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Old 02-27-2013, 07:56 PM
 
1,406 posts, read 2,714,848 times
Reputation: 1425

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Hello all.
I've recently been going through some tough times with my mother. We've never had a good relationship and it seems like she goes through bouts of meanness. I'm no professional, but she obviously has deal with depression before and has chased away all of her friends and family members. She's a typical 'tough love' kind of mom and I've always thought she was rather bipolar. She has never taken ownership for her bad decisions and often blames them on me or says she can never be happy because I am ruining her life. Just today I tried to point out that sometimes when I share stories about what happened during the day, I just want to vent and that her destructive comments are hurting my feelings. She got very upset and said that she's the mother and mother's are supposed to be honest.

I've dealt with these mean-spells my whole life and I'm looking for some outside advice of how to deal with it. Let me start out by saying that I'm in my 20s, still in college, and it's just me and my mom in our house. Perhaps the easiest situation would be to say 'just move out', but I can't right now... I can't work very many hours with school and I graduate in May. If I can just deal with this a few months longer than I could possibly leave.

In the mean time, I'm looking for ways to deal with this or ways to respond to her comments. Just today I came home and was told that she "has never liked me" and that she "care about everyone elses feelings except [mine]". After several minutes of rambling, she tells me that I'm going to end up alone or with someone who's miserable and that I choose horrible people to hang out with and that I turn then bad. Realistically, she's describing herself.

In the past I have fought back and said some mean things when I've reached my breaking point; however probably in the past year I haven't been fighting back. Like today I just ignored her insults. As soon as I leave her sight it certainly hits home and messes with my happiness.

For those who have dealt with people like this, how do you deal with it? Is there anything you can say to make it stop? What can I do?
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Old 02-27-2013, 10:29 PM
 
Location: Military City, USA.
5,506 posts, read 6,423,571 times
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She has obvious mental illness. A very good friend of mine takes care of her mentally ill mother, has for her whole life. My friend has A LOT of baggage, her mother's mental illness almost killed her (my friend) and her younger sister. The sister cannot deal with the mother, so my friend has taken on the responsibility. Hang in there and DON'T take it personally, force yourself to not feel this way, your mother is mentally ill, unfortunately. You don't have to put up with it, make an excuse to leave her presence when she goes off, whatever, just don't engage. Don't let your buttons get pushed. Easier said than done, I realize, but you can do it. If you are a believer, then pray and seek advice from your church family. Do you have a counselor or relative to talk with about this? I hope others can post with additional, or better, advice.
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Old 02-27-2013, 11:57 PM
 
4,761 posts, read 14,219,792 times
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If she is being mean, get away. Go outside. Go in your room. Go to the library to study. Go for a walk.

If she is being nice and reasonable, stay and chat with her.

Simple as that. You are in control of when you will give her your attention. If she wants it, she will have to learn to be nice to receive it. That all there is to it!
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Old 02-28-2013, 04:33 PM
 
Location: in a galaxy far far away
19,111 posts, read 16,499,129 times
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Most importantly, remember it's not your fault and you are not the only one who lives with things like this. It's really a shame this is coming from your mom, too. Moms are supposed to be supportive and encouraging to their children. It's pretty painful when they're the source of your unhappiness, isn't it?

There are places you can go and people you can talk to about this, if you need to but the net has a lot of great sites with some valuable information. Maybe some will be helpful to you. For instance ...

How To Overcome An Abusive Mother/daughter Relationship | LIVESTRONG.COM

Dealing with Emotional Abuse: How to Stop Emotional Abuse - HealthyPlace

Counseling Center » Emotional Abuse
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Old 02-28-2013, 04:48 PM
 
Location: Europe
4,848 posts, read 3,266,389 times
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see Caregivers Help - Forums and Discussions - MedHelp for asking questions getting advice
I do not see age mentioned but the older folks tend to get worse with their behaviour sometimes also as part of pre-dementia or mental problems like old age depression , character/personality traits are enhanced their bad side gets worse
take a time out , leave if you can , share with someone , talk to your dr about this
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Old 02-28-2013, 04:56 PM
 
Location: Western Colorado
12,858 posts, read 16,779,642 times
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I feel for you. I would recommend when she gets like that to just leave. Arguing will make matters worse. Although May probably seems like a decade away to you right now, it's really not. You'll graduate and find a job and hopefully a place of your own. Do you have a friend you can stay with? If you have a good friend, would she would let you stay with her? Congrats on your education and upcoming graduation. Best of luck to you.
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Old 02-28-2013, 09:34 PM
 
