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Old 12-01-2013, 12:42 AM
 
1 posts, read 1,511 times
Reputation: 10

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Hello,
For the last seven years, my family has been in a turmoil due to my brother in law's behaviors. My husband and I haven't had any relationship with him since then, as he acted terribly with us, and has for the past 5 years insulted us in any social media he has access to. The guy has personality disorders, and addiction problems. Married to a woman with mild retardation, who supports him. The family tend to get upset with us, because we do not want to have anything to do with him, as we are not willing to be bully and insulted when he pleases and then allow him to come and spend time with our kids, like nothing. He feels entitle to treat us this way, because as he usually puts things, nothing is never his fault but others. Every time we point his insults and behaviors towards us, the family takes things like treating with a dead person. While we are not allow to complain and if we do, we are hear but then disregarded, he on the contrary, rants and says mean things about us with out getting any consequence, or being told that what he is saying is not true or discussing. He has even posted months ago, that if he would have money would hire somebody to shoot us. Are we suppose to allow this person near us, or our kids? Should we approach the parents and go together to a therapy session that would clean and clear things up between them and us? Because their attitude shows preference and inclination to pamper him because he is the "sick one"
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Old 12-01-2013, 11:45 AM
 
4,761 posts, read 14,214,799 times
Reputation: 7954
You have already cut off his access to you - good!

Sounds like you need to cut off access from "the family" as well!

You do not have to put up with this nonsense. It is your life and you are entitled to a peaceful safe life.

Basically set your limits. Do not allow contact with the brother-in-law. Get a legal restraining order if necessary to keep him from contacting you via social media. Also inform "the family" that you will no longer allow their negative comments about your treatment of the brother-in-law. That if they bring this up again, they will be asked to leave. Say they are welcome to come visit and discuss positive things - have a good time, etc.

And stick to your guns. If they start talking negative on the phone, hang-up! If they are visiting and start talking negative, ask them to leave. If you are at their house, walk out!

I tell people I intend to live a pleasant life and have better things to do than be involved in this sort of nonsense! Life is too short...
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Old 12-01-2013, 02:21 PM
 
13,513 posts, read 19,191,561 times
Reputation: 16577
Quote:
Originally Posted by Enlightme View Post
Hello,
Are we suppose to allow this person near us, or our kids? Should we approach the parents and go together to a therapy session that would clean and clear things up between them and us? Because their attitude shows preference and inclination to pamper him because he is the "sick one"
No, absolutely not...all you need to do is whatever it is that keeps peace in your home....Some families do "pamper" the sick ones...doesn't mean you have to be a part of that. I know I wouldn't want him around my kids..that's for sure....I can't see going to therapy changing anything between you and the parents..they must already know how you feel about it..and you them...Best thing is just to continue living your life without him...doesn't sound like you'd lose out on much?
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Old 12-01-2013, 03:03 PM
 
Location: Missouri
6,044 posts, read 24,018,861 times
Reputation: 5182
Some therapy for you and DH and his parents might help his parents come to terms with your (very wise, IMO) choice to keep BIL out of your lives.

If the parents want to show their other son preference, that's their choice (although I'm sure it's hard to watch). You have to respect their right to treat him however they do, too.
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Old 12-01-2013, 04:25 PM
 
4,787 posts, read 11,695,013 times
Reputation: 12757
Take Billy_J's advice above. You've got the right idea, with what you've been doing, just make sure to follow through on it.

I'd forget about trying to get into therapy with his family members. First, it's unlikely they would go. Second, one session isn't going to resolve a decades long pattern of behavior and a lifetime thought process.

You deal with toxic people and in your case potentially dangerous people, by simply removing them from your life.
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