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How come at work I feel happy (non energetic sometimes) but im usually calm, but friendly and I smile all the time but another part of me I feel very absent minded, empty, agitated (not angry) but annoyed. Esp when it comes to my niece knocking on my door every 5 mins which is driving me crazy, because she wants to play with me so she can have attention because she has a new baby sister. (I live with my sister and her boyfriend) but my niece I feel really annoyed because I want to be left alone. However with me I do like people, but at the same time I don't. I do have some type of social anxiety either mild or moderate. Its like I would like to go out and be adventurous but at the same time I dont feel like it lethargic. I feel lethargic but at the same time I stay up most of the night and all day.
Im not bipolar but I do have ADHD-Inattentive and I use to have a lot depression symptoms even suicidal thoughts but my symptoms somewhat went away. Ive been on an antidepressant since beginning of 2012.
Buproprion (Wellbutrin) for ADHD symptoms and my depression symptoms. Then one day out of the blue I had a panic attack which had happened me before but when I was 12. So Im also on Busiprone (Buspar) for anxiety.
However even though I dont plan on suicide, sometimes I cant help to think in the future if things get really bad, will I commit the act?
Like one time I would say about a month ago I saw a string that connect to the attic and I was looking at it and I had a "what if moment" playing a scenario in my head if I was hanging from the string and my sister and her bf find me how would they react what would happen. To be honest it scares me when thinking about this but Im just being honest.
I mentioned one incident (well a thought that I had when seeing a sharp object) to my therapist and she said it sounds like a suicide ideation whatever that is but Ive never brought that up again it creeps me out. To tell you this, I would kind of cringe when I see a sharp knife. When ever I saw a knife I was seeing myself in a way sliting myself, but I would never do that because for one I am hemophobic (Im scared of blood) and I dont like knives, but still I had this thought before when I would wash the dishes.
I like to be alone, but at the same time I feel lonely at times, and it would be nice to hang out with somebody. Yet at the same time I feel like I don't have any energy to go out, if someone invited me to go out and Im not working that much only 1 day a week. Why is this? I have acquaintances but not really a friend to talk about my problems with. Plus its embarrassing! I feel embarrassed right now but the only difference is you guys cant see me.
Its just misleading that people think Im such a happy person and saying that I have a beautiful smile I feel that exact opposite. When people tell me I have a beautiful smile Im humble and say thank you but in the back of my mind I say "if only they knew how i feel in the inside"
As of right now Im doing okay, im trying to be thankful for what I have, however the past couple of days I felt hopeless and worthless and my negative doubts about myself but thats always been there.
I feel like a mess half of the time with no direction motivation and also fear/anxiety makes it worse because its preventing me to go for something (such as going for a dream career of mine) and if I mess up I have to face up with "I told you so" from people, down to my finances. For example you get a bachelors degree what you want to study however you just cant get the job that you want and so you just waisted your money time and energy and have to face up to friends and family saying "I told you so"! I dont want to do that.
Im not good at much and they say that what your good at in your heart, is what your somewhat good at naturally or you have good chance.
I would like to work for TV/Film production behind the scenes and also be a independent actor for small movies (indie movies). I like acting being somebody else and another character and not be yourself for a little while. But I dont have the talent you have to have excellent memory to be an actor which I totally dont have but wish I did. To make it worse my mom said that I need to choose another career when it comes to working behind the scenes in TV/film production. My sister agreed to but at least she mentioned I need to find a quick career that I can make money to support myself and then go back to school to get my 2 yr degree in Television Production Technology. I feel like that maybe my only "drive" hope. I dont really have any other interest in not to mention talented. All I can think of a career I can do that I dont have to be worried about getting fired and in a relaxing atmosphere is massage therapy.
Why do I feel messed up? Im now feeling kind of hopeless, worthless a little helpless for myself and empty now! I just want to lay in bed and run and hide and disappear for a period of time. I have no energy and Im up all day all night, I honestly feel hopeless right now. I feel stuck like nothing will change.
How come at work I feel happy (non energetic sometimes) but im usually calm, but friendly and I smile all the time but another part of me I feel very absent minded, empty, agitated (not angry) but annoyed. Esp when it comes to my niece knocking on my door every 5 mins which is driving me crazy, because she wants to play with me so she can have attention because she has a new baby sister. (I live with my sister and her boyfriend) but my niece I feel really annoyed because I want to be left alone. However with me I do like people, but at the same time I don't. I do have some type of social anxiety either mild or moderate. Its like I would like to go out and be adventurous but at the same time I dont feel like it lethargic. I feel lethargic but at the same time I stay up most of the night and all day.
