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Old 06-18-2015, 09:59 AM
 
3,660 posts, read 2,080,530 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DJ- View Post
Maybe I'm really drowning in some ways, it's been a while now. I guess when you let things get out of hand like I did with my life, there is not much you can do at the end.
No, I didn't try meditation, no doctors proposed it to me because they know I've got major concentration problems so they choose to drug me to death instead.
But thank you really for your suggestion, and your reply.
I think I'm just going to wait till I can't cope anymore and I'll see what happen. It's not that I don't want to live anymore but I just feel that it's life itself that don't want me there anymore. If there is a thing I hate it's to impose myself where I know I'm not welcomed.
Again thank you.

...........................


Wish everyone who'll pass here for one reason or another a good day, I have some things to do right now. Maybe I'll update if something happened.

I know where you're coming from. I'm not saying that to make you feel like you should give up and it sounds like you are struggling for your health more than I am but I still know what you mean.
I am scared of not living anymore but it seems like as you said life doesn't want me. I want a new life. I do have something that I wouldn't trade for the world though and that is my dogs so I guess it's not all bad. I just wish I could be healthy and independent.
I really hate that about doctors. They just want to give you a pill and expect that to help. If they even give you anymore than that it's usually a general sheet on lifestyle changes. I may not have cancer or anything like that but having something that is obviously chronic is really difficult to deal with especially if you have heightened senses like I do. You feel like a burden to the world because you have to rely on other people to help take care of you. I hate that more than anything but idk I guess you just have to try all avenues (anything you can possibly think of) until you get to where you need to go.
Music also helps me personally, it doesn't fix me but it's like a friend that is always there until I can find a real solution.

 
Old 06-18-2015, 10:13 AM
 
9,617 posts, read 2,537,151 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DJ- View Post
When your health is so bad and people, everywhere, IRL or not, don't care about you, what are you supposed to do ? Just jump from the nearest bridge or what ? It's not like I don't try to get better, I go to the hospital nearly one time a week, I have done tests, I'm struggling to stay alive, trying to find someone, someone willing to stay with me a little, talk with me, I know I'm dreaming, I'm not going to find that someone on the net, right ? But it's not like I didn't looked for that person IRL either - I did - but there is no one, just no one. I beg, I cry, and I'm just invisible... I know other people have their lives, their family, the one they love, but isn't there just a little place for me in there ? I need help, serious help, that's why I'm here, I've searched everywhere, for hours, days, but no matter how hard I try, no one care. Am I that useless ? That worthless ? Why is it that life has to be so hard on me, It's like someone is keeping me there, in this horrible, cold, unfair place that some people call life and that don't want me.

I'm sorry for the rambling, I'm sure I'm not even making any sense, but I had to say that.

If someone else have something to say, any advice, any opinions - not too harsh...- I'd be glad to read them.

Thank you.
Actually, you CAN find a good friend on the net. I found my best friend -- even if she is "just" a pen pal -- right here on City Data. She and I have a very bad and fairly rare life situation in common, and after a "ton" of DM's, we finally exchanged e-mail addresses and now we write to each other virtually every single day. She has helped me so much just by being there!

And, yes, I also know what you are going through, and believe me, you are NOT alone! Start reaching out to people -- but, of course, be cautious! -- and it is possible that you will find a kindred spirit!

I wish you all the best!

P.S. If you call your local mental health service, they can match you up with a therapist based on your income -- or at least that's the way it is here in Colorado. I have had very good luck with the therapists they recommended for me.
 
