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Old 07-30-2015, 05:11 AM
 
Location: Birmingham, Alabama
2,056 posts, read 2,096,969 times
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Hey DJ, I feel you friend. I'm at my breaking point too. My life appears ideal to the outside world, but the pain of disappointment is crushing. I come here to talk to the world, and listen to the world.

 
Old 07-30-2015, 05:39 AM
 
10,892 posts, read 1,749,697 times
Reputation: 3310
Quote:
Originally Posted by ashpelham View Post
Hey DJ, I feel you friend. I'm at my breaking point too. My life appears ideal to the outside world, but the pain of disappointment is crushing. I come here to talk to the world, and listen to the world.
Hi ashpelham,

I'm just like you, I come here to "talk to the world", CD is my only life now, I have nothing outside but doctors and hospitals, so I come here and try to live a little before I have to come back to reality and all the bad things that come with it. I don't know why you feel so bad yourself, I guess you can tell if you feel like it ! I would be happy to give you my support.

I'm on stronger meds now, so I'm always tired and a little "out" but it's better than being like I was before I suppose... I still wait for the holidays to be over, many things to do after that, more pain and hard days to come.

I sincerely hope you find some peace somewhere along the way !

Good wishes
 
Old 07-30-2015, 06:19 AM
 
26,157 posts, read 16,306,937 times
Reputation: 17235
We love ya so00000000000000000000000000 much DJ
 
Old 07-30-2015, 09:12 AM
 
Location: Birmingham, Alabama
2,056 posts, read 2,096,969 times
Reputation: 3534
DJ- maybe that's the answer for people like us. To spend our time helping others through their weaknesses. Lord knows I think too much about mine. Perhaps helping others break through their walls it the reward that us folks have longed for.

I'm sorry you have poor health. It's not fair for me to be so cranky and crabby, yet have my good health and others can't have that. I feel ungrateful for that.

I want you to be better. I mean that, and i don't know you. I hope you can feel my words.
 
Old 07-30-2015, 09:39 AM
 
10,892 posts, read 1,749,697 times
Reputation: 3310
Quote:
Originally Posted by ashpelham View Post
DJ- maybe that's the answer for people like us. To spend our time helping others through their weaknesses. Lord knows I think too much about mine. Perhaps helping others break through their walls it the reward that us folks have longed for.

I'm sorry you have poor health. It's not fair for me to be so cranky and crabby, yet have my good health and others can't have that. I feel ungrateful for that.

I want you to be better. I mean that, and i don't know you. I hope you can feel my words.
Thank you, your words made me smile.

And don't be sorry, I'm happy you have a good health but that doesn't mean you can't be cranky and crabby, you can !

If I weren't that bad at socializing and communicating with other human beings, I'd love to help them, I still can listen to them, it helps me feel useful, and I really need to be useful, but sometimes it's not enough, just listening, I guess everyone can do that, but I wish I could do more. Maybe one day if I make it through everything ?

Best wishes.
 
Old 08-07-2015, 02:49 AM
 
Location: I'm out searching for me... If you see me, let me know... ;--)
3,551 posts, read 1,997,189 times
Reputation: 8070
Quote:
Originally Posted by DJ- View Post
I'm in no better situation then you but I still hope you get better, this is horribly sad.
Hi DJ, my I was so depressed I wrote you. Thank you for your kind response and I am glad to find your thread again!

I want to share how my depression is similiar to yours plus some good points about you.

First, I am over twice your age, Yet I didn't get to heart of my depression until 6 years ago! Negative feelings don't go away until you face them and that is hard work.

I grew up with a mom I thought hated me and my father moved farther and farther away from my three sisters and I. I empathize with how you've said you were bad and how you can't talk/ socialize with other people. You can (evidence this thread) even in public with practice.

What I have learned is the feelings of hopelessness are from my mom's mistreatment that I had no defense against. And from the pain of my father not being a father to me or my mom not teaching me either.

I grew up, I looked like an adult -and in ways I was- but for matters of the heart I was not.

I didn't learn any of that until I was over 30 and really it was years after that for me to learn the most important things.

I learned that the fear (I didn't even acknowledge until seven years ago) was not part of me. Underneath it was (IS!) a wonderful being. That may seem crazy to have to learn but the negative self talk and the painful self image can come from learning from parents' negative words and actions.

Same for YOU. You are not your illnesses, mental and physical. You are good, not bad. The things you said/did that you expressed grief over doing was in part due to the pressures you were (are!) under.

I learned I had/ have value that does not have to be earned. I am alone, as I said before, so this is hard! I have friends but they rarely reach out to me. That makes question my value!!

What I am realizing is......

As I tried to come up with a reason, I couldn't. (I can see it is true for others! That is why!) I do know valuing ourselves is what parents are suppose to teach their kids. For those of us who didn't have parents to do that, we must teach ourselves. When we are lonely for people not in or world, we have to make do- call someone, talk on CD, smile at a strangber, or other
ways that puts us in contact with other people.

