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Old 12-08-2014, 07:11 AM
 
1,008 posts, read 1,499,225 times
Reputation: 920

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Hi All,

I'm a long time CD forumer, but haven't posted here before. I'm a gay man living in suburban DC and have been dealing with depression my whole life, but lately it has gotten to the point where I can't manage it anymore. I've started missing work because it is just that bad.

I had a great relationship for almost two years, but my partner ended up leaving the area and ultimately leaving me. I've tried dating other people, but it went no where. I also don't have a good support system as I have no real friends, and the ones I talk to aren't reliable at all. My "best friend" always cancels on me & doesn't have anything interesting to talk about except her one night flings. I talk to my ex-bf since we ended on good terms, but I feel some resentment towards him (I know I shouldn't) for leaving.

I'm not fully out, so that makes things difficult for me. My mother and sister know and that's all I really have. My mother suggested I see a psychologist, but I feel they aren't helpful as I had several in that past that didn't help. I was also thinking about changing my environment. I really want to move to a big city in Europe, like London or Berlin but can't seem to get a job despite having a somewhat decent resume. I hate suburban DC with a passion, but it is currently where my job is. DC itself isn't much better from my personal experience.

Can anyone else relate or have any helpful suggestion? Would medication be a good alternative? I'm desperate at this point.
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Old 12-08-2014, 07:37 AM
 
14,086 posts, read 14,641,821 times
Reputation: 41692
First, you have to make the decision that you want to be happy. Then you have to fake it til you make it. Seriously.

I think it's time to come fully out of the closet and join some gay men's groups. There's gonna be a ton on meetup.org to get you started. And join some other groups that target a broader spectrum of the population as well. If you're interested, give it a try, basically.

Start volunteering. Whatever cause is near and dear to your heart, go find a way to support it.

See a pychologist/shrink. Yeah, you didn't like the few you went to, but you have to keep trying until you find the right one. Really do your research.

And yes, open yourself to the idea of medication. I have dealt with my depression, anxiety, OCD and ADD issues largely unmedicated for my entire life. I'm really good at muscling through depression. But with a brutal deadline and several other stressors looming over the past few months, my GP encouraged me to try zoloft. It made a HUGE difference. It's a fairly low dose, but it really just kept me calm and focused during a very intense period of my life. I'm debating staying on it indefinitely, because I really like how it helps me settle down. I was very skeptical that it would do anything at all.

Basically, what you're doing now isn't working. YOu need to try some new things. And I would urge you not to move until you can stabilize yourself. I moved from Jersey to Denver after I achieved a certain amount of happiness. I realized that I had become content in Jersey, but that I would be happier if I moved elsewhere. Once I achieved that sort of contentment, I was able to make a rational decision as to whether moving would actually add to my happiness. Sometimes moving can be an act of desperation rather than a reasoned choice. You have a small support system where you live now. YOu may need to lean on them, so maybe it's best not to leave them behind.
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Old 12-08-2014, 08:17 AM
 
4,761 posts, read 11,766,730 times
Reputation: 7878
Relationships are relationships - and they ALL have a LOT of difficulties / barriers in modern "city" life.

One biggie is time. People spend a lot of time working, driving to/from work, etc. and there is just not much time left for a social life. This is worse in a large city where you have long commute times. (Get up, go to work, drive home, eat, sleep.)

With that said, you may not be able to have an "everything" relationship - meet all your loving and social needs by finding just one person. But you CAN mix and match. Maybe get a little of this from one source, get a little of that from another source...

Someone suggested volunteering above, great idea! You probably will not meet your sexual needs that way, but you CAN meet people to at least chat with and maybe develop friendships. How about Habitat for Humanity or something like that? You might find some interesting people who also are lonely. They may not be gay, but these days many people are quite capable of setting their boundaries - having gay friends is no biggie. So open up if you feel like it, but you don't have to either.

So far as gay men and sex, there is craigslist.org personals. Unfortunately that is pretty much just sex - love 'em and leave 'em. But look at that as a separate "need" and not as a place to start a relationship. Then you might not be as disgusted when no one ever calls back. But you would still be getting some of your needs met.

