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Old 03-28-2015, 06:11 AM
 
5,030 posts, read 4,547,090 times
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A little background ; dh is prone to depression, had a bad bout in 1995 where he would talk about crashing into a tree, then another bad bout in 2010 where he was hospitalized for a week. Due to that, he wanted to move back across the pond, but to France but instead we settled in Pittsburgh ; we have two boys who are in high school now. In France, I would have been the only one speaking French and I felt it was a huge change for all of us.
Well, the first 18 months here, he didn't work, went back to school for a semester and then we needed the money so he got a job with is old employer and commuted 160 miles daily. That job ended in December as the store merged with another store. So he has been out of work since then. I have worked all the time here. He also has gone to therapy here for a few months but hasn't gone in about 6 months. I keep in touch with my old therapist in NY via phone sessions twice a month.
Recently he was offered a Job in Cleveland, turned it down as it was $10K less than his old job and we would have needed to get a place for him to live. He started a CDL course two weeks ago and still has 8 weeks left on it to qualify as a CDL driver. Yesterday a job turned up with his old employer in NY and he could just walk into the job. It was paying $20K more than Cleveland, a promotion and he would be with people he likes and worked with for 8 years but knows them for over 20. The only thing is that we would stay in Pittsburgh as the kids are thriving here with school and other activities. In NY, we would also need to rent a place for him.

Please help me understand as I am failing to see this. If you can get a job with a promotion, and are out of work, I would think it would be better to take it even if you have to be away from your family. If he took it, I would move back once the kids are done with school which is 3 years.
Or finish the course, maybe get a job that you are traveling and away over night or for weeks at a time alone. His logic is that if he went back to NY, he would think people would say he couldn't cut it in Pittsburgh. This is a guy who never cared what people thought of him.
I also worry about his past history of depression and him being alone all the time. He has a batchelors in IT but never did anything with that degree so I am afraid that he wouldn't get a job with this cdl course either.

Maybe I am not seeing something here
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Old 03-29-2015, 05:26 AM
 
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When you are involved with a person suffering with depression/bipolar, your life revolves around that person. You do all you can to try and make 'their' life better; you focus on 'their' moods and feelings; you constantly worry about what they will, or will not do.

In other words: your life is put on the shelf. You spend your time walking on eggshells, trying not to upset 'them'. You try to find answers to 'help them'.

You lose your identity.
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Old 03-29-2015, 06:19 AM
 
12,168 posts, read 9,605,804 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by katie45 View Post
When you are involved with a person suffering with depression/bipolar, your life revolves around that person. You do all you can to try and make 'their' life better; you focus on 'their' moods and feelings; you constantly worry about what they will, or will not do.

In other words: your life is put on the shelf. You spend your time walking on eggshells, trying not to upset 'them'. You try to find answers to 'help them'.

You lose your identity.
No, this is not true.

OP, whatever job your husband takes, I would consider moving the entire family. Children change schools all the time. Families move for jobs all the time.

You also need to help your husband get consistent help. Meds and talk therapy.

You also need to make sure YOU are getting the support you need. Look for a NAMI group: https://www.nami.org/Find-Support/NA...-Support-Group
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Old 03-29-2015, 08:42 AM
 
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Originally Posted by charlygal View Post
No, this is not true.

OP, whatever job your husband takes, I would consider moving the entire family. Children change schools all the time. Families move for jobs all the time.

You also need to help your husband get consistent help. Meds and talk therapy.

You also need to make sure YOU are getting the support you need. Look for a NAMI group: https://www.nami.org/Find-Support/NA...-Support-Group
Unfortunately, it is all too true. In a perfect world, it would not be true.
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Old 03-29-2015, 09:10 AM
 
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I agree with Katie ; Since 1983, we have been together. Married for over 25 years. I guess I am stupid, but when he is not depressed, he is full of life, funny, the life and soul of the party and we make a great team. We have immigrated together, been thru cancer (he is a survivor), had a very sick child been thru what I would say two very very serious bouts with depression. He is a great dad when he is not depressed, will give our boys anything and wants them to be as successful as they possibly can. Goes to all their games, and supports them no matter what.
Unfortuantly depression robs us all of out lives and we walk around tip toeing to make sure he doesn't get depressed. The reason why we can't all move to NY together is that our boys are thriving here, they are loving life, and are on the correct road to a good life. Where we lived in NY for 25 years, the public school wasn't great and housing is so expensive. We own our home here and really do like living here so much better.
I have told him to go to therapy, he says it dosnt work for him. He does take his meds, but also needs to take testostosterone which I do know he does not take regularly.
I just cannot see that a job where he is alone all day and some nights is better for him than a job where he knows people, sees them daily and they know us and the situation would be worse. The only thing that would be wrong is that we would be 400 miles away ; that wouldn't be forever, and there is always planes that we could take to visit.
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Old 03-29-2015, 09:31 AM
 
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OP, if you feel that you have no life and no personal identity, then those are your choices. You can choose to be unhappy until you die.

