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Old 10-20-2012, 10:34 PM
 
77 posts, read 162,527 times
Reputation: 74

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Ok, this is going to be long, sorry about that.

Since I was a kid I always had problems expressing my sexuality, the way I acted as a woman, the way I wanted to look, if attractive or not, the way I was with guys, etc. I always thought that I should repress all of that, because there was something inside me that told me it was 'wrong' and made me very depressed. Sometimes I 'got ready', I felt ugly because I just chose the first thing I saw but I wasn't able to have time for me to look pretty or sexy, I just had to look 'decent'.

And I didn't know why, I was in therapy for some time but we never talked about this, my psychologist always told me that I had problems with my sexuality, not only the sexual part, but the whole role as a woman. These days, I dno't know why, I started to remember the things that happened at home when I was a child, and I started to think maybe it was one of the reasons, because all started to make sense, why I was so embarrased about feeling physical attraction for someone, about feeling in love, about expressing feelings and emotions to a man, and about the way I look, I mean, wearing make up, or dresses (I don't wear dresses) and looking sexy. I thought/ think all of that was bad, impure. Maybe it sounds unbelievable but it is the truth. I think it was wrong, but not traumatic, so I think this affected the way I see these things but maybe there's something more.

I remember when I was a kid, he made fun about women, women who suffered for a man, women who felt excited ebcause they were going to see their men, women who flirt with a man, women who express romantic feelings to a man, women who get ready to see a man. He used to laughed at them a lot, and he used a very offensive word. He ridiculed what they did, he said they were such s l u t s. I remember his sick smile or his laughter when he imitated what they said: 'oh yes I'm going to see him'.

He also made fun about my aunt, she had problems with her husband, (dad's brother), he was seeing another woman and abviously it made suffer a lot to my aunt, my dad made fun of her, imitating her : "don't you think I'm not siffering?" said my dad laughing, referring to my aunt. I don't know if this was to make my mom angry, because she got really angry when he started talking like dad, when my mom said that other woman was a sl*t, my dad dedfended her a lot, and I know he didn't like my mom called her that way. It was confusing because he called like that to every woman, and he defended the only one woman who could be called like that, -not for being a prostitute but for being in the middle of that marriage, no offense.- He sometimes even call my mom that way, he used to tell me: and the sl*t woman?" He didn't say that word, he used a non well known synonymous, when I asked my mom what it meant, she said: "that's the word they used to describe the dirty women who work in the streets", but she was smiling! I don't know it she was nervous or something, but she didn't look angry. She also said that women who express their sexuality in any way were such sl*ts, she said it was wrong, dirty, she said that with such perversion, that it was very awkward for me and disgusting to see. She always told me the idea men were lustful: "they know when a girl is not a virgin, and if you are not a virgin they are not going to love you", (I know it sounds like the last century but what can I do) I felt like I was an object and I had to keep happy to those men and it depressed me a lot. She talked a lot about older men, she said they were disgusting, perverted, lustful, so I imagined them smiling with the same sick smile of my dad. It was so disgusting.

My mom also had no idea how to tell my dad she wanted to have sex! It was very disgusting, sometimes she didn't wear underwear, she had pants, not skirts thanks God, but it was horrible, I could hear the conversation with my dad, and he called her the s word, she smiled nervously, she definetly looked happy, and again that morbid smile. I hated it so much. One time my dad was in bed, and my mom next to him sitting in a chair, and he moved his foot and started to caress my mom's crotch, it was SO disgusting to see. She knew I was there and she didn't do anything, she again smiling like pervertedly.

The relationship between them was very sick, my dad had always the authority, he was very controling, I couldn't say 'no' to my mom in front of my dad because there was a big consequence, sometimes he yelled at us, sometimes he hit us. I remember one time when he hit me with his belt, the bruise took weeks to disappear, my mom said: "that was because you behaved badly, if you had been a good girl, your dad hadn't hit you." I hated to hear that. Other time my mom showed me her cheek, it was all purpple, my dad had hit her, she was 'angry', and 'cursing' to my dad. She couldn't even say anything, she said some softs 'curses' to him, she semeed powerless and very upset. My dad was not at home, when he came back, my mom started to act again like dad's puppet.

