Message of Hope to all (depressed, medication, insurance, trigger)

[creepy]

Hi Folks,

I just want to send out a message of hope to all. I am sending a virtual hug. Well wishes for whatever mental ailment you are experiencing. When I go through very hard times to where I am not sure I can hang on any longer I go into a self care mode. If I can help you - another sufferer then here it is and I hope it help you form a strategy for yourself.

I am going through some tremendous stress right now. I had it all balanced for 2 months of the initial stress but a week ago it tipped the other way to the side of losing it completely. Looking back I see exactly what happened and what I did wrong.

My husband needed me to be near him but I had so much to do with a solo project for 2 months to save our home I was ignoring my feelings. Feelings are an indicator of right or wrong for oneself. They are a gauge you can use to know what course to take. I had looked forward to 2 days off and going to rest a lot despite the horrendous ordeal we are living thru)I am being vague on purpose because I do not want to "go there"). I felt like hostility was building in me then anxiety rushed thru my body. Instead of getting a vacation day it turned into a day of a routine pickup from a store which turned into a disaster. Also I was trying to hide all I was going thru from my son who seemed burdened by what is happening to us.

The day progressed with me realizing I needed to be alone and re-charge but could not due to my promise to my husband. He not being able to help himself got ill then proceeded to tell me he could not ride in my car due to his illness. We then tried to switch gears and go back into vacation mode and have a nice day at the park. He then turned to me and reminded me of something we had to do related to his illness the second we got home. I lost it and told him I had to leave. I then proceeded to suffer from enormous anger and guilt.

I know I have to be careful not to trigger myself back into major anxiety and a depression but had almost done that by ignoring my inner voice. Never ignore the inner voice.

So from that day on I told him I had to what I had to do and that was that. It still sent me into the tailspin of insomnia, tingling hands and feet, heat rising in my back, enormous violent anger. Then it got worse and I am having skin reactions to bites that are at an allergic level due to stress.

So I am now in what my mom and dad called "living in the moment or day by day compartments. This will heal you. You just keep pushing away the "what ifs" and the what I need to do and go into self soothe mode. I also take small amounts of Valium to curb the anxiety and bring it down a notch.

For me doing art or reading about artists and reading in general and watching movies gets me thru these times of elevated anxiety and stress. Doing s few chores but not too many can also help with the excess anxiety.

Each day I say " I will get better, life will be better". I lay flat on my back and relax and breathe in thru my nose and say to myself "in with good" exhale thru the mouth and say "out with bad".

I watch cat videos, old cartoons and whatever soothes me, avoid the news. Avoid all decisions and force yourself back into the moment.

I hope this reminder to myself helps someone get thru their own hard times.

Have faith things will get better.

[ceg0720]

Each day I say " I will get better, life will be better".
I reread your post several times trying to find something and couldn't ..... I am closer to that hole in the ground now so don't see any 'life will get better' ... if I was younger maybe it would have worked .... I am angry at everything and everyone ... I don't have friends, was never married, did have one son (who is following in my footsteps unfortunately), I have no purpose in life, my family doesn't even know whether I'm alive (or don't care - but then I don't blame them because I live out here in the middle of nowhere), my son lives with me but is unaware of my real condition (or maybe he does but is afraid to face it) ... I am getting closer to that paralysis that the doctors told me over 17 years ago about (I've had spinal stenosis and degenerative disc disease for that long now) ... I'm afraid my son will find me on the floor someday and I will not be able to move and I don't know if he will be able to help me ... I have enough meds to take myself out right now .. I have been going over my life and the mistakes I made ... after my son's father dumped me two weeks after he was born I never really gave any man another chance ... I regret that ... I don't know what it is like to be truly loved by someone. I guess life is a big lottery and some people are happy and have a wonderful life and then some are in the middle with some happiness and some sorrow and then at the bottom are those like me who have never really known happiness or success in life. We can look back at our miserable life and how we could have changed it .... but it's too late now ...

[creepy]

ceg0720 I am very sorry to hear of this trouble you are going thru. It is serious and chronic and no fun.

I do think we can do better with what we have to deal with. I admit it sounds terrible that you say " I have no purpose in life,". That is the key right there. You do have to want to have a purpose and find it.

Please call a help line in your area a hotline for mental health and talk. Call each day or every two days for awhile till you feel stronger. Each week you need to have things to look forward to, goals, no matter how small, that are important to you. It could be going to the Library and getting a stack of books. It could be going for a walk a day. It could be watching your fave shows. Watching birds and cute animals on the Internet. It should be a variety of things though and not just one thing.

I think you need to have that talk with your son and get it all out an give him some advice based on your choices. We have a responsibility to our kids and helping them to make good choices.