Another thing which might work is to get a roommate... BUT there are a LOT of irresponsible people out there. You will find a more responsible person to live with if there is someone who owns a house and is renting out a room. You can be darn sure they will be paying their mortgage payment. Craigslist may have gay roommate listings for your area.

Anyway mix and match for now. At least some of your needs will be met!

Take care!
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Old 12-09-2014, 07:31 PM
 
Location: University City, Philadelphia
22,631 posts, read 12,865,207 times
Reputation: 15766
Just a suggestion: move out of the suburbs and into the city.

If you can find an LGBT Community Center, you'll discover all kinds of groups for people who are dealing with some of the same issues you are dealing with.

Millions of people - straight and gay - are going through or have gone through your situation. Personally I think you have a perfect right to feel disappointed and betrayed when your ex packed up and left you. You say you are not fully "out." Can it be there is still some lingering internalized homophobia that is in the way of you fully accepting yourself and improving your self esteem???

Your desire to move to a city in Europe may be a strategy to get out of the rut you're in, and start a new life ... but ... I feel this will only exacerbate your loneliness. Finding a decent paying job in the European Union is extremely difficult - they give preference to their own.

I suggest you get out and join groups and meet people. Put an ad in the Washington Blade.

"Do not dwell on the past. Do not worry about the future. Focus instead on the present moment." - The Buddha.
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Old 12-09-2014, 08:49 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,269 posts, read 90,736,712 times
Reputation: 39972
Quote:
Originally Posted by e2ksj3 View Post
Hi All,

I'm a long time CD forumer, but haven't posted here before. I'm a gay man living in suburban DC and have been dealing with depression my whole life, but lately it has gotten to the point where I can't manage it anymore. I've started missing work because it is just that bad.

I had a great relationship for almost two years, but my partner ended up leaving the area and ultimately leaving me. I've tried dating other people, but it went no where. I also don't have a good support system as I have no real friends, and the ones I talk to aren't reliable at all. My "best friend" always cancels on me & doesn't have anything interesting to talk about except her one night flings. I talk to my ex-bf since we ended on good terms, but I feel some resentment towards him (I know I shouldn't) for leaving.

I'm not fully out, so that makes things difficult for me. My mother and sister know and that's all I really have. My mother suggested I see a psychologist, but I feel they aren't helpful as I had several in that past that didn't help. I was also thinking about changing my environment. I really want to move to a big city in Europe, like London or Berlin but can't seem to get a job despite having a somewhat decent resume. I hate suburban DC with a passion, but it is currently where my job is. DC itself isn't much better from my personal experience.

Can anyone else relate or have any helpful suggestion? Would medication be a good alternative? I'm desperate at this point.
Please please see a psychiatrist for a proper diagnosis and some medication.

You are too young and life is too short to continue suffering this way. If you are missing work now your depression is very serious, please don't wait, make an appt with someone tomorrow okay?
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Old 12-18-2014, 11:31 AM
 
1,008 posts, read 1,499,225 times
Reputation: 920
Thank you all for the advice and tips. I have an appointment to see a therapist that specializes in gay issues. I'm also looking at maybe trying meetup groups, although I have tried a few in the past without much success. I'm going to try and be more optimistic. It's just frustrating not being able to find anyone that I can really count on. It seems like a lot of gay guys these days are not very nice or either fake.
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Old 12-18-2014, 08:08 PM
 
4,761 posts, read 11,766,730 times
Reputation: 7878
Quote:
Originally Posted by e2ksj3 View Post
...It seems like a lot of gay guys these days are not very nice or either fake.
Gay men do not have a monopoly on that! I've met quite a few straight folks who behave in the same manner. But good for you! Sounds like you are on the right track.
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Old 12-19-2014, 05:10 PM
 
11 posts, read 10,935 times
Reputation: 23
Have you considered living in Dupont Circle?

The DC area is a wonderful place to be.
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