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I do think, that some people seem to just live lives of "Riley", untouched by any problems. People like this, freak out over issues, like the wrong color of flowers in their $300 wedding bouquet. I have a relative, she is impossibly spoiled, she has never worked a day in her life, went from rich Daddy's house, to her husband's house, and of course, it had to be a NEW house, how could anyone possibly live in a USED house?!
Her entitlement, and attitude on life is very interesting. She blames others for their misfortunes. She has no clue about health issues, poverty, losing a job, she recently had a child, and of course, new everything, and her child is BRILLIANT, at two months.
I hope her life stays perfect. Because she has never developed the mental resilency that you have, with the ability to roll with the punches life has dealt. You have that "spark", the ability to keep bouncing back, every time. I admire you for your fortitude. Tough as your life has been, you are still hanging in, with the hope that thbings will get better. I hope for you, that they will.
My life, was pre destined to be a mess. Born to a 15 year old Mother, and an 18 year old Father, the best gift they could have given me was to put me up for adoption. Nope. I was kept. Great. Both parents could blame me for the reason why their lives were s*#+. Thanks.
Both of my parents were a disaster, they could not hold down jobs. Won't go into my childhood, but it was not "Father Knows Best". At some point though, you own your adult decisions...maybe...I got married because I was unemployed and basically homeless. Not the greatest reason to get married. But, I felt like I had no other choices.
And, that decison, screwed up my children's lives...
Life is not fair. Some learn that lesson, much more clearly than others.
Thanks for all of the pep talk. I scheduled a dentist's appointment for Monday morning to see if I need a root canal - I'm panicking over how I will afford it because while dental insurance helps, it's not enough (probably will need to run up my credit card again after paying a huge chunk of those medical expenses off in the past 2 years). I know that there's always this undercurrent of anxiety in me, but I've learned to manage that. Just when stressors start coming at me, the anxiety spikes and starts seeming eerily like depression and I start to obsess about things I absolutely cannot control.
I'm part of that generation that got awards just for coming out and playing the game, even if you were on the bench the entire time. But I never saw myself as feeling entitled because I worked hard - until life really smacked me upside the head. My brother recognized how toxic our parents were years before I did - even though I am older. I always knew that they were "off", but so are everyone's parents, right? It wasn't until their actions when I got sick - and then when I began talking to others, going to support groups, going to therapists, that I suddenly got this validation. On one hand, it's great to know that I wasn't as insane as my parents made me feel. On the other, it's one of the worst feelings in the world to have every perception you had about your parents be ripped to shreds. Thinking about that period of realization still makes me nauseous.
When I read Tallysmom's post about how I wasn't given good coping skills, at first I had this flash of anger. How dare you insult my coping skills! It's taken a week of mulling it over to recognize that not as an insult or a reflection of my character, but as a simple truth. Getting cancer young is a situation that would test the coping abilities of ANYONE, even people who grew up in the best of families. That's why you have a family to surround you with support when those times come. I was thrown into this situation with weak coping mechanisms, and then had no where to turn to get external support. Of course I feel like I'm crazy - I'm in an absolutely absurd situation. Yet I put my clothes on each morning, go to work with a smile, and handle it in every facet of my life except what's going on in my head.
I've been a sort of motivational speaker ever since getting sick - speaking to college kids about advocating for your health, listening to your body, and various silent illnesses that happen in the "invincible" population. I've also spoken at a conference of oncology social workers and at various young adult cancer/illness conferences or retreats to speak about dating when you have cancer. I've had to pull back from the cancer world in the last few months because I can't stop dwelling on a moment in a conference where I was attending a panel talking about changing relationships when you are a young adult with cancer. The panel talked about having to move at home with their parents, having their parents start paying their bills, their parents moving in with them to take care of them... I raised my hand and asked if anyone's parents tuned out. Out of 50 people in the room, no one raised their hand. A few of the parents who were their accompanying their adult children came to give me a hug. I just don't have it in me to participate anymore in the cancer world because it's a lonely world in which I feel even more isolated and "othered".
I know how hard it can be to survive when it seems that this life keeps piling up crap on top of crude on top of the life that you once knew. I am 31 and have just in the past 2 weeks felt my body and my mind deteriorate from the things that keep continuing to happen to me. Try and remember you are not always just "alone" in it.
I won't preach, because I'm not much of a believer in anything, and I won't say "it will get better" because I know from experience, it rarely ever does.
I WILL tell you the shortest version of what I have been going through, only to let you know I do in fact know how you are feeling.
