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I don't know where to begin... I've cried so much today my head is spinning.
Let me give a brief history from the beginning of the school year.
My son, B for short, is 7 years old and is in the 1st grade. He's always been tenderhearted and will cry about anything and everything. My husband was the same way as a child, so was my father. Both of them were called crybabies in school. Poor kid didn't stand a chance, it's in his gene's. He's extremely smart, in the top 10 of all the 1st graders, and he LOVES school. Or... at least he used to. At the beginning of the year B's teacher was pregnant with her 3rd child. She went on maternity leave within a few weeks after school started. They put a sub in her class for a month and the following month they switched out with another sub. So there wasn't a new sub everyday, it was the same sub for one month. He was doing good. His behavior was on track, we were consistent with discipline, he was growing up to be a wonderful kid.
The elementary school has a clip system when it comes to behavior. Here's what it (sorta) looks like:
I couldn't remember exactly what the ones above 'Ready To Learn' say. I'm only familiar with the ones below...
He is familiar with the clip-up system because they start the system in kindergarten. Every morning the kids start on 'Ready To Learn.' Depending on their behavior they clip up, down or stay the same. If you clip up, you can also clip down later. Same goes for clipping down, there are ways to clip back up. However, B has not managed to figure out how to clip up since his teacher has returned from maternity leave. I want to say she returned around the first part of December.
Over the last few months we have seen some drastic changes in our son. Other than clipping down every day, to 'Teacher's Choice,' he began pooping in his pants. WHAT?!?!?!?! At first I was VERY hard on him because he's never pooped his pants, unless he had a stomach virus and couldn't seem to make it to the potty in time. He went through 2 years of pre-k plus kindergarten and never had an accident or had to use his extra change of clothes that we were required to have on hand at the school.
Every. Day. He. Was. Pooping. His. Pants.
I thought to myself, what's going on?! Is this an emotional thing? He didn't poop his pants at home. Is the teacher not letting him go to the bathroom?
Once this happened, the behavior escalated. He's not a mean or vicious kid. But he doesn't know how to center his energy, so he gets himself into trouble. We had all of this under control before he went into 1st grade. But now it's come back with a vengeance. I brushed off a lot of the things he said because I thought he was making excuses. There was an instance when he told me he was scared of his teacher. I asked why and he said because she makes him clip down. I told him it wasn't his teachers fault if he couldn't obey the rules of the classroom. Half the time he comes home and doesn't know why he clipped down. The other half he tells me what he did and I sometimes think it was very silly that he had to clip down for acting like a normal kid and she is being too hard on him.
Well... Now I'm beginning to wonder if somehow he really is scared of her. Not in the sense of being terrified of her, but more like stressing out about the consequences that follow. Every day we talk to him about his behavior. He comes home with a small slip of paper that shows where he clipped to that day. Of course it's bad! And he tells us he tried clipping up but he just couldn't do it. Again, I chalked it up to "excuses." It's the same routine everyday, the talk, discipline, etc. And in the mornings we give him a pep talk before the bus arrives. So he goes to school knowing he needs to act good that day or there will be consequences.
I have felt, for a while, that she has B on her radar and she watches him closely and disciplines him too harshly. Something really bad happened today. My son, who has never heard a cuss word in his life, said the B**** word. He's been missing recess lately and when he does he has to write us a letter explaining why. Today he came home and the letter said, "I called a girl a B****."
It took several talks to get down to the bottom of it. The teacher told him what to write in the letter. I thought that was odd. This wasn't his first letter to us, there have been others, why didn't he know what to write? Apparently, while writing the letter he got up and asked his teacher what it was he was supposed to write. That's when she said, "I called a girl a B****," so he wrote it. Long story short, ACCORDING TO MY SON: the teacher didn't hear what he said, a girl told on him. The teacher asked him if he called her a B**** but he just stood there. Not a yes, no or even a nod of the head. So he wrote what the teacher said. What he said was, "the devil is a B****." Still bad, but he didn't call the girl the name and the teacher put those words in his mouth. I asked him where he heard the B**** word before. He told me, "Blake whispered 'the devil is a B****' in my ear yesterday at recess."