Im not bipolar but I do have ADHD-Inattentive and I use to have a lot depression symptoms even suicidal thoughts but my symptoms somewhat went away. Ive been on an antidepressant since beginning of 2012.
Buproprion (Wellbutrin) for ADHD symptoms and my depression symptoms. Then one day out of the blue I had a panic attack which had happened me before but when I was 12. So Im also on Busiprone (Buspar) for anxiety.
However even though I dont plan on suicide, sometimes I cant help to think in the future if things get really bad, will I commit the act?
Like one time I would say about a month ago I saw a string that connect to the attic and I was looking at it and I had a "what if moment" playing a scenario in my head if I was hanging from the string and my sister and her bf find me how would they react what would happen. To be honest it scares me when thinking about this but Im just being honest.
I mentioned one incident (well a thought that I had when seeing a sharp object) to my therapist and she said it sounds like a suicide ideation whatever that is but Ive never brought that up again it creeps me out. To tell you this, I would kind of cringe when I see a sharp knife. When ever I saw a knife I was seeing myself in a way sliting myself, but I would never do that because for one I am hemophobic (Im scared of blood) and I dont like knives, but still I had this thought before when I would wash the dishes.
I like to be alone, but at the same time I feel lonely at times, and it would be nice to hang out with somebody. Yet at the same time I feel like I don't have any energy to go out, if someone invited me to go out and Im not working that much only 1 day a week. Why is this? I have acquaintances but not really a friend to talk about my problems with. Plus its embarrassing! I feel embarrassed right now but the only difference is you guys cant see me.
Its just misleading that people think Im such a happy person and saying that I have a beautiful smile I feel that exact opposite. When people tell me I have a beautiful smile Im humble and say thank you but in the back of my mind I say "if only they knew how i feel in the inside"
As of right now Im doing okay, im trying to be thankful for what I have, however the past couple of days I felt hopeless and worthless and my negative doubts about myself but thats always been there.
I feel like a mess half of the time with no direction motivation and also fear/anxiety makes it worse because its preventing me to go for something (such as going for a dream career of mine) and if I mess up I have to face up with "I told you so" from people, down to my finances. For example you get a bachelors degree what you want to study however you just cant get the job that you want and so you just waisted your money time and energy and have to face up to friends and family saying "I told you so"! I dont want to do that.
Im not good at much and they say that what your good at in your heart, is what your somewhat good at naturally or you have good chance.
I would like to work for TV/Film production behind the scenes and also be a independent actor for small movies (indie movies). I like acting being somebody else and another character and not be yourself for a little while. But I dont have the talent you have to have excellent memory to be an actor which I totally dont have but wish I did. To make it worse my mom said that I need to choose another career when it comes to working behind the scenes in TV/film production. My sister agreed to but at least she mentioned I need to find a quick career that I can make money to support myself and then go back to school to get my 2 yr degree in Television Production Technology. I feel like that maybe my only "drive" hope. I dont really have any other interest in not to mention talented. All I can think of a career I can do that I dont have to be worried about getting fired and in a relaxing atmosphere is massage therapy.
Why do I feel messed up? Im now feeling kind of hopeless, worthless a little helpless for myself and empty now! I just want to lay in bed and run and hide and disappear for a period of time. I have no energy and Im up all day all night, I honestly feel hopeless right now. I feel stuck like nothing will change.
Ty, your anxiety is ruling and ruining your life honey.
You need to be more honest with your therapist and let her know some of these inner thoughts of yours okay?
Print out your post above and bring it to your therapist the next time you go.
I know you feel hopeless and like nothing will ever change - but in time it really can. There is always hope, try to remember that.
When you feel your anxiety getting the best of you and even a panic attack coming on, you have to very quickly distract yourself.
One great trick is to pick up something with words on it - a book, a tv guide, a box of cereal - and start reading all the words out loud. Read out loud for at least 5 minutes. See, our brains have a hard time doing anything else when we are reading so this breaks the anxiety and allows you to calm down.
Hang in there - just keep up with the meds and therapy while putting one foot in front of the other!
TySky , you could have been my son writing that. He didn't have the benefit of a medication that helped him though. I can 'feel' what you describe (some of me and some of my son). In fact, you have helped me understand my son a little better.
