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Yes. Sometimes boundaries must be set and still it can not be enough.
Sometimes ties need to be cut altogether as that may be the only way to have those boundaries respected.
It's a tough thing to go through.
The one thing I've learned is that you cannot change others, you can only decide what you will and will not accept, your own boundaries.
I've dealt with it. Those that like to push it do not know the meaning of respect which is why they cross the line often. If you let them know they've crossed it and you are not okay with it, somehow they blame you.
I've had to make some tough decisions as of late regarding boundaries. In fact, I need to let someone know of a boundary I have made and it's going to come out as an ultimatum. Nothing major, just no further disrespect or leave.
I know what you've been through and give you a lot of credit for sticking to your self respect. When dealing with family it can be too easy to overlook things and suffer in silence but it shouldn't be this way. In any relationship, if you're being hurt, you have decisions to make.
I don't think its true that all BP people are not capable of empathy or sympathy. That is not part of the BP illness. While you see it being true in your moms case, there are all too many people in the world like that without any diagnosed illness. I've known some BP2 people that are very kind and considerate of others. I think I might be one of those BP2 types without the mania and I'd give the shirt off my back for stray animals and people that treated me well. My mom was purposely very nasty and mean, she wasn't BP, thats just how she treated me. Some family members seem to get treated like the crap on the bottom of the shoe even when they are the givers.
I can see your point about distancing yourself from you. She obviously knows how to push your buttons and enjoys doing it for some reason. When my mom hung up on me when my 16 year old dog that had heart trouble was dying, well I stopped calling her. How cold and heartless is that. Then a few months later she fell and broke her hip, as I have no siblings it was up to me to tend to things. She got weaker, hospice for a short time, then she died. Its too bad cuz at one time we were close and got along very well. Still an open wound how it ended up. Don't let it work out that way for you. As you have other siblings, move far away and you will not have to deal with nearly as much of it.
I agree about folks with BP. I was thinking the mother sounds more Narcissistic PD but I suppose one could have both. One of my friends has pretty bad BP and she is truly one of the kindest and most empathetic people I know.
And yeah, I was one of those treated like the crap on the bottom of your shoe types. My mother would cultivate this attitude of, "But we're all having suuucch a good time--why does steph have to be acting like this again and ruining our little party?" But I didn't call it setting boundaries--I called it teaching them how to treat me and it only worked partially b/c my mother truly never understood anything--it was like one whole side of her personality was completely blind. I do know what you mean about being sad--it's like you're constantly in mourning for that which you never had. I think what makes it difficult to live with an NPD too is that everyone else often thinks they're great, so if you're acting out due to being tired of the scapegoat role, other people perceive you as bad too or the cranky one too. Sometimes it really is best to keep as much distance as possible, as the OP's brother has done.
This situation reminds me of that quote, "the only people mad at you for speaking the truth, are those living a lie."
Can anyone relate?
Yes I can and I love that quote!
My mom was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, but she thinks it's not her, of course.
Yesterday, I invited her over for dessert. She and I have argued about religious differences several times and she knows how I feel. Yet, she still began talking to my son, drilling him about how he should be preparing to serve a proselytizing mission. I told her calmly that I'd rather he serve a humanitarian mission, because that is more Christlike and needed, but when he is an adult he is free to choose. My husband and her argued against me for a while. When it subsided, she quietly said to my son, "I'm glad you're preparing for it." I confronted her (nervously) and said, "Don't undermine me!" Then my husband, who was still upset from the argument stood up for my mom and told me to not blame my mom. I explained that I am his mom, not her. And no matter what the topic is, I have the right to teach my child as I see is right, she doesn't have that right.
My mom looked at me like she was so innocent, and did nothing wrong & it was my problem.
Her closing comments were "I love you anyway" which I repeated to her - in the same condescending tone.
She is the one who has gone behind my other siblings backs, to teach their kids things the parents specifically said not to.
She is the one who has molested 2 of her grandchildren, but accuses every man around young children of being child molesters.
I believe in spirit or intuition - and there have been times even when my mom and I were getting along, that reminded me "keep boundaries with her."
She has hurt me other times, but she has also done a lot of good for me. I wish I could trust her more, but every time I do, I am reminded why I can't.
I am in the process of trying all I can to get to the root of cognitive distortions and schemas (maladaptive coping methods) I've learned - much because of her (& my dad). Still, I do appreciate the good they have done. But boundaries are the only way I can love both them and myself, and my kids.
