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Old 05-22-2015, 09:02 AM
9,348 posts, read 5,306,210 times
Reputation: 2200


Hi, woke up this morning with my mom telling me how I am embarrassment to her and that my work ethic is lazy. Continued on about how you are invited to a Memorial Day party, but your Uncle is upset at you and have to deal with it.

The story starts back to a few month's ago I started a new job. I didn't tell anyone in my family because would return back to my mom. Then family start judging my job choice and change.

Biggest issue, which did happen, my mom flipped out only working 24 hour's a week. However, the job pay's a bit more than the full time job and was looking at possibility of returning back to college in the Summer. However, decided not to do the program and look back into nursing again.

My mom and family been upset at me for a few things over the year's.

1.) Graduated college in five year's
2.) Could not pass strength test of police physicals or get above 80 on police exams
3.) Did an EMT class failed the written exam twice and practical once. Never became an EMT stayed as an EMR
4.) Took a job on a psych unit (Twice)
5.) Dated a Co worker
6.) Laid off from work
7.) Moved in with a Girlfriend they didn't want me to be with
8.) Passed on taking the interview for corrections
9.) Racked up $8,000 in credit debt
10.) Taking part time job and lying about taking the job
11.) Getting married next year
12.) Been dealing with depression/self image issue's through out my life. Tried to take my life once mom brushed it off when I told her two month's later. Mom gets tearful then upset and oddly nice if I do say have thoughts of self harm so I stopped letting her know. My mom doesn't believe in depression and is excuse for life. They were upset I went for treatment and said would ruin my life.

That's most of the issues they are upset at me now.

I take responsibility for my actions. I do believe my mom has influenced me my entire life. It has an affect on my personality and my mind set.

Trying to break free of my mom's control racked up debt and on my own accord acted fiscally irresponsible.

Just my identity I don't know who I am.
My mom my family tell me what to do. They tell me you are to dumb for that, it is a waste, you are stupid, and other word's. Most comes from my mom.

I never had a proper relationship with my dad either. Divorced my mom when I was four. Had to go to counseling than due to the yelling. Throughout my life mom would say I am like my dad. I hated being like my dad. I never had a proper relationship with him.

I don't blame my mom. There were instances that things blew out of control when young police came to the house due to my dad, had to have a code word at school to protect me from my dad, and other instances like crossing state lines with him

Anyways end my mom continues to blame me for her drinking and smoking.

Now my family is probably going to be furious at me. However, planning doing an LPN program in the Spring. Two of my family members are nurse's and strongly encourage me not to as you will not be hired market sucks. However, I finish right at the time I start the Associate program. Now going to be upset going to do CNA/PCA job. Going from 22 an hour to 14/15 an hour. Granted working to get a per diem job now and going to pick up substitute teaching in the fall. I will be making about an additional, $300-$500 a month with that plan.
Going part time 32 hour's will possibly make $100 less, but hopefully have some money saved up. The program only will cost me $5,000 as work pay's the other $6,000.

Appreciate the feedback.

Last edited by RunD1987; 05-22-2015 at 09:28 AM..
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Old 05-22-2015, 09:41 AM
Location: Mount Pleasant, SC
130 posts, read 134,332 times
Reputation: 387
You could benefit from some therapy and to get out of your mother's house. Look at some self-help websites like ZenHabits.net for ways to mentally motivate yourself and clear negative thoughts. See if you school has a career counselor who can talk to you about job prospects in different fields and develop an educational plan. You don't sound like your are emotionally healthy enough to think about marriage right now. Don't rack up any more credit card debt and slowly work to pay off what you owe. That will be a major stress relief. It sounds like your environment is wearing you down and you just need some motivation and a little guidance.
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Old 05-22-2015, 09:51 AM
4,761 posts, read 11,820,185 times
Reputation: 7879
If I were in your shoes, PRIORITY ONE would be moving away from all that negativity.

You can do that by...

-Finding a roommate situation on craigslist.org. (Very cheap rent, no deposit many times.)

-Go to your local Senior Center and ask if anyone needs live-in part-time help. Older people need help and want company - will many times have spare rooms because their kids have moved out. You can get free rent in exchange for helping out around the house.

-Search for couch surfing on google.com.

