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Old 10-12-2012, 09:34 PM
Location: Cushing OK
14,545 posts, read 18,253,157 times
Reputation: 16829


I'm bp2, not medicated. I shift every other day, but mildly without stress and meds. Meds overreact on me. All of them, psych or other. Or do nothing at all, since my digestion and absorbstion is so messed up from a few major surgical changes. So I know if one days a good one I'll be a bit funky the next. But I've learned behavoral ways, like using the things music and specific types of music trigger to up a down mood. Works way better than pills. And I can't tolerate the side effects anyway.

But when something happens that is bigger, and I get really down, its hard. I'll use something like valerian root to stop a crash, but still sit and stew. The somethings are usually real things, and then trigger my panic impulse, and it goes downhill from there. Last one was the reup letter from social security which started the what if cascade. I have had times when I didn't have a home, and the fear of that other shoe will never ever leave.

But I just let the mood run. I was depressed and could feel that trace of panic waiting for a way back in. I was depressed about how life just hadn't gone as I wished it had, all those things that could have been done differently, starting way back with high school and when the family moved next to the number two toxic waste dump in the country (we didn't know, nobody had to tell us) which resulted in progressive colitus and seven years very sick/stuck at home while other people went on with life. I was mad. I'd had such good dreams, and most of them went nowhere, between that and the emergence of the bp. Along the way, with all this rumbling around in my head, I wasn't getting anything done. I'm working on my house, and normally enjoy it. That didn't even make me happy. I used the work needed I can't do which is in the 'soon' catagory (and has been for awhile) as a why bother.

And then, time passed and the sky not fallen in, I can't quite describe it, but ... something changed. I got up and made a list of the stuff that I *can* do... and while much of the 'needed' is still waiting on other work, no more excuse. And its something I like. I really enjoy it. I'm not going to rush, but I will enjoy putting together my shelf and the like. (Especially putting all the books on it...).

But more than that, there is an odd feeling. There is more. I don't know what it is, but there is more waiting, good things. Tomorrow doesn't have to be today. Tomorrow is what comes but it's also what you choose to make of it. I know I'll have my moods, but then there are gifts too. And in the end what makes life improve is not in a pill or a book or a doctrine, but you...in that head and in those things which maybe you don't even have words for.

Not much has changed, except when I get up I don't have to fight off the wish to go back to bed. I still have to address certain physical problems, but they aren't going to dissapear and you just do your best. And while I can't say why, since I can't do it in words, I know that dropping into gloom is not the way. Life gives you what it gives you, good and bad, and sometimes how they come out depends far more on what you do about it than anything else.

Reaffirming that had made me see things in a different light.
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Old 10-14-2012, 02:38 PM
Location: Kansas
19,184 posts, read 15,778,393 times
Reputation: 18313
I was glad to read a post with a happy ending. I am glad that whatever happened to get you moving forward has happened. We all look back on our failures and things we wish we would have done/should have done but you have to find a way to let it go or you never move forward and looks like you found it. Time is so precious and you realize it more and more as you age. So much to do and so many possibilities.
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Old 10-15-2012, 12:36 AM
Location: Cushing OK
14,545 posts, read 18,253,157 times
Reputation: 16829
That's true. I've been thinking what I need to do and want to do, and have decided one thing I can do soon, because I'm tired of being behind this mask I feel like I'm wearing. I'm wiccan and don't celebrate Christmas unless its with family, but I do Yule. Most people wouldn't be able to tell the difference in decorations, but I plan to put up a Happy Yule display. I'm doing a Yellow candle for the window (window art) and such too. Its seemed rather a dead time, but I'm going to make this one step.

It's so wierd since I really can't describe the feeling, but then I do that all the time, put stuff I'm chewing over in the back ground and then, boom, they pop out.

I suppose if I wasn't bp and hadn't probably made some of the mistakes I have, I'd be more conventionally successful, but honestly, I have come to understand and value who I AM, even if its not the norm, and the differences which make us different and other enabled. In a *good* way.

I think ultimately we have to accept ourselves as who we are, not wish we weren't and see that for every supposed negative there is a light shining too. I plan to live 'forward' now, not forgetting, but taking it as a new turn in a long road.
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