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I seem to be a magnet for the mentally ill. Maybe because I put up with it more than most people. I've even been told, "Why am I paying a therapist when I have you?" You know what? It's draining! Eespecially the ones who never move forward, create their own problems, keep repeating the same mistakes, are one-sided constantly needy friends. I realized I must have my own mental problem because no sane person would be so damn tolerant and selfless all the time.
I typed out what was basically a big long rant and deleted it. Bottom line, I am no longer going to be friends with the people I describe above. I don't care how mentally ill, how much emotional support someone needs. I'm done with the mentally weak users. I no longer have the need to "save" or "help" people. My days are no longer going to be consumed with supporting and motivating them.
I am going to focus on the people who matter most---myself, family, and friends who have the decency to ask me how I'm doing when they call.
I wish them the best. I hope everything works out for them. I've solved my problem.
Right. You need to first take care of yourself. If you have anything left over, then you can choose to share that with others.
So far as helping others, good advice tends to go in one ear and out the other (I have found). Or "You can lead a horse to water, but not make it drink!"
Save the water for yourself!
FYI - If someone asks me for advice, I say what I think they should do or point out their options - possible solutions to their problem. Then leave it at that. If they don't bring it up again, neither do I.
The problem is they keep bringing up their problems every single time they talk to me. There's no other relationship except for the problems.
It really doesn't bother me that they can't take advice until I've gone years with it being a one-sided relationship where I'm giving, giving, giving, and they're taking, taking, taking. I'm tired of their calling me always in crisis, and never being together enough to ask what's happening in my life.
When I call and politely ask how they are, the entire conversations end up being about how their problems. When they call me, they just jump into their problems and never bother to ask about me. Even if I'm not having problems, I'd like to talk about my life too sometimes.
I remembered years ago my sister saying, "Charity starts at home." I thought it was the cruelest mindset I'd ever heard. After years and years of this crap, I realized I was neglecting the most important parts of my life for people who don't even give a damn about me. Two hours on the phone emotionally supporting these users could be quality time spent with people I love and who love me too.
I'd like to clarify that I don't think all people who are having emotional problems are users. Just people who are truly users, totally self absorbed that everything has to be all about them. It would be different if it were an occasional crisis. I'll be there for anyone in a heartbeat (I've proven repeatedly), but I can't be constant DAILY emotional support. Somehow I ended up with quite a few people like this.
When I realized this, I slowly backed away over the past weeks from taking their calls. My life has been much happier or calmer. So I decided this week to inform them that I am establishing a healthy boundary. I didn't want to leave them hanging. I'm not passive aggressive. I felt they had a right to know. I was direct and honest and wished them well.
You're doing the right thing. Just make sure you keep the boundaries you set as they will do their best to test them.
I had a "friend" like yours as well. Same exact story - one-sided, user, self-absorbed, called everyday and wanted to talk for hours about her problems, never asked me how I was doing, told me I was her therapist. In the 10 years we've known each other she never texted or called on my birthday or Mother's Day. I stopped texting her on her b-day two years ago b/c byt then I had adopted a treat her as she treats me attitude with her. I could go on. She was just a misersable person. So, I told her I was only taking her calls once a week for one hour, before 8pm. I mean, if I'm a therapist, I'm going to treat you as I would a client. And she pushed - she would call everyday, even boldly calling after 8pm. When I did take her calls, after an hour I would tell her I had to go and end the call. She got the hint because she doesn't call as much anymore, maybe every few months, which is fine. And I feel since I'm not listening to all that negativity and hatred everyday, I'm much calmer and happier too and feel like things are moving forward for me. I think people who are unhappy like that, until they make a commitment to get help, they'll stay stuck. I had known this girl for 10 years and during that time, it's as if she hadn't grown or changed. And she knows she needs help and I've told her to get help, but I guess like you said they feel why spend the money when they have you to talk to.
You have to put yourself first and I hope everything works out for you.
