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Old 06-05-2015, 10:04 AM
1,095 posts, read 798,546 times
Reputation: 560


Hi All,

I usually try to eschew making emotional posts, but I am feeling a bit dejected. Usually I am the poster-child for being pleasant and happy-go-lucky, but depression has seemed to come out of left field and got me down. I feel like a putz since I am 30 years old, in debt, and currently unemployed. I have a fairly plain work history, of working in clerical accounting and teaching abroad in Asia. I say that since I didn't work in a specialized field like tech for years, so it's harder to find jobs that are in high-demand. Now I moved back to the States after teaching and am struggling to find something decent, job-wise. Maybe I was a dummy for going to teach abroad for nearly 3.5 years, but at the time I enjoyed it and thought it was ok. Now I don't know where I'll work next (maybe be a waiter?) and I have no friends where I live. Throughout my life I've struggled to have true friends, since I'm more of the John Belushi type of guy, where I make people laugh and entertain them, but never had many close friends since I'm a bit eccentric. When I'm in a crowded group of people I do alright, since I like talking to people and turn into a "social butterfly." But on the eccentricity note, I often struggle to have close friends since I have a unique personality. Maybe I should be myself and not care what others think? At times in my life I thought maybe it'd be good to go on medicine to make me be mellow and "not weird," but I think we already have enough plain-Jane people in this world.

Again, I don't write this as a way to say "Oh, poor me!"; But rather to see if anyone else has ever felt this way too (i.e. trouble fitting in, finding a job you are good at, etc.)? On that note, I don't know what career I could exceed at and feel that in past jobs I never really did well, but bosses kept me around since they got "free comedic relief." I have a short attention span and use humor to deal with stress, so you can picture how well I'd do in the corporate world...

I guess, bottom line, what to do now? I definitely don't plan on doing anything drastic to myself while I fight the depression (like injuring/killing myself), but I feel like I've failed so far in life and at 30 years old I'm not where I should be. In my defense, I'm not trying to sound like a crybaby or anything, but I simply feel like life has knocked me down and I don't know what to do next. I also have a strong work ethic (I like working 6 days a week and long days are okay with me), so I got the drive in me to succeed once I find which job I could truly do well.

Thanks again, everyone!
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Old 06-06-2015, 10:03 AM
3,700 posts, read 3,083,226 times
Reputation: 2614
I can sympathize with a LOT of what you just said. I am constantly joking that one day I'm going to make a great hobo (with my dog). And that scares the crap out of me. Debt, poor job prospects (although in my case i've had the same job for many many years but that job is coming to a halt very soon it seems and I haven't been applying anywhere else because i'm scared and I literally get ill every time I attempt to work on my resume, most of my family is dead and friends have their own families now, not much in the way of a support system.) I'm a few years older than you (close to ten) and the hardest part is coming to terms with what your core personality really is; not what you WANT it to be, not the allusion others have of you, but really what it is at it's core. That can be very depressing for some people. I can't stand the phrase count your blessings because i'm not a religious person, but there's a lot of truth to it. I totally know what you mean when you are saying that you're kept around for "free comedic relief". But that's just how life is. If you weren't being kept around for that, it would be for something else.

I recently read a great book that might help you (but it has not helped me.. take it for you will). It's called What Should I Do with My Life: True Stories of People Who Answered the Ultimate Question by Po Bronson. Perhaps some of the stories in there will show you that you're not alone in this confusing journey at the very least.

Also, you migh be suffering from an ancient malady known as Acedia. It's often considered a Monk's disease, but it's fascinating to read in how it relates to depression and in a sense it IS depression. I've read a few books on the topic and can recommend them for you if you'd like.

Hey, it looks like you live in Colorado. You have legal recreational weed out there you lucky SOB!!! (just kidding hahah).
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Old 06-06-2015, 05:28 PM
1,095 posts, read 798,546 times
Reputation: 560

Thanks for the reply! That's good we can relate to each other! I'll check out that book and perhaps it'll help enlighten me as to how others battle through life when everything seems confusing. I'll check out Acedia symptoms to learn more about it. Hope things get better for you in the future! I know there are probably a lot of people who can relate to us, they're just not on internet forums. Lol, I haven't smoked weed in years, but as I recall, I may have done it in HS/college in Colorado! :-p
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