This really upset me because my husband talked to the teacher, before we knew all of this, and she said she "confirmed" what he said. She asked him if he called her a B**** and he said yes. Which is not what my son said happened. He didn't know B**** was a bad word, before yesterday he never knew that word existed. So why is he so adamant, to the point he's upset with tears in his eyes, that he did not call that girl a B****??? I don't know who to believe. I plan to call the teacher tomorrow and get to the bottom of this.
However, the boy that whispered in B's ear "the devil is a B****" is in his class and I know his mom. I called her and made her aware of the foul language being used and to talk to her son about it. I decided to probe her and ask about her feelings towards the teacher. The response I heard was almost identical to our story. She feels like her son is disciplined too hard by the teacher, he doesn't know why he clips down, and the majority of the time he clips down for very silly things.
I'm at my wits end. Every day there's another letter. Every day he's learning something from someone else and getting into trouble for it. I hear the teachers side of the story and then I hear B's side of the story. Neither one match. My son is in tears because I tell him he's lying to me because that's not what the teacher told me. He's already in big trouble and I told him there's no way it could get worse, so he better tell me the truth now. Still, he sticks by his story.
Is this teacher causing my son to stress out? Is she the reason he's pooping his pants? What can I do, other than talking to the teacher and guidance counselor, to repair the emotional damage? We've striped him of his games, iPad, tv, fun activities, etc. We've been so hard on him and I pray we haven't broken his sweet spirit. I just want my son back. This out of control kid is not the same kid I knew a few months ago!! I would love some very very very good advice on how to proceed from here and what type of damage has been done. Should the school be aware that this clip-up system could be affecting the mental health of children??
OOOOHHHH MMMMYYYY WORD!!!! IT JUST DAWNED ON ME... HE'S BEEN HAVING HEADACHES THIS SCHOOL YEAR!!!!!!! IS THIS THE RESULT OF STRESS???? I ALMOST TOOK HIM TO THE DOCTOR A COUPLE MONTHS AGO BECAUSE THEY WERE SO FREQUENT AND I THOUGHT THAT WAS ABNORMAL FOR A 7 YEAR OLD.
Honestly, he needs to control his behavior. He needs to toughen up. Crying about everything is not acceptable behavior and saying its in his genes is just an excuse. Saying the devil is a b...that doesnt even make sense and sounds like a lie. It could also be your son is lashing out, hoping that by doing so, it will take the attention off of what he did. It really doesnt matter though because the school year is almost over, though you could talk to the teacher and ask what he needs to do to clip up.
I'll admit I don't think it's healthy to be overly sensitive but beyond that, yes, it's possible she's stressing him out.
This sort of behavior change is a bunch of blaring red flags that should be taken seriously. If it's not the teacher, something else is going on.
Why haven't you taken him to the doctor? It's a good idea to make certain there isn't an underlying physical cause or reason for the changes. Not being able to control his bowels may be psychological or it may be physical.
Is he able to refrain from pooping himself when at home on the weekends?
I hate to upset you further, but he's seven and right now it sounds like his entire life is discipline. He gets it at home and he gets it at school. It sounds constant and frankly, if I was getting lectured every day in both places, before, during and after school, I'd be stressed too.
Sometimes, there are some student/teacher combinations that just don't mix. Since we're closing in on the end of the year, with a lot more gentleness at home to counter what he's getting at school, if he can hang on he'll be out of her class soon enough which might help. An alternative is meeting with both the principal and the teacher and explain what you're seeing as you have to us and see what they have to say.
