U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Covid-19 Information Page
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Health and Wellness > Mental Health
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Closed Thread Start New Thread
 
Old 11-05-2014, 07:00 PM
 
Location: southwest TN
8,295 posts, read 15,554,743 times
Reputation: 15283

Advertisements

We bought our home 5 years ago, rented it out for 3 years, and moved in 2 years ago. I was not prepared for what we faced. The kitchen was a disaster, but I could walk into it - however the stove was so bad, I bought a cheap shower curtain and covered the stove: 1. So I would not see it and 2. so I wouldn't accidentally touch it! EWWW, gross and not scrubbable any further. But here we were, with a truck outside needing to be emptied and nowhere else to go with pets.

And 2 years later, we are still making minor improvements - minor in that it's all cosmetic.

If you are allowing yourself to become depressed over cosmetic issues, then there is something else going on - it isn't the house that's causing your issues. You can cry over spilled milk - past behavior - but these are not quality of life issues -- not even that your house is too big and you have more work to do than you wanted to maintain it.

Your mind-set and state of depression ARE quality of life - and it is not just affecting your life; it is affecting those around you as well. As above posters have advised, please find a psychotherapist. Your depression over these issues sounds out of perspective - and that is a sign of true depression and not sadness or remorse.

 
Old 11-05-2014, 10:29 PM
 
2,288 posts, read 2,730,564 times
Reputation: 7024
Watch the I Love Lucy episode where Lucy and Ricky get buyers remorse. Then, imagine all of the problems the other house might have. You might have bought the flip and had more expensive problems. Maybe the flip is prettier, but has serious hidden imperfections. The HVAC could be on the way out, or needs all plumbing replaced. You chose this house, but that doesn't mean the other is better. You just don't know.

Most of us always have doubts and 2ed thoughts over a large purchase, but you do seem to be taking it harder than most. Count your blessings, because it sounds like you have a wonderful husband and two beautiful kids. Those 3 mean way more than any house. I've lost money on houses and my husband died. I'd trade places with you anytime you're ready.
 
Old 11-05-2014, 10:46 PM
 
5,075 posts, read 8,969,786 times
Reputation: 4639
Put it in perspective. Unless the house has to be torn down, you have something to work with. If a 1980's house has to be torn down, that should have been obvious in the inspection.

We bought a late 40s house with no updates. We paid a bit more than you did, and the condition was exactly what we expected. Everything needed to be replaced. We considered leaving it for a time - but not because of the superficial items (cosmetics, plumbing, heating, roof, electrical) we knew all that needed to be replaced going in. We ended up with a sociopath meth addict stalker living next door. The cost of 'repairing' that issue was astronomical. If I was in your position, having paid only $315K for a house that needed physical work, I'd thank god. Replacing a bunch of components is no comparison to stepping out of your house each morning wondering if you were being stalked by a mentally unstable person with history of violence. Keep that in mind the next time you get upset about a broken faucet or leaky roof.
 
Old 11-06-2014, 06:28 AM
 
Location: Philaburbia
33,314 posts, read 62,236,276 times
Reputation: 55940
You've already been given lots of great advice, beginning with "calm down".

Make a list of all the repairs you want to do, then prioritize them based on need and budget. Every house is a work in progress.

You've already said this house was good for location. You can't change that. Make another list: What do you love about this house? Pin that up right next to the list of repairs.
 
Old 11-06-2014, 08:25 AM
 
Location: Over yonder a piece
3,977 posts, read 4,949,660 times
Reputation: 6344
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sunshinegirl7 View Post
The updates I need to do are the pool needs resurfaced, all bathroom fixtures, lights, knobs, cabinets, mirrors, floors, doors don't shut good, windows are original.
OP, all the things you mentioned in your original post are not that big a deal.

Unless you live in a year-round warm climate, the pool can wait. Just put a cover on it and wait until the spring to work on that. I say even if you live in a warm climate, wait until the spring.

As for the bathroom, you can fix up a bathroom in a weekend!
1) Paint or strip and stain the cabinets (cost: can of paint or can of stain, heavy-grade sandpaper, sweat equity - maybe $40).
2) Replace the knobs with something you prefer (another $40)
3) Change out the fixtures ($100-200 - depending on style you want/prefer)
4) Replace the mirrors (cost: $100-250 - depending on style you want/prefer)
5) The flooring in a bathroom should not cost that much due to small square footage, and can be done in a few hours by anyone willing to DIY. If you don't want to DIY, get a recommendation for a handyman who can also install floors. Cost: $500-1000 on the flooring (depending on the quality of flooring you get) and another $400-550 for a handyman to install.

A large (10x20) master bathroom can be done in a weekend for $1200-2000 depending on how much sweat equity you put into it.

You say the doors don't shut well - do you mean that they get jammed? If you can't afford to replace the doors right now, consider spending $20 on a block plane and remove the section of door that's getting jammed, and then replace the door when you get the opportunity down the road.

Unless the windows are cracked/broken, don't worry about replacing them right now. Just clean them and start saving up for window replacements in 4-5 years.


If you are insistent on moving, bear in mind you almost definitely will not get the $$ that you put into purchasing it. Having it go back on the market six months after sale, with NO improvements whatsoever, will tell a buyer that something is significantly wrong with the house. What you've listed as problems are merely cosmetic, but a buyer will think it's something more, and not offer your asking price.

You say the home is in a good location - consider getting to know your neighbors in order to get handyman and contractor recommendations, and begin the sweat equity that is involved when you buy an "older" home (I don't consider 1985 to be "old" - I used to live in a house built in the 1920s - that's old).
 
