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My name is Justin and I am the epitome of failure. I am 31 years old going on 32 in 5 months and I work as a custodian. I hate my job, it's the kind of job where they tell you that if you don't get good grades that's what you'll end up being. People look down on that job and therefore look down on me.
It wasn't always like this, I used to have a career until I crashed and burned in 2010, I ended up going back on social security disability( I was previously on it due to severe depression, ADHD, and autism spectrum disorder) and that turned out to be a double edged sword. See I work in Information Technology and prior to going back on benefits I was working full time in the field, but I kept getting laid off and losing jobs. In addition there is now a large gap in my resume thanks to just working part time and being on benefits. I don't want to be on benefits and working part time as a janitor, but I have been trying to secure full time employment in my field for the past 3 years and have no luck. My work history has pretty much branded me as a "bad" employee.
THe only things I was able to get in this time period was a low paying job a computer shop where I ended up quiting because the boss was a jerk (another mark against me on my resume) I also occasionally volunteer my skills at a local rescue mission which has helped somewhat.
I am also in school for additional training (I have an associates in Information Technology) to get some IT certfications, but because of my poor work history it may all be for naught.
As a matter of fact I just got off the phone with an employer for a brief phone screening, he questioned why I am currently working as a janitor and I didn't know what to say to him other than I "didn't make the best choices" he also said he knows the guy who runs the computer shop and he asked if he could call him for reference and if he did would he get a good reference I told him probably not because I didn't leave there on the best terms, so obviously I am not going to get an in person interview.
I am at my wits end, I am sick of my position in life not improving, I am sick of struggling financially, I am sick of being looked down upon. I know I am in school and I am volunteering but I am just afraid it's all for naught because of my tainted work history.
I really want to die because I am sick of being defeated and having to humble myself all the time. If I am going to spend the rest of my life struggling and feeling behind everyone else.
I don't have many friends I can turn to other than my girlfriend, and while she is supportive like every thing else in my life the relationship has complexities, I made a thread about my relationship you can read it here if you wish:
All in all I am just sick of everything, I am sick of things not working out for me, I am sick of everything having to be complex, and I am sick of platitudes from people (year after year) like "hang in there it will get better" because it never f'ing does!
I think suicide is a good option for me because I am sick of having doors slammed in my face and failing time and time again. I am sick of getting hurt by people that are supposedly my "friends" and family.
I cannot continue living this way, I'd rather die than continue to struggle through life. To me it's just not worth it.
I know some people are going to be deeply hurt by my passing especially my mom, but she has 3 other kids all of which have problems similar to mine to one degree of another so she will have one less "kid" to worry about. My girlfriend will get over it because I haven't been in her life that long, and I don't think she cares about me as much as she thinks she does because she is not doing much to address the issue outlined in the thread I posted.
I really think it would be better if I was dead, after all I am on social security and a drain on the tax payers so I'll be saving the tax payers money, there's a plus right there.
Life just doesn't seem worth the struggle I have encountered more pain and misery than joy and life just doesn't seem worth living anymore.
I'm not going to be one of those people that can tell you, "oh, you got so much more to live for".
But, a custodian job seems to be one of those jobs where as long as you do what's on the order for that day, you get left alone(ie,. not hounded all the time by work phone calls) than some of the "upper echelon" people in that office.
Hell, even in what I consider my "non major" job driving a milk-tanker, I still get harassed quite often by dispatch, on and off work. Not a day goes by where I feel like wanting to do them dirty.
But, I translate all that negative energy into minor shows of disobedience.
Speaking in a low, monotone all the time., Being a general smart-mouth,. Whatever it takes to show them that I couldn't care any less beyond just getting the nights work done.
There were times where I thought like this, but in the end, I decided to just find ways to stick around and stick it back to them.
It's one thing to "take yourself out", get mourned for a specific amount of time, and then everyone get back to their normal routine again after not too long.
In short, it's like they went back to forgetting you were there again and whatever you expected to accomplish by killing yourself ultimately failed.
