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Hello all, I'm just here for some support, understanding and if possible any suggestions on overcoming my anxiety. I've been dealing with it off and on (mostly on) since I was a child. It's a little hard to describe, but anyone who has suffered similarly would understand. I just feel a constant weight of worry, disproportionate to the actual circumstances. It always comes up during significant life transitions and it's been horrible recently, ever since our daughter was born two months ago. I love her dearly, but the (somewhat traumatic) circumstances of her birth set off a major anxiety attack. The first night of her life I was up all night, vomiting hourly. The sense of responsibility was crushing. I had to basically beg for a Xanax prescription so I wouldn't end up in the hospital myself.
I've come to terms with her being part of our lives, but dealing with the administrative side of her birth has been pure hell. One of my main triggers is paperwork of any sort--dealing with bureaucracy, especially when it comes to our pocketbook. Handling the insurance claims has been a cluster of epic proportions. To compound matters, my wife left her job to go to nursing school and be with the baby, so we have a very low income right now and medical bills are rolling in and...you get the idea. To anybody else it would be difficult to deal with, but to me it's practically debilitating. I can't focus on anything else. I've suffered from irritable bowel for years because of my anxiety, as well as frequent urination. I lose sleep. I lose my appetite and I'm already very thin. I throw up--this is one of the main aspects of my anxiety. When I'm having a real acute anxiety attack I can't stop throwing up. I've been hospitalized for it before.
And then there are the worries that even I can recognize are dumb. No matter the situation my mind always goes to the worst possible outcome and fixates on that as the likeliest. Instead of thinking about the many reasonable solutions should we run into serious financial trouble, I immediately jump to losing our house, my wife leaving me, ending up on the street, etc. It's like my mind is a prison. Other people can compartmentalize but I can't. If I forget a worry for a moment my mind just casts around until it finds another one, no matter how seemingly insignificant, and I just get this surge in my gut and this gray pall comes over my mind. I can't tolerate uncertainty at all--even waiting for a response to an email will ruin my day.
Like I said I have been dealing with this since childhood and I have seen therapists that haven't helped a ton. I know I need to go back. I've been on Zoloft, which did nothing, and Xanax, which helps me at least go to sleep and kind of numbs the pain but I know it can't be a long-term fix, nor do I want it to be. I just want to be normal, but I know I'll be dealing with it one way or another for the rest of my life, probably no matter what. And it hurts right now because I want to be enjoying my daughter's infanthood instead of worrying myself sick about insurance. Generalized anxiety disorder seems to describe me perfectly. Reading about it makes me feel less alone but it doesn't really help the condition. I'd just appreciate any feedback.
I know a lot of people - probably most people, in fact - would think the answer is medication. Personally, unless you know for a fact that something is biologically out of balance, I think it's preferable to try to work through the anxiety, rather than choosing to be drugged for the rest of your life.
Keep in mind, though, that finding the right therapist may be something that required time and effort. This is aggravating, I know, because no one wants to waste the time and effort of appointments, only to find out that you're not a good match. But maybe you should keep looking. Try for a psychologist, who doesn't normally prescribe drugs. That means he'll be less likely to rely on drugs as a crutch and will devote himself more to the therapy. I think there are certain kinds of therapy that deal specifically with trying to get you to re-evaluate your usual thought patterns.
You might also experiment with a couple things just to see if they make a difference. For instance, a lot of people think that meditation works wonders, in terms of quieting your mind. Also, this sounds silly, but try to find a copy of the old Dale Carnegie book, How To Stop Worrying And Start Living. I'll admit that he wasn't addressing extreme examples like yours, but there are some passages you might find helpful.
Wow, I feel you, I have been there and still go there. When I am at my best I am eating healthy and exercising, it helps tremendously. Talk to a doctor. You need to change your inner thought process. Start looking at the positive things on your life, write them down. Even if it is small, such as seeing your daughter smile.
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