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Thank you. I believe my root problem is not accepting "the way life is." I see it as fundamentally not the "way it SHOULD be," and I know that is my ego talking, but it has a will and mind of its own.
I wish I could be more accepting and "roll with the punches," but when the punches just about knock you out, how do you "embrace them" and then move on?
I think it has a lot to do with all the "self-help" articles, TV shows, etc. Everywhere we turn, seems we're being innundated with advice. We're not OK the way we are, we must lose weight, repair wrinkles, be perfect parents, cook perfect, healthy meals, our finances are supposed to be always perfect, our credit score should be perfect, can't have zits, keep your LDL low and your HDL high (or is it the other way?), change your oil every 500 miles, get a colonoscopy, use only organic fertilizer, don't flush meds down the toilet, stock up for doomsday, .....
it goes on and on, to the point we feel worthless without a hope. we get burned out trying to "improve" our miserable lives. Some people never let up on themselves, some give up, some, just finally ignore all the BS and live for themselves............
I know what you mean about the constant fear. Five years ago my DH walked in and announced he was laid off from a job of 13 years. I literally felt the floor go out from under me. Now, every day, I feel a fear when he walks in. Was he laid off today? No, he's been steadily employed for many years, but I can't get past the fear that something will happen.
OP, you have to simply realize that stuff happens, and you can't control life. Just make sure to have contigency plans, then, enjoy living! A few words of wisdom that has helped me along the path:
--Worrying will kill you faster than anything---from my Grandfather, who lived to 98
--90% of the things you worry about never happen---from an elderly relative
--The birds of the air neither sow nor reap, yet they live---their Heavenly Father takes care of them---The Bible
I think it has a lot to do with all the "self-help" articles, TV shows, etc. Everywhere we turn, seems we're being innundated with advice. We're not OK the way we are, we must lose weight, repair wrinkles, be perfect parents, cook perfect, healthy meals, our finances are supposed to be always perfect, our credit score should be perfect, can't have zits, keep your LDL low and your HDL high (or is it the other way?), change your oil every 500 miles, get a colonoscopy, use only organic fertilizer, don't flush meds down the toilet, stock up for doomsday, .....
it goes on and on, to the point we feel worthless without a hope. we get burned out trying to "improve" our miserable lives. Some people never let up on themselves, some give up, some, just finally ignore all the BS and live for themselves............
I know what you mean about the constant fear. Five years ago my DH walked in and announced he was laid off from a job of 13 years. I literally felt the floor go out from under me. Now, every day, I feel a fear when he walks in. Was he laid off today? No, he's been steadily employed for many years, but I can't get past the fear that something will happen.
OP, you have to simply realize that stuff happens, and you can't control life. Just make sure to have contigency plans, then, enjoy living! A few words of wisdom that has helped me along the path:
--Worrying will kill you faster than anything---from my Grandfather, who lived to 98
--90% of the things you worry about never happen---from an elderly relative
--The birds of the air neither sow nor reap, yet they live---their Heavenly Father takes care of them---The Bible
$**T Happens!
I hope you find some peace
What a terrific post! I, for one, believe that bad things will happen ... they always do. I've come to expect them but during the time when everything is going along pretty smoothly, I just try and enjoy life. I don't wonder when the next shoe will drop. It's a waste of time and robs you of the joy of the good times. It also helps if, when life begins to unravel, you tell yourself that you can handle this and you'll figure things out. It does work.
IamCurious: The very fact that you were able to reach out to CArizona assured me that you aren't a lost soul. I have a habit of compartmentalizing things that make me sad or unsettled. I either carry them with me as pain and anxiety, or I take random opportunities to release tragic losses.
When I was around 35 (almost 20 years ago), my father decided he hadn't taken me on a trip in a long time, so he asked if I wanted to drive to Washington, DC with him. I asked if we could go to The Vietnam Memorial, Arlington National Cemetery, and the National Holocaust Museum.
I did ok at the first two, walking and looking, listening to the tour guides, etc. When I got to the Holocaust Museum, not only was I overwhelmed with ancestrial and personal history, I noticed that I was crying - hard - and remembering all those little compartments I had tucked away.
I was crying because a close friend had died a few years ago, because my favorite grandmother had passed away, because I had moved from a place I really liked to a place I hated, etc.