It's nice to hear from someone who has been there, jaynaydee. She does have terrible anxiety and depression. Almost all of her problems are the result of not taking action when problems first arise (because she's avoidant) and not managing her money well. She's on medication and she goes to therapy twice a month to complain about her ex-husband. Everything wrong in her life is everyone else's fault. Having a close family member who suffers from a severe anxiety disorder, I totally understand her struggles. But I can't be subjected to constant negativity and remain happy and healthy myself. My life can't be all about her problems. This past few days have been the most peaceful I've had in a year.
I no longer have the need to "save" or "help" people. My days are no longer going to be consumed with supporting and motivating them.
You stated you were a "magnet" for the mentally ill, then a second later claimed you "no longer have a need to 'save' or 'help' them."
Those statements are incongruous.
If you are a "care-taker" and you project that persona, then naturally you're going to attract such people. Also, note that the fact that people burden you with their problems does not necessarily mean they are mentally ill.
A better way would be for you to evaluate your relationship with them, be assertive and establish boundaries....
It makes me feel uncomfortable when discussing personal problems. In the future, I'd appreciate it if we could avoid such discussions.
They will either respect the boundary that you have just set, or not. If they don't, then by all means distance yourself, but if they do, then perhaps you desire continued contact with them.
Assertively....
You stated you were a "magnet" for the mentally ill, then a second later claimed you "no longer have a need to 'save' or 'help' them."
Those statements are incongruous.
If you are a "care-taker" and you project that persona, then naturally you're going to attract such people.
Those statements are incongruous because I am depicting a change I am making in my life. I started out explaining that I am [a caretaker personality who is] a magnet for these people. I ended by explaining the decision I have made for my future to no longer allow these people to consume my life so I can focus on the people who are not important in my life. I do not need to be a slave to my caretaker personality for my entire life. Personal growth is positive thing.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mircea
Also, note that the fact that people burden you with their problems does not necessarily mean they are mentally ill.
The people I am talking about ARE mentally ill.
I wouldn't have started the thread in this forum if I was merely complaining about an annoying friend.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mircea
A better way would be for you to evaluate your relationship with them, be assertive and establish boundaries....
It makes me feel uncomfortable when discussing personal problems. In the future, I'd appreciate it if we could avoid such discussions.
I did that over the past month.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mircea
They will either respect the boundary that you have just set, or not. If they don't, then by all means distance yourself, but if they do, then perhaps you desire continued contact with them.
That's exactly what I did. Hence, this thread.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mircea
Assertively....
I assure you that I'm one of the most assertive people you may ever meet.
I seem to be a magnet for the mentally ill. Maybe because I put up with it more than most people. I've even been told, "Why am I paying a therapist when I have you?" You know what? It's draining! Eespecially the ones who never move forward, create their own problems, keep repeating the same mistakes, are one-sided constantly needy friends. I realized I must have my own mental problem because no sane person would be so damn tolerant and selfless all the time.
I typed out what was basically a big long rant and deleted it. Bottom line, I am no longer going to be friends with the people I describe above. I don't care how mentally ill, how much emotional support someone needs. I'm done with the mentally weak users. I no longer have the need to "save" or "help" people. My days are no longer going to be consumed with supporting and motivating them.
I am going to focus on the people who matter most---myself, family, and friends who have the decency to ask me how I'm doing when they call.
I wish them the best. I hope everything works out for them. I've solved my problem.
Hopes,
Kudos to you for recognizing your role in this codependent relationship with your "friend" without having to go into therapy yourself.
It sounds like you are not getting anything in return from this relationship (friendship?) and it is emotionally exhausting. Not worth it even if it was your chosen profession.
You can not want more for someone than they want for themselves (and are willing to strive for).
You have done the very right thing for yourself and ultimately for this "friend".
Good for you, Hopes. It's incredible how selfish some people can be and how hard "caregivers" have to fight their own instincts, to keep others from using them up.
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