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Old 06-09-2015, 11:47 AM
 
Location: Seattle, Washington
8,435 posts, read 8,975,222 times
Reputation: 1701

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Quote:
Originally Posted by RonkonkomaNative View Post
Do you wish to be a victim? I am reading a story of survival, and courage. You raised your children as a single parent. Your mother may have been difficult, but how does that matter? You survived. That is pretty awesome.
As a daughter of a narcissist myself, you really have to live it to understand. It is not that you wish to be a victim and survival NEVER happens. There are two choices... Leave or deal but you can never have a real mother-daughter relationship.

"They're [narcissists] emotional vampires, feeding off yours and others' tragedies, and always dismiss or otherwise ruin your successes and celebrations. I found therefore that dealing with my narcissistic mother involved only the most banal of conversation - I could share neither my highs nor my lows as both were used as fodder for her drama and self-centredness." Source

Not only are you subjected to this as a child (it's all your fault, you are the bad one, all my problems are because of you, etc.) but you don't realize it isn't you until you are an adult. Some never realize it and become narcissists themselves.

I finally had enough and cut off contact. However, just recently she used a family birthday (I did not go but my kids did) as a venue for giving my kids money with a note. The note stated that because your mom refuses to have a relationship with me, I am so sad. Please understand that I love you and will do anything for you....... Blah Blah. This coming from a woman that maybe saw her grandkids once or twice a year (by her choice before I cut her off).

Emotional vampire is an understatement!

To the OP: I found this site really helpful: Daughters with Narcissistic Mothers
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Old 06-09-2015, 11:51 AM
 
Location: Seattle, Washington
8,435 posts, read 8,975,222 times
Reputation: 1701
Quote:
Originally Posted by jessiewhit View Post
I had some therapy about my own Narcissistic Mom, and in the end its up to me to change how I react. I will never be close, can never confide or trust her. She is basically dead to me. Just last week I became so upset that I contacted a suicide prevention chat. Her goal is to cause havoc, so that she doesn't have to deal with herself. She made me into a person who has been abused by others, because that's all I know. One of my biggest problems, is that every person in her life has told me how she acts, violently, inappropriate, constantly starting fights with everyone, but they won't back me up. I am her special target. I am getting ready to go no contact on her again. I would never introduce a man to my mom, because she would tell them bad things about me and try to sabotage. I could go on for days, but the bottom line is it's up to me to set boundaries, meaning little to no contact. Good luck!
So sad! Sorry you have one too. I ended up in abusive relationships too until I realized what was going on. No contact is what works best for me but my younger sister still tries.
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Old 06-09-2015, 01:55 PM
 
Location: So Ca
17,944 posts, read 16,600,887 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by springazure View Post
She was the most destructive and vile person I've ever known.
It sounds awful, especially since you were an only child. I think there are some support forums for daughters of NPD mothers.
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Old 06-09-2015, 06:44 PM
 
Location: Charleston SC
102 posts, read 94,193 times
Reputation: 81
Well for all my big talk earlier, I am now in a panic spiral because of mommie dearest. I just Graduated college and am starting Grad school in a few weeks and she's nagging and wanting every little detail and keeps saying such negative things, like how I need a job and am going to be homeless. She could easily help me out, but loves to rub in that hopefully I can at least pay my power bill. I looked at probably 1000 jobs, and applied for every one in every field that I was almost qualified. I received one call back for pay so low that I said no. Of course now I'm regretting not accepting that job. I wasn't able to enjoy graduation at all because of her negative comments. She acts like I do nothing and can do nothing. I want to tell her to f off so bad. I've been in such financial trouble these years I've been in school and she knows if she send me a few hundred dollars that I'll talk to her. All I can say is make sure you are a success and then run away from these narcissistic moms. I have told her many times that talking to her or receiving multiple emails in one day send me over the edge, this she mocks. She promised to pay for school and then I didn't see a dime, but was instead screamed at one inch from my face for choosing to live in poverty.
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Old 06-10-2015, 09:31 AM
 
Location: Seattle, Washington
8,435 posts, read 8,975,222 times
Reputation: 1701
Quote:
Originally Posted by jessiewhit View Post
Well for all my big talk earlier, I am now in a panic spiral because of mommie dearest. I just Graduated college and am starting Grad school in a few weeks and she's nagging and wanting every little detail and keeps saying such negative things, like how I need a job and am going to be homeless. She could easily help me out, but loves to rub in that hopefully I can at least pay my power bill. I looked at probably 1000 jobs, and applied for every one in every field that I was almost qualified. I received one call back for pay so low that I said no. Of course now I'm regretting not accepting that job. I wasn't able to enjoy graduation at all because of her negative comments. She acts like I do nothing and can do nothing. I want to tell her to f off so bad. I've been in such financial trouble these years I've been in school and she knows if she send me a few hundred dollars that I'll talk to her. All I can say is make sure you are a success and then run away from these narcissistic moms. I have told her many times that talking to her or receiving multiple emails in one day send me over the edge, this she mocks. She promised to pay for school and then I didn't see a dime, but was instead screamed at one inch from my face for choosing to live in poverty.
One daughter of Narcissist uses a technique that manipulates her mom using what her mom says. For example, her mom will say she never gets out and what her daughter wears is horrible so she should take mom out shopping. Daughter agrees but as soon as they meet up, mom starts in with the negativity and criticism. Daughter starts walking away saying if mom continues, she will leave. Mom relents.