Even now and then, I'll have someone stop me in the grocery store and ask if I'm ok. When I ask why they asked, they say "Because you are crying." When I go to wipe my eyes, I realize I've literally been bawling .. and I didn't even know it.
Years ago my counselor stopped me from watching the news on tv because I was getting personally involved, especially when children were involved. We all react differently to stimuli. If you are having difficulty, consider talking to a therapist or counselor.
I hope this isn't rambling, I really hope this helped.
Yesterday, I awoke to a message about problems - I began to panic, thinking it was Christmas Eve, I had a ton of scheduled stuff to do and now would have to brainstorm and figure out difficult problems - all long distance - by the end of the day.
I made a couple of phone calls and got some people to assist me, thank God!
And I got super upset . . . the problems triggered a lot of old stuff . . . from bad holiday memories to you-name-it.
In the end, I just have very low tolerance for problems these days. I don't have the resiliency I once had.
On FB yesterday Eckhart Tolle had written that problems are there to teach us - I reviewed some of my recent problems and feel kind of dumb, because I can't figure out what the problems taught me except resentment . . .I don't see lessons in everything that has happened. I wish I did. I fear I may be dense in this respect.
I am fascinated in your response. There is nothing that I am so passionate about that offsets bad news related to people I care about. If you have a family, I am not sure how you are immune to this, but happy for you that you seem to be.
As an aside, your description of yourself immediately made me think of a Five on the Enneagram. Are you familiar with the Enneagram?
I don't know about the comment "bad news is only bad if you allow it to be" - if someone really believes this, then I would assume they wouldn't be able to differentiate between "good" and "bad" news . . .
No I'm not familiar with the Enneagram. Please explain. I want my 6 year old nephew to understand what you mean here when he reads it.
It is not a matter of being "immune", but a matter of having the ability to cope with things that you have no control over. You can't shield yourself from life. Your responses fascinate me as well, so continue to share.
I'll tell you a story, one that doesn't assume that you are well-read and educated, or familiar with the books that I am familiar with. My dad and I are incredibly close. He's my father but there isn't a man alive who I care about more. He has always been a great man, my hero, and the greatest friend I could ever have. I attribute what and where I am to him (and my mom of course). With a father like him, strength, integrity, character, resolve, and discipline define who I am and how I perceive life. I have great love for this man. Five years ago, while talking to him on the phone, he had a stroke and his words became garbled. It was the beginning of his decline. I am fortunate that he is still here and that I can talk to him. He still knows who I am, but his gradual decline is heartwrenching and I grapple with it and his eventual departure every day.
In coping with my dad's decline, I am comforted by the fact that I gave him all of my love before his stroke and continue to do so. He always knew how I felt about him and he appreciated it. Now, I do all I can to make sure that he lives out the remaining time he has left with as much dignity as possible. I don't ignore, or override, or discard, or avoid this bad news, but I have learned to live with it, while I continue to strive for all that is high and noble. This is what I know he wishes, and would express if he could.
So to clarify, bad news is bad, and there is nothing you can do to change it, except learn to live with it, learn to put it in a more self-serving perspective, or learn to use it in a way that reflects positively on your emotional resolve.
No I'm not familiar with the Enneagram. Please explain. I want my 6 year old nephew to understand what you mean here when he reads it.
It is not a matter of being "immune", but a matter of having the ability to cope with things that you have no control over. You can't shield yourself from life. Your responses fascinate me as well, so continue to share.
I'll tell you a story, one that doesn't assume that you are well-read and educated, or familiar with the books that I am familiar with. My dad and I are incredibly close. He's my father but there isn't a man alive who I care about more. He has always been a great man, my hero, and the greatest friend I could ever have. I attribute what and where I am to him (and my mom of course). With a father like him, strength, integrity, character, resolve, and discipline define who I am and how I perceive life. I have great love for this man. Five years ago, while talking to him on the phone, he had a stroke and his words became garbled. It was the beginning of his decline. I am fortunate that he is still here and that I can talk to him. He still knows who I am, but his gradual decline is heartwrenching and I grapple with it and his eventual departure every day.
In coping with my dad's decline, I am comforted by the fact that I gave him all of my love before his stroke and continue to do so. He always knew how I felt about him and he appreciated it. Now, I do all I can to make sure that he lives out the remaining time he has left with as much dignity as possible. I don't ignore, or override, or discard, or avoid this bad news, but I have learned to live with it, while I continue to strive for all that is high and noble. This is what I know he wishes, and would express if he could.