So in my family everything was dirty and had a sexual connotation since that was wrong, showing that kind of things made you dirty a sl*t.

When I want to get ready and look pretty is fine, when I want to look sexy, I feel I'm a w*ore, there's a friend who takes pictures, you know, and all my friends have, but I can't because he is going to ask me to be a little sexy and even if I want to, I'm not going to be able to do it. In pictures or be sexy for a guy to see you is like laughable for me.

So I think maybe that helped the fact that I'm terrified about men right now, I'm 25 and I still can have a relatinship because I know caressing, physical contact would be implicit, and since I don't want to show my feelings, being romantic or let someone know that I feel physically attracted to him I don't date anyone. Plus, when someone get close or kisses me I find it, if not disgusting, indifferent. There was this guy who wanted to see me this last vacation, I liked him a lot, but when he hugged me I was an ice, like I don't want him to know that I want the same than him because he's going to make fun of me, he's going to be aggressive, ridicule me in front of others and those things. I have no problem showing I care about someone, but I can't let someone know that I feel attracted or that I have some kind of sexual interest.

When I lived with my parents I was very manipulable by them, I had depression and anxiety problems, I didn't know who I was, and this caused me a lot of pain but I didn't know why. Now I think it makes some sense but I'm not sure.

I think what I lived with my family was wrong but I don't think it was traumatic, so maybe, maybe not, it has something to do with how I see the things right now.

If someone ever reads this I'm going to appreciate an advice.
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Old 10-20-2012, 10:37 PM
 
35,107 posts, read 42,149,571 times
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Find a good therapist and start blogging or writing in journals, it really does help a lot.
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Old 10-21-2012, 11:59 AM
 
4,762 posts, read 11,671,942 times
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Yes your family did a number on you and caused a lot of damage.

With that said, it can be good to look back in a person's history to see what the causes are of a particular problem.

However, I feel there should be a LIMIT to living in the past, blaming others, and dwelling on your problems...

Rather I feel it is best to DROP the past, and start your new life now. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Live it to the fullest! It is YOUR life, not anyone else's. So go have fun, dress pretty, put on makeup, wear a dress, and if that makes you a sl**, so what?

I would just consider that as being a normal woman however.

A real sl** in my book is a woman who sleeps with hundreds of men. Anyone who comes along.

10 different men during a lifetime is just having different relationships in my book. And however many men a woman sleeps with is HER business!

Anyway nothing wrong with that.

So far as "fixing" the damage, there are professional psychologists called "Sexual Surrogates". Here is some reading on that...
Sexual surrogate - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Perhaps with a therapist like that, you could practice touching, kissing, saying you are attracted to him, etc. Then learn that you will not be made fun of nor ridiculed. All done in a therapeutic environment. You could take your time, months if you wanted, and not threatening.

You can also ask other women what they think about all this. As suggested above, forums like this could be a big help. Go over to relationships (or some other forum) and ask women how they feel about putting on makeup, wearing dresses, etc.

You will learn this is just a normal thing for women to do.

And being a man, I must admit to you that I get in trouble with women because I don't notice their new dress, their make-up, or their new hair style. They WANT me to notice!

Actually I played a little prank on my best friend. His wife had her hair all done up and he did not notice. He was in the "dog house" for several days because of that. And he told me about this. So I went to where she worked (to buy something) and I saw her. I said "I like your new hair style! It looks really nice!" (I would not have noticed it either had her husband not told me.) Anyway she got even more ticked at her husband because I "noticed" and he did not.