The devil is a B doesn't make much sense to me but the bottom line is something is going on. Period. Finding the problem is critical. If it's her and he can't make it to the end of the year, can he switch teachers?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Darkknight01
Honestly, he needs to control his behavior. He needs to toughen up. Crying about everything is not acceptable behavior and saying its in his genes is just an excuse. Saying the devil is a b...that doesnt even make sense and sounds like a lie. It could also be your son is lashing out, hoping that by doing so, it will take the attention off of what he did. It really doesnt matter though because the school year is almost over, though you could talk to the teacher and ask what he needs to do to clip up.
A lot of this is unnecessarily harsh to the point of being out of line considering we're talking about a seven year old.
If we were talking about a little girl instead of a little boy, one of the first questions many people would be asking is if she was being abused. A child's behavior rarely changes overnight at that age without cause.
OMG...the original post stressed ME out and I'm a grown adult. Did you ever consider that perhaps he's stressed out because you're stressed out? The fact that he starts his day with a "pep talk" that translates to a 1st grader as, "Don't screw up today and that clip better move in the right direction" speaks volumes.
It's a clip for God's sake, who cares? Unfortunately though, the overreaction has already occured and now he's escalated in his behavior.
Mom, take a deep breath and relax. Lighten up and take a step back. Stop obssessing over the damn clip! Also, who cares if he cries? He's a small child; that's what small children do.
OP, is there a counselor at your son's school that you can meet with to have a discussion about this?
I feel for your son. He cannot do anything "right" at school, and he cannot do anything "right" at home (accused of fibbing, taking away his favorite things, morning pep talks) - so why try to be good?
I'm not an expert but pooping in his pants seems like a sign of serious distress. You need to definitely talk to a counselor about this issue, whether it's the school counselor or an outside counselor. Take him to the Pediatrician to get the headaches (maybe his vision is not so great) and stomach checked out, too. The Doc can likely recommend a counselor if it is stress related.
A bit of "scientific experimentation" might help to find the problem here...
Is it your son, the teacher, a medical problem? Who knows for sure???
So if you can, try switching him to another teacher or to another school. If the same problems happen there, then you would know the problem is with your son - might consider counseling for kid and parents. If the problem goes away, then maybe the problem was with the teacher.
If you can't change teachers or the school, maybe his classroom sessions could be video recorded? See what is going on? I suppose a school would be totally against something as practicable as that. If that is the case, then maybe a school official could view the videos? Or maybe they would allow you to sit in on some of his classes?
Anyway it would be interesting if suddenly the problem went away once the video recorder was turned on or once someone sat in on the classes.
Also try changing the diet. Maybe no breakfast as an experiment. I know eating cheese can cause constipation with adults... Maybe make the stool not so runny for a kid? Might check with a nutritionist about changing his diet.
How about you call the principal or school board and explain that your son is having issues and want to "help" him. Ask permission if you can sit in the classroom for a few days and see what happens.
Don't go into details about the teacher and the letters or the clip-up system, or they might side with the teacher and say that you can't sit in. Just tell them that he's been having BM accidents, he's never had them before this year, and that you want to get to the bottom of it.
Then you can observe what this teacher is all about with your son and other children. If things improve dramatically with your son (no pooping), you'll have your answer.
If the teacher is causing this, either
1) report this whole situation to the school board if she's being cruel and causing anxiety in the classroom
Concerning what he said, "the devil is a b****," it didn't strike me as odd because him and his friends talk about Jesus and the devil often. My son said he heard Blake say it. So after I talked to Blake's mom, she contacted me again and said her son did say that. As to whether or not my son repeated it word for word vs. him calling the girl a b****, I don't know. The teacher didn't hear him say it. She just told him what to write in the letter he brought home. So my instincts are telling me to believe my son vs. what's written on the paper.
The pep talks in the morning are always positive and take up 10 seconds of our time. It's not a sit down discussion. Sheesh people, really?! He's 7!! What do you think I'm doing here? Lecturing a kid like I would a teenager?? We've told him not to focus on the chart, just to have a good day. So I don't feel like we've put added pressure on him. We're not saying "you better clip up" or things like that. The pep talks are always positive, last up to 10 seconds and conclude with "I love you" and hugs and a big goodbye as he walks to the bus.