I've also learned I have more skills (social, communications, life) than I knew.

Look at this thread- you've said you can't talk to people but you have. I've noticed how kind, polite, helpful you are. I've seen how well this thread has gone, in part, for you having responded to every poster in a caring way.

I want to say two more things. Your physical illnesses can make you depressed in addition to your current situation ( family, isolation, worries). Remember this if you feel down- that anyone going through your illnesses would feel down. It is not just you making it hard. Give yourself a break!

Try to stop being so hard on yourself- try to ease up on conplaining against yourself. I bolded try because I am talking to me too!

The second thing and the most important truly is you need to find support with a therapist. Finding someone you can trust with what you've told us.

The key is trust and the abilility to share how you feel, what is going on. The only way is to try someone and if you don't trust/like/ and-or work well with, you try again.

I hope that it helps a little. Like I said, I have the same depression going on. You can get through it and at 20, you are yearssss ahead of me in dealing with your depression.

You are doing better than you think, but you DO need the support of someone in person.

This is long! Take what helps. Keep posting. I look forward to knowing how you are.

Last edited by Wild Flower; 08-07-2015 at 03:19 AM..
 
Old 08-07-2015, 08:49 AM
 
10,892 posts, read 1,749,697 times
Reputation: 3310
Hello Wild Flower, I'm really happy to have a message from you, it means a lot to me, your words and your gentleness, I really need that these days, thank you.

I don't really know what to say, I would have loved to be able to write a long post too, like you, who could have maybe be helpful to someone like yours have been to me.

Well, I only wish you the best and a lot of happiness in your life, hope you'll get through your depression and find peace in that sometimes harsh world. I know it's not much but I really hope everyone here, all the people who've been kind enough to let a message here, I really hope they're doing okay in their lives. I would have wanted to be helpful, know how to find the good words, the right words, but I can't.

How I am... huh, well, I'm crying, so not very well I guess, I don't know if it's my meds or just that I really had enough of some people comments and words and everything. It's really pathetic in fact you know, I watch a movie, I cry, I listen to music, I cry, I watch the kids play outside the window, I cry, I don't know where all these tears come from. I'm tired, very tired, like an old piece of cloth who've been washed too many times, I feel old, so old and clumsy, if I were to describe myself these days, it would be clumsy, really, I am. I only want to be good to everyone, but in the end, it's not like that how other people see me, they just say I complain too much, all the time. And it's true, proof is, I'm doing it now. But I can't stop. I try, try so hard and the worst thing for me is that no one seems to notice, how hard I try, how hard I try to hold back my tears, my pain, my worries, and they're always saying, "**** off and shut up", it hurts me so much I have no real words to describe it. You know, when you don't try very much for a thing, and it fail, it's bad but not dramatic, but when you try, for days, weeks, months, to get better, to be worth of others, and it doesn't show, and they don't see it, and that it failed, it's not possible, the pain that comes with failing when you've try so hard isn't bearable, but people are still asking me to. I'm drowning in my own worries, and to top it all, I have to handle other people's too -- my mother, my father, the lack of money and I feel so bad because even if we don't pay for my surgery and meds, some other things still costs money, the gas in the car, because my mother has always to drive me to the hospital, to the doctor, or something else, I'm a burden you see, just a burden. I've destroyed everything in this life. My mother', father' lives, and if my big brother doesn't even exist anymore, it's also my fault, I have nothing good in me, maybe I'm just an hypocrite like some say, I'm maybe too selfish, maybe I really just should **** off and shut up, like they want, maybe like that, I'll do something right for a change. No one know, I think, that the only thing I want is being loved, and love in return, it hurts me so bad when some stranger think they can say how I am and how I'm not -- who are to judge ? Even with them, I just wish I could understand those people, who seem to hate me, even if they don't know me -- I know sometimes you don't have to know someone to dislike them or worse, sometimes it's just a feeling, but I still don't understand, how I ended up like this. It's like this life isn't really mine, because I don't know how I could have destroyed so many things, I don't understand myself, not at all. Maybe I'm just plain evil and bad and that's it. Maybe...

I'm tired now, I was happy to "see" you again, but I need to rest now, trying to understand why everything is like it is very tiredsome, because no one is ever going to answer me, the only one who could is God I guess, but God seems to agree with others.

Please, take care of you,
Thank you for sharing with me, it really means a lot to me.
 
Old 08-07-2015, 09:54 AM
 
Location: I'm out searching for me... If you see me, let me know... ;--)
3,551 posts, read 1,997,189 times
Reputation: 8070
Oh, DJ, you are holding on through so much pain. My heart goes out to you. Please, let the tears flow and don't judge them. I have done the same. In fact when my depression first started, that is what was going on. I cried at the end of the week. I was traveling for a living and I'd hold it together (always so nervous about whether I was doing a good job), then cry and cry all night. WHY??? I did not know.

