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Old 01-24-2015, 01:08 PM
 
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I stopped drinking a year and a half ago (it was very bad). I was in AA for the entire summer of 2013. (stopped drinking in June of 2013). I've been white knuckling myself through a year and a half, and finally got around to seeing a psychotherapist this morning. She told me she thinks I should go back to AA. That's not what I wanted to hear. What did I do? Right afterwards went to the nearest liquor store (same block as the appointment.. Midtown in Manhattan) and bought a pint of vodka. Went to starbucks and used the bathroom and put it in a coffee cup. I just threw away a year and a half of sobriety from alcohol immediately after that. I thought I was taking a positive step.

I've been reading citydata forums for years and i've learned so many things and reading so many posts actually have helped me so I wanted to ask this question here. I thought I was going to really hate myself for this, but as of right now I don't. My mind has been in a chronic state of worry since I quit alcohol. I was on two antidepressants, but I stopped them after a while. I'm very well read on medications.

I wanted to talk to her about my past. (that's specifically why I sought out a psychotherapist). I have a very rough time in any social atmosphere sober.

I'm sorry if my thoughts are a little mixed up in this post and probably leaving out a lot. Why did I do this? I never had any issues controlling myself around alcohol since quitting. The second I took that first sip this morning after the appointment I felt like a ton of weight was lifted from me. I was smiling again taking the subway home. I was able to feel joy. Based on my family history of drug and alcohol abuse I know where this could wind up. But is that always the case? Is there anyone out there who can relate to what just happened to me today?

I was hoping the therapist I saw today would maybe incorporate some CBT along with the psychoanalysis. My anxiety for the last year has been so extreme. Should I just let it be now? Not drink again? I'm really confused
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Old 01-24-2015, 01:11 PM
 
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No more drinking and back to AA

Sorry
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Old 01-24-2015, 01:16 PM
 
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Thanks, you are probably right. It's not what I wanted to hear though. It stings.
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Old 01-24-2015, 01:18 PM
 
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You know the drill. Get to a meeting. Call your sponsor.

You are an alcoholic and alcohol is a poison to your body. Therapists are not supposed to tell you what you want to hear. You do not pay good money for a 45 minute hour getting your ego stroked.

Get to a meeting today.
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Old 01-24-2015, 04:02 PM
 
Location: Phoenix, AZ
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OP, has your psychiatrist ever given you a prescription for one of the benzos? (valium, xanax, ativan.) One psychiatrist I saw called these meds "drinks in pill form." While that may sound clever, that doesn't give these meds justice.) (I stopped seeing this Dr. BTW) In proper uses, benzos are very helpful, esp. for anxious people like you and I.

Unfortunately, I don't find the same "weight off my shoulders" from a drink like I used to when I was younger.
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Old 01-24-2015, 04:51 PM
 
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I don't have a psychiatrist. My GP prescribed me in the past wellbutrin and citalopram. I tried both, and to be honest, abused both. I started Wellbutrin 3 months after I got sober from alcohol. I literally felt it kick in within 20 minutes of taking the first pill. Kicking in meaning an altering of my mood and that is what I wanted. I think benzos would do me a world of good logically, but knowing myself I think there is so much potential for abuse that I don't want to go down that road. Big history of family drug abuse makes me a bit weary. I really was just hoping for a professional to tell me to get over myself hang ups and past and stop caring so much about what other people think and that it's okay to feel uncomfortable in social situations, but the uncomfortable feeling sometimes is so beyond overwhelming that it's hard to describe without sounding like a drama queen to a lot of people.
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Old 01-24-2015, 05:28 PM
 
Location: Back and Beyond
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I am an internet stranger so take my advice with a grain of Salt. While I was an addict, I only went to one or two AA meetings. They are not for me, and therefore not for everyone. What I recommend for any addict is self empowerment, which I feel AA doesn't provide for me. Who wants to hear all those stories every week? I just want to move on ....

First off, don't get hung up on your one drink and "throwing away a year and a half of sobriety" You are still sober you just made a mistake... One drink isn't taking anything away from the positive direction you took in your life.

Next, IMO benzos antidepressants and all medications aren't good for all addicts. Maybe they work for some people, but then your giving your power away to "needing your meds". If you abused anti depressants than AVOID benzos at all costs, by are worse than alcohol in many ways.

What you really need is a life makeover. You need to be outside and in nature more. I know the nature thing sounds like hippy bs but just try it. Whenever you are feeling stressed for a drink, go outside for a walk. Plan a hiking trip, go to a national park or forest, become reconnected with the earth. To truly get over an addiction you must become self reliant. You can't give your power away to AA meetings or pills. Find the power within yourself. Your life feels stagnant and pointless, making you crave something more like a drink. Get out and travel, shake things up, do something you always wanted to do, return to nature.

I am sure I'll catch lots of flack from this from the "AA is the only way" crowd but it worked for me. I was a hardcore addict just as bad as anyone else.... I don't feel the need anymore to associate with any ex addicts... I haven't had even a craving in years because I now believe in myself and am self reliant to a certain degree... I completely switched up my life and traveled the whole country and gained life changing perspectives about myself and the world along the way. If I would of made excuses and stayed at my crappy depressing job in my crappy depressing hometown I might be singing a different tune now.

Anyways, do what works for you.... If anti depressants and AA meetings is what it takes then go for it. But in the back of your mind remember what that crazy internet guy told you about nature and self reliance. It worked for me and others I know. At least supplement whatever way works for you by spending time in nature.

And most of all don't let your slip up get you down. You slipped up now man up and get over it, don't try to let it happen again. Remember you are more capable than anything you ever imagined, you just got to break through and find out what works for you. Good luck random internet stranger.
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Old 01-24-2015, 05:59 PM
 
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Hey thank you SO much for your post. I've been living in NYC for 14 years and only as of 3 years ago did I discover the beach. I love it. Quick subway ride away and it's right there, I don't know how I missed it for so long. Since my last three summers have been so relaxing and amazing for me mentally and even spiritually (im not spiritual so that is another thing that was hard in AA) I feel like winter just puts me in a really bad funk. Anyone in Florida right now want to switch lives for a few weeks!? JK, but not really. Back to what you were saying in your reply though, I honestly think I would love nature. I just got a new dog into my life last spring.. And it was the beach back in 2012 that I SWEAR made something click in my brain that said stop abusing alcohol and it happened the next year. I also don't have the inner *cant thing of the right word* to push it so hard and long in NYC. Ugh, it's a really draining place to live if you just want to be a chill person. Everyone you talk to about it just says oh you're just running away from your problems and how insanely great nyc is. (sorry,14 years living here proper, and my life before that right across the river in NJ no.)
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Old 01-25-2015, 10:39 AM
 
522 posts, read 735,682 times
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Maybe talk therapy along with the citaloprin? Alcohol abuse is a form of self medicating...so why? Maybe you need to find out why you need to self medicate. Just taking an anti anxiety drug doesn't necessarily help the root problem!
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Old 01-25-2015, 11:10 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Aquarius37 View Post
I also don't have the inner *cant thing of the right word* to push it so hard and long in NYC. Ugh, it's a really draining place to live if you just want to be a chill person. Everyone you talk to about it just says oh you're just running away from your problems and how insanely great nyc is. (sorry,14 years living here proper, and my life before that right across the river in NJ no.)
My sister lives in NYC and she says the same thing about it. Maybe a partial solution to your problem is moving out of NYC to a warmer climate...even a little warmer might be helpful, although certainly far from a cure-all. Granted, that's a long term project, but something to think about.
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