I'm so sick of my life (pill, vision, sleep, cancer)
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I have gotten to the point that I hate my life. Long story short - I was divorced with three kids - remarried when kids were small - dealt with a loser of an ex husband who did nothing for my kids except pay a small child support - my current husband paid for all the extras and I did too. I have always worked and so has my current husband. My sons who are grown have always treated my husband poorly and without respect - except when they needed something, then he was awesome. I finally called them out on in and needless to say they don't speak to me anymore. Our daughter is great - she has washed her hands of her brothers too due to the stress and drama they cause. My husband had cancer in 2006 and was off work for a year - went back to work, puts in long days, has never dealt with the cancer and now suffers from PTSD ...for a while he was seeing a therapist but decided he doesn't need to see one anymore. He hates his life, he calls himself a freak - he had throat cancer so therefor has eating problems. He hates his job, he is angry most of the time, or short tempered. His hearing is going due to the chemo and he gets mad when I mention a hearing aid. I could go on and on.....I have tried for so long to put on the smile and act all happy and cater to his needs but I am so sick of it and I feel horrible saying this. I just want to run away...I am tired of this grey cloud closing in around the house when he is home. He isn't this way all the time but more then not he is...he has no patience - we do things he wants to do and not really interested in doing anything I want to do - we eat things he can eat - I feel like I'm living his life and I want my life back...sorry this is so long...and I know this probably sounds petty but I don't know how much longer I can do this. I don't think I could leave him without feeling really really quilty....if I get down then It gets pointed out that i'm being bitchy...I'm thrilled that he is alive but he can't seem to see it that way - I really think he wishes that he would have died - I can't seem to make him see how lucky he is - I just want to run away from all of it....
First, paragraphs are your friend. You'll get a lot more responses if people don't have to read a big blob of text.
Have you tried looking for some cancer support groups? Being a caregiver is not easy and there are other people out there.
Have you tried getting therapy yourself. What I read from every situation you discuss is that you have a tendency to be a pushover. You let your kids do what they wanted and now you're letting your husband do what he wants. You might need to learn the skills to more easily verbalize your needs. There's probably something in your past stopping you from doing that. Did you have any early relationships with parents where they withheld affection no matter how much you did for them?
Another thing to ask is are you getting enough exercise? It sounds funny, but it does wonders for brain chemistry, dealing with stress and gives you some alone time to get you a break.
I have gone to therapy myself and realize I need to go back. Nothing in my past that I can think of, my dad is great - my mom was a hard sell, so maybe there is something to that after all.
I'm just tired of always trying to make everyone happy and get along...I guess I'm starting to resent the whole bunch...wow that sounds awful!!!! No mother of the year award for me.
I always tried to be the mother my mother wasn't - did everything with my kids, etc. Their dad lived in another state and did nothing, yet my sons think he walks on water....I guess I'm just over all of it.. The idea of taking some pills and just sleeping is looking better and better to me. I think I'm falling apart....
"All things work for good for those who love God and are called according to his purposes". This one I hung on to and looking back on very dark days I realize now it's true.
Take the long view and the short view of things in a different perspective. In the short view be thankful for all of the good things we just take for granted. I'm thankful I have vision even though I lost the sight of one eye due to chemo. I can see the beauty of creation, the colours, the creatures and just so many awesome things. I'm thankful for my food, many in this world do not have even that. I believe the degree we are given over to despair is proportionate to the degree we fail to give thanks for all of the good things in life.
My long term view is that in terms of eternity my life here on this earth is just an instant in time. I'm just "a stranger in a strange land". This world is not my ultimate destination and in times of extreme trouble that thought gives me the strength to endure it and in many cases conquer all the fears and hurts.
Prayer is an ever ready help in times of trouble. I cast my cares upon him who careth for me and find peace.
I will pray for you right now that God would touch your soul and bring you healing.
I like to think I'm a nice person, would do anything for anyone - and you're right, I let people walk all over me...then when I finally say enough, they walk away and stop talking to me - say I ruined their life, etc. Like I'm responsible for their drugs habits, etc. (These are my kids)
My husband is good but dealing with this cancer deal since 2006 is finally taking it's toll on me. He can't get over it even tho he is cancer free - and he is so negative which brings me down, and I'm not a negative type of person - I just hate going home and having to listen to the Debbie Downer stuff all the time...Maybe I need a second and third job...LOL...I was gonna say maybe I could hitch a ride on the next space shuttle...that might be doable.....up up and away!!!!
You need to find that happy medium of who you've been and who you are now. Easy to say, hard to do. If you had a mother who was withholding and nothing you did was ever enough then that might explain things. What terrorizes us in childhood becomes appealing in adulthood.
Why not find some hobbies that are outside of your house or set some limits with your husband. You can be empathetic but also have limits as well.
What about counseling for yourself and your husband together? It sounds like you need a third person present and just talk it out. If he doesn't want help and you continue to feel this way, cut him loose without feeling guilty. If he doesn't get help for himself, you should not have to suffer. This won't get better on its own and while you can go out and do things, you will carry the dread of returning home on your shoulders, a weight that has to removed.
Have you ever tried Co-dependency course. I did and oh my God did it ever change my thinking about life in general. Actually I went to a Christ Centered Co-dependency Support Group and from that point on He (God) and the friends I made has helped me so much when dealing with life issues. I use what I have learned through this support group every day. I hope this gives you hope to look up to Him for all you need. He has all your answers and is waiting to and wanting to bless you beyond all that you could ever imagine, dream or hope for. Trust Jesus;-)
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