1,406 posts, read 2,714,848 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Michigan Transplant View Post
She has obvious mental illness. A very good friend of mine takes care of her mentally ill mother, has for her whole life. My friend has A LOT of baggage, her mother's mental illness almost killed her (my friend) and her younger sister. The sister cannot deal with the mother, so my friend has taken on the responsibility. Hang in there and DON'T take it personally, force yourself to not feel this way, your mother is mentally ill, unfortunately. You don't have to put up with it, make an excuse to leave her presence when she goes off, whatever, just don't engage. Don't let your buttons get pushed. Easier said than done, I realize, but you can do it. If you are a believer, then pray and seek advice from your church family. Do you have a counselor or relative to talk with about this? I hope others can post with additional, or better, advice.

You're right- it is best to just leave the room; however it certainly breaks me down as soon as her comments sink in. I used to be able to talk to my sister about this, but she's given up and is kind of warped, to be honest. She's an almost 30 year old baby that my mom enjoys controlling. I don't really have anyone to talk to. My friends have lovely relationships with their parents and wouldn't get it. I would just feel like I'm burdening them.
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Old 02-28-2013, 09:38 PM
 
1,406 posts, read 2,714,848 times
Reputation: 1425
Quote:
Originally Posted by HereOnMars View Post
Most importantly, remember it's not your fault and you are not the only one who lives with things like this. It's really a shame this is coming from your mom, too. Moms are supposed to be supportive and encouraging to their children. It's pretty painful when they're the source of your unhappiness, isn't it?
I certainly don't want to end up like her. It's a never-ending cycle... her mom treated her like this and now she's treating me like this. I want this to end. I would never do this to a child or person. Thank you for the links!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nerys52SoSilver View Post
see Caregivers Help - Forums and Discussions - MedHelp for asking questions getting advice
I do not see age mentioned but the older folks tend to get worse with their behaviour sometimes also as part of pre-dementia or mental problems like old age depression , character/personality traits are enhanced their bad side gets worse
take a time out , leave if you can , share with someone , talk to your dr about this
She's almost sixty and has acted this way since I was about eight. Her mother was recently found to have Alzheimer's. I just have always felt like she's hated me or held something against me. This was the first time she actually told me that she has "never liked me". I don't know... something about the way it was worded... that she has never liked me really hurts.
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Old 02-28-2013, 09:48 PM
 
1,406 posts, read 2,714,848 times
Reputation: 1425
Update:

I went to bed upset about it and no more words were said until I got home today. As soon as I walked in the door I was greeted with "you better not cook anything because I'm getting ready to clean". I told her I wasn't because I really don't know how to cook. Her reply? "Well maybe if you weren't so ADHD you'd learn how to cook. That was just a joke. But I'm not trying to makeup with you." Gee thanks, mom, for that daily reminder how you couldn't care less about our relationship. I'm just glad this was as snarky as the comments went.


I almost had a breakdown today at work (I work in a primary school). I have a little boy in my class that has the absolute biggest heart in the world and you can obviously tell he's treated very poorly at home. He got in trouble from the teacher for not following instructions and talking/hands on others. He just cried and cried. It wasn't like he was upset about getting in trouble- but that he was terrified about having to take that note home to his parents. I literally saw fear and pain in his eyes. I don't know if it was the fact that my mother tore me down the day before or what, but it hurt to heart to watch this. I just wanted to go to his home and shake his parents, just as I would my mom. I knew my career would be tough in situations where young childrens' home lives were horrible, but it makes it even more terrible when I'm supposed to support them and I can't even deal with my own home life. I feel horrible for this student and I felt bad for not being able to soothe him.

Sorry for rambling, just needed to get that off my chest.
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Old 02-28-2013, 10:06 PM
 
Location: in a galaxy far far away
19,111 posts, read 16,499,129 times
Reputation: 33131
What exactly do you mean by the little boy "is treated very poorly at home?" Do you suspect physical abuse? Emotional and verbal abuse is bad enough but compounded with physical abuse is just criminal.

Considering that you know what emotional and verbal abuse feels like at your age, imagine how much worse it is for a very young child. That's not something you want to ignore. If you do suspect abuse, report it to your administrator. She can file a report with CPS to investigate the situation. No child should live with abuse in or out of the home. Many children in this country live in horrible situations and the only way it will stop is for regular citizens to report it, when we see it happening or suspect it.

I hope your day is better tomorrow. Winning with your mother is impossible. You'd be better off saving your money and then moving out. Try to turn a deaf ear to her venomous words. She's an angry person and you are now the target of her anger. Sorry to be so blunt but it's better to just say it rather than beat around the bush.
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