No, instead you should look towards becoming the "pain in the back-side" that no one wants around, but are unable to get rid of short of borderline discriminatory harassment of some type.
Leave a mark.
In my case, I've found my niche as being the archetypal weirdo that's averse to many things, but will also save ones behind in another.
And also, you say you have a girlfriend.
I have none and also no real support network for emotional issues to fall back on.
I get by, you should be able to much more easily than I do.
In a way, you're already leaps and bounds ahead of me, and I don't even think things like suicide and despair as much any more.
It's your ship and you're the captain.
I'm just regaling you with my own short tale.
In short, it's like they went back to forgetting you were there again and whatever you expected to accomplish by killing yourself ultimately failed.
The only thing I am looking to accomplish is my own death. I want it not for others to feel sorry for me (I get enough of that, part of the reason I want to leave), but to finally be able to as they say "rest in peace"
I find very ironic that when someone dies of cancer or some other terminal illness they say things like "they are at peace now" "they are with God", etc. But when someone commits suicide they react differently they only care about their own pain and not the pain of the person who ended their life.
If people are just going to forget about me and go on with their lives, that gives me some solace because the pain may not be as a bad as people are making it out to be.
The only thing I am looking to accomplish is my own death. I want it not for others to feel sorry for me (I get enough of that, part of the reason I want to leave), but to finally be able to as they say "rest in peace"
I find very ironic that when someone dies of cancer or some other terminal illness they say things like "they are at peace now" "they are with God", etc. But when someone commits suicide they react differently they only care about their own pain and not the pain of the person who ended their life.
If people are just going to forget about me and go on with their lives, that gives me some solace because the pain may not be as a bad as people are making it out to be.
That is deep right there.
I would probably add more, but I just wonder how long this thread will be open until some one gets disturbed by it.
We talk about things like this all the time, but when someone just barely starts to advocate for it, all hell seems to break lose and knee-jerk reaction, damage control spares no expense.
Then again, I'm no doctor and am only basing my words off of things I've heard from ones I've seen.
You are right with the cancer deaths and such.
But getting down to that, I wonder if they have the same sentiment for those that had it, died, but didn't do anything to fight back?
You are in school for additional training which is a positive thing.
You just had a brief phone screening which is a positive thing.
You have had previous full time experieince in the IT field which is a positive thing.
Notice how your way of thinking did not allow you to fully acknowledge anything other than the negative.
Self worth is not from the external, it is completely individual, cannot be taken away by others judgement and is unmoveable. If people look down on you due to your job, that is their problem.
Only when you base your self worth on their judgement does it then become your problem.
Consider this, in any situation out of your control, you have some control over how you think or see that situation. The next time you notice the bad things in your life, also take some time to highlight anything that could be positive. Try it just for fun.
The way I see it is this. In life many will try to put you down, undermine you, look down on you. You might as well try to avoid doing that to yourself when you can. It is good to try to have a balanced way of thinking. You highlighted the bad things in your life but look at the positives you missed.
Another thing to consider. When you are consumed with negative thoughts, this will have an impact on how you come across when / if you do get a job interview. It will drive people away from you, it will cause problems in your relationships. It will impede your ability to illustrate the skills you gained from your IT work in the past and it will create a negative energy that will push opportunities, people and your goals away. It will become a self fullfilling prophercy.
Remember, we can all die at any time and we all will die one day but we may not have an opportunity to live at any time.
If you truly feel this way, I hope you will reach out to a suicide hotline or the Samaritans. They will give you much better help and guidance than a message board.
Please do not kill yourself. Even if you feel useless now, this does not mean that you will never be able to contribute to the joy of others.
If you truly feel this way, I hope you will reach out to a suicide hotline or the Samaritans. They will give you much better help and guidance than a message board.
Please do not kill yourself. Even if you feel useless now, this does not mean that you will never be able to contribute to the joy of others.
.
Not trying to sound like the downer here, but I've often thought about my misfortunes and how they managed to bring other people up.
I mean, you think your life blows, then all of a sudden someone with an even larger case of the blues comes along and kicks your sob story to the curb.
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