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Old 03-06-2015, 07:27 PM
 
3 posts, read 2,873 times
Reputation: 12

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my fiancée is gorgeous and I love him so much it hurts we have been together for 2 years we live together when I met him he was a ex opiate addict and has been to rehab and is on medication for dependency i had what everyone wants someone who loves them unconditionally and treats them like gold but now he is on a downward spiral and using Xanax and sometimes uppers theres really no drug he has not tried had I known that if the beginning I wouldn't have returned the first call... the bad part is that he was abused as a child and he has ptsd and bad anxiety so it started out with the anxiety attacks and he needed the Xanax legit but now he just abuses them he lies about his behavior and dosnt own up to how much he uses or spends im always suspicious of what hes doing and the shady people he gets to encounter daily im finaly done feeling like this I am at my breaking point im starting to have my own anxiety from dealing with his bull crap I don't want to have to put up with a addicts lies and mood swings and not to mention the sexual side effects and I know I would tell someone in my shoes to leave you know better but its never that simple when its you im debating on if I should try the last ditch effort of a ultimatum and try to be supportive and help him or do I just kick him out .....what do you say to someone you love so much to tell him your done quit or leave because your killing us
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Old 03-07-2015, 05:07 AM
 
11,077 posts, read 9,954,887 times
Reputation: 17037
what do you say to someone you love so much to tell him your done quit or leave because your killing us

Ask yourself why you're with him in the first place:

1) Is it because you think he fulfills your needs and enhances your life?

2) Is it because you think love will conquer all and he'll throw the pills in the trash and be the man you want him to be?

3) Is it because you were raised in a substance-abuse household and it's familiar to you and feels comfortable?

4) Is it because you have little to no self-esteem, self-respect and/or self-confidence?

5) Is it because having him around is better than nothing?

6) Is it because you believe you can cure his addictions?

This isn't about "what you say to him", it's all about "why you're there in the first place".

He has you believing the world revolves around him; you focus everything on "him"; you're denying your own needs; and you're losing your identity.

Whatever you have with him now will never get better, it will only get worse. And if you want that lifestyle and spend your life walking on eggshells, keep him in your life.
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Old 03-07-2015, 06:22 AM
 
Location: Dallas, TX and Las Vegas, NV
6,241 posts, read 5,032,290 times
Reputation: 13663
This will end with you being sad and hurt. You can choose to end it now or live another decade with a stone in your heart, years of lost time, perhaps even a child or two drawn into the mess of your life.

It took me a dozen years to give up, always thinking I could make him realize the value in staying straight. A dozen years of pain. Finally gave up in 1983. I am an old lady now and still when I hear the song "Say something I'm giving up on you" it pulls at my soul.

I will go to my grave regretting all the wasted years.
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Old 03-07-2015, 06:54 AM
 
Location: USA
2,860 posts, read 2,254,368 times
Reputation: 4749
I saw your post in another thread.

//www.city-data.com/forum/relat...ll-addict.html

My friend is a drug addict. We dont see much of each other anymore because of his addiction.

I had to put on my big girl panties to realize he isn't going to change. And I had to build my own life without him. You can't love him enough to make him stop. If that was possible then there wouldn't be many addicts

only themselves can decide when they want to change. Even if they do, there's always a chance for a relaspe.

I said this once and will say it again. Do you want to be the one to find him dead of an overdose? I know someone that did. She couldn't live with herself after the fact and several years later O'D/committed suicide,
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Old 03-08-2015, 01:06 PM
 
5,697 posts, read 5,605,234 times
Reputation: 1939
find out what is going on with you
that you end up with someone like him
I have been in recovery for over 30 years
but I have not been sober but for 16 years
the reason is my first time sober lasted 13 years, BUT
I refused to get real with my co-dependency and as a result I relapsed for 2 more years
I had to face me
if you do not get real for you
you will change faces with relationships, but will fall short every time
co-dependency will kill
go get help
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Old 03-08-2015, 10:47 PM
 
Location: I'm around here someplace :)
3,633 posts, read 4,584,913 times
Reputation: 3980
Quote:
Originally Posted by katie45 View Post
what do you say to someone you love so much to tell him your done quit or leave because your killing us



He has you believing the world revolves around him; you focus everything on "him"; you're denying your own needs; and you're losing your identity.

Whatever you have with him now will never get better, it will only get worse. And if you want that lifestyle and spend your life walking on eggshells, keep him in your life.
Accurate, and excellent advice.
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Old 03-09-2015, 07:54 AM
 
Location: Herndon, VA
2,202 posts, read 2,350,667 times
Reputation: 8119
Quote:
Originally Posted by nicolea1982 View Post
my fiancée is gorgeous...
I think it's interesting and very telling that this is the first and only positive quality you listed for your fiance. Don't you?
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Old 03-09-2015, 08:49 AM
 
13,054 posts, read 16,157,674 times
Reputation: 15303
Drug addiction, even dependence, is a very difficult road to follow. It takes a LOT of strong will and determination to beat it....and has to be something one really really wants.
Withdrawals can be very intense. Some people just can't overcome it.
You can still love him, but maybe for your own sake, not stay with him.
Let him know you still really care for him, but you just can't deal with his refusal to to be honest about his addictions.
Sometimes we have to take care of ourselves first...to be strong for others.
It's his turn now to prove that he cares more for your love and support than he does his pills.
It's harsh, I know, but he could do it if he really, really wanted to.
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Old 03-15-2015, 09:41 AM
 
5,697 posts, read 5,605,234 times
Reputation: 1939
I am in recovery and I promise you a strong will is NOT what is needed
good grief we are strong willed how else could we produce so much pain and destruction and yet KEEP using/drinking
drugs is a SYMPTOM of the disease!!
anyone involved with an active addict or active alcohol needs their OWN recovery!!!
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Old 03-15-2015, 10:34 AM
 
Location: Coastal Georgia
39,291 posts, read 48,275,827 times
Reputation: 66939
More experienced people than I have given you good advice, so I hope you take it. I'll just add that it is not healthy to allow another person to call the shots in your life. You must steer your own ship, and you cannot change your boyfriend. Only he can.
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