You say your mom will give you money if you talk to her... use that to your advantage. Get her to agree to paying you to talk to her but when you are on the phone tell her if she continues to talk about whatever you dislike, you are hanging up. If she continues, hang up. You can call her right back and ask if she wants to continue or you can wait for her to call again. Practicing this is hard and takes great will power. I gave up and cut off contact but it sounds as if it would benefit you to have her around.

A narcissist can only have drama if there is someone to give it to them!

Another technique to help you not take on her words is The Emotional Freedom Technique. I haven't tried it since it's been over 20 years since my mother had any control in my life but it sounds like it's worth a try.

Whatever you do... DON'T believe a word she says. Not even when she says she loves you! Why? because the "I love you" is a trap that allows her to hurt you even more when her actions and words say "I don't love you." Protect yourself and call her on her lies.
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Old 06-14-2015, 01:33 PM
 
Location: Finland
6,396 posts, read 5,923,220 times
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I feel so sorry for you all but I'm hoping you might have some advice for me. My daughter's father has BPD and I strongly strongly suspect he is a narcissist as well (he is very narcissistic anyway, but also fits many of the symptoms of the disorder) - how best can I help her with dealing with him? What would have helped you?
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Old 06-14-2015, 02:03 PM
 
Location: Seattle, Washington
8,435 posts, read 8,975,222 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Natsku View Post
I feel so sorry for you all but I'm hoping you might have some advice for me. My daughter's father has BPD and I strongly strongly suspect he is a narcissist as well (he is very narcissistic anyway, but also fits many of the symptoms of the disorder) - how best can I help her with dealing with him? What would have helped you?
Not sure what would have helped to be honest. Realizing it's a disorder and recognizing the things they do that are manipulative is key. I don't know what else to say without knowing the situation a little more in detail. How old is your daughter and does she live with him full time?
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Old 06-14-2015, 02:20 PM
 
Location: Finland
6,396 posts, read 5,923,220 times
Reputation: 10321
Quote:
Originally Posted by katjonjj View Post
Not sure what would have helped to be honest. Realizing it's a disorder and recognizing the things they do that are manipulative is key. I don't know what else to say without knowing the situation a little more in detail. How old is your daughter and does she live with him full time?
She's 4 and lives with me but sees him fairly regularly, not sure how regularly that'll be in the future as I'm going after sole custody. He is already manipulating her, making her think she can only love one father-figure at a time - she has a step-dad and he tells me she often asks him is she allowed to love her dad or not.
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Old 06-14-2015, 02:52 PM
 
Location: Charleston SC
102 posts, read 94,193 times
Reputation: 81
Thanks for the advice katjonjj. I don't take her phone calls, this is all happening over facebook and email. I did call her on one thing, she told me I could go live in France for a month and farm in exchange for room and board. I said to her "why don't you go, nothing is holding you back." She said oh I am going as soon as I do x, y, z. I think I forgot to say that she has a drinking/weed problem, in my opinion. She denies it. When I saw her last I said I did not wish to ride with anyone who had been drinking or smoking and she said "how dare you say that about something I love". She is basically a lost person, and I do feel sorry for her. She will not change, my therapist told me she will not change, I know she will not change. It's a game over power and I no longer wish to play. Natsku, when you get into the money part of custody, then you will see if he's a narcissist or not. I don't know how to help you help your daughter. So sorry for you. Good luck and keep us posted.
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Old 06-14-2015, 03:09 PM
 
Location: Seattle, Washington
8,435 posts, read 8,975,222 times
Reputation: 1701
Quote:
Originally Posted by Natsku View Post
She's 4 and lives with me but sees him fairly regularly, not sure how regularly that'll be in the future as I'm going after sole custody. He is already manipulating her, making her think she can only love one father-figure at a time - she has a step-dad and he tells me she often asks him is she allowed to love her dad or not.
It would be hard at that age. I think the only thing you can do is let her know that her dad is ill (not life threatening) and might say things he doesn't mean or that aren't true. Tell her if she feels funny about anything he says to her, she can come to you for an explanation. Fostering open communication with her will be key. She won't be able to understand her father's condition until much later so it's best just to explain it as an illness so she is less likely to take what he says to heart. But you have to be careful so that you aren't attacking him but rather explaining his words/behavior in a way she can understand.
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