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Old 03-11-2015, 08:23 PM
 
126 posts, read 99,052 times
Reputation: 122

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Hello all,

I'm realizing that my parents are more likely than not sociopaths who screwed up my head. My mother was a child prodigy who uses her intelligence to destroy people (sent my Ivy League ex-gf to a mental hospital, which I imagine she's rather proud of), and my dad is a supremely charismatic and cruel mother****er. Only now at 32 am I seeing the damage they did to me: it's like they programmed me almost perfectly to be a slave to them, and to other abusive people.

I tried seeing two therapists, both sexually harassed me, one manipulated the crap out of me because my brain has been completely fried. I'm a wonderfully perfect creation of my genius mother, I guess. Funny how it runs in the family: both of her brothers graduated at the top of their classes at MIT, one helped revolutionize cell-phone technology, so we can thank him in part for the smartphones we have in our pockets. I guess I'm a human engineering project of my mother.

How the crap can I get a handle on this? I'm slowly untwisting the knots ... in fact, I've been working on this for five years now, but it's been like solving this ancient puzzle box from another dimension. Albert Ellis and his crew (REBT) have been a great help, and their reliance on checking the evidence has been the key to breaking out of this stuff, but it just feels so incredibly slow.

When I get to one irrational belief, it links into another, then another, then another, with trauma sandwiched in between that my mom would induce which hampers reasoning, and I realize she created all of that for me ... she really knew what she was doing here. It's some damn good work, I have to admit. Her father was a psychological operations officer in the military and a PR executive, and a pretty evil dude in his own right, so I guess she picked up a few tricks from him.

I've been kidnapped, raped, and have almost died because of this stuff. I'm still in danger because of it. This is pretty serious. I'm frustrated with how much of my life I've lost already, how much of it was spent in excruciating pain and confusion, and how much I still want to do with my life. But I still feel so far away from fixing all this, and time keeps running out since I'm already in my 30s.

Any ideas? I have no one right now. No family. No friends. No one I can trust. Never once in my life even had a real relationship. I just feel like I'm never going to have any of the stuff a lot of people are just born with, and I'm so far away from experiencing any of it, on top of maintaining my responsibilities as an adult. Sometimes I think killing myself would be a pretty rational move.
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Old 03-11-2015, 08:44 PM
 
Location: Under the Milky Way
1,209 posts, read 880,188 times
Reputation: 4843
I'm terribly sorry these traumatic things happened to you. Find a therapist you can trust and work at getting the help you need no matter how long it takes. DO NOT kill yourself, it is NOT a rational move-don't even allow that to be a consideration ever. Suicide is never the answer, no matter how bad your problems are. Please get help. I wish strength and healing for you in your life.
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Old 03-11-2015, 09:00 PM
 
126 posts, read 99,052 times
Reputation: 122
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gfab1 View Post
I'm terribly sorry this happened to you. Find a therapist you can trust and work at getting the help you need no matter how long it takes. DO NOT kill yourself, it is NOT a rational move-don't even allow that to be a consideration ever. Suicide is never the answer, no matter how bad your problems are. Please get help. I wish strength and healing for you in your life.
I took that advice before and got abused twice. I think I've learned enough that I think I can figure out who I can trust and not to trust, though ... so that's progress, at least. The work it's going to take to get to this point is IMMENSE, though. Massive project on my hands here. Just to do stuff normal people could do pretty easily. Sucks, but that's life I guess.

I used to believe being kidnapped, tortured, raped, and almost murdered was actually the way things were supposed to be in the world. That those people were right. That it was my job to endure such hardships for the benefits of those people, and my death meant nothing; in fact, I deserved to die. The value and quality of my life was a non-existent thought. Am I wrong about this? Is this not how life should be? Because I really don't have any contrary experiences here. Most of my family would agree with this belief, because they taught it to me.

(note: this is actually an incredibly complex belief summarized ... there's some really interesting and intricate stuff going on with an obviously self-destructive belief like that, hence, why I'm pretty amazed these people were able to pull it off)

It's like ... I grew up in a cult, run by ridiculously intelligent, ****ed up people. And now I'm escaping it. My grandfather texted me the other week after I went "no contact" with him, and he was telling me he felt like a shepherd who lost one of his sheep. Reminded me of something I'd see in some creepy B-movie with an evil hooded cult leader or something.
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Old 03-11-2015, 09:33 PM
 
Location: Under the Milky Way
1,209 posts, read 880,188 times
Reputation: 4843
First off, your life absolutely has value and meaning.
Secondly, NO ONE has a "right" to abuse anyone else under any circumstance.

I really feel for you that you were taught to think such twisted things. Your family sounds like they are very, very sick people. Unfortunately, very intelligent and upper-class people can be sick abusers just as well as trailer trash poor people. Please do not resume contact with your grandfather, or any of your family if they have commited or condoned your abuse.

Please use your strength and intelligence to find SAFE people to help you work through the horrifying abuse you have suffered. It really sounds like some kind of MKultra scenario, especially given the military connection. DO NOT give up! You are worth a whole lot! You are a unique and special person! My thoughts are with you lookingforadvice, you can get through this!
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