Crying is normal. It releases your emotional pain. Cry and let the feelings flow out of you. Again, don't judge you. Be gentle with you.

I hear you about your wanting to end life. But DJ, if you do, your last feelings would be of pain. I came to the conclusion that I did not want that. It is so hard. Just because you know you will not do it, does not mean the feelings go away. Maybe it makes them harder. They taunt me by having feelings that say: Who cares? You don't. And then, that feeling, no I don't want to end this way.

I will say this again. DJ, you are a good person. Your family circumstances has taught you that you are bad.

Would a bad person wish to be able to write to help another? Would a bad person worry about having to rely on family?

I will also say again, you need to search for a counselor NOW. I worry because of how you can't stop feeling so terrible. I worry because that is no way to live and without help you will only spiral down completely.

You said you did not want to go to a hospital. But DJ, if you don't seek help now, you may end up worse than now and HAVE to go to the hospital.

Tell me who you might call to ask about how to find a counselor. Can you search and tell us what you find?

I hope you are resting. I hope you know that we are all pulling for you. But again, we can't change you, we can't jump in the computer. You have to do a leap into helping yourself.


Just like me. I am going through some stuff, I'll tell you later when it is further along.

Once again, to highlight....

Tell me who you might call to ask about how to find a counselor. Can you search and tell us what you find?

Last edited by Wild Flower; 08-07-2015 at 10:03 AM..
 
Old 08-07-2015, 10:39 AM
 
10,892 posts, read 1,749,697 times
Reputation: 3310
I'm answering you then I'll go to sleep a little, it's 6:18PM at this very moment here, a little early to sleep but well... thank you for taking all this time to answer me, I feel better when someone is talking to me.

Oh yes, the hospital... I have surgery for my feet the 10, I don't know if I saidl it somewhere, I've been waiting for some time now, so it's really the only positive thing that is happening these days, I'mscared of hospitals and doctors, and wondering if i'm going to die while they're doing what they have to do or maybe if i'm going to wake up while they're doing their things... I know hospitals aren't liked by many, but it's really bad in my case, but well, at least my feet are going to be better after that, I hope, finally...

I'll be happy to listen to you, like that you'll know that you're not alone, I just really want to be useful and helpful, in any way I can.

Also, I'm already seeing someone. Things words differently here, I guess. For the context, it's the holidays you know, so the doctors are away and I live in a small town (18 000 persons) so if the doctors aren't there and my mother can't drive me to Bordeaux to seek better help, I can only wait and watch myself die slowly in the mirror. I've lost so much weight, I'm so stressed I practically don't eat anymore and I have spontaneous bleeding sometimes. I know I'm not okay at all, but what can I do ?
If you want to know, the person I see work in a CMP, a centre médico psychologique, it's a place where you can go to have counselling, help, ordonances for meds, there is psychiatrists, psychologues and nurses there. It's free and open in the holidays. So I go there. It's not really helpful because I have difficulty speaking to other people, you know, I don't look them in the eye, I have sweaty hands, I sutter, feel hot or cold, etc and I'm not really sure how to talk to them about my problems, they ask me questions, but I answer vaguely most of the time, it's not that I don't want them to help me, it's just that for so many years I've shut my mouth about this and now some people are asking me to say it all, so you know... I don't want to cry in front of them. They proposed me to be hospitalized, in a biggest town, with better help for people like me, but I'm not ready either. Being clastered in a mental institution with other people who are like me, I'm not ready at all. Besides if I were to go there, yes they'll take care of my problems, diagnoze me, I would have doctors just for me, but I couldn't go back to CD and talk with people here, and it's scaring me you know, because I've met wonderful people here and besides CD, have no other way to talk to them, I've met the most incredible person on Earth here, I talk to him nearly everyday, and if I were in good health, at least physically and I had the money, I know I would be with him now if he'd let me come, I don't want him to go, so I really try to get some help like I can by myself, like that he'll keep talking to me, you see ?


I hope I answered your question correctly...

It's 6:39PM now... I really need to rest but I don't think I can

Thank you again, and also, please, if you want to talk about you, I'd really be happy to listen.
 
Old 08-07-2015, 06:25 PM
 
Location: I'm out searching for me... If you see me, let me know... ;--)
3,551 posts, read 1,997,189 times
Reputation: 8070
I know it hard to talk in person but the positive is you have started.

Here is an idea. When you are trying to talk to them, close your eyes & pretend it is a CD person.

I do understand your wanting to be able to post at CD. If you decide the hospital would be best (could help you quicker and start your plan for better health)- anyway, if the hospital would help you, we would be here when you finish!

Remember your mental health is imporant, do what is best.

I took a nap too and I woke from a dream that made me think that the people in the dream were in my apt. I was confused the dream world with RL! Strange.
.
I am glad u have ppl to talk with. Maybe print out what you told us here and share/ read to them?

Best wishes
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