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This is a bit of a long post, but I have a major decision to make in the upcoming weeks and need to give a bit of context.
Both of my parents have BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). For those who do not know-- in a nutshell, it is not multiple personality disorder (I understand people make that mistake a lot). BPD is essentially someone with severe mood swings, happy one moment and raging the next, with little to no explanation. People with BPD also have severe fears of abandonment, which tends to make them extra clingy and emotionally manipulative. In other words, my childhood was pretty turbulent.
Currently, my siblings and I are all now adults in our thirties. Everyone except for myself and my husband lives at least three hours away from my parents (we live thirty minutes away). In the last year, my parents have been going to see a therapist, and have been better about the rages and general crazymaking. However, I believe the change is mostly a function of their traditionally captive audience (their children) now being able to get up and go or avoid them completely if they insist on behaving abusively.
My husband and I have been planning on moving out of state (a 23 hour drive and 3 hour flight away) for the last year. My husband has a standing offer with a friend's business in our state of choice, and right before Thanksgiving I received an offer of my own, that I have not yet given an answer on. I was given until the end of the first week of January to let them know.
I would have jumped at the opportunity and been long gone already, except the EXACT same week of my job offer, my mother was diagnosed with cancer, and my father fell while exercising and broke his hip (crazy timing, I know). This was before they learned of my job offer, so I know it is not theatrics (my mother has a history of faking illnesses to keep the family close to her).
My husband and I are the closest geographically to my parents, so my siblings assumed we would be the ones heading up their care. Husband and I have been living with them since Thanksgiving and at first everything was OK. However, before long, my parents started acting like their old selves again, particularly with respect to inserting themselves into/commandeering my marriage (making hurtful comments about my husband earning less than I do), child-rearing (spanking my daughter when I have made it clear my husband and I do not ever use physical punishment) and other boundary issues. I realized this living arrangement will have a negative impact on my emotional health, and think it is a good idea to look into home health aides.
However, my husband feels that because of their health status, at the end of the day they are out family, we need to overlook their boundary issues, and stay as long as they need us. He also feels I am overly sensitive to any sign of their BPD because of my history with them. I feel that he has never seen how monstrously they can behave (not even close), so his view is limited, but I accept that mine is skewed the other way as well.
To muddy the waters, my parents also run a successful business here, and need someone to take the reigns because of their recent health issues. My husband feels this is an easy financial opportunity for us, and it makes no sense to move to a new state and "start over" when the work of building up a profitable business has already been done for us. Even so, I don't completely trust my parents or the situation.
Again, sorry for writing so much, but I'd appreciate any thoughts you all may have. The more advice I receive the merrier, especially from people who know what flavor of behaviors I have dealt with, and still do to an extent.
My DH's ex-wife was diagnosed with BPD and another paragraph of other things but the BPD was the most problematic. My husband was custodial, with the ex having visitation. We are all too familiar with how difficult it is to deal with BPD. Based on my direct experience and watching my two now adult stepkids try to sort their way through this my advice to you would be to do what you really want to do. Early in your post you sound excited about the opportunity presented to your DH if you move. Is the offer to you where you are now or there? If it is, you HAVE to go.
Quite frankly, I don't trust the "opportunity" to take over your parents business. False promises and anything to get you to stay and make you vulnerable so you can never leave are the name of the game with BPD. I cannot even begin to count the number of times DH's ex did this to the kids. She is still trying it. SS moved in with her at 17 when he went to college. He is 26 now and has no financial ability to leave, she bleeds him dry. He can't say no.
This is the only life you get- there are no do-overs.
Is the way you want your life to be ? What you have now is what it will be for the next 20-30 years. Adding to that will be the mental decline of your parents old age. In other words, living with them and dealing with them is not going to get easier. It will only get harder, much harder.
Don't worry about your parents' business. Sooner or later they would or will retire and then will either sell the business or hire a good manger. They could do that now if need be. Their business is not your problem.
You do not need to live in their house with them- that's a big lose situation for you and your family. This is manipulation on their part .Set them up with home health aides, light duty housekeeper once or twice a week, lawn care ,etc. Your siblings like this arrangement because it absolves them of any responsibility in the matter.
Then sit down with your husband and decide what is best your children, yourselves and your marriage. Since most of the child care and the care of your parents is now falling on you, you must speak up and make your wishes known. Where do you see yourself in 10-15-20 years? Is this the life you want for yourself and the kids?.
I get the feeling your hubby is looking for the easy way out. Right now, he's living rent free, he's hoping a successful business will drop into his lap. He's cruising. You on the other hand, are taking care of him, your parents, your child, yourself and going to work.
I suspect you want to move to that new city. Then go. Harbor no guilt. Whatever responsibility you and your siblings might feel toward your parents can be divided up amongst you . Right now they are more than happy to dump all the problems on you. You don't have to let that happen.
If you do decide to stay, then get back to your other home if you still have it. Do not live with your parents. It will suck the very life out of you. Look into other options, like extended home health care, assisted living facility, etc. for them. You are not their only option and don't let anyone try to convince you that you are. You have a right to your own life, your own peace and contentment and your child needs a happy home.
First, thank you for your response. To answer your question, my offer is in the state of choice, and I am completely excited about moving, as are my husband and daughter. The choice would have been much easier had they not started "behaving" themselves as of late and fallen ill. However, I think I will be leaning more towards your advice and moving. Difficult or not, staying here will tax me, my husband and daughter far too much. Again, thanks. Knowing there are others who understand the type of personalities/antics I deal with and would make a similar decision is encouraging. It really is difficult for those who do not have parents with these types of issues to understand, and I am amazed at how many people I come across who feel to honor one's father and mother means doing so at any cost.
False promises and anything to get you to stay and make you vulnerable so you can never leave are the name of the game with BPD. I cannot even begin to count the number of times DH's ex did this to the kids. She is still trying it. SS moved in with her at 17 when he went to college. He is 26 now and has no financial ability to leave, she bleeds him dry. He can't say no.
BTW, I'd say you described PERFECTLY my parents in the first sentence, and my experience during my teens/early twenties in the following sentences. I am so, so, SO sorry for your stepson. When I began to get counseling and realized how many years were wasted dealing with their BPD-related issues, I developed serious anger toward them that only recently subsided. Where your stepson is at is a horribly wrenching and depressing position to be in, and I hope he manages to realize his mother's problems are her own and he needs to live his life---sooner rather than later, though I know it is far easier said than done.
Willow Wind-- Yes, I feel that my husband looks for the easy way out sometimes as well. Though he works hard in the same profession, I happen to be with a higher-paying company. He's also been an easy-going guy, with far less parent issues, so he does not fully understand where I am coming from.
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