Another thing you can do is watch REAL prostitutes. Learn what they look like. You will quickly see the difference between them and regular women. Quite a difference! Here are a couple of videos...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hspx7mTyDcU

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NAXrBuO7ob4

Now look at the women at the following graduation party. Then look nice, tasteful (quite a difference!)...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wUhaYoJUdUU
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Old 10-21-2012, 08:11 PM
 
77 posts, read 162,527 times
Reputation: 74
Quote:
A real sl** in my book is a woman who sleeps with hundreds of men. Anyone who comes along.
Hello, Billy, thank you for commenting my post...
Yes, I know but I think it whas something to do with all the images and words I have in my mind that I saw and heard when I was a child, and it's incredible that it still is affecting me and it has affected me all of my life, I don't know how I came to this conclusion or why I started to remember all of these things, but after analyzing a little, I knew that THAT was what had caused me this feelings.


Quote:
So far as "fixing" the damage, there are professional psychologists called "Sexual Surrogates". Here is some reading on that...
Sexual surrogate - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
I think I saw this on natgeo, I had never heard anything about it but it sounds.. interesting.


Quote:
Actually I played a little prank on my best friend. His wife had her hair all done up and he did not notice. He was in the "dog house" for several days because of that. And he told me about this. So I went to where she worked (to buy something) and I saw her. I said "I like your new hair style! It looks really nice!" (I would not have noticed it either had her husband not told me.) Anyway she got even more ticked at her husband because I "noticed" and he did not.
Loooool you knew how to take advantage of the situation, poor your friend lol funny

Quote:
Another thing you can do is watch REAL prostitutes. Learn what they look like. You will quickly see the difference between them and regular women. Quite a difference! Here are a couple of videos...
Yes, I know everything is in my mind, but even I know that I am not that, I can't help feeling guilty or dirty or a bad person. I guess I have to keep talking about it to let all my thoughts come out, I think that would help a little. Why my dad did what he did, and my mom. I know it was not his fault and I dno't hate him or anything, but I think I do need to rememmber everything to see if that causes something in me and maybe that's the key to know why I've felt like this all of my life. Long journey. The videos of the prostitutes are very very sad, and I know I don't live like that but I can't help feeling like this.

I have to work on that and I will keep posting to feel better and always messages like this helped me a lot to keep analyzing things and to understand more, thank you so much.
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Old 10-22-2012, 11:51 AM
 
4,762 posts, read 11,671,942 times
Reputation: 7878
Note you can also "reprogram" your mind. That is to learn "reality" and what most other people actually think about the way you look when make-up, etc. is applied.

You could intentionally dress up to look like a prostitute. Too much makeup, long eyelashes, too short of a dress, hip boots. Then go out in public looking like that. Go to bars, the grocery store (where no one knows you), the library, walk down the street. See how other people react to you. What they say to you. Talk to other women looking like that. See how they react to you. (I'm not a female, but I would imagine other women would be "hateful" towards you looking like that?)

Then another time dress up like they are in the above graduation party video (nice - tasteful). Then go around to the same public places and see how people react to you.

Do that, then perhaps those "reality" experiences will "overwrite" the incorrect information in your mind? i.e. You will know from the responses you get when dressing nicely (like other women) that you look normal. And that it is ok.
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Old 10-29-2012, 07:48 PM
 
77 posts, read 162,527 times
Reputation: 74
Quote:
Note you can also "reprogram" your mind. That is to learn "reality" and what most other people actually think about the way you look when make-up, etc. is applied.
Yesw Billy, that's the big thing I have to do, and that could be a good idea, that will let me very clear the difference between a wh*re and me, but maybe I would have to deal with some mental issues, like even if I see that we are different, I would keep thinking that, for some reasons, we are the same. Maybe I should try and the result is much better than I think. Thank yo uBilly.
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Old 10-29-2012, 07:59 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
18,233 posts, read 18,815,911 times
Reputation: 45429
Good luck to you. I wish you well.
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