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Its just misleading that people think Im such a happy person and saying that I have a beautiful smile I feel that exact opposite. When people tell me I have a beautiful smile Im humble and say thank you but in the back of my mind I say "if only they knew how i feel in the inside"
That would be my son.
I wish there was something useful or meaningful I could say to you. Is there any other way of getting your foot in the door of your passion? It sounds like that is what you want and the only thing stopping you is your lack of drive. I wish I knew of a way to fix that problem. Actually, I'm in the same boat.
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! I feel embarrassed right now but the only difference is you guys cant see me.
No need to feel embarrassed in any way although it is understandable that you do.
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Hang in there - just keep up with the meds and therapy while putting one foot in front of the other!
Indeed.
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I know you feel hopeless and like nothing will ever change - but in time it really can. There is always hope, try to remember that.
And that is true. There really is hope!
I read a few days ago that researchers have found that eating two handfulls of cashews a day has the same effect as 20mg of Prozac a day but without the side effects. Worth a try, plus they taste good and supply a host of important micronuturients. And they help suppress the craving for sweet stuff (sweet stuff does not help with mental health).
Dear OP, I can empathize with you in a way. My early 20's was also full of confusion, depression, no money, social isolation, and self-pity. What saved me was my desire for education. While I didn't have a clear career goal, I took classes whenever I could, and eventually earned respectable degrees which led to respectable jobs. In order to survive through the process, however, I had to take whatever jobs I could get. Passion or career had nothing to do with it.
I don't have advice for you, but just know that this will pass. As you get older, you become more realistic and better at problem solving, and less confused.
Last edited by bande1102; 07-16-2014 at 10:33 AM..
Reason: took out reference to deleted post
Confusion can come at any age. Unbidden life changes, illness, difficulties that affect those you care about or questioning one's choices can unearth fear and anxiety. One can easily go from "productive" to falling on one's face. Everyone finds his own way to deal with things, bottom line. The worst thing one can do is compare himself to others, but if one wants to emulate others he admires, as long as the people he admires show long-lasting, wholesome qualities, that is a different story. That is one way to address some of the issues.
Even though Im dealing with this I think I will do what loveMountains said just give this to my therapist to read and can understand more about me. I need to make another appointment with her I havent seen her since late March and alot has happened from then to now.
Last edited by bande1102; 07-16-2014 at 10:34 AM..
Reason: removed reference to deleted post
Ty, I just wish we had more free and low cost mentoring programs in the real world for young people like you, like "Big Brother / Big Sister" only for ages 18 - 24. In addition to seeing your therapist, it would also be helpful if you could have lunch every other week or so with a kind, working adult, at least 10 years older, who can also give you encouragement and make realistic suggestions to help you get to a better place in your life.
You might ask your therapist if there are any programs or support groups (job club?) like that in your area for which you might qualify.
I see people trying to get by with using the Internet in that way, but it truly is helpful to have that real-life connection. These folks can watch you grow over time and give you valuable feed-back.
Ty, I just wish we had more free and low cost mentoring programs in the real world for young people like you, like "Big Brother / Big Sister" only for ages 18 - 24. In addition to seeing your therapist, it would also be helpful if you could have lunch every other week or so with a kind, working adult, at least 10 years older, who can also give you encouragement and make realistic suggestions to help you get to a better place in your life.
You might ask your therapist if there are any programs or support groups (job club?) like that in your area for which you might qualify.
I see people trying to get by with using the Internet in that way, but it truly is helpful to have that real-life connection. These folks can watch you grow over time and give you valuable feed-back.
What an excellent post
I am big on mentoring and it does indeed sound as though Ty could really benefit from having one in real life.
Ty, is there anyone in your life you could seek out for some mentoring?
Ty, my heart goes out to you and I wish you the best. I do believe that you will be ok though, because you are able to express yourself so well. You are able to put your feelings into words. BTW, it is quite normal to have weird fantasies like the ones you had with the knives or the rope (according to books I read, and according to my husband who is clinical psychologist). I too had weird thoughts like yours, without having any kind of anxiety, depression, or aggression inside of me. So...don't worry about those thoughts. You are ok. And it is ok to feel annoyed, as a lot of things in life are annoying! Allow yourself to feel that way without feeling guilty about it.
Last edited by bande1102; 07-16-2014 at 10:36 AM..
Reason: removed reference to deleted posts
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