Fear of Intimacy question

[Midwest Maven]

Originally Posted by willow wind

I agree with Anywhereelse on this one.

Meeting your family was going to take the relationship up a notch where he didn't want to do. Going to a wedding of a relative of yours- that would be announcing to the world that you were a couple in his mind. Doesn't seem he wanted to go in that direction with you. While you called him your boyfriend, he seemed to be far less invested in the relationship.

I suspect this has very little to do with fear of intimacy but more that he was just not that into you as the saying goes. Better luck with the next one.

I totally agree with this post.

Sorry to say OP, that you're boyfriend "just wasn't that into you." I'm sorry he was so evasive with meeting your family. Seems like you were more of a showpiece than serious girlfriend. He tried you on to see if you fit, and liked you well enough, but then decided he didn't want to commit.

Red flags are when your significant other makes up obvious and lame excuses (work, etc.) to avoid meeting the family or friends. If that happens to you, you know it's your cue to exit that relationship asap, because he (or she I suppose) is not that serious but too much of a wimp to say so because hey, sex without commitment is a great benefit, right?

The same exact thing happened to me a few years ago with a man I was seriously involved with. I'd met his friends but when it came to introducing me to his family, he balked and made up the lamest excuses ever. Sure, he went to my family's for Thanksgiving, but when he went home for Christmas to visit his family for two weeks, he didn't invite me. And this was after I brought him to my cousin's wedding to announce to the world, "hey, we're a couple officially now." My ex-bf did not want to get serious with me, despite telling me he did by asking me to marry him...without a ring of course (he had an excuse for that too). So even his proposal wasn't official.

Some men are weasels in nice-guy's clothing and will emotionally manipulate their way out of commitment if they can, and then try to blame it on the other person instead of just being honest in the first place, that they need to end the relationship for a,b,c reasons.

[Midwest Maven]

Originally Posted by cmjones311

Well, I might be inclined to believe that he just "wasn't that into me", except that he was the one to change his facebook status to "In a Relationship" first, he was the one to say "I Love You" first, and he was the one that brought up living together first. He never had any issues calling me his girlfriend to either me or the rest of the world. Which is why this particular issue seemed strange to me.

Oh, OP, you were bamboozled by this guy! Like I mentioned in my other post in this thread, the man I was involved with did the same thing. We met through online dating and he was the one to speed up the progress of our relationship; he updated his Facebook status within 3 weeks of dating me to "in a relationship," whereas I did not (which made him mad but too bad!). He offered me the keys to his apartment the 3rd month we dated, along with a present. I declined both, which upset him. I told him it he was pushing me too fast and to slow down or I would leave. So he slowed down for a few weeks, which is when I introduced him to my family and took him to my cousin's wedding. After he refused to invite me home with him to meet his family for Christmas, things went south. He'd asked me to marry him sans engagement ring (don't even get me started on that red flag), but then broke up with me on NYE when I asked him to make our relationship official with a ring if he was indeed serious about marrying me. Well, that was enough ammo for him to break up with me. But he did me a favor because he was intent on stringing me along, whereas I wanted a solid commitment after 6 months which he refused to give.

Take it as a HUGE red flag when a man pursues you too quickly. That usually means he wants something fun for the time being, but has no intention of making a serious commitment. The ones who want to commit, take their time and are okay with going slow.

Count this as good experience to help you avoid falling into the same dating trap with the next man you meet. Be more selective. More cautious. Don't be afraid to be assertive and create boundaries with the man you date. You're in the relationship too. He doesn't nor shouldn't dictate the speed, etc. of the relationship without your input.

[DaniellaG]

The others could be right that he was not ready to take the relationship to the next level and meeting the family represented that.
Another thought I had was that by being around your family it could bring up emotions and feelings around his own. He may not be ready for that or he also may fear other people's families will be like his. I have major issues around my family and that does put up a wall in terms of significant others in some ways but I do tend to get close to their family or friends family. It gives me a warmth that I never felt I had if that makes sense?
I have friends who have abuse issues and they fear close relationships because they don't want to get hurt again so often they will break things off before it gets too serious in fear they will get hurt. I am not just speaking of physical abuse but lets say that person breaks it off with them first it brings up abandonment issues.
I am confused though how this will help you move on knowing? Do you feel you did something wrong?Sometimes things just don't work out and it is no one at fault or underlying issue

[HotOT]

Originally Posted by Midwest Maven

Take it as a HUGE red flag when a man pursues you too quickly. That usually means he wants something fun for the time being, but has no intention of making a serious commitment. The ones who want to commit, take their time and are okay with going slow.

Count this as good experience to help you avoid falling into the same dating trap with the next man you meet. Be more selective. More cautious. Don't be afraid to be assertive and create boundaries with the man you date. You're in the relationship too. He doesn't nor shouldn't dictate the speed, etc. of the relationship without your input.

I echo these sentiments. Hindsight is always 20/20, and under "normal" conditions, men need time to develop feelings for a woman. I would not consider it a good sign when a man falls hard and fast (within a few weeks). Also, take note of his reaction when/if you put the brakes on..in my case, he immed. started crying and claimed I abandoned him. Huge red flag. Fast forward..he was in lust, not love. And the fire burned out...problem is he forgot to tell me until I realized he was encouraging me to take naps so he could go masturbate. Believe me, this guy has serious intimacy, communication, trust and abandonment issues from his childhood. I believe I missed the red flags due to being vulnerable from coming out of a divorce.