's not invalid. It's a valid feeling.
Something I've observed when people talk about their favorite heart trob is its often someone who in real life you'd find somewhere else to go if they were in the room. Its the lure of danger and those out of your normal zone, and frequently the wounded. The classic brooding male loner if often fantasized about, but in real life its not going to go so well. We like different, in terms of excitement. Perhaps it is evolutionary, since a mating of someone different more than likely meant he was from a different place and had different genes, and the encouragement of diversity is built in.

But when it comes right down to it, many other things matter a lot more. People who are more driven sexually will have encounters with this fantasy person, but thats it. When we get to where we want *home* we look for other things.

Two good bits of advise I read on lasting personal attachment are so true. One, would you want this person as a friend? If you wouldn't then after the big fireworks your not going to be so happy, since being able to a friend to your mate, and care, is the glue. The other many of both sexes and orientations don't consider. Do I like he/she right now, just as they are and can I accept them that way? Do I feel I have to 'fix' a few things to get there? Thing is, you can't fix. They are as they are and they are what you get.

One can want to share intimacy because of some biological urge, or because its a deep expression of love, but the second only happens when the love is there. A fantasy can't love you. I think that the op is not alone in there being more than you'd expect in both gay and straight orientation who set aside the fantasy as what it is.
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Old 11-26-2012, 08:30 AM
 
Location: Missouri, USA
4,992 posts, read 3,258,177 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Doll Eyes View Post
Right. this is the crux of asexuality (for lack of a better term) whether that's the OP's issue or not, who knows? But there's a big difference between sexual attraction and libido & I beleive most people think they're all the same thing.
True.

I'm a confident heterosexual who's never had sex though. I simply don't have the urge to do anything more than the "slam, bam, thank you mam," thing with anyone who is not proud of their individuality and intelligence...and even that's not that strong really, unless they are. It's more like..."Yeah...okay, that'd be nice...just so long as you don't want me to do any work for it." If they are proud of their individuality and intelligence, the enthusiasm increases quite a bit. Actually, I'm somewhat repulsed by the thought of getting into any kind of long term commitment with someone who is not proud of their individuality and intelligence...and have thought some of the similar thoughts about that as the OP has thought about sex. I think I can relate to the guy too.

So, there are lots of options too, not necessarily related to orientation. (emphasis on not saying he isn't an asexual either though)

Last edited by Clintone; 11-26-2012 at 10:00 AM..
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Old 11-26-2012, 10:05 AM
 
Location: Missouri, USA
4,992 posts, read 3,258,177 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Clintone View Post
True.

I'm a confident heterosexual who's never had sex though. I simply don't have the urge to do anything more than the "slam, bam, thank you mam," thing with anyone who is not proud of their individuality and intelligence...and even that's not that strong really, unless they are. It's more like..."Yeah...okay, that'd be nice...just so long as you don't want me to do any work for it." If they are proud of their individuality and intelligence, the enthusiasm increases quite a bit. Actually, I'm somewhat repulsed by the thought of getting into any kind of long term commitment with someone who is not proud of their individuality and intelligence...and have thought some of the similar thoughts about that as the OP has thought about sex. I think I can relate to the guy too.

So, there are lots of options too, not necessarily related to orientation. (emphasis on not saying he isn't an asexual either though)
He could have a niche he's into...something comforting and mutually supportive, but still be gay, or one of countless other options. The OP may have a lot more noble of an internal drive than the rest of us lowly apes who want looks, or myself who doesn't care so much whether or not she's a sociopath, so long as she's proud of it, and has a few higher I.Q. points than most persons.

You're still competing with Oleg Bach and Doll Eyes, but you're probably vastly superior to most of us. We wanna do stuff like impregnate random people and leave...or are attracted to someone because of the car they own. We'll probably attempt to destroy you for being evil or something. Enjoy.

Last edited by Clintone; 11-26-2012 at 10:39 AM..
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Old 11-26-2012, 12:18 PM
 
Location: "Daytonnati"
4,245 posts, read 6,191,926 times
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Quote:
One, would you want this person as a friend? If you wouldn't then after the big fireworks your not going to be so happy, since being able to a friend to your mate, and care, is the glue. The other many of both sexes and orientations don't consider. Do I like he/she right now, just as they are and can I accept them that way? Do I feel I have to 'fix' a few things to get there? Thing is, you can't fix. They are as they are and they are what you get.
Excellent.
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Old 11-26-2012, 01:40 PM
 
9,982 posts, read 7,075,219 times
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To the original poster:

There seems to be a disconnect between your visual appetites
and your ACTUAL appetites. What you're doing is unhealthy and
should not continue.
I also wonder if you are truly homosexual, since you are turned off
by the homosexual act when you are a participant.
Know there is a major difference between visual stimulation and
healthy sexual expression/pleasure. Think about it.
The fact that you find the male body visually stimulating but the
female body not so, does not mean that you would reject the female
body in the same way you currently reject the male (in the act).
Have you ever been in bed with a woman and the lights turned off ?
Think more about this true physical feeling, de-emphasize the visual
for a while. You obviously need a break from the visual, and need to
start considering alternatives, one of which is heterosexual intimacy.
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Old 11-26-2012, 01:59 PM
 
7,100 posts, read 24,965,535 times
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There are many, both male and female, that have low or non-existent sex drive. This does not mean that they are homosexual.

Very few men would find a female interesting enough to be friends with and dump male company. The male enjoys being social with other men. Females enjoy being socialable with other females. It doesn't have a thing to do with sex.

The minds work differently. Conversations are different. Attitudes are different. Interests are usually different too. What would you talk about???

When you combine these differences with a lower sex drive, you have the person that isn't seeking a sexual "thrill". I supect that it would not be at all strange for such a person to find the sex act unpleasant or disgusting.
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Old 11-26-2012, 03:09 PM
 
Location: Cushing OK
14,545 posts, read 18,253,157 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Padgett2 View Post
There are many, both male and female, that have low or non-existent sex drive. This does not mean that they are homosexual.

Very few men would find a female interesting enough to be friends with and dump male company. The male enjoys being social with other men. Females enjoy being socialable with other females. It doesn't have a thing to do with sex.

The minds work differently. Conversations are different. Attitudes are different. Interests are usually different too. What would you talk about???

When you combine these differences with a lower sex drive, you have the person that isn't seeking a sexual "thrill". I supect that it would not be at all strange for such a person to find the sex act unpleasant or disgusting.
Either I'm unusual, but I'm female and have had few female friends. Most have been guys. And they are *friends*, not wanna be bed partners. The women friends I have are very independent types who also tend to have men friends. I find most women annoying. If I'm on a board where I've never said, most just assume I'm male.

I find lots of things to talk about with guys. And with women friends. Often its the same things. I find women often have the same interests as men as well.

Maybe the most male of males can't relate to women except in bed and the most female of women can't relate to men except for social 'responsibilities', but these are the pat answer. We are all a scale between in cultural terms. This doesn't mean we are interested in sleeping with anyone, or one sex or the other either.

There are also great differences between fantasy and reality. A lot of women (and men I suppose) fantasize about sex in ways they actually have no interest in trying, (witness the popularity of the new bondage book) and yet there is a big space between what is done as a fantasy and what happens in reality.
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