So to clarify, bad news is bad, and there is nothing you can do to change it, except learn to live with it, learn to put it in a more self-serving perspective, or learn to use it in a way that reflects positively on your emotional resolve.
Thank you for sharing your personal story - this is not meant to be dismissive of your "bad news," because I am sure it was shocking and upsetting (and continues to be) - AND we know our parents are going to predecease us - that is the natural order of things. I am not talking about this kind of bad news.
I am talking about the kind of bad news that you could never anticipate - that is like a bomb going off in your life - that creates, not just sadness, but destruction. There is a huge difference and that is what I am talking about.
Post Script: Not taking the bait at your attempt to discredit my intelligence at the start of your response.
And I won't be explaining the Enneagram to you - you may look it up or have your six year old son do it for you, if the spirit moves either one of you.
Hi I am sorry for your struggles. Not the exact same but a few years ago I developed severe health problems at the age of 28. After a lot of testing and treatments with the unknown of why it happened it left me with a lot of fears at the sign of any new health issue that comes or any health issue that could happen. So I can relate to the fears,anxiety,and worry. I have done a few things that though are not a miracle have helped me cope.
First though have you looked into support groups? I really find that people who face similar struggles even if not the exact can help one feel less alone plus find coping skills. Also therapy in general and possible meds for anxiety. I also did a therapy called biofeedback which helps you bring your body to a calmer state both mentally and physically. Though easier said then done I try to stay in the moment and when I start to worry about the future I self talk to try to remind myself of what I can do to get through the day or even moment.
So many fears in general don't happen and if they do they may not be as bad as the past or you may be stronger then you think to get through them.
Lastly sorry this is so long I tend to ramble. Anyhow for me also working on how I feel about my health problems,things it took away,the emotions etc is very important. So I am going to ask you if you have worked on the feelings etc around the past issues. Writing can be a good tool in getting a lot of feelings out that you may have not been aware of.
Hope things become easier and brighter
Hi I am sorry for your struggles. Not the exact same but a few years ago I developed severe health problems at the age of 28. After a lot of testing and treatments with the unknown of why it happened it left me with a lot of fears at the sign of any new health issue that comes or any health issue that could happen. So I can relate to the fears,anxiety,and worry. I have done a few things that though are not a miracle have helped me cope.
First though have you looked into support groups? I really find that people who face similar struggles even if not the exact can help one feel less alone plus find coping skills. Also therapy in general and possible meds for anxiety. I also did a therapy called biofeedback which helps you bring your body to a calmer state both mentally and physically. Though easier said then done I try to stay in the moment and when I start to worry about the future I self talk to try to remind myself of what I can do to get through the day or even moment.
So many fears in general don't happen and if they do they may not be as bad as the past or you may be stronger then you think to get through them.
Lastly sorry this is so long I tend to ramble. Anyhow for me also working on how I feel about my health problems,things it took away,the emotions etc is very important. So I am going to ask you if you have worked on the feelings etc around the past issues. Writing can be a good tool in getting a lot of feelings out that you may have not been aware of.
Hope things become easier and brighter
The good news is that I have learned to be calm most of the time and have released a lot of trauma. The bad news is that there is more to release . . .
Because of the combination of my extreme sensitivity (empahtic) and some bad experiences, I can have severe emotional responses to bad news.
Had to deal with some stuff on Christmas Eve that triggered some traumas I had forgotten about. The thing is that when I am feeling good I don't want to go back and relive traumas - I have also used EFT on a lot of stuff and to manage fear and stressful things in the moment, but I think I can use some more.
Writing is a good outlet but I am not sure it dispels the actual trauma imprint. I do think EFT does that. A support group is also a good idea, but not easy to find.
Or be reading the Mental Health forum in the first place? Isn't this exactly the place to be discussing what you are discussing?
Greta Garbo was the actress.
Thank you. I finally recalled her name after a few weeks!
"I VANT to be alone" or "left aline."
Classic. Thank you.
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I, for one, believe that bad things will happen ... they always do. I've come to expect them but during the time when everything is going along pretty smoothly, I just try and enjoy life. I don't wonder when the next shoe will drop. It's a waste of time and robs you of the joy of the good times. It also helps if, when life begins to unravel, you tell yourself that you can handle this and you'll figure things out. It does work.
Isn't this exactly the place to be discussing what you are discussing?