Last edited by SuperSoul; 08-19-2013 at 12:22 PM..
Hi Midwest Maven, I just came across this today. I know it's six months old but I have some thoughts and referral information that may help you since it helped me. My mom is a narcissist and I believe my sister has borderline personality disorder. A little over two years ago, my mom was picking at me yet again over yet another issue that she has always found to pick at and there are many. From this I finally blew up at her and it caused a huge riff in my family life. We didn't talk for six months and I have not talked to my sister in almost 2 years. I, too, am the family scapegoat. I googled "why is my mom so mean" and all of these narcissist sites came up. The one I found most helpful was Dr. Karlye McBride. I purchased her book "will I ever be good enough" and joined her forum chat on facebook. I also went to counseling. I am currently reading the book Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. It, too, has opened my eyes. The research I have done basically is that narcissism affects every aspect of your life, from friends you make, to jobs you take, to romantic relationships. It's a sick disease. I have learned so much in two years but it's still a struggle because I long for the same relationship you long for with your mom. One that is loving and nurturing and respectful I realize now it will never happen and I have to overcome it every day. I don't know if you still check this thread but I felt strongly to share this info with you. Hope you are well.
I had to cut all ties with my mother. My father passed away in 2000. He left the inheritance ties with her. She too would get in her psychotic states and I being a nurse the family would look to me on what to do. It took me to the point to committing her to a psychiatric hospital. The hospital begged my brother and I to get a conservatorship. After discharge she refused to believe she was bipolar and take her meds. She had the rest of the family blaming me for placing her in the facility. She has spent almost all dad's inheritance on horrible decisions with family members and friends. She has used me as the scapegoat. I no longer have ties with her. I currently am dealing with my oldest son who has been diagnosed with bipolar. I pray that he gets the right support and makes it through college.
Yes. Sometimes boundaries must be set and still it can not be enough.
Sometimes ties need to be cut altogether as that may be the only way to have those boundaries respected.
It's a tough thing to go through.
The one thing I've learned is that you cannot change others, you can only decide what you will and will not accept, your own boundaries.
I've dealt with it. Those that like to push it do not know the meaning of respect which is why they cross the line often. If you let them know they've crossed it and you are not okay with it, somehow they blame you.
I've had to make some tough decisions as of late regarding boundaries. In fact, I need to let someone know of a boundary I have made and it's going to come out as an ultimatum. Nothing major, just no further disrespect or leave.
I know what you've been through and give you a lot of credit for sticking to your self respect. When dealing with family it can be too easy to overlook things and suffer in silence but it shouldn't be this way. In any relationship, if you're being hurt, you have decisions to make.
Best of luck to you. I'm rooting for you.
Thank you for this post. I learned something from it!!
families tend to have "roles" that are (subconsciously) not expected to change (with time, that's
inevitable), and also some insecurities about "Who am i now without my usual role" or "What will
i do without this family member in the house, without them 'taking care' of an issue for me here?"
same here at age 33: i didn't realize how much 'depended' on me inside the home. but i had a good
job, and could afford to move out! no problems with staying in touch for me, but it was unsettling
to realize how much my role provided a "buffer" for others not wanting to change their "roles" in
areas i had no idea were going on there. just a feeling that "i'm an adult, i've done all the adult
things to take responsibility for myself--*why not* be able to move out?" no processes for being
an adult really ever addressed or discussed probably didn't help. just "it's so nice you are here
with all of us". i can be nice outside of the home, too.
still some wishful thinking (yes, even after 25 years) that borders on "i wish you were still 12 years
old!" or "i wish i could just put you back inside the womb"--No, No I'm a Adult. No, i realize you want
to be able to 'take care' of me but i've been very capable all this time, and if you want to, at least
*ask me first* before 'jumping in' with "good intentions". the least you can do is be aware of yr rights
as an Adult and re-state them, if necessary.
Not from a parent but dealing with a hoarder who loves to lecture, admonish and micro manage control all situations. And when things don't go their way including simply disagreeing, not of the same opinion or following their commands implied, direct or disguised watch out they explode and go on a tirade. They talk so fast and for so long you can't get a word edge wise constantly over talking you. If you try to get a word in you are accused of escalating things. This is a senior women who has acted this way with family and friends.
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Possibly a narcissist?
