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Old 10-08-2012, 05:38 PM
 
285 posts, read 1,059,161 times
Reputation: 188

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I had recently (last week) suffered of what I think was an anxiety attack at work.
My chest started to have a little tension at work but I just ignored but I didnt want to tell my manager because I didnt want to make a big deal out of nothing. But all of a sudden like 10 minutes later my chest started to get really tense and then I started to breath harder, and I was having heart palpitations as well. So I decided to go tell my manager and she asked if she should call 911, and I said go ahead because I would rather be safe then sorry. So she told me to go to the back and drink water. When the ambulance and firefighters came, the pain in my chest started to subside but then I was feeling very lightheaded and I started to have numbness (tingly sensation). So they decided to take me to the hospital. When I was in the ambulance the tingly sensation started to get worse to the point I couldnt move. As I arrived in the room in the ER they've take blood from me and an x-ray and theyve said everything was fine, but they still want me to go to my regular doctors office to check up on me. So that is why I think it was a random anxiety attack. The last time Ive had this experience was almost 10 years ago when I was 12. It was scary and it felt like I was going to die.
So I havent been diagnoised with anxiety but I wouldnt be surprised, I do have to admit its kind of difficult for me to relax, I just dont know how to relax!

Ive been taking my Bupropion (Wellbutrin) since March of this year (7months) for my ADD and my depression symptoms.

Before when I was taking Bupropion I was experiencing these thing below

Apathy/Numb feeling no emotion when Im at home
but a little happy to see customers at my job but just a little bit Im still shy but I will smile at them and ask them how are they doing, yet I dont really like deep down when they ask me how im doing I just put on a smile and fake it and block how im really feeling!

VERY absentminded (IDK if its my ADD most likely I think it is)
Low self esteem
Low Confidence
Isolation ( I dont have alot of friends the ones I know they moved out of state, so I have no friends in this state)
Irritated easily like I didnt feel like being bothered, but yet I want a friend but I feel if I spend to much time I want to be by myself I guess because Im so use to be alone all the time
Low energy
Tired all the time
No appetite
self image issues
At times I get happy but then going back to being dull
( I dont feel and look attractive at all even though some people think Im cute) but ive never had boyfriend I never had a girlfriend even though Im gay no one has ever asked me out or anything)
Insomia
Social anxiety
Brain Fog also feeling like Im just a brick wall

Doubtful
Lazy
Helpless
Feeling not smart


I would at times think to myself whats the point of living and stressing out over things when we are going to die anyways (into the next lifetime)

So yeah my doctor decided to put me on a antidepressant!

So Ive taking it for months now and it has worked for the depression symptoms however not for the ADD



But now recently
I honestly dont see myself living for a long time, I have to be honest I dont know why Im having this thout but thats how I feel. I guess for one thing I feel weak minded and also when I get older I dont want to get sick and suffer.

I honestly really want to cry at times, but I cant!

Even though I am taking an antidepressant for about 7 months now, I havent been really diagnoised with depression (Manic, Dysthymia, or seasonal) but my file said Unspecified Depression!

I have honestly thought about suicide but not attempted it, but it was a long time ago like 3 years ago!

I do think about death but isnt everyone thinking about what happens when we die? or is it just me?
Because I just find it interesting because its such a mystery.

Its hard feeling like this and also having ADHD-(Inattentive) but school was pretty tough for me, I graduated, but I dont feel smart, its really hard for me to articulate my thoughts and I do have expressive and receptive issues when talking, now you understand why I dont really talk to people I end up looking stupid thats why I stay quiet with a group of people, yet a part of me wants to say hi to people.

I dont think its the only cause I think part of it has to do of how I was raised!

I was born and raised as a jehovahs and baptized at the age of 14.
My dad has ben an elder for a long time, but I want to leave the JW organization because Im gay and plus I dont believe in what they teach. But I've been attracted to men as long as I can remember, Ive always liked guys, I liked a couple of girls too back then but only literally like 2 and it was in elementary school . If I had to identify my sexuality back then it would be bisexual, but I like guys. I want to be with a guy and I see myself with a guy not a women, however I will be friends with them of course!

The reasons I got baptized was because mostly I thought it would cure me for being gay (obviously that didnt work) and my mother kept on "encourage" me to get baptized, so I also did it to shut her up, plus my sister was doing it as well.

I came out to my dad first when I was 16, as bisexual for a "front" even though I knew I just liked men, he was sad and understood, but he also asked me if I still wanted to be a jehovahs witness and I said No. I caught him crying but that evening we were both playing Nintendo Wii and so I though everything was cool yet he said he wont talk this over with my mom. But then 2 months later my dad had a bible study and one part mention about homosexuality and he said things I didnt like, so the next day at school I sent him a long text telling him I didnt appreciate it and that you were attacking......etc and then he txt back "We will talk about this at home" So basically I came out as gay. He didnt take it well and he said that I will be destroyed in "Armageddon" with the rest of the people gays and people who arent jehovahs witness.


I came out to my mom and my sister my senior year my mom didnt take it well either, but my sister accepted me because she was having a baby out of wedlock and can understand and relate to what I was going through a little bit. Yet my sister and I dont get along alot, we are different people!