-I would even prefer a homeless shelter to all that negativity!

Anyway if you get into a positive environment, that will give you happiness and TONS OF MENTAL ENERGY, then it will be no problem to find work or go to school.
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Old 05-22-2015, 11:01 AM
9,348 posts, read 5,306,210 times
Reputation: 2200
Fiance and I decided to move in with the MIL. However, Thinking after the wedding in October and fiance finishes her LPN program December of that year will start looking for apartments to move to. For now basically keep to myself, try to take chunks of the debt away. It hurts but it is life right now how a $1500-$2500 car repair, car is going over mileage soon with new job I am in, I have $1400 of IRS tax to owe, and probably another $800 of car tax to owe...It is tough to keep up.
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Old 05-22-2015, 11:07 AM
4,761 posts, read 11,820,185 times
Reputation: 7879
If you have the money, pay your bills or portions of those bills. If you don't have the money, then NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT! So that is that. Don't worry about things you can't do anything about.

Do what you CAN do - do your best. That is all anyone can ask. Move in with your future MIL ASAP - today if you can! If someone calls you and starts saying negative things, HANG UP THE PHONE! (You don't have to listen to that negativity - stay away from it.)
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Old 05-22-2015, 12:02 PM
Location: Dallas, TX and Las Vegas, NV
6,310 posts, read 5,134,620 times
Reputation: 13824
What does your fiancee think about all of this?
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Old 05-22-2015, 05:33 PM
9,348 posts, read 5,306,210 times
Reputation: 2200
Fiancé is supportive. She really doesn't want me to take a lot of what my mom says to heart. Fiancé recognizes how it does affect me. She is worried that will leave her side with my mom. I kind of don't tell my fiancé a lot anymore because feel be too much of a burden and shut down. So right now working on communication skills, talking feelings out, and balance out share of emotions.
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Old 05-22-2015, 10:53 PM
1,813 posts, read 1,478,192 times
Reputation: 5697
(I remember you!). Listen to your fiance. Your mom's influence is not good for you. She's your mother and I'm sure you'll always love her, but you need to stop letting her have this effect on you. What she says to you is not right. Maybe it's the alcohol talking, but it's not right.

Things will be okay. Things will work out. Focus on what you need to do for you and your fiance, and shut the rest of it out.

Hang in there, champ. Bright days are ahead.
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Old 05-23-2015, 08:42 AM
9,348 posts, read 5,306,210 times
Reputation: 2200
My mom did knock to come in my room, guess that is improvement. However, mom said was going asked politely where said going to the mall get glasses. I said oh and mom said I am not getting you glasses. I have no clue how oh leads into please get me a pair. Anyways led to her going on about my money choices, marriage, and my work ethics. Feeling being lazy only working 24 hour's didn't say it, but was implied

Granted I don't know why, but saw it as a nice gesture I get a bit nervous when my mom buys me something feel a hidden agenda. However, bought me a shirt, belt, and sandals for my cousins wedding in June, knew struggling financial. I appreciated the offer and no hidden agenda. Thought was a real progress and mom son bonding, but short lived longer than I thought.
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Old 06-09-2015, 10:12 PM
3 posts, read 2,119 times
Reputation: 19
RunD-- hello fellow scapegoat! I will solve this for you, you have a malignant narcissist for a mother. this is very, very serious, indeed. aditionally, you are the scapegoat of your family. please, google narcissist mothers and start reading. you will read story after story of people experiencing what you are experiencing. do not attempt to speak to your mother about what you will learn. malignant narcissists NEVER change. also, if you do try to reason with your mother, you will be attacked on all fronts by your siglings, and sadly, extended family. please, there is tons of stuff to read. being 5he scapegoat in your family is something you never chose, your narc mother chose that for you and skillfully trained your siblings to devalue you. i cannot explain all of it here, just start to google "my mother is a narcissist" and "I am 5he scapegoat". you will read about your family dynamics in a very clear , concise way. on you tube, there is a man who specifically has video blogs for men raised by narcissists. it is called begood4000, or something like that. he has a channel. please, as soon as possible, start reading....i just started my own blog called Suckerpunched. it is on blogger, a google blogging website. you can find it under yettahjones.blogspot.com please let me know if you started to research. i am ready to help and listen!
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