Old 06-18-2015, 10:31 AM
 
10,892 posts, read 1,749,697 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nickchick View Post
I know where you're coming from. I'm not saying that to make you feel like you should give up and it sounds like you are struggling for your health more than I am but I still know what you mean.
I am scared of not living anymore but it seems like as you said life doesn't want me. I want a new life. I do have something that I wouldn't trade for the world though and that is my dogs so I guess it's not all bad. I just wish I could be healthy and independent.
I really hate that about doctors. They just want to give you a pill and expect that to help. If they even give you anymore than that it's usually a general sheet on lifestyle changes. I may not have cancer or anything like that but having something that is obviously chronic is really difficult to deal with especially if you have heightened senses like I do. You feel like a burden to the world because you have to rely on other people to help take care of you. I hate that more than anything but idk I guess you just have to try all avenues (anything you can possibly think of) until you get to where you need to go.
Music also helps me personally, it doesn't fix me but it's like a friend that is always there until I can find a real solution.
Thank you, I didn't expected so many replies, I'm surprised - In a good way - and very, very touched too.
I have a dog too, she's old but she's a wonderful dog and it's actually the only friend I have. You said so many things that make sense to me, the music, that you want a new life, and feeling like a burden to the world - That's what I am, a burden. My mum do already so many things for me, we have not much but she tried very hard to be there and I feel so horrible because I'm not getting better, one day I'm not going to come back from the hospital and it scares me so bad to know that I can do nothing to change that, my body want to leave this world, my head doesn't, but it's not my head who decides. I don't want to go, I want to stay, I want a life full of wonderful little things, just wake up every day and just know that I am alive and not going to die soon. I want to find someone who'll love me - because I have so much love to give in fact, I'm just waiting for that person to come to me or something. I feel so alone, just, I have no words you know, I'm lost.
I wish you all the best in the world and thank you again for taking the time to read me.
 
Old 06-18-2015, 10:42 AM
 
10,892 posts, read 1,749,697 times
Reputation: 3310
Quote:
Originally Posted by whocares811 View Post
Actually, you CAN find a good friend on the net. I found my best friend -- even if she is "just" a pen pal -- right here on City Data. She and I have a very bad and fairly rare life situation in common, and after a "ton" of DM's, we finally exchanged e-mail addresses and now we write to each other virtually every single day. She has helped me so much just by being there!

And, yes, I also know what you are going through, and believe me, you are NOT alone! Start reaching out to people -- but, of course, be cautious! -- and it is possible that you will find a kindred spirit!

I wish you all the best!

P.S. If you call your local mental health service, they can match you up with a therapist based on your income -- or at least that's the way it is here in Colorado. I have had very good luck with the therapists they recommended for me.
Hello,

Well first, thank you. And secondly, I'm very happy for you. I wish I could find someone like that here or somewhere else.

I'm French. To tell you, I've seen so many doctors, so many psychiatrists, psychologists, but TBH I can't be better with that sort of person. It feel too cold, too impersonal, they don't call me by my name, they just sit there and wait till I tell them everything - I need something else, I know I'm asking too much, but I need a close relationship with someone, I know that there isn't too many people that like it, but I'm just like that, I need closeness, a lot of touching, I'm very dependent emotionnally on people, it's bad but well, what can I do ...?
They say I'm young, my health is bad, I have the right to be depressed but that's it. Our health system is good here I find, but people are cold and I don't like it. They help me, I have two operations scheduled for this end of the month, but that's all they do. They're not going to ask about me, call home, be nice, I'm 20, not supposed to be a baby, but I'm so sorry to say that I still am. That's another big problem too - I'm not supposed to need my mum' help all the time, but I can do nothing if I'm all alone.

This is a long message, I hope if you read this you'll not fall asleep because it's so boring.

Thank you again, I'm grateful.
 
Old 06-18-2015, 11:03 AM
 
9,617 posts, read 2,537,151 times
Reputation: 22008
Quote:
Originally Posted by DJ- View Post
Hello,

Well first, thank you. And secondly, I'm very happy for you. I wish I could find someone like that here or somewhere else.

I'm French. To tell you, I've seen so many doctors, so many psychiatrists, psychologists, but TBH I can't be better with that sort of person. It feel too cold, too impersonal, they don't call me by my name, they just sit there and wait till I tell them everything - I need something else, I know I'm asking too much, but I need a close relationship with someone, I know that there isn't too many people that like it, but I'm just like that, I need closeness, a lot of touching, I'm very dependent emotionnally on people, it's bad but well, what can I do ...?
They say I'm young, my health is bad, I have the right to be depressed but that's it. Our health system is good here I find, but people are cold and I don't like it. They help me, I have two operations scheduled for this end of the month, but that's all they do. They're not going to ask about me, call home, be nice, I'm 20, not supposed to be a baby, but I'm so sorry to say that I still am. That's another big problem too - I'm not supposed to need my mum' help all the time, but I can do nothing if I'm all alone.

This is a long message, I hope if you read this you'll not fall asleep because it's so boring.

Thank you again, I'm grateful.
You are only 20???

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE do NOT give up! You have not shared what is going on in your life, but unless you are terminally ill and are going to die within a month or so, there IS hope for you!! What about your parents? Or the religious leader of whatever church (or whatever) you belong to, if you do follow any kind of "organized" religion?

