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Old 06-24-2015, 01:19 AM
 
1 posts, read 1,552 times
Reputation: 16

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I am struggling with wanting to become more capable of not letting disrespect and rudeness land in such a deep and hurtful way. I am triggered by my backtalking and eye rolling kid, my ridiculously scattered boss, my outspoken husband and more. I would love to have some advice from those who have found ways to be less sensitive.

Some background: I was bullied pretty mercilessly as a kid, always tried and try to be a peacemaker, have an instinctual verbal response rooted in being hellbent on harmony.

I've had major professional success, but this has held me back from effectively working with folks who have abrupt/dismissive/or challenging communication styles.

When my 11 year old is frustrated and rude, my reactions are hurt and bigger than is warranted to solve the problem.

I often think my husband is mad at me when he isn't.

I hear anger and frustration when they are not there or when they are present, but really not directed at me.

I want to be better at this.

Anyone been here? Tips? Resources?
Many thanks!
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Old 07-01-2015, 05:58 AM
 
1,110 posts, read 895,264 times
Reputation: 2290
I'm no professional, but I would stop your 11 y/o in his/her tracks right now. I'm no perfect parent by any means, but respect is something to this day I insist on.

I'm like you and have always been a people pleaser, peace maker, turn the other cheek, don't rock the boat, suck it up and have been called a doormat on here because of it.

I allowed my kids to have their own opinions, but I never let them disrespect me. If you allow that to happen, they'll disrespect others in life and it's your job to raise a respectful person to the best of your ability. Sometimes the kid might have some type of emotional problem that needs to be addressed by a professional and all the work the parents do, still don't work.

Years ago I read Men are from Mars and Women from Venus. Our brains are just different and it did help me with my husband.

I'm pretty sure some places like community colleges or you can search online that offer Assertive Training. I wish I had done that years ago because being so sensitive and not wanting to cause conflict affects your health and I'm proof of that.

I went to a therapist years ago on how to cope working in a toxic environment. Some of us just don't have it in us to fight, but I do regret not taking classes on being assertive.

Communication skills is another course you might want to look into. I know when I was younger, I didn't actually completely convey to people exactly what I wanted to say.

I've dealt with all kinds of people in different jobs and never had a problem getting along. I loved my last job and I turned the other cheek for eleven years to what I thought was office politics until I walked out for what I called was the straw that broke the camel's back. Then she (boss) slandered my name and lied as to why I quit. I found out it was actually workplace bullying.

There's a host of information on the net regarding dealing with psychopaths and every other kind of personality that you have to deal with at work. Some of those kids that bullied you in school are probably doing it at work today. It doesn't sound like you're dealing with that at work, but there is help out there for dealing with different types of personalities at work.

Please take some type of assertiveness training now. You don't even have to tell people what type of class you're taking. It's none of their business.

I've allowed people to take advantage of me because I'm a good hearted person. It was the support of good people on my first post to C-D that gave me the courage to stand up to my neighbor and actually fight for myself for the first time as an adult at 57 years.

Help yourself now.... Don't be like me because it will affect your health and it's not worth it.
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Old 07-01-2015, 06:36 AM
 
Location: The Emerald City
1,530 posts, read 1,828,377 times
Reputation: 2234
Find a therapist who specializes in Cognitive Behavioral therapy.
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Old 07-01-2015, 06:41 AM
 
4,761 posts, read 11,828,065 times
Reputation: 7879
Reading your post, "communication" and "sharing feelings" comes to mind...

I don't know if you are a cell phone "texter" person - where that is your main form of communicating with others, but if that is the case, turn off that cell phone and talk to these people in PERSON! A LOT is missed when texting (body language, tone of voice, etc.).

With good communication skills, each person CLEARLY understands the other person. A good way to be sure each person clearly understands what they are communicating is to "repeat what you heard" to the other person.

So to your son, when he is rude, simply ask him if he is intending to be rude to you. Maybe he is not, but that is the way you are receiving his message? Anyway repeat to him what you are seeing/hearing - confirm that is the message he is wanting to send. Same with the husband.

Another thing which is helpful is for each person to express their feelings. (Once you confirm the message you received is what the person intended.) Like, "I feel hurt when you are rude to me!"

Or "I feel bad when you are mad at me!"

And as things get better... "I feel good when we can clear up miscommunications and I learn that you are not mad at me!"

"How do you feel about this?"
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Old 07-01-2015, 07:10 AM
 
Location: Earth
412 posts, read 330,343 times
Reputation: 765
Quote:
Originally Posted by pfolk View Post
I am struggling with wanting to become more capable of not letting disrespect and rudeness land in such a deep and hurtful way. I am triggered by my backtalking and eye rolling kid, my ridiculously scattered boss, my outspoken husband and more. I would love to have some advice from those who have found ways to be less sensitive.

Some background: I was bullied pretty mercilessly as a kid, always tried and try to be a peacemaker, have an instinctual verbal response rooted in being hellbent on harmony.

I've had major professional success, but this has held me back from effectively working with folks who have abrupt/dismissive/or challenging communication styles.

When my 11 year old is frustrated and rude, my reactions are hurt and bigger than is warranted to solve the problem.

I often think my husband is mad at me when he isn't.

I hear anger and frustration when they are not there or when they are present, but really not directed at me.

I want to be better at this.

Anyone been here? Tips? Resources?
Many thanks!


You sound like me when I was younger (except for having the backtalking kid).

I grew up with a very controlling and mentally ill mother and as a result I fell into the trap of tuning into other peoples moods and trying to please. This advice probably may not seem very helpful but over the years I have become a lot more self-absorbed. That sounds terrible doesn't it? It's true though. It took a while but I started making lists of things that I wanted to achieve like doing more study, looking after my personal finances, eating healthier, dealing with colleagues and having more fun with my kids.

On the way to achieving these things and becoming more single-minded, I found it easier to block out other peoples nonsense. I soon found that I had no problem telling people "no" and it got easier to enforce rules with kids. Just make sure you balance it with plenty of fun and a sense of humour. You don't have to become aggressive or cutthroat. Watch good communicators at work and copy them. Keep notes of important questions and points that you'd like to raise with colleagues. Stay focused but learn to brush off the bull****.

There are people out there who will sense that you are a people pleaser ( this could be your kids or your parents/partner or boss), they'll quite happily have you second guessing yourself and it will drag you down. There is simply no pay off for being a people pleaser so throw it off and being thought of as "nice" is overrated. Best of luck to you.
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