But my mom was worse after I came out to her she said that she knew and then told me her opinion and said that she cant accept me. Thats why I wanted to kill myself that night I will never forget it! I wanted to either overdose, or stop breathing until I pass out. I know its disturbing but I have to get out.

Its hard being a young youth being raised as a jehovahs witness, my classmates in high wouldnt know what I have to go through

I couldnt celebrate birthdays and holidays,
I couldnt go to prom and homecoming
Couldnt see rated R movies
Couldnt smoke or drink alcohol (even though I dont like to smoke)
Couldnt say the pledge of alligence
Couldnt participate during high school pep ralleys (but I went anyways)
I couldnt really hang out with people after school
I couldnt have them over to my house because they werent jehovahs witness!
I didnt go to parties even though I wasnt invited either
I have a very lonely life, I guess its why I have a hard time making and keeping friends


Now this year I was going to leave and fly to Los Angeles to go to school and to live at a LGBT Transitional housing shelter so I can go to school, because I would love to live in LA and be with people like me. But I declined on it because I only had almost $4,000 and that wouldnt work out. I wouldnt have any money.

So I decided to stay here in ATL only to get therapy mentally because I need it. Plus to know how to deal with my parents.
Just now my dad told me that I need to go to the kingdom hall (church) theyre jehovahs witness, but I dont want to be a jehovahs witness anymore so I havent gone in a long time. Since Thanksgiving 2011 to be exact.
I really dont want to go, but my dad is so forceful and so controlling that its actually quite intimidating.
I thought of a plan that I go to another kingdom hall and have my card there and not go, that way my parents wont nag me.
So far its working Im going to go to church of and on but eventually not go and send in my letter to Disassociate myself!

but it was horrible emotionally, they would force me to go to church and keep on controlling me.


I think I have a small to moderate addiction to gay porn now because since I couldnt hang out with LGBT people and couldnt watch TV shows on coming of age as a gay person, I saw a pop up and it was a gay guy, so I would pleasure myself (masturbate) because it feels like I couldnt be myself accept on the computer laptop! Even though they say men in general look at porn I look at it everyday and I think its a problem I dont want to watch porn all the time, but I just can stop I look at it like everyday.

Even though I am very attracted to guys, Im afraid that im not going like the lifestyle,also the sex even though I would want too. Im not however attracted to women at all, I would totally be friends with girls and would rather be friends with girls because I get SO nervous talking to guys.

Even though I say that Im comfortable with me liking I guys I still dont feel comfortable.

I dont know what it is. I dont know how to love and have that love to a person, I dont have the feeling and I want to have that feeling of love desparately.

Plus Im not good at anything Ive tried a lot of things that im interested and I dont have any talents. Im to the point that I want to learn candle magic and try to envoke God or Gods spirits to give me a dream of what Im good at! So I can succeed and be happy.


I dont know how to describe my personality its very mix and I feel like its very complex, I feel like I have personalities within me! I guess since I really couldnt express myself I'll tell you what my personalities are

Personality#1
very nice and kind helpful to the best of my abilities and with that also I get shy and have social anxiety! Loyal and very friendly but very insecure! Try to be positive and be happy and I smile a lot (people like my smile) Obedient and a little bit of a follower and feels disconnected with in life and I feel absent minded, even though I have ADD


Personality #2
Another part of me is what I call crazy but I just imagine stuff I feel mentally unstable for example
When I watch Harry Potter I pretend that Im really there and fight against the death eaters or would pretend that I had supernatural powers when watching the X-Men or
Harry Potter! lol It seems funny as I write this but its true I do it and I think its weird.
I would pretend and imagine that I am in a relationship with certain celebrities or a certain crush I have but then snap out of it and back to the real world
A little aggressive (not violent) but, tell it like it is attitude, very blunt and a little jealous, but never show it, and a little obsessive.

Personality #3
Another personality of me is apathetic, gloomy, and a little cold hearted, like when my dad asked if I will take care of him when he gets old, and I didnt say anything, I really don't want to, I prefer him and my mom to live in a small 1 story house in a gated community for seniors, that way my parents can still be independent but looked after as well. So that they are really not alone, and I visit them if I feel like it!

I dont love my parents, but deep down I do, but I feel like I cant love I dont have that feeling of loving anymore!
I mean my parents dont approve of me being gay, plus I dont want to be in the same religion they're (jehovahs witness) and since i dont want to be a JW they have to cut ties with me, its in the religion policy that when someone gets excommunicated or disassociate themselves, the people in the congregation cant and or wont talk to you
whether you're friends or families and relatives by blood!


But to tell you the truth my parents havent told me that they loved me in a long time but even though they do, they never show it! I feel the same way with all my family!

They pretend that I didnt tell them I was gay they dont talk about it and avoid it.

I am sure that at least 50% of my personality woes are because of the religious upbringing I had, and I was lonely all the time and Ive always kept my opinions to myself and would follow orders! Plus the fear of my religion when I was younger and still to this day honestly.

I feel like a mess, just a complete mess, this why I dont want a boyfriend and a friend because they wouldnt want to hear this, sad but true!