And, believe me, if your mother (and/or father) care about you at ALL, they DO want to help you!! I know because I have been in their situation, only my son didn't let me know how bad he really was feeling about his life, and he died at age 19. PLEASE get help! Believe me, I would much rather have had a "problem" son instead of losing him altogether!

And, btw, it is NOT too much to want to be close to others or to ask for help!

(And, also, stop being so hard on yourself! I am SURE you do not deserve it!)

Btw, are you writing in English? If so, your command of English is remarkable, just excellent!
 
Old 06-18-2015, 12:04 PM
 
10,892 posts, read 1,749,697 times
Reputation: 3310
Quote:
Originally Posted by whocares811 View Post
You are only 20???

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE do NOT give up! You have not shared what is going on in your life, but unless you are terminally ill and are going to die within a month or so, there IS hope for you!! What about your parents? Or the religious leader of whatever church (or whatever) you belong to, if you do follow any kind of "organized" religion?

And, believe me, if your mother (and/or father) care about you at ALL, they DO want to help you!! I know because I have been in their situation, only my son didn't let me know how bad he really was feeling about his life, and he died at age 19. PLEASE get help! Believe me, I would much rather have had a "problem" son instead of losing him altogether!

And, btw, it is NOT too much to want to be close to others or to ask for help!

(And, also, stop being so hard on yourself! I am SURE you do not deserve it!)

Btw, are you writing in English? If so, your command of English is remarkable, just excellent!
Hello again,

Yes, 20 but somehow my body feel older with all the pain you know, I live in a social housing, in an apartment, a nice one really, and there is that poor old woman just under, she live all alone with her little cats and she's hurt too, my body feel like hers, old and tired, it just want to go and stop feeling the pain
I don't know if I have cancer yet, I don't have the results yet but I have something else and it's already enough, maybe that's why I hate hospitals so much - it's a cold place to announce to someone that there isn't anything else they can do, I love life, I love reading, watch TV, talk to older people, I like to listen to others, be there but I can't anymore, my body doesn't let me do that, like I said earlier, my body want to leave, he doesn't want to heal, but ME, I want to stay, I really want to, even if I have nothing to live for, it's maybe sad or pitiful or I don't know really, but the only person who'll miss me is my mum. My mum who can't cope with me anymore. I'll do anything for her, kill myself If that could sooth her pain in some ways. I have a father but he doesn't represents anything to me, he did too many hurtful things. And I don't feel like going to the nearby church, I believe in God but I practice my religion at home, not in a church.

I am so sorry for your son, what can I say to that .. ?

I've asked so many times already you know, what life is trying to tell maube is that, when no one answers your prayers, you just have to let go and "leave", in the end it's what is going to happen, I just hoped so much that I could stay a little longer, I wanted to show to someone that I have love to give, that I can listen too, and that even if it's too late for me, that it was too late from the start, it's not too late for others because I'll be there to take care of them somehow

I am a bad person, I know I am, but stupidly I thought that maybe I still have the right to a second chance

Yes I'm writing in English, well trying at least, if you say it's not too bad i'm glad

Thank you.

DJ
 
Old 06-18-2015, 12:43 PM
 
9,617 posts, read 2,537,151 times
Reputation: 22008
OP, why do you think you are a bad person? Somehow, I just can't believe that.
 
Old 06-18-2015, 01:06 PM
 
10,892 posts, read 1,749,697 times
Reputation: 3310
Because I did bad things some years ago. And people don't want to forgive me
 
Old 06-18-2015, 01:10 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DJ- View Post
Because I did bad things some years ago. And people don't want to forgive me
How bad could it have been as you were -- I would think -- just a young teen?

Not looking for details, but just saying that I doubt it was all that terrible, and you are apparently remorseful, in any case. Good people feel remorse when they have done wrong, bad people don't.
 
Old 06-18-2015, 01:15 PM
 
10,892 posts, read 1,749,697 times
Reputation: 3310
Quote:
Originally Posted by whocares811 View Post
How bad could it have been as you were -- I would think -- just a young teen?

Not looking for details, but just saying that I doubt it was all that terrible, and you are apparently remorseful, in any case. Good people feel remorse when they have done wrong, bad people don't.
My father used to say that we are never too young to hurt other people.

I needed help at that age already, I said horrible things to people that didn't do anything to me, I was 15 and I couldn't stop all the sxit that came out of my mouth. I think I was just already very ill and not good in my head. But that isn't an excuse for what I've done.
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