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Old 05-12-2015, 07:09 PM
 
3 posts, read 2,610 times
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I'm a 54 year old woman. I've been married most of my adult life, most recently for 20 years to a great guy. We are best friends and we do love each other but not like most married couples who are "in love" with each other. The stresses of life, our opposite work schedules, and his health issues have made intimacy impossible for about the last 10 years and that is what probably caused the change in our relationship. Ever since I can remember, I've had an attraction to women but have never "gone there". I've never been unfaithful to my husband but now these feelings are becoming overwhelming. When I think about sex, I only think about women. Never men. Even when I see men and women kissing, it makes me feel sick. I'm old now. Why couldn't this have happened 30 years ago? I know of several female celebrities who have come out later in life but not sure how they knew they were really gay and not just disheartened with men. How does one know if they are really gay without physically being with someone of the same gender? I don't want to ruin my husband's life and my adult children's lives but this is killing me inside. Is there any way to know for sure before I ruin my marriage? How does an older woman trying to find out if she's lesbian meet someone, anyway? I don't think there are too many women out there that want to put themselves out there and possibly get hurt to see if someone else is serious about being a lesbian or just going through a phase. Serious advice please as this is a serious problem.
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Old 05-12-2015, 07:20 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
47,637 posts, read 45,977,435 times
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To be honest, I would look for a support group. They even have hotlines you can call if you want to stay anonymous.

IMHO, it would help you most to talk to people who have been there, and based on my time here I don't think this forum is the best place for that.
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Old 05-12-2015, 07:20 PM
 
Location: a primitive state
10,146 posts, read 20,805,578 times
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I know a number of people who were married and later figured out or admitted to themselves that they are gay.

Should you come out and change the lives of your entire family because you think you are gay? Maybe you should find a meet up group with a mix of gay and straight women and make a few friends. See what you feel like after a year of so of socializing and finding people you can talk to. If you feel the need to change, then do what's necessary. Otherwise, don't Rock the boat.
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Old 05-12-2015, 07:24 PM
 
Location: The Hall of Justice
25,906 posts, read 37,551,091 times
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I see two issues being confused here. Let's say you were able to figure out that yes, you are a lesbian or at least bisexual. It seems like you're saying that you would then divorce your husband. I presume that would be so you could explore your feelings for women and have sex, which you are not getting now. But on the other hand, let's say you could likewise find out that no, you are just sexually frustrated and turning to an outlet that feels safer somehow, and you are definitely straight. Would you remain in a sexless marriage with your good friend? If the answer to that question is yes, please consider why it matters that you have some fantasies about women.
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Old 05-12-2015, 07:38 PM
 
3 posts, read 2,610 times
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Thanks for the advice, all of you! JustJulia, yes, everything about this is confusing, especially to me. I don't know the answer. Maybe it's true that this is the wrong forum. I just read this one a lot and thought it might be a good place to start.
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Old 05-13-2015, 03:30 AM
 
Location: Louisville KY
4,530 posts, read 4,222,191 times
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Sometimes it just hits people, I was about fourteen in MSNs LGYChat(LesbianGayYouth), when I figured it out, there are children who just know, and adults; 30, 40, 50 years old figuring it out. Being 54 might seem "too late," if it was true, but correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems a high percentagr of women at older ages tend to have these thoughts. Really, it doesn't always mean you're gay, it could be some post menupause emotional thing, but I'm not even sure of something like that. You may very well find you are still one of those straights after all, either way, it's not a bad thing, not the end of the world. Even if it was true, and you think you'd shame your adult kids, or whatever, well I won't get in to that...
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Old 05-13-2015, 05:33 AM
 
Location: St. Louis
10,013 posts, read 17,943,463 times
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I can only answer from the POV of a spouse that was married to a man who came out gay at 50 and that is that if I could choose between what happened or being able to go back to being ignorant of everything and having it be the way it was, I would choose knowledge. It was a really scary time for my ex when he came out but the fallout wasn't nearly as bad as he anticipated and our girls and the rest of the family have accepted his new identity.
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Old 05-13-2015, 05:37 AM
 
3,201 posts, read 3,730,553 times
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dont folks say that you're born gay?

so how is it someone goes thru life and find themselves at 50 years of age wondering about their sexuality?

this is a serious question.

i've heard of scenarios where people carry out this charade of dating, marrying, having children etc because thats what their family/society expected from them but they always knew.
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Old 05-13-2015, 02:27 PM
 
Location: Louisville KY
4,530 posts, read 4,222,191 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ace_TX View Post
dont folks say that you're born gay?

so how is it someone goes thru life and find themselves at 50 years of age wondering about their sexuality?

this is a serious question.

i've heard of scenarios where people carry out this charade of dating, marrying, having children etc because thats what their family/society expected from them but they always knew.
It can be complicated, you don't reach an age where you just know everything about yourself. There are stories of older women turning gay, or simply thinking about it, kinda like Roseanne Conners mother, all those years, then suddenly she's gay.
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Old 05-13-2015, 03:01 PM
 
Location: Mount Pleasant, SC
130 posts, read 133,147 times
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OP said in her first post, "Ever since I can remember, I've had an attraction to women but have never 'gone there'." She could also be bisexual.

In my opinion, every day you wait to explore these feelings via support groups and/or actual relationships is a day you will regret. You don't want to be 82, wishing you had figured this out at 52. I am guessing that even though you husband is unable, he is also opposed to having an open marriage. If he hasn't said so, perhaps have that discussion? You would be able to keep your sexual life separate from your relationship with your husband.
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