I survived breast cancer, only after 2 surgeries in '07. I got tuberculosis in 2010, the treatment almost killed me, and due to my inability to complete every day tasks, I was unable to go to the court hearing in MONTANA to continue primary custody of my son (who is in fact the ONLY reason I still live and breath today) and he was taken away from me by his father, the custody turned 180 and I got the short end...leaving me 6 weeks out of an antire year to be with him. I lost my job in October, and lived with my disabled mother after that. The only reason I can is because she's so doped up on narcotics all the time, she pays no mind to me being there on her sofa. I finally found a job at a bikini bar to try and pay bills, get a cheapo cell phone through cricket so I could talk to my son again, and I got my first DUI heading home on my 2nd night at work! Never been in trouble, now I'm on pretrial release....no car...no job...and on the 3rd of this month I walk myself to St Alphonsus and find out I have legionella pnuemonia...and because my lungs are so damaged by TB in 2010..there isn't much they can do...I am still sick...coughing up blood...and all of this keeps piling up.
But you can't give up hunny!
You have to keep that one good thought inside...no matter WHAT it is....try..and try..every day to believe that SOMEONE will eventually help. If it's a church, or goodwill...or some stranger typing to you online...Please keep your chin up...and please don't give up or wish for death.
If anything...I will be here to talk...or just to listen.
You are an inspiration to everyone who has done a lot less while in good health. I am amazed you were able to accomplish the above while going through such serious health issues. As pat and cliche as it sounds, you are a stronger person for all you've been through. For someone who is only 25--you've done a hell of a lot.
These are my sentiments exactly, charolastra. You are much stronger than most people I know in your age group (my kids are in their 20s). Hang in there. You have an amazingly positive attitude, especially in light of being given so few resources. It takes most of us a long time to admit that we had parent(s) who may not have been there for us emotionally and we all handle that differently. Denial is sometimes what can keep us functioning until we're ready to handle the reality of a situation.
Any of your friends who say--humorously or not--that you carry a raincloud, are fair weather friends. They're not mature enough to handle a deep friendship and you deserve to look elsewhere for a bond with people who are more like yourself.
Wow, my heart goes out to you. Finding myself in similar but different shoes. You have done so much for YOU. Focus on that. It sounds like there will never be any pleasing your parents. Sometimes you have to think, when has this person been encouraging in my happiness versus when have I done my best to make them happy. You sound like you have many positives, focus on what makes you happy and pay no mind to what dosen't (easier said than done, but do-able.)
I think tallysmom pretty much sums it up. I would add, now you know this is the problem, you can take steps to change it. There are plenty of resources available about dealing or ridding yourself of toxic family. Good Luck and you go girl.
I had great plans for life too, but at 17 came down with a progressive auto-immune disease, misdiagnosed for several years. The insurence I had was gone by the time it was. But I was treated and tried to go to school, and quit before the end. I was about 85 pounds when they finally said I had to have surgery or die. Fortunately for the family the insurence had been reinstated due to me being disabled at the time it dropped. But it was as if the seven years had just vanished.
I went back to school, worked hard, and ended up with a good entry level professional job. Then the recession of the 80's hit and my only work experience was that. Even the headhunter said it wasn't enough for what they could get then. And other jobs if I put that down considered me overqualified.
Drifted a bit, kept going because of friends. Mom was dead and Dad in some sort of dementia. It is oddly a time in life when I had some of the best times, having found with my friends and science fiction fandom, my kind of people. And then there was the barely having money to eat or a place to live. But then I got married and thought we were all good.
I don't plan on marrying again (he died recently long after it ended) because I'm honestly not sure I can see the stuff in some guy I should that should say run away.
But... after the marriage combusted to ash I was homeless and lost and that same strength that took me through the seven years came back. I'm consiously chosen things which will move things an inch further into light over the safe. I've read about my ancestors and how they got back up when they could and went on.
What I realized when he passed and the ghost I couldn't deal with was over, is that I am content. I don't know if I'd call it 'happy' but content is good. I know there are many things I wanted which I'll never have. I know somehow my life wasn't 'fair'. But you know in the end all that doesn't really matter. What does is you turn a page. Life is now, not fifty fourty thirty twenty ten years ago. I learned when I was homeless to take joy in whatever was joyful you encountered, be it a kindness from someone or a good book or a beautiful sunset. I still do. I will never forget that lesson and sometimes wonder if life had gone 'good' if I'd have really known. I've come to find a kind of happiness I didn't know existed back then.
I have a problem with dealing with those who cling to the "poor" me cloud of gloom since the way out if something only they can find and sometimes you have to just walk away until they do.
I agree whole heartedly that the bank should have not only shut but burned down. That's the first step in dealing with those using you. You can't fix their life unless they want to fix it for themselves. Then its one small step at a time. Little goals can be met and give you the confidence you can still meet them. And then on from there.
Last edited by nightbird47; 06-11-2013 at 01:20 PM..
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