Old 11-06-2014, 08:41 AM
 
Location: Texas
1,029 posts, read 1,270,854 times
Reputation: 1991
I wonder if some of your emotions have more to do with what you left behind - the house and area that you moved from. I bought a house I LOVED, but I was sad to leave behind my friends and the community I had built in the previous location. It sounds like you have very recently launched one child, with another soon to leave the nest. That's enough to make any mom a little crazy!

You can sell this house - but where will you go? It took you almost 8 months to find this one.

I've sold 3 houses. In every case, I sold them for approximately the same price I bought them. I "lost" the money for the realtor fees, closing costs, and the 5-30k in improvements I put into each house. So financially, maybe those were dumb decisions. But I realllly enjoyed the brand-new bathroom in one of those houses, and I consider the money well spent.

I hated my 2nd house when I moved in. It was the best of what was available in my price range in the one weekend we had to look when we were relocating. I lived there 6 years, and by the end of that time I loved the house. Much of the work we did ourselves, relatively inexpensively. But it wasn't just the new finishes, it was the memories of the happy times we had with the kids. It was knowing that if I was working in the yard a neighbor or two would stroll on by to chat. I had a history there.

I think that if you build your own history in THIS house, you may like it better. Before you put it on the market, commit to two visits to a therapist, to see if that will help you. It's a lot cheaper than realtor commission
 
Old 11-06-2014, 08:59 AM
 
159 posts, read 149,982 times
Reputation: 312
If you're that stressed out about it, I would say sell it and swallow the loss.

A lot of what everyone says may not change your mind about things even after you've done them. Life is too short to be stuck where you dont want to be.

The " too big" "too expensive " statements can't be solved by changing cosmetic items.
 
Old 11-06-2014, 09:55 AM
 
Location: Salem, OR
14,394 posts, read 34,263,030 times
Reputation: 13739
Quote:
Originally Posted by tlvancouver View Post
I truly mean this in the kindest way but I think you'd be better investing in seeing someone about your emotions than consulting a realtor.
This is what I was going to suggest. Buying and selling homes are huge transitions in a person's life. People often underestimate how stressful they can be.

Sometimes people get overwhelmed with the process of unpacking and all the small decisions they have to make about where things go in their new home. Sometimes people get stressed out about having to meet new neighbors and get settled in their new community. Updating a house can be very stressful because of the many small decisions that need to get made regarding paint color and new pulls. The amount of choices out there in the marketplace is overwhelming to many people. Changing homes tends to be harder on introverts than extroverts as home tends to be especially important to introverts.

So...I think you need to hire a local stager/decorator to consult with you. I use my stager for all my new construction clients because the mere act of trying to pick out a paint color from the 1,000 available can send some buyers over the edge. She is a master at narrowing down choices and making things manageable for clients. Personally, I think you need someone like that. You sound like you are totally overwhelmed.

Then, I think you need to go to a few sessions with a local therapist to come up with some coping strategies for this transitions. Sometimes people find just having 3-5 sessions helps to clear their head and give them direction about how to get through the transition.

So, OP, you can continue crying or you can remind yourself that this is a big transition, you need some strategies to get through it, and you will be just fine on the flip side. Cut yourself some slack for being overwhelmed.

And yes, putting 20% down and avoiding PMI is a good thing. Paying PMI is wasted money, generally speaking. If you paid $150 a month in PMI, then you would lose $1800 a year in just insurance payments. That's a lot of money to most people. Whatever interest you were getting on your 20% down, while sitting in a bank, was probably not $1800 a year so I highly doubt you would have been ahead if you put down less money.
 
Old 11-06-2014, 09:03 PM
 
104 posts, read 119,816 times
Reputation: 106
Default Oh Snap!

Sunshinegirl7 reinvented . Both from Pa. Lots of house drama. I'm beginning to wonder if there is a house .
And they favor the number 7 lol
 
Old 11-09-2014, 07:55 PM
 
687 posts, read 730,691 times
Reputation: 2243
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sunshinegirl7 View Post
I thought I got a deal on it because they wanted 27,000 more than we offered but now I am realizing with all the updates we need to do, I will never get the money back. We looked at houses since February this year. I found one that I thought was my dream house, all updated, cheaper, closer to the things we love but I backed out when I found out they lied to me about ....blah blah blah

The updates I need to do are the pool needs resurfaced,
all bathroom fixtures, lights, knobs, cabinets, mirrors, floors,
doors don't shut good,
windows are original.
Put it this way, everything is the original 1985 items.
I have been to a few third world countries in my young life and I can tell you that there are BILLIONS of people out there who would love to trade places with you. Ever seen a family of Iraqis packing 10 people into a 400 sq. ft. home with dirt floors? Ever been to the Philippines? How about going to just Puerto Rico (not with military) which is even a US territory? Seriously lady, get a reality check.

Oh your POOL NEEDS RESURFACING? REALLY!!!

I feel so sorry for you I could just shed tears right now....

Everything is less than 30 years old? Come on now. Clearly you've never remodeled 50-80 year old suburban tract homes built back when people started (mostly 50-65 years ago) moving out of the cities and cars became the norm. Some of THOSE still have the original windows, and I don't think we even need to mention the doors.

Heck, some of those houses only have ONE BATHROOM, it's utterly insane!!! by yours/modern standards, but to a couple billion people in this world having any kind of running water, much less running water inside your own private residence, would be a blessing.

My first bit of advice to you would be to go back and read your own post to realize just how ridiculous you sound. That's priority #1.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Closed Thread

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Health and Wellness > Mental Health
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2020, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Contact Us - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37 - Top