I really want to leave this house but I dont have enough money, I do have enough money but it wouldnt last and I dont want to ask them. Because what I plan on doing is to get my degree in a Associates of Art degree and intern and then move to LA and work at another casting agency so that way I while I am here I can get experience at a casting agency so i can put it on my resume and look for a job in casting in LA. Because in LA they will not hire if you dont have any experience in any career.

I would move to Chicago, because I was born there and I can live in my grandmothers Co-op building downtown and I could live there, I would just need to pay utilities and thats it. However Chicago isnt a really big TV/Film place like LA or NYC! : (

I DONT WANT TO LIVE HERE IN ATL anymore! But yeah

I feel mentally unstable, what is wrong with me?

Do I have a certain type of anxiety or depression? Because I have issues
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Old 10-09-2012, 08:25 AM
 
Location: Kansas
19,184 posts, read 15,740,065 times
Reputation: 18313
You need to see your physician. You need a really good mental health professional to help you sort all of this out and also make sure you are being properly medicated. I have seen people with mental health issues who were improperly medicated and it is a bad situation. Saw them when the meds were right and it was a miracle to see them in balance. Some meds can cause suicidal thoughts but others here can give you better direction on that. ALWAYS do research on the meds that you take online so that you understand ALL of the side effects even though left off the paper they bagged your prescription with since they do not include ALL side effects experienced by everyone. If you get more involved in living your life, you may think less about death. I think your life can have a positive outcome so hang in there until you find the right help and I am sure that help is out there.
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Old 10-15-2012, 07:05 AM
 
Location: Mokena, Illinois
947 posts, read 2,164,045 times
Reputation: 634
First off, I am truly sorry that you are miserable in your own skin. It sounds like you are conflicted in every aspect of your life. Medications are tools you can use to regulate the chemical imbalances in your brain, but the patterns of thought that are creating such turmoil inside you need to be addressed by intensive therapy. There is a lifetime of oppression, guilt, etc. that need to be restructured for you to be able to move on.

I seriously urge you to find out what your insurance will cover and research your options. There are outpatients services called intensive outpatient or partial hosptialization programs where you go after work several times a week for a few months. A psychiatrist manages your medications and you will go through therapy with a one-on-one and also in groups. With what you are dealing with, once a week therapy would not be enough. If you have no insurance, go through the county mental health agencies, but I am not sure they have the programs I am discussing here.
If you have pervasive thoughts of suicide, go to your nearest emergency room and they will give you a mental health screening and set you up with referrals or inpatient treatment if you meet criteria.
You seriously lack support and need to find it. There is an organization called NAMI-look up their website and they can direct you to help in your area. Also consider finding a gay support group to help you deal with the issues of your sexuality. I am sure you can research one near you by going online.
Good luck to you.
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Old 10-15-2012, 11:45 AM
 
Location: Mokena, Illinois
947 posts, read 2,164,045 times
Reputation: 634
Here is the NAMI site:
NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness - Mental Health Support, Education and Advocacy

Please check it out.
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Old 07-01-2013, 06:07 AM
 
1 posts, read 15,774 times
Reputation: 15
Your symptoms sound like what use to happen to my wife. The anxiety, tingly sensation and much of the other. I know most may not agree, but my wife has been on many different anti-depressants and they were all garbage (15 yrs of it). She has been completely off of them now for about three years and she is doing much better. Many anti-depressants have the same side effects of what they are meant to treat. As far as being gay and issues with religion...you are normal and ok. Religion and society attempt to put boundaries on everyone. You think for yourself and do what is right for you. I would not have said that 20 years ago....but it took some time for me to understand a few things and grow up. We are all miracles including you my friend...exactly the way you are. Hang in there, your parents will love you no matter what...it is wired into us. They will want to fix you though...you have to let them know your not broken you just haven't found the right path for yourself yet. I would love my son no less if he were gay, though I would try to talk him out of a difficult life (I can only guess...being gay is tough, if it wasn't there would be no need to be "in the closet"). There is a hippy/scientist I find interesting. I by no means condone his zeal for drugs...but he has some very interesting view points. Look up Terence McKenna and research what he says about boundaries...don't do drugs though. I don't know you but if you need to hear it from someone who is a father..."I love you and I'm proud of you". Now get focused and go get that degree you talked about. Your porn addiction is not great, but I'll tell you a secret most people don't know. Almost everyone has an odd compulsion or secret they wouldn't want others to know about. Why do you think the porn industry is so large to begin with. Find yourself, no one can define you, but you and the cool thing is...there are no wrong answers.
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Old 12-19-2017, 10:38 AM
 
1 posts, read 3,725 times
Reputation: 10
I feel the same way but I wasn't raised by a very religious family and I'm also not gay. That being said everything else is exactly the same.
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Old 12-24-2017, 07:47 PM
 
16,332 posts, read 7,984,262 times
Reputation: 15700
Wellbutrin is known to cause anxiety. ADs are a crapshoot. They have no test to say 'You need more norepinephrine'. Or serotonin. In fact, the theory that a lack in such chemicals being the cause of clinical depression is just that - an unproven theory.
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