When it comes to discipline, he's got it good compared to most kids. Many times he clips down because of very silly things. I don't tell him it's silly because I don't want to give him the impression it's ok to act like that. But he's a kid! He's had his games taken away. But as of yesterday, he had it all taken away. He still had his toys and books to occupy him the rest of the evening. I don't carry over the punishment to the next day. When he comes home from school with a bad note I tell him, "no iPad for the rest of the day" or, "no video games the rest of the day." He's only home for 3 1/2 hours until it's time for bed. 3 1/2 hours of no games is not severe punishment. He'd rather be outside playing and we're gone 3 evenings out of the 5 school days anyway. His "punishment" mirrors the behavior. He only feels the real punishment when there is a real reason for it. Real punishment is not given over silly things the teacher knit-picks about.
I have not taken him to see a doctor yet because the pooping hasn't been as frequent lately. Not to mention, he doesn't do it at home on the weekends, only in school. So I've been trying a new approach to see if that helps. It seems to be helping but if things don't get better my plan is to make an appt.
Lastly, I have to object about something that was said about my sons sensitivity. His tender heart makes him who he is! He loves others unconditionally. He loves to help everybody, almost to the point where he can get in the way. If someone's hurt, he cries for them, he's very empathetic. Quite frankly, I think we need more people in this world like him. Not many people these days care for others like they used to. Not many people will go out of their way to help you. And most certainly, not many people will share your pain!!! People these days are too concerned about themselves and what they can do to get ahead in life while trampling others in the way. They'll stab you in the back without concern for your feelings. Don't even bother asking for help because they don't have the time. Seriously?! It's a sad day when the sensitive people are looked upon as being weird or odd. It's a sad day when the new "normal" is selfishness and arrogance. I'm GLAD my son is tender hearted. At least I know he'll grow up loving, caring and empathizing for others unconditionally. How many of us have all of those "unconditional" qualities? I rest my case!
Thank you, everyone, who has given good advice. I have a lot to consider here. I'm meeting with another mom today to discuss the teacher. She's been having some behavior issues with her son since the teacher has returned from maternity leave. Her older son had her before and she was excited to hear her other son had her this year as his teacher. But she's been concerned about some of the things that's been going on. So I plan to hear what her concerns are and she wants to know mine. According to her, there's another family she knows of that is having the same concerns. I hope to get to the bottom of this SOON!!
Quote:
Originally Posted by gouligann
How about you call the principal or school board and explain that your son is having issues and want to "help" him. Ask permission if you can sit in the classroom for a few days and see what happens.
Don't go into details about the teacher and the letters or the clip-up system, or they might side with the teacher and say that you can't sit in. Just tell them that he's been having BM accidents, he's never had them before this year, and that you want to get to the bottom of it.
Then you can observe what this teacher is all about with your son and other children. If things improve dramatically with your son (no pooping), you'll have your answer.
If the teacher is causing this, either
1) report this whole situation to the school board if she's being cruel and causing anxiety in the classroom
I don't know where to begin... I've cried so much today my head is spinning.
PLEASE HELP!!!!
Here's my take on it.
You should trust your son. You are his mother. You know how he normally is. If he is having all these issues ever since the teacher came back, that is your common denominator. Soiling his pants at 7 is very extreme.
It sounds to me like this teacher is either in some kind of post-partum aggression, or is resenting having to come back to school and leaving her new baby, and is taking it out on the kids.
If you've talked to another mom and she's said the same thing, I think it's time to get the teacher and principal involved. Bring the other mom with you as backup, otherwise they'll think it's all just you.
The last thing you should be doing is disciplining your son for his having this issue. This is not normal behavior. It doesn't make him bad. It makes his issues bad. There is a big difference.
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