One way to key into your passions in life is to think about the things that most excited you as a child. What interests did you/do you have? What gets you out of your head? Puzzles, drawing, studying mechanical concepts? I mean sweep a wide net and think about it. Make a list.

Do you like working with kids? Maybe you could volunteer at a local shelter helping the kids do art?

Getting in touch with your own inner child is the key to having the next part of your life successful despite the physical. Look at Frida Khalo and Jean-Dominique Bauby if need be. A mind is a powerful thing.

[nightbird47]

I used to feed on 'what ifs'. I'd get up and be fine, then something would trigger a memory of the mess life was, and I'd spiral down that path. I could go from functional to sure the world was going to end in a few minutes. I lived in an area where there were tons of triggers to slip me back to the bad time too, and so the doctor would up the dosage of my meds. More just made me more manic and I slept less. And triggers got more and more powerful.

Eventually I took the first step of moving away to somewhere where nothing was familiar. The what ifs were still there, and it was a hard time, but I also backed out of all the medication really really slowly. When I was at half the origional dose, I ran out. Nothing happened. I naturally cycle, but to a small degree, and predictably. But I was clear enough to face the terrible what if's. I could look at the particulars, and when you do that you *take away* their power.

If something really bad happened to you, the floor fell out on your life, then you'll always know that tomorrow it could again. That security blanket is gone. But you can slow down the panic, and look at it one item at a time. If that one thing happens, then what? And what you do is take away the emotion. When the driving fear is gone, then you can see how it hasn't happened, and how you can *plan* on the if, but hold off the fear.

Life is full of what ifs, and sometimes they happen, but you can't use up your life worried they will.

[Nickchick]

This is as good as it gets for me. It's never going to get better. I'm always going to feel like a loser because no one will let me make something of my life. I try so hard even when I'm not trying I'm still trying I'm trying to get motivated and decide what the best course of action is and they all reject me. I've asked for advice and no one who has the power to help fix my situation cares. I'm sure if I died tomorrow people like my doctor would say "oh she should have listened to me when I said to take the medicine" the employment agency would be burdened with one less person. It's only the little people that care, the people who don't know what to say the only advice they can give is stuff I've already tried.
I know I can do it if they would just let me but they never will because like Sean on Boy Meets World said "there will always be that Eskimo standing in my way" I just want a job and then I would feel good about myself but fate doesn't want to give it to me.
I wish I could just go on an island take my dogs with me and fend for myself so I wouldn't have to burden anyone who cares. I may not be an ahole like my father but I'm no better than him when it comes to being an adult. I don't know what my bf sees in me I really don't. He doesn't see it but he's dating a child...an invalid. I've contemplated breaking up with him because I just make everything worse.

[creepy]

nightbird47 good for you.

I am glad you took those steps. Sometimes a drastic change in locale is the answer. For some getting off meds is the answer, for some getting on meds is the answer.

It is hard because we have to try different things and often we are already stressed and the trying is painful.

I also hate the "what ifs" they get me real bad sometimes.

Nickchick, maybe it is not your fault-if you live in a n area that is depressed economically then it doe not matter what you try your in a lousy place. Moving might help you. Counseling could help. You have to have value to yourself not just to your boyfriend. You have value-everyone has value.

[Nickchick]

Originally Posted by creepy

nightbird47 good for you.

I am glad you took those steps. Sometimes a drastic change in locale is the answer. For some getting off meds is the answer, for some getting on meds is the answer.

It is hard because we have to try different things and often we are already stressed and the trying is painful.

I also hate the "what ifs" they get me real bad sometimes.

Nickchick, maybe it is not your fault-if you live in a n area that is depressed economically then it doe not matter what you try your in a lousy place. Moving might help you. Counseling could help. You have to have value to yourself not just to your boyfriend. You have value-everyone has value.

I wouldn't even know how to move especially by myself. I could move in with him probably because he hates his roommate and he lives in a different city but I'm really not comfortable with that. I like my neighborhood too. I wish that you could box it up and put it in another city because I do hate my city but I feel safe where I live. Also I've been to a therapist before and they never helped. I need a specialized therapist, my only solution is if I talk to a therapist and they could get me to a specialized therapist that would diagnose me and understand how my brain works. They'd have to work with me though and not prescribe me medicine but I don't know what you get on free insurance. You can't get holistic doctors so you probably can't get specialized help in counseling either. That's what I need- a life coach just until I got into a decent job.
Other people don't help because there really isn't a lot in my area but it's also my fault too. I am haunted by the many regrets I harbor. While I'm trying really hard I've made too many mistakes. I know mistakes are a part of being human but mine are worse. There are too many stupid moves that I've made in the past.