If you life in your current location is so happy, then why the question? Surely, you know that extra money doesn't equate happiness. Help your husband find work in your current location.

Also that getting a CDL and possibly doing long hauls would be a poor option for him with his depression. Research truck drivers, substance abuse and sex addiction.

What type of therapy was your husband doing/ there are different types and maybe something like CBT may be a better option.

Lastly, you and your children still need support. You really should check out NAMI.
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Old 03-29-2015, 09:45 AM
 
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I do get therapy ; when we lived in NY, I went to a therapist for many years, and still continue to have phone sessions biweekly which helps a lot.I have also looked into NAMI in the past.
I don't feel like I have a personal identity ; I just say that it is very hard to be the spouse of a person who suffers with depression. I have helped my husband find work here ; again, the spouse usually does everything and anything possible to help the depressed patient.
I am not saying I am unhappy ; My kids and I love living here, I have a job I like a lot, and the kids are doing fantastic.

Again, my point is that it is so hard to be the spouse of a depressed person as you will move mountains to support them, however that will not help.
I do think that a long haul CDL driver would be bad for him, but he dosnt see the fact that there is a position waiting for him where he would be with people he knows daily and they know him and like him lots ; even supported us thru the last bad bout of depression.
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Old 03-29-2015, 09:49 AM
Status: "The lesser of two evils is still evil." (set 23 days ago)
 
Location: City Data Land
16,283 posts, read 9,646,540 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by katie45 View Post
When you are involved with a person suffering with depression/bipolar, your life revolves around that person. You do all you can to try and make 'their' life better; you focus on 'their' moods and feelings; you constantly worry about what they will, or will not do.

In other words: your life is put on the shelf. You spend your time walking on eggshells, trying not to upset 'them'. You try to find answers to 'help them'.

You lose your identity.
You're generalizing about all depressed/bipolar people. For one thing, when they are having difficulties with their disorder, they will of course need more support. But this is true of everyone who is having problems. For example, if a person is having marital difficulties, he/she will lean on friends or family for support. But if the marriage is going great, the person won't need that support as much. OP's husband will feel better once he takes the job. I think the other poster has a good suggestion about everyone moving. Since husband has problems with depression, being isolated in the city would not be good for his mental health. The rest of the family will miss him as well. Plus you have the big additional expense of keeping up two residences. If he has both a job and your support, the depression will most likely improve markedly. Good luck with your tough decision.
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Old 03-30-2015, 07:13 AM
 
11,153 posts, read 10,048,576 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Scooby Snacks View Post
You're generalizing about all depressed/bipolar people. For one thing, when they are having difficulties with their disorder, they will of course need more support. But this is true of everyone who is having problems. For example, if a person is having marital difficulties, he/she will lean on friends or family for support. But if the marriage is going great, the person won't need that support as much. OP's husband will feel better once he takes the job. I think the other poster has a good suggestion about everyone moving. Since husband has problems with depression, being isolated in the city would not be good for his mental health. The rest of the family will miss him as well. Plus you have the big additional expense of keeping up two residences. If he has both a job and your support, the depression will most likely improve markedly. Good luck with your tough decision.
Comparing marital problems with bipolar is impossible since they are at opposite ends of the spectrum.

What a wonderful world it would be 'if' bipolar could be cured just by the patient getting a job and someone saying they care. One can't just "wish" away chemical depression.

IF a bipolar individual is to have a successful relationship (personal or professional); it is necessary for him/her to take ownership and responsibility to ensure they get the proper medical care and take the proper medications to control the depression.

There are two types of depression: Reactive and Chemical. Reactive depression is usually brought on by emotional trauma. Chemical depression is a physical issue. Neither is treated the same way.

A partner can tell the depressed individual they love them until they can no longer speak, but it doesn't cure anything.
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Old 03-30-2015, 07:52 AM
 
Location: NNJ
10,892 posts, read 6,176,513 times
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For me depression and anxiety go hand in hand....

I'm known in my circles to be an extremely rational and practical person. What they don't know is that my anxiety causes me to have irrational thoughts and sometimes that results in irrational decisions. I have a couple of close people in my life that pull me aside when they believe I'm struggling (often I don't realize it). It prompts me to focus on getting to a "better place" emotionally and mentally before thinking things through with a clearer mind.

The height of my problems occurred in early 2000s when I experienced my first layoff from what many considered a dream job... this was just after, graduating, relocating across the country away from my immediate family/friends and buying a house to start a new life. It left me alone in an unfamiliar part of the country without a support structure. My struggles was compounded with frequent layoffs as I tried to salvage the career that I had set out to pursue.

Anxiety impacts my ability to deal with change.... no matter how "good" may be. It has me vary risk adverse... I have missed opportunities simply because I wasn't in a good state of mind to act.


Wish I had more advice... but your husbands troubles caused me to reflect on my own. I wish you well..
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