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Old 09-24-2014, 05:46 PM
 
2,356 posts, read 2,483,153 times
Reputation: 1141

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it just seems that I have for the most part these past 15 years been indifferent to what happens to me. Life just hasn't been on my good side since I was a kid and im tired of expecting something good to happen to me. ill go try to make something good happen only it to counter react like the laws of newton.

People always say to go find what makes me happy, but have they ever thought that perhaps what would make me happy isn't ever coming because life is blocking me from even getting to it/getting it? or that im fighting to even get remotely to it that at this point, I cant even get there?

so ive pretty much been spending many years of my life shutting myself down, never expecting anything and never giving myself any sort of dream or hope because those things just end up letting you down( at least me down). im indifferent to living or dying to the point where I don't even care about my health with diabetes. I keep hoping id just shut down and have my system end me for good. I wouldn't even seek medical assistance, as I also have a paper stating I refuse medical treatment ever, even if I got shot by a mugger (doubt EMS would listen to that, but who knows).

im surrounded by fake friends and a family who finds anything to belittle me or say im a failure. When I found something worth loving, that ended up dead on me; in fact, they ended up dead, so why even give a crap about anything? its almost as if life's grabbing a stick and stringing out hope to me and teasing me.

and that's why I turned into the living zombie that fights emotions daily.

so...anyone else here indifferent to life?
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Old 09-24-2014, 07:08 PM
 
160 posts, read 334,869 times
Reputation: 236
I gotten rid of fake friends. I suffer from mental illness. So I join nami.org or meetup.com and found a nami support group and made a good friend. If you have diabetes find support groups. Believe me I understand but I kept forcing myself to go out and yes I have days where I just want to die but it passes.
Don't compare yourself to other people. If your constantly nagging about yourself you will drive people away. I have learned that the hard way many times. You need to tell yourself if nobody likes you oh well.
Happiness is something that you do have to pursue. I believe we are all here for a purpose but in this life you have to fight your demons. Good luck
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Old 09-24-2014, 09:02 PM
 
2,356 posts, read 2,483,153 times
Reputation: 1141
I know deep down I'd like my existence to end but yet somehow I fool myself to believe that it will get better. I don't know why even for a logical person like me. I won't be nor am I a good being on this world.
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Old 09-25-2014, 04:38 PM
 
Location: West Virginia
23 posts, read 23,107 times
Reputation: 104
Barq, I used to feel like that, but I got help. I'm on meds and go to therapy. I'm doing very well and I never could imagine that I would get better, but I did. It was a difficult journey...and not every moment is happy, but the difference in how my mind now thinks and feels is amazing. I'm content, despite not having things I need (and want). I hope you get help.
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Old 09-25-2014, 09:43 PM
 
316 posts, read 358,076 times
Reputation: 559
Quote:
Originally Posted by BarqCider View Post
it just seems that I have for the most part these past 15 years been indifferent to what happens to me. Life just hasn't been on my good side since I was a kid and im tired of expecting something good to happen to me. ill go try to make something good happen only it to counter react like the laws of newton.

People always say to go find what makes me happy, but have they ever thought that perhaps what would make me happy isn't ever coming because life is blocking me from even getting to it/getting it? or that im fighting to even get remotely to it that at this point, I cant even get there?

so ive pretty much been spending many years of my life shutting myself down, never expecting anything and never giving myself any sort of dream or hope because those things just end up letting you down( at least me down). im indifferent to living or dying to the point where I don't even care about my health with diabetes. I keep hoping id just shut down and have my system end me for good. I wouldn't even seek medical assistance, as I also have a paper stating I refuse medical treatment ever, even if I got shot by a mugger (doubt EMS would listen to that, but who knows).

im surrounded by fake friends and a family who finds anything to belittle me or say im a failure. When I found something worth loving, that ended up dead on me; in fact, they ended up dead, so why even give a crap about anything? its almost as if life's grabbing a stick and stringing out hope to me and teasing me.

and that's why I turned into the living zombie that fights emotions daily.

so...anyone else here indifferent to life?
I could've easily wound up with the same disposition you have. I went through a really rough patch, however when I emerged on the other side for some reason I became more of a misanthrope. I kind of feel like I'm on the outside looking in at a lot of insanity and drama that I just want no parts of. I talk to maybe four or five people on a regular, friendly basis. I've simply disappeared from society. At least the social aspect of it. I'm very fortunate to have a career that permits me to live this lifestyle.

I go to work and come home. I never go out. Ever. And I don't miss it either. I cringe at the thought of being brought up in other people's conversation. I covet my privacy. If I didn't have to work for a living and had enough money, I'd buy an island and move myself and my little family there, and be totally content with the isolation from the rest of the world. My wife-to-be also shares the same contempt for society and human beings in general